by Clare London
“Maen?” He sounded astonished.
“It doesn’t make for a restful life, is all I can say.” I grimaced. “It doesn’t make for….” A truly loyal one, I wanted to say, but I didn’t go that far. “But it’s my life and I made it so, and I must live with it.”
“Alone,” Dax whispered, an unconscious echo of his earlier comment.
“Yes. Alone.” I had never spoken it aloud. I sounded hoarse. The nearness of his body was horribly unsettling. My blood heated with the tortured memories of my sleep last night, and my dreams of….
Dax took one step nearer, and suddenly his hand was on my shoulder, a warm palm on my skin through the thin cloth of my tunic. “It’s the same,” he groaned. His face was pale, his eyes narrowed as if he sought to hold back his emotions. “It’s the same for me. Will it stop? Will it ever stop hurting like this?”
I gazed into his face, inches away. I didn’t answer, but I didn’t need to. He knew what I’d say. He knew what the truth of it was. We both did. I bent my head at the same time as he lifted his, our hot breaths mingling in the chill air around us. Anger sparked in his eyes for a second, then something much deeper and more anguished. A flash of sudden, uncontrollable desire too, and he touched his mouth on mine even more quickly than I reached for his. My lips were dry, and his were slightly softened by the grease of our breakfast food. Whatever the texture, we met with a rich, warm familiarity, his tongue darting out to meet mine. I groaned, and he tugged at me. I grasped him around the waist—too fiercely!—and drew him tightly against me. He felt leaner than I remembered, yet the pure pleasure of feeling his muscles under my touch was so much sharper. It shocked me, the sweet delight that coursed swiftly through me, the furious, frantic passion that flooded my memory! He gasped into my mouth, nipped at my lower lip, ran his tongue along my teeth. He dug his fingers into my shoulder, and I thrust my tongue into him with a strange, wild greed that seemed to spiral out of my control.
“Maen.” He took his mouth from mine, though he didn’t pull away. His voice was a growl in the back of his throat. “I came back to the cave last night. I heard you. I heard you call out to me in your sleep.”
I gripped him as if I’d never let him go and sank my head into the crook of his neck so I could feel the harsh beating of his pulse. The morning stubble on my chin scraped his cheek, but I couldn’t get close enough to him. “You saw me.” He nodded, his hair brushing my face. I didn’t bother apologizing or trying to explain. I was still a soldier in spirit, even if I now had no rank. My body’s needs were nothing to be ashamed of; rather they were to be admired. But if I’d come back into his life and disturbed his peace with my frustrated desires—
“I watched you,” he whispered, “until you slept.” His mouth ghosted against my jaw. Neither of us seemed able to draw away. “I…. It reminded me….” He shook his head, angry again, I didn’t know whether at me or himself. His arms were tense as he held me, and I wanted desperately to kiss him again. Excitement throbbed in every vein, swamping me with a turmoil of emotions, a mixture of remembered pleasure and fresh, piercing joy. I lifted my head again to look into his face.
A sudden noise behind us startled him and he pulled his hands away. I straightened up, my heart hammering, but my body had already steadied itself to meet any threat.
“Hann?” A young woman appeared from behind the tents that sheltered us. Her eyes went naturally to Dax, but flickered to me as well. They darkened with shock.
“Veli,” I murmured in greeting, inclining my head. I remembered her, and she obviously remembered me.
Dax turned his head toward her, his expression clear and his hands at his side, though I could see them shaking very slightly. He couldn’t turn fully away from me just yet. He was aroused, his groin swollen noticeably at the front of his tunic, and I was afraid she’d see it too.
I had years of practice in controlling my body to order. I stepped around him and faced her, shielding him behind me while he composed himself. Eila also appeared from behind the tents, followed by Brod, Karil, and others.
“He shouldn’t still be here,” Eila said abruptly, meaning me. “Hann? What do you want us to do with him?”
