Between Heaven and Hell

by Erin Trejo

  “Not now, Ava.” Her fingers tighten around mine.

  “When is a good time, Cord? Never?” Her shift in attitude isn’t unnoticed.

  “That would be best.” Ava sighs before releasing my hand.

  “I’m trying here, Cord. I know I was wrong to keep Amee from you.” My breath hitches. She named our daughter after my sister. Tears prickle my eyes as sobs clog my throat. I choke them down.

  “I want to be pissed at you, Ava. I want to hate you for keeping something so precious from me. I know why you did, though. It kills me that my daughter doesn’t know me, Ava.” Her hand returns to mine. Ava lays her head on my shoulder before I wrap my arm around her.

  “I’ve lost my way in this life. A part of me wants to get that back. My uncle always told me that I have an entire empire at my fingertips. I had that. It’s still there within reach. Some days I feel like hell is pulling me deeper and deeper into its grasp. Once I hit the bottom, there won’t be any coming back.” Ava’s fingers move over my knee and thigh. Shockwaves burst throughout my body.

  One simple touch from this woman, and I fall apart.

  “It took me a long time to realize that you are who you are. As scared as I am to have Amee in the middle of this, I know you will protect her with your life. She deserves to have a father that loves her. I was wrong to take that away from you.” She puts way too much hope in me. She always has.

  “Do you really think that I won’t ruin her the way I did my sister?” Ava yanks her hand away from mine before standing up quickly.

  “I’m sick of this! Over and over, it’s the same thing! If you can’t believe in yourself than neither can I!” Ava storms through the front door when I hear Jordy call to her.

  “You pissed her off.” Shrugging, that is nothing new for me. I seem to always be pissing someone off.

  “She doesn’t understand me.” Jordy laughs before sitting next to me.

  “Love is a beautiful thing.” Glancing over at him, he laughs harder.

  “Have you gone insane?” Jordy shrugs his shoulders as I shake my head.

  “You’re ripping her apart again, Cord. You know as well as I do that she doesn’t deserve that.” Hearing his words, I agree.

  “I know she doesn’t. I just don’t know how to change this. I’ve been this way my whole life. How do I fix this?” Jordy stands, clapping a hand on my shoulder.

  “That’s what you need to figure out. Go to her. Don’t let her get out of your reach again, Cord. You’ll regret it if you do.”

  Options. That’s not something I’ve always had. I’ve always done what needed to be done. Now that I have options, I don’t know what to do with them. Days have gone by with no word about Amee. My heart doesn’t feel right. As pissed as Ava has been with me, she quickly snuggles into me every night. I can’t say that I don’t like it either. Her closeness is something I don’t see myself letting go of any time soon.

  “Can we talk?” Taking the chance, I ask her as she gazes out the window. She nods her head, not even looking over at me.

  “I’m sorry I push so hard. I know you understand that this is all I know. I can’t change that. This is the life I was raised in, the place I was built to be in. Standing in front of the Vitale family is my destiny.” Her head slowly turns to look at me. There’s an iciness in her eyes.

  “You use your status as a crutch. You may have been groomed to take this position, but you don’t have to stay in it. That Cord, is all your choice.” How does she knock the air from my lungs every time she opens those perfect lips?

  “And who shall take over? Who else is going to give a damn that our daughter is out there somewhere?” Raising my voice, Ava stands from her seat.

  “Her father, Cordae. You don’t have to be the man in an authority position to be that! You don’t have to be the Boss to care about someone!” When she tries to walk away, I reach out and grab her wrist.

  “Look at me, Ava.” When she looks down instead, I reach for her, lifting her chin. “I want you. I want our daughter. I need you to trust that I know what I’m doing right now. I can’t just walk away.” I plead with her with my eyes. I need her trust in this. If I don’t have her trust, I don’t have anything.

  “I do trust you, Cord. That’s what scares the hell out of me.” Lowering my head, I press my lips to hers.

  “Trust me, mia bella ragazza.”

