‘I know it’s been a while,’ she said, standing up again and looking at Gray’s name, engraved in the marble. ‘Sorry about that – things have been a bit hectic. You know me; always getting dragged into any drama that’s going, and usually they’re nothing to do with me in the first place.’
Around her there was a surprising amount of birdsong. Whenever she visited she’d always spot the odd robin or wagtail hopping along the wall of the churchyard, but there just seemed like a lot today. The sun was out now after the wet start; while not hot enough to dry the ground, it gave out a weak lemony glow that flooded the churchyard. It wasn’t exactly raising the temperature, but perhaps just its light was enough to make the birds happy.
‘There’s plenty to tell you,’ she continued. ‘You’ll never guess – Dad’s getting engaged. I don’t mind telling you, I never saw that coming. I thought when he was trying to tell me… I thought…’
She’d thought her dad had been going to say something about her and Colm, that he could tell she liked him, that she ought to take a chance on a second chance, that she ought to stop feeling so guilty about living her life without Gray. She pushed the notion from her mind, along with the image of Colm’s face.
‘Anyway, I think he was a bit scared to tell me but I don’t know why. I’m not that scary, am I?’ She laughed lightly. ‘If he likes her then I’m happy for him. I mean, I haven’t met her yet so at least I think I’m happy for him. She might be horrible and then I don’t suppose I would be. Is it bad that a bit of me hopes she’s horrible so I can tell him so? It’s not that I want him to be alone, but I want… well, you know, I don’t want him to forget Mum. Like I don’t forget you.’
Nina paused. She’d said that but hadn’t she been thinking of another man only seconds before? ‘But then, I don’t suppose it’s any of my business who he marries, so even if I don’t like her I don’t suppose it matters. I suppose what matters is that he likes her – and at least he won’t be lonely…’
Nina let out a sigh as she gazed at the stone. She could talk and talk like this for hours. Sometimes it helped, and sometimes not so much, but she’d never been able to equate what stood there with the man she’d loved – not really. It was a symbol, a focal point, something to connect them even after death had parted them, but now as she looked at it, she couldn’t feel any of that. She felt only an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. It wasn’t just a symbol, a connection or a focal point; it marked the place where he lay, beneath the ground, all that remained of the man he’d been, the man she’d loved more than she’d had words to express. And the idea of it left her feeling so hopeless, so bereft, so lonely that she could barely draw breath now for the weight it placed on her heart.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said quietly. ‘I’m so sorry, Gray. I just don’t want to be like this any more and I don’t know if I can keep coming and doing this with you—’
‘Nina?’
She spun around, hastily drying her eyes. A slender woman on crutches, hair cut into a severe crop, thick mascara bleeding into the creases around her eyes, stood on the path.
‘Connie!’
Nina threw her arms around the woman.
‘I haven’t seen you in a while,’ Connie said as they broke apart. ‘I thought… well, I thought perhaps you’d met someone and… you know…’
‘Oh no,’ Nina said quickly. ‘Nothing like that. I’ve meant to come a lot more often, but I’ve had so much going on. I’m sorry, I ought to try harder—’
‘There’s no need to apologise,’ Connie said. ‘I’m nobody to judge. I just wondered, that’s all, because I used to see you almost every time I came.’
‘I have been, though – perhaps the timing’s just been out.’
Connie nodded. ‘That must be it.’
‘You’ve come to see Gray too?’
‘I was just passing really and I thought I’d call in and say hello.’ She inclined her head at the daffodils Nina had placed on the grave. ‘They’re lovely – so bright and cheerful. You got them?’
‘Yes. It looked a bit bare and everywhere can be so dull at this time of year.’
‘That’s true enough. Sometimes I think it must be lovely to be able to hibernate like a hedgehog.’
Nina smiled. ‘How have you been?’
‘Oh, you know… the same as always. Joints are stiff most mornings now but I get going eventually.’
‘But you’re still managing to get out and about occasionally?’
‘I do my best. It’s not good to stay in and dwell on things we can’t change, is it? And you’ve been keeping busy?’
‘Yes, fairly.’
‘Good; I’m glad to hear it.’