Veli looked between Eila and me, confused. She was the same delicate young woman I remembered from a year ago, with fine yellow-blonde hair and pale eyes that would give her the appearance of a girl even when she’d matured many more years. She stood now with her hands loosely at her sides, and the slight mound of her pregnant belly showed beneath her tunic. Dax moved from behind me and went to stand by her, though they didn’t touch. In fact, she leaned away from him as he approached, the movement almost imperceptible.
“He’s leaving now,” he said. There was no tremor to his voice like before.
Brod frowned. He was a short man with thick arms, the bowed legs of a horseman, and a brow currently heavily creased. “We must execute him.”
“He’s leaving,” Dax repeated more firmly. “He won’t betray the camp.”
A spot of color appeared on Eila’s cheeks. Beside her Brod protested, “There’s no way you can be sure of that.”
“Be quiet,” Dax said sharply. “I’ve said he won’t. Do you challenge me?”
Brod shook his head. His eyes were angry, but he stepped back. Dax turned back to me now, his face stern. “Take the youngster and go quickly. It’s for your own good. We’re not the only enemy you might have outside the city. It’s not your territory, not your place.”
I stared at him a moment longer, cautious of angering Eila and the other men any more than I already had, yet trying to memorize his features in case… my courage failed at the thought of never seeing him again.
“Hann.” His new name sounded odd in my mouth.
“Go,” he growled. Veli glanced at him again, but he grasped her hand as if to reassure her. “You’re not welcome here, as Gold Warrior or man.” His eyes glared at me, the hostility returned. “You chose to live there—to serve there. Return quickly to your world before I change my mind about allowing it.”
I had no other option. I could see Kiel’s face peering around from behind them, scared and white. The small group of men parted around me as I walked toward Kiel, and I just kept going.
I didn’t look back.
“MAEN?” KIEL had been unusually quiet for a while, for which I was grateful.
A scout from the Exiles had accompanied us over the heathland until we found the landmark cairn again, but now we made our own way back to the city. We navigated through patches of shrubbery and forest, and the craggy landscape of the rocks themselves, but it wasn’t too difficult a path even when we had to climb over or around the cover. It was already past noon, and the weather was settling fair for the remaining hours of the day. The return would be easier than the journey out in the dark, but I insisted on a fairly fast pace. I had no idea what restrictions there might be on Kiel’s time and when or whether he’d be discovered missing, or when Seleste might return and find the same of me.
“I’m very glad they set us free,” he continued. “I’m very glad to be alive, of course. Aren’t you?”
He didn’t understand my brooding. I bit back a sigh. “Yes, it’s good they didn’t kill you, Kiel. I suspect it’s because they think you won’t be able to find your way back to the camp at any time.” I glanced down at him. He was flushed and not meeting my eyes. I smiled ruefully. “Of course you will, I know you better than that, but the Exiles don’t know your resourcefulness. And you must stay away from the camp in future, both for your own safety—”
“And Mistress Flora’s?” he whispered back. “They could follow me from the city, couldn’t they? Or torture me to learn where she is. Or….” He shuddered.
I put a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t think about it. That’s by far the best way.”
“I don’t think I could withstand torture,” he said rather thoughtfully. “I’d tell them immediately, I’m sure, anything they wanted, maybe I can’t be trusted, maybe I’d just talk a
t the first provocation.”
“You’d talk,” I agreed grimacing. “That’s most certainly the truth. But it won’t come to that, I promise you. I won’t let it happen. And besides, you might find you have stronger resources than you think, faced with the important things in your life.”
He glanced up at me, curious now, but I kept pacing forward. We’d nearly reached the final descent back down to the eastern gate. We skirted another particularly dense clump of trees and clambered over a small outcropping of rocks, back down onto flat scrub. Kiel was behind me, and he suddenly stumbled, knocking into the back of my legs. I stopped and helped him right himself.
He stiffened, holding onto my arm although he was upright again. “Maen,” he whispered.
“Keep walking,” I said quietly. “I saw it too.” Someone was shadowing us.