  I intensify the kiss, demanding that she opens up to me. Our tongues tangle in her mouth as my cock becomes achingly hard.

  Ava ignites so many emotions that I don’t know how to contain them. I don’t know what to do with them either. Grinding against her, I lift her in my arms heading straight toward the bed. I lay her down gently before taking everything off of us both.

  “You are so perfect.” I climb up between her legs, positioning myself at her entrance.

  “Cord.” The way she whimpers my name is sexual, then she arches her back.

  I slip inside of her with ease. Our eyes connect; so much emotion filters its way between us. The electrical current between us is indescribable.

  “Harder, Cord. I just need to feel you.” Tears fill her eyes before I thrust harder.

  She raises her hips to meet my thrusts. My fingers dig into her hips as I raise them higher.

  “You want it harder?” She can’t answer me. Her head is thrown back as I take her to another world.

  Chapter 43

  So many meetings in one day will take a lot out of you. I’ve been in one after another. Everything seems to be in place, although my daughter is still out there somewhere. Ava and I have connected on another level though, throughout all of this. We rely on each other more than we should. At least from my end of things. I shouldn’t have to rely on her for anything. I am the man. I am a Vitale. My plans fall into place one piece at a time. No one knows what I’m up to, and it’s going to stay that way if I want it all to work out.

  “We need to make a stop. Take me to Sinclair’s.” Nikolai’s eyes widen. He watches me like I will change my mind. I won’t.

  “I’m not so sure that’s going to end well,” he mumbles more than anything. I know he means well, as do I.

  “Does it ever end well where I am concerned?” With a chuckle, he shakes his head.

  “I suppose it doesn’t. This may turn out to be worse than all the other times.” He may very well be right. We pull in front of the Governor’s mansion. Romero hops out, opening the door for me.

  “Do you need me? If not, I’m going to make some calls.” Glancing over my shoulder, I shake my head.

  “No, make your calls. I can handle this.” Indeed, I will.

  Me and the Governor are long overdue for another conversation relating to his daughter. I lift my hand to knock when it flies open. The man standing before me is a disheveled mess.

  “You look like shit, Sinclair.” Brushing past him, I head inside. I hear the door close behind me.

  “Life has taken a turn for the worse for me, I’m afraid.” He walks up next to me, offering me a cigar.

  “Why is that?” Motioning for me to follow him toward his office, I do. I wonder what is going on with him? He looks like hell froze over.

  Walking into his office I see all the pill bottles that litter his desk. Sinclair closes the door as I lift a bottle in my hand. I read the label before yanking my eyes back to his.

  “Cancer. How long do you have?” Setting the bottle back on the desk, I move to sit in the chair across from his desk.

  “A few months to a year. They can’t be sure.” Nodding my head, it seems that cancer doesn’t have any barriers with who it affects.

  “There are some things that have been brought to my attention. As you know, Ava is back home and safe. She had several memory issues that are getting better. A new memory that came to light recently is her daughter.” Sinclair’s mouth hangs open as he stares me down.

  “She has… She has a daughter?” Nodding slowly, he doesn’t know what to say. He looks much like I did.

/>   “My God. I never knew.” That makes two of us.

  “There is a situation with that as well. She’s missing. We have reason to believe that she is being held in Italy still.” Sinclair runs his hand through his hair, blowing out a breath.

  “I have no reach there. What can I do?” The pointless smile that crosses my face doesn’t go unnoticed.

  “There is nothing I need from you. I have this under control. I only thought I’d be fair for a change and let you know about her. It will be up to Ava to decide if you ever see her. In all honesty, I don’t see that happening after you killed her mother.” My words slice deeply. I can see the look on his face. He’s torn between regret, and rage.

  “Why did you do it?” Curiosity has gotten the best of me.

  “She cheated on me multiple times. It was always with Daniel.” Now it’s my turn to gawk. I never saw that one coming.

  “Gambino was a worthless man. Too bad she got in bed with him.” Pushing myself up from the chair, I turn to leave when he speaks.