‘Look, I’m sorry I haven’t called for a while. It’s unforgivable—’
Connie shook her head. ‘I’m not your responsibility. You know I’ll always be glad to see you when you have time to visit but I don’t expect you to feel any kind of obligation. You worked so hard to care for Gray when I couldn’t, and for that I’ll always be grateful. When I hated my own failing body for preventing me from doing more for him, I knew at least that he had you.’
‘He never complained; he understood. He wouldn’t have complained anyway; no matter whether he had anyone to look after him or not – he just wasn’t like that.’
‘I know, but I’m his mother. The one thing I was put on this earth to do was raise my son. My one job was to care for him and in the end I couldn’t even do that.’
Nina opened her mouth to argue but Connie spoke again.
‘I suppose that’s all water under the bridge now. There’s no use in moping about what can’t be changed.’
‘Are you OK, though? Coping?’
‘As well as I always was – as well as anyone does. I really ought to ask that of you… you’ve been crying.’
Nina rubbed at her eyes, though she was hardly going to be able to rub away the telltale swelling. ‘Oh, you know how it is when you come here. I don’t think it will ever get any easier.’
‘Yes, yes I do.’ Connie’s gaze drifted to the grave. ‘I know only too well. Life can be cruel, can’t it? First my Terry and then our boy Gray, both taken from me before their time.’
‘But what’s the alternative?’
‘I ask myself that sometimes. There’s my darling Gray, my only boy, lying there, and here am I, still alive, still hobbling around, still useless, an old lady. How is that fair?’
‘None of us get to choose. Perhaps it’s just as well that we don’t because there’d be a lot of lives unlived in a bid to trade places with those we loved. We’d have both traded to save Gray, but I don’t think for a second that’s what he would have wanted.’
Connie’s eyes misted as she shook her head. ‘Of course it’s not. I can hear him now, telling me not to be so daft. Ignore me, I’m a silly old woman.’
‘You’re not at all,’ Nina said, smiling through new tears. She sniffed them back and looked at her watch. The afternoon was ageing fast and dusk here in the churchyard didn’t creep quietly across the land, but rather fell like a heavy blanket dropped onto it, sudden and swift. Nina had been here enough evenings to have experienced it and had almost lost her way trying to find the exit gates when she’d lingered too long. ‘Listen, I’m sorry I haven’t been around so much lately. But I was thinking… do you have time now? There’s a café along the road; we could get a warm drink and catch up?’
Connie smiled, and for a heartbreaking moment Nina saw Gray’s smile. Sometimes, though she’d never tell Connie, that was what made spending time with her so hard for Nina.
‘I’d like that,’ Connie said. ‘I’d like that a lot.’
Nobody had done any work on the garden for a couple of days. Colm still hadn’t been in touch and Nina guessed that he probably had too much paid work on to do theirs for free. Nina did have some spare time to put in, but she was nervous about doing anything without guidance in case she ruined some new grand plan that she wasn’t aware of, so she
decided to wait a while in the hope that Colm would be able to return. If it turned out that he couldn’t, then they’d just have to figure something out, but until they heard otherwise, it seemed like the best course of action.
Besides, if she was completely honest, she was beginning to feel as if she lived in that garden and was quite glad of the break. She and Robyn had been to see Sammy and Diana instead at their home. Sammy had been discharged from hospital, his doctors thrilled by his rapid progress. He’d had to promise to cut out the cigarettes and alcohol completely, lay off the breakfast fry-ups and family-sized chocolate bars – a promise that Diana would see that he kept, even if he didn’t want to. He’d been well – chatty and cheerful despite the banning of all his favourite vices – and they’d both made a huge fuss of Robyn and Nina, treating them to a slap-up lunch (salad for Sammy, which made him look grumpy for the first time that day), steak and chips for everyone else. (Diana responded to his complaint by saying that the reason she was allowed to have steak and chips when he wasn’t was that she hadn’t eaten steak and chips virtually every day of her adult life and perhaps if he’d had the occasional salad in the past, he wouldn’t be in a position where he was forced to eat it now.) They shared a bottle of champagne and Diana did relent and let Sammy have a tiny taste. He looked like a little boy being allowed one sweet out of the bag for good behaviour as he slurped happily. And while all this was going on, Robyn gushed over Colm and his help. Diana smiled knowingly.