“Is it an Exile scout? A soldier of theirs?”
Kiel would have made an excellent scout himself. He’d spotted the blur of movement that I’d only caught out of the corner of my eye.
“Are we in danger, after all?” he asked.
“I don’t know.” I kept my voice low. If the Exiles had wanted to pick us off somewhere between their camp and the city, they’d had plenty of opportunity. For large stretches of terrain, we’d been without cover at all. “Keep close to me until we reach the walls.”
His eyes were wide, but he did as he was told, and he stopped chattering too. We scrambled our way back down to the east gate without any trouble, and without seeing any further sign of anyone outside the city with us.
Chapter Twenty-Five
SELESTE STOOD tall and imposing, her gaze ranging around the training field. “This will be a momentous event for Aza City,” she announced from the shallow platform, her voice carrying easily in the thin air of the early morning. “The City Convocation will soon be hosted here, as I have promised my people. This time of preparation and anticipation will bring its just rewards. It will be an event worthy of our Histories, an event remembered throughout the planet. Aza City will be the city to lead you all to a better life. And I will be the Queen to lead you to a life made all the more glorious for devotion to the city!”
“Service to the city is our reward!” came the response from the many strong voices.
All the soldiers of her Guard stood to attention, facing her. I saw Zander at the side of his men, and the other Gold Warriors too, for the Queen had more officers than any other Household. They were dressed in their formal uniform, with breastplates that shone in the morning sunlight and burnished helmets worn proudly on their heads. The Silver Captains were less extravagantly dressed, but their armor was polished to its brightest. The metal bore with pride the scars of previous skirmishes, their surfaces hammered back to regular shape by the city blacksmiths, and the buckles of their shoulder straps glinted against the dark leather. Behind them were the Bronzemen, placed ceremonially behind their protective Captains because they were still untried in battle, but also emphasizing their treasured status in the Household. They were slender young men with a mixture of eye and hair color, of different builds. Their muscles were already developing well, but they were still at that stage between youthful enthusiasm and the strong confidence of a trained soldier. They stood both bravely and proudly, but in many pairs of eyes I recognized amazement at the rare sight of their Queen. In others, I saw fearful aggression, and a determination to be noticed by her. I knew they’d be brought to heel over the course of their training, to become the best of the city’s soldiers. Only if they failed to live up to the potential of their original purchase would they be returned to the Central School and a career of manual labor with the Remainders, to become an equally devoted—yet completely unacknowledged—servant of the city. For such passionate young men, it was a powerful motivation for success.
It had been a while since Seleste had demanded a full inspection, having allowed a certain amount of relaxation since the battle for Queenship. She’d called this parade at a moment’s notice, but the soldiers had been ready on time and showing all the proud splendor she expected of them. It made my heart beat a little faster to see them, although I stood to one side of her platform, neither allowed nor welcomed into their ranks.
Seleste turned slowly from side to side, encompassing them all in her address. She looked magnificent this morning, her hair dressed formally, high on her head, smooth and silken and entwined with jewels. Her cloak was long and thick, of the best velvet and clasped with a gold medallion at her neck, and her Ladies had powdered and painted her face to its most striking. In the days when I’d been a favorite in her bed, I’d enjoyed seeing her beauty at its most natural, preferring Seleste the woman to Seleste the Queen. She’d seen that as a weakness, maybe an unacceptable vulnerability. Whatever her opinion of me then, I had no influence over her public face nowadays.
“You may ask, what is the City Convocation?” she announced, obviously not expecting any actual questions. “Within the next moon phase I will welcome many other Households to Aza City, hosting representatives from other cities too, and their Mistresses. We will meet and decide on the best strategies for our world, for the Devotions, for our citizens! Each one of you will be required to give every minute of your life and every fragment of your energy to support me.” Her voice rose, approaching the end of her exhortation. “I demand it of you. Your city demands it of you!”