  “Would you ask Ava if she would call me?” I lower my head before turning back to face him.

  “Ava is having a rough time right now, but I will let her know that you wish to speak with her.”

  Nikolai has been on the phone nonstop. He has calls out to everyone that he can think of. When we pull into the driveway, I see Ava wandering around the front yard. I cock my head to the side trying to figure her out. I climb out and head toward her. She doesn’t stop her pacing, though.

  “What’s wrong?” Ava chews on her nail but doesn’t look over.

  “Ava. Answer me.” When I raise my voice, she turns to face me.

  “You’re a killer, Cord. You ordered four children to be killed.” There she is. The girl that I’ve always pushed away, the one that sees right from wrong.

  “I have.” There’s no reason to deny what she already knows.

  “Why?” A question I’m not sure I have an answer for.

  “There weren't any other choices.” I can tell by the look on her face that my answer isn’t going to satisfy her.

  “I never claimed to be a saint, Ava. Quite the opposite actually.” Fire blazes in her eyes. She’s livid. I watch her swallow hard, tugging at her hair.

  “How are you going to be a father? How can you separate who you are?” Another question that I don’t have an answer to.

  “Are you afraid that I would kill our daughter?” Stating the obvious, she doesn’t deny it. What kind of monster does she take me for? To harm my own child would be like taking my own life! “Is that the kind of man you see me as?” When tears fall down her cheeks, I know that’s what she thinks. It’s what I’ve pushed her into seeing. She didn’t have any other choice. I made her look at the monster, the demon inside of me. This is what I made her believe.

  “I can understand that. There was never anything I wanted more than for you to understand that about me. At the same time, I thought you knew how much family meant to me.” Her little huff does little to help the situation.

  “Your family consists of this, Cord. If you hadn’t found me, you would have never known about her.” Throwing her hands out to the sides to make her point, I take a step closer to her.

  “Everything in my life revolves around family. If I’ve learned anything being who I am in the position I am in, it’s that family is the most important thing in the world. I understand your frustration right now, Ava. I do.” Her face reddens. She shakes her head rapidly, before moving toward me. Her hands land on my chest before I grip her wrists. This could turn bad, fast.

  “You don’t understand, Cord. I never had that. I never had that family. She is all I have, and she’s gone. It’s my fault she’s gone!” Hot tears sprinkle down her cheeks.

  “You hate me. I can see it in your eyes.” It’s there plain as day. She hates me and she blames herself for ever being with me.

  “I don’t know what I feel anymore.” I let my hands fall to my sides. I lean in and press a kiss to her head.

  “I know this is hard. I’m doing all I can to find her. You can hate me with everything you have in you. I will take that hatred. Just know that I do love you more than I should, more than I should allow myself. I’ll stay in the other room.” Pressing one last kiss to her head, I turn and walk away from her. Her emotions are all over the place. She doesn’t know what she wants or needs right now. I can’t make things okay for her.

  “Watch her while she’s out there.” Defeat laces my voice as I walk past Jordy.

  He nods his head as I make my way up the stairs. Stopping at Amelia’s door, I push it open and walk in. Everything is as she left it that day. I’ve touched nothing in five years. Every little frilly blanket still lines the bed. I grab her favorite bunny and hold it in my hands before dropping onto her bed.

  “If I could change the past I would. I would have loved you the right way. I would have made you see that you meant the world to me. Now I only have a piece of you left. A piece I can’t even touch or hold. I’m so sorry, Amelia.” I lay on her pillow, curled into myself. So many what ifs that I cannot change. So many wrongs that I can never right, but the one thing I can do, is find Amee. I can fix the broken heart that Ava has.

  I can make her partially whole again.

  Chapter 44

  I didn’t sleep last night. I heard Ava come in, but I couldn’t force myself to go into that room. She spoke her peace. I didn’t like it, but I heard it.

  “I’m taking the first flight to Italy.” My head snaps up from the papers I was going over.