‘He’s single, you know,’ she said.
‘Is he?’ Robyn asked, all innocence and disinterest. ‘It hadn’t crossed my mind to ask. I’m single too – how about that?’
Diana laughed. ‘I’ll see what I can do,’ she said, tapping the side of her nose, and Nina felt as if she’d just been punched in the gut. Perhaps she ought to tell Robyn that she liked him. But then, what would that achieve? Would it sound petty, like she’d only decided she liked him because Robyn did? Maybe Robyn and Colm wouldn’t even happen, and if Nina just waited, she might get her chance? Either way, was he really worth jeopardising a friendship for? Or did this whole situation just make her seem like a ridiculous teenager? It certainly made her feel like one at times.
They’d left Sammy and Diana after lunch and Robyn had offered to drive Nina home. It was just as they’d turned into Sparrow Street that Nina stared out of the car window and cried for Robyn to stop.
Robyn jumped in her seat. ‘What the hell…?’
‘Stop!’ Nina repeated. ‘The garden!’
Robyn pulled up and killed the engine while Nina tumbled out of the car. Robyn quickly joined her and they stood together on the pavement, staring at the slick, gleaming iron fencing that now hugged the perimeter of Sparrow Street community gardens.
‘When did this go up?’ Robyn asked.
‘I have no idea; I didn’t really look this morning but I’m sure it wasn’t there then.’
‘I take it from your reaction you didn’t know it was coming.’
‘Not a clue.’ Nina looked at Robyn. ‘Perhaps we ought to go and see Nasser.’
‘It’s hardly vandalism, is it? I would imagine he knows about it already.’
‘But surely he would have run a plan like this past everyone else?’
‘Perhaps he didn’t think he had to. Let’s face it; nobody’s been all that interested since the place was wrecked.’
Nina was thoughtful as her gaze went back to the fencing. It really was stunning – chic and sturdy and freshly painted in a smart black lacquer. ‘Looks expensive. I wonder where the money came from.’
‘There’s a question you might want to ask Nasser,’ Robyn said.
‘Do you think it might have been Sammy? He has been super grateful since his heart attack, even though I still don’t know why because we didn’t really do anything.’
‘Surely he’d have said something while we were there?’ Robyn said doubtfully. ‘Sammy’s generous but I don’t think he’s the anonymous donor type. I think if he’d paid this type of money for something he’d want some credit for it.’
‘But I don’t know who else it could have been,’ Nina insisted.
‘Well, if it is Sammy then that’s another thing we have to thank him for because so far he’s coming through pretty well for us. There’s the radio exposure, sending us that sexy hunk of Irish to look at every day, and now this. If he wants to keep on giving gifts like that I’m not going to complain.’
Nina recalled Diana’s promise to put in a word for Robyn with Colm. Was that one of the gifts she was so eager to receive?
‘Let’s see if Nasser is in,’ she said, rallying herself. ‘Maybe he can shed some light on it.’
Yasmin invited Robyn and Nina in with a broad smile.
‘I’ll warn you now,’ she said as they followed her along the hallway, ‘he’s grumpy because he’s got some work thing to finish for a colleague who’s off sick.’
‘Oh,’ Nina said, ‘I’m sorry – I never thought… Would it be better if we came back? It’s not urgent or anything.’
‘No, don’t worry – you’re here now and he’ll probably be glad of the distraction if I know him.’
From the upper floor Nina could hear footsteps thudding across the ceiling and squeals of childish laughter.
‘Keep it down up there!’ Yasmin called as she passed the foot of the stairs. Then she led Nina and Robyn through to the conservatory where Nasser was sitting on a cane sofa, laptop balanced on his knee and a frown sewn into his forehead.
‘I can’t hear myself think with those kids… Oh!’ Nasser looked up to see Nina and Robyn. ‘Hello! I never heard the doorbell.’
