by Almon Chu
slid into the tub, immersing myself until the water was just beyond my ears and closed my eyes. Everything in the building could be heard under the water: the slow dragging inhales and exhales of my breath; the light hearted drip of the faucet; the old rattling of rusty pipes; the hundreds of conversations and the hundreds of television sets that merged into a comforting drone; the handful of arguments distorted as high pitched whines and bass heavy thuds. The warm water kissed my tired beaten body. Everything was one and for a moment I found peace. My phone began to ring after I had been lying in the tub for several moments in easeful suspension.
"Fuuuuck," I said to myself, almost asleep. Lifting myself up was a chore, every muscle was soft and useless. The warm water dripped down my body in small streams, the cold air began to creep in from the door. I quickly wiped myself down with a ragged towel and threw on some pants. For some reason I never did become fond of walking around my house naked.
My wrinkled fingertips met the plastic of the cell phone.
"Hello?"
Water dripped down strands of hair and on to the carpet.
"Hey you." It was Eris, my heart felt like it was jump-started by a car battery.
"Oh- hey, where've you been?" I was fumbling and choking out my words.
"Just this and that. I'm sorry for not being around as often, things have really been busy." she said. How I missed her voice.
"It's alright. I've been busy as well. So how are things in the new city?"
The small talk went on for another hour.
"I've got to go," she said this at least three times. Though every time she said it I would ignore her and keep talking, and the conversation would carry on as if she said nothing. I tried to keep the conversation going for as long as possible, just anything to keep hearing her voice.
There were sounds of a door opening on Eris' end.
"Hey Jon, I really got to go."
"Really?"
"Yeah, but I'll try to be around more. Hopefully I won't be so busy this week." There were sounds of another person whispering in background.
"Aw, alright, fine. I'll let you go."
"But I need to ask you something before I go."
"Sure thing?"
“When are you depositing your paycheck?”
"Soon, I'm doing it tomorrow."
“Alright.”
"Was that it?”
“Yeah. I was just curious. Stressed about money you know?”
"Yeah.”
The briefest of silences.
“I love you," I said.
"I really gotta run. Love you too," she said. There were sounds of someone speaking and Eris giggling as she hung up the phone.
Something isn't right here.
"Shut up." I said to myself. It was the first time that I had been content in a while. Upon returning to the washroom the bathwater had run cold. My body shook when I submerged myself.
No matter, I had fresh memories of Eris to keep me warm now.
II
I awoke to the cold air. My skin felt dry. A slight taste of blood lingered in the back of my throat to remind me of the life still within me. My eyes were still out of focus as I stumbled around my room. After grabbing my jacket I fell back into bed, and sat there for several moments while rubbing my eyes.
My eyes finally focused and I looked out my window. The city was covered in snow, like a coke-fiend's dream or a diabetic nightmare. Rooftops of houses were lightly dusted, and the streets were choked. Traffic piled up on the roads, loud horns and screams of frustration. The snow flowed like a sandstorm in the violent winds.
I tip-toed and kicked my way through my messy apartment and got dressed for work. The hallway was filled with the rattling of old heating pipes coming back to life. The taste of blood left my throat after spitting up a glob in the hallway.
"I fucking hate winter," I said to myself.
Down in the street everyone was bundled up to the point where only their eyes were visible. How I wished I had been as smart. The snow bit into the flesh of my face as it blew. It invaded every crack and crevice; there was never true shelter from the cold while on the streets. The snow had begun turning different shades of black and grey; muddied by car exhaust and dirty boots. Snow had already found its way into my shoes, it began to melt and wrinkle my feet.
I felt an uncomfortably damp squish with every step.
At least the streets were safer during this season. The drug addicts and homeless retreated to their alley corners, exhaust vents, and charity shelters; those that remained to beg ran the risk of being consumed by the cold. Instead their pathetic pleas for help were replaced by do-good volunteers who spoke on their behalf: “Hi there! Would you like to donate to keep someone fed and warm this winter?” I brushed them off with a wave of the hand. The thugs and wanna-be tough guys resorted to prowling mall centres and staircases; only very rarely did they venture out in the cold.