They moved with a single force, a wave of men dropping to their knees in front of their Queen, without even a prompt from their officers. Armor clattered, the sun’s reflection flashed from the glittering metal, and the combined thud of so many full-grown men falling to the bare ground made the earth shudder around me.
I was slower to my knees than the soldiers for several reasons, but as I started to bend, a woman’s arm caught mine, halting me. I looked up into the face of Mistress Chloe.
She motioned for silence with a finger on her lips and guided me back behind Seleste’s dais, out of her sister’s line of sight. There were a couple of young women attending to her today, barely more than older children, their faces pale in contrast to their richly colored robes. They were slender and delicate—the younger one with nervous, excited eyes and rich copper-colored tresses looked especially delicate—but they held their position with pride. Bowing to their Mistress, they drew back to give us privacy. “Maen, I just wanted to see you, to assure you of my support.” Mistress Chloe’s voice was low. “I think it a poor decision of my sister’s to exclude you from the Guard. To place you beside her, and yet….”
“Not,” I said wryly.
Mistress Chloe flushed. “I wouldn’t challenge her, of course. But Darius has been the most attentive of soldiers to me, and brings me reports of many things happening in the Household that never reach my ears officially.”
That wasn’t the best of news to me. “Mistress, please don’t concern yourself. The Queen has her own ways, and we live to serve them.”
Chloe stared at me. Her eyes were the gray of an overcast spring sky, despite sharing the same dark hair coloring as her sister. Her face was far softer, her features more girlish. Seleste was beauty personified, and magnificent with it, whereas Chloe would only ever be a pretty young woman.
“Maen, you’re a mystery to me.”
I dropped my gaze with respect, but not before I saw her frown.
“You don’t lie,” she murmured while the soldiers rose to their feet again and the noise of their movements covered our voices. “Yet you don’t tell me the truth either. Is that deliberate?”
I kept my eyes lowered. “Mistress, I mean nothing offensive. Darius shouldn’t be bothering you.”
We both watched silently as Seleste dismissed the Guard back to the barracks. The young girls who traveled with Chloe came to stand at her side. Chloe rested a hand aimlessly on the head of the younger one, stroking her hair. I wondered if either of them was a daughter of the Queen—only Seleste would be allowed to keep her children beside her so obviously. It was likely that Chloe had found
some occupation for them in the Household of Physic while they trained as Royal Ladies. The girl glanced up at me shyly, though her curiosity was bold. These young women were at a strange time of life, somewhere between child and Lady, not yet demanding the official respect of a soldier. I bowed my head to her regardless.
“Maen, this conference is an important event, isn’t it?”
I turned back to Mistress Chloe and nodded. “I’m not privy to the details, Mistress, but the Queen is concerned for the future of our civilization. I believe there will be representatives from all over the planet attending the Convocation.”
“All over the planet?” She sounded startled.
“Every other city,” I amended quickly and saw an answering flash in her eyes. “Those are the only communities we recognize, of course.”
She nodded too. I saw Darius emerging from behind the throng of soldiers on the parade ground, and Chloe turned her head to watch him, distracted for a moment. “Maen,” she said in the same low tone, her gaze still on his approach, “please trust me. If you have anything to tell… any secrets that are disturbing you….” She didn’t finish what could have been either a question or a statement, but turned back to me abruptly. “I have access to the Devotions, you know. If you ever need anything of me—”
“I know, Mistress,” I interrupted her, risking her anger. “I know what the Queen can do with them. I know what she has done. They’re hers to command, but I have no interest in that.”
Mistress Chloe’s eyes were suddenly much sharper. Had she thought to tempt me somehow with drugs from the House of Physic? To help me or to weaken me? I knew some soldiers begged extra doses or different combinations. Some Devotions allowed them to service their Mistress better and for longer than other soldiers—some helped develop a stronger, more compact physique from their training. I looked more carefully at Mistress Chloe, unsure of her intentions.
Darius came up to us and dropped to one knee in front of her. “Mistress. The Queen wishes to see Maen, her personal aide, when you have finished your interview, of course.”