  “Why? Is there news?” Nikolai shakes his head before sitting in the chair in front of me.

  “No, but I want to work with Luciano’s men over there. If she’s there, there has to be a connection.” I have to agree. There has to be a connection somewhere. I just haven’t found it yet.

  “Is it wise of you to go right now?” He tilts his head slightly as he takes me in. He knows I’m wearing thin. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.

  “I think the faster we get a handle on this, the better. The Russians have backed off after the massacre. They aren’t a threat at the moment. The lingering Gambino’s have yet to be heard from.” I scrub my hand across my face as I listen to him.

  “I agree. Take Malcom. I want Romero here on Ava.” He pushes out of his chair.

  “I’ll be in contact.” He walks out of the office before I pour a drink.

  “What can I do? Ava’s in her room.” Jordy stands in front of my desk. I take down two glasses full of bourbon before looking up at him.

  “I don’t know, Jordy. I don’t know what’s left to do. Nikolai is going to Italy.” Another drink goes into the glass.

  “That’s good. Maybe his presence will put pressure on them.” Swallowing the next glass full, I throw it across the room, watching it shatter against the wall.

  “I should be there. I should be doing something!” Tugging at my hair, I need some kind of release. I’m losing my sanity.

  “You are doing the best you can. I can understand your position, though. It’s hard to sit back and wait. What are your plans, Cord? This isn’t a life to build your family in. They will be in constant danger.” Does he think I don’t know that? I know that firsthand.

  “I agree. This isn’t the lifestyle to have a family in. Look at Amelia. I knew it from day one. I shouldn’t have brought her in. She would still be alive if I hadn’t. I refuse to drag Amee into this.” He nods his head with understanding.

  “So what are you going to do? You only have two choices here.” That’s what he thinks. I have three choices, and I know each and every one of them all too well.

  “I don’t know. I can wait for the inevitable. I can leave my place and make it work with Ava, or I can go down in the fight.” I shove out of my chair before walking past him.

  I need to think long and hard about this. The world keeps spinning. Around and around. When will it stop? When will the end of it come? I used to think that holding all the
power in my hands was perfect. I was at the top of the world. Anything my heart desired was within reach. I used that to my advantage too. I took what I wanted, when I wanted it. I didn’t care who it hurt.

  The more I thought of Ava while she was gone, the worse my heart was ripped open. So many senseless deaths. So many people lost to the way of our world. Our world is a hell within this earth. Emotions that were long buried have now resurfaced, and they do little more than confuse the fuck out of me. Family is all I had for a long time. My uncle made sure that I felt at peace with that. When he died, I lost that feeling. It disappeared.

  I thought if I threw myself back into the darkness that is my hell, that I would be fine. I’d go back to who I was meant to be, but now I wonder who that is. Is it me, Cordae Vitale? Is this who I’m still supposed to be? So much has changed in such a short amount of time. I’ve lost pieces of myself. I’ve gained a piece too with Amee, even though I haven’t met her yet. She’s still a part of me. She’s a part of us. I wonder what will happen when we do find her. Will Ava take her and run again? Keep me from her?

  I can’t say that I’d blame her if she did. I know the choices I make now affect them both. Everyone knows that I have her back. I head into the hallway. Walking toward Amelia’s room, it’s my new go to spot. When I reach for the door handle, I hear Ava’s cries. I want nothing more than to hold her, keep her safe in my arms. Against my better judgement, I go in to find her curled in a ball in the middle of the bed.

  My heart breaks further seeing her this way. I can’t fix it or take the pain away. Stalking toward the bed, I lay down behind her, pulling her against me before she rolls over. She buries her face in my chest as she sobs. I can’t do anything more, except run my hand up and down her back. This is the best I can do for her right now. There is nothing else in me.

  Chapter 45

  Screams pierce the silence. I leap off the bed only to realize that Ava and I fell asleep in Amelia’s bed. I’m on high alert when I hear shots being fired.