The floor of the subway station and the subway trains were slick with the black water of melted snow and scraps of abandoned newspapers. Everybody created a wet tick-tack tick-tack as they walked on the unstable ground.
A loud crack came from the subway stairway, followed by the sound of multiple people violently moving around. “Help, someone help- he's got a knife,” a male voice yelled from behind the door;“They're going to hurt me.” There were a few loud thuds. The same voice yelled “stop” until the yelling turned into pathetic begging. Then there was a silence. No body had stopped or stalled to help. They blocked it out. They made limitless excuses; I don't know him; I don't want to get involved; I need to be somewhere. I didn't bother burdening myself with such lies, there was no need for such weak tricks. I was comfortable with the fact that I just didn't care. The train arrived as the news screens blared a message about a missing boy. Tick-tack tick-tack. The memory of the incident was overwritten by the sounds of the morning rush.
Work was difficult. Every small discomfort would snap me out of my efforts to focus on thoughts of Eris; her sm- Aleksi was smoking again in the work room; her sce- the ceiling fan was out of sync, stalling at irregular intervals; her- her- her- my mind was stuck, I snapped back to reality and discovered the source of my mental blockage. “And then this bitch was going crazy just yelling and yelling, I told her I didn't have her fucking dog!” Aleksi was ranting and raving about some drunken misadventure I could care less about.
“Oy Aleksi!”
“What?”
“Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to think!”
“Fine, ass!” Aleksi pouted and took another puff of his cigarette. The smoke swirled away from him, until dispersing in all directions upon hitting the invisible force of the faulty ceiling fan. Her sm- a breeze of Aleksi's cigarette smoke blew in my face and I found myself craving a cigarette. Her sce- a loud bang came from upstairs. Her lau- the chemical smell of burning plastic pervaded the air as Aleksi carefully sealed another package.
Her- her-her-
“So then I threw that bitch out on her ass!” Aleksi laughed like an idiot.
Work would drag on that day. My mind was unable to relocate myself to happier places, to memories of Eris. I was stuck in reality, and it made reality all the more unbearable.
Work came to an eventual end after an eternity of Aleksi's rants, wandering clouds of cigarette smoke, sudden noises, toxic chemicals, and the oppressive idiosyncratic whir of the ceiling fan. Berne caught us as we were heading out the exit and handed us our paychecks.
Aleksi pointed out the door and asked “Dinner?”
Berne shook his head, “I can't tonight, I've got to get this new shipment out. You guys enjoy though.”
Aleksi turned his finger to me “Him!? He doesn't eat, he's like a woman!”
I gave Aleksi a swift punch to the shoulder.
He hit me back. “What!? Are you saying you want to eat out tonight!?”
He had my number, I wasn't going to eat out that night. I needed to save the few extra dollars. My heart pounded
.
“Fuck you Aleksi!” Berne laughed as parts of my face became a dull red.
“Alright C'mon, if you two are going to fight then fight outside. I've got work to do.” Berne said as he opened the backdoor for us. The sun had already set. The snow reflected the sickly orange glow of the street lamps.
Aleksi raised his fists as we walked out. “C'mon tough guy” he said with a stupid grin painted across his face. I pushed him and told him to fuck off before breaking out in laughter. The cold air filled my lungs.
Aleksi reached into his pocket and offered a cigarette. We smoked in silence as we walked through the back alleys and streets. The fresh snow had hidden many of the city's blemishes, though the city salt-trucks and ploughs always ensured a certain level of ugliness. The loose rattle of wind-swept garbage was replaced by the squish of pulped paper and the crinkle of plastic under our feet. Soon the snow would be claimed by the city, darkened by the fumes, consumed by the waste. Large bundles of electrical cables snaked overhead, coiling themselves around the low-rise buildings. Old heating units worked full-blast, their fans pushing air into the night. We walked past restaurants, windows full of happy diners. The city sky-scrapers loomed in the distance. The taste of engine exhaust, the smell of food and garbage.
The stores were closing. Goods were reorganized in small spaces, dismembered mannequins prepared for a night's rest, the last flicker of a light. Store keepers pulled down security gates spray-painted with tags and pictures. There would be no purpose in cleaning the metal sheets, as every night they would be marked