‘You wouldn’t with all that racket upstairs,’ Yasmin said, arching an eyebrow. ‘I don’t know where they get their energy from, but I’m quite sure I don’t have enough to keep control of them.’
There was another squeal, and this time it was followed by wailing instead of laughter.
‘OK,’ Yasmin sighed. ‘Let’s go and see who’s punched who today.’
She left them and Nasser shut the lid of his laptop. ‘What can I do for you?’
‘We’re sorry to swoop in on you like this,’ Nina said, ‘but we just happened to notice the fencing around the garden and we wondered if you knew about it. I mean, that would be a strange kind of vandalism if people were breaking in to make things nicer, but still…’
‘Oh, I know all about it.’ Nasser beamed. ‘It was thanks to our new friend, the gardener.’
‘Colm?’ Nina asked. ‘Who paid him?’
‘Nobody. He paid.’
‘He paid for the railings?’ Nina’s eyes widened. ‘They must have cost a fortune! And he fitted them without payment too?’
‘He said he’d been offered them from a demolition site and they looked very new, so he’d snapped them up because he thought they’d be perfect for us. He said we needed more security at the garden and he came this morning with some friends and put it all up in no time. Doesn’t it look marvellous?’
‘Lovely,’ Nina said vaguely. It was an incredibly generous gesture and, even though she’d thought he’d seemed like a nice man, it was just too generous. ‘That’s it?’ she added. ‘He’s done at the garden now? He’s not coming back?’
‘He’s coming back,’ Nasser said. ‘He told me he could come tomorrow and hopefully that would be all he’d need to complete if he could get enough help. Alas, I’m unable to come again because I have so much to do at work.’
‘Who can come?’ Robyn asked.
‘Ada and Martha, of course,’ Nasser replied serenely. As if Ada and Martha were the answers to everyone’s prayers. The sisters were proving to be more hindrance than help, though nobody would ever say so because they meant well and they were too sweet to offend.
‘Is that all?’ Nina asked, unable to hide her disappointment. What had happened to the huge numbers from the day when they’d first broken soil on the Sparrow Street gardens? What had happened to all the community spirit? Had i
t dried up that easily, at the first sign of a setback?
‘You can count on me,’ Robyn said, and the eagerness in her voice was enough to wind Nina up in a way that she’d hate herself for later.
‘I’ll knock on some doors tonight,’ she said, trying to ignore the monster of jealousy that was rearing its head again. ‘Somebody must be willing to help. After all, we’re almost there now and it would only take one big push from everyone.’
‘I’m one step ahead of you there,’ Nasser said. ‘I’ve been to see those who helped us in the first instance and they either can’t come or don’t want to.’
‘Then I don’t see why we ought to,’ Nina said flatly.
Robyn and Nasser both stared at her now, but for once she didn’t care. She didn’t see why she ought to be slogging her guts out when all the other people who would benefit equally from the project couldn’t be bothered. She felt like the chicken in the old fable who worked all year growing a field of wheat to make bread while all the other animals enjoyed themselves and yet, when the winter came, they all wanted the bread she’d made, even though they hadn’t helped to make it. Well, just like the chicken, Nina wasn’t going to be walked all over and she wasn’t giving her bread away.
‘You’ve got to!’ Robyn said, still staring at her as if at someone she’d never met before. ‘I’m coming and I don’t even live on this street!’
‘Well,’ Nina said, ‘we all know why you’re coming, don’t we?’
Robyn’s eyes widened. ‘What does that mean?’
Nina threw her hands into the air. ‘It means I’m done!’ Heat rushed through her body, her thoughts jumbled and chaotic, and it suddenly felt as if she’d lost everything that made her Nina. All she had was anger, and it was like all the calm grace she’d strived to maintain over the last two years, all the hurt and resentment she’d suppressed since Gray’s death had finally become too much to keep in. All that had happened to her over the last few weeks had added to the pressure, day by day, and today – this. All control was gone and Nina was ready to blow, and the notion, somewhere in the dark, hidden recesses of her furious mind, was terrifying.
The Garden on Sparrow Street: A heartwarming, uplifting Christmas romance Page 14