‘So am I,’ Pam said. ‘And I have you and your dad to thank for that. It’s funny,’ she added, ‘he says the same about you.’
‘What does he say?’
‘That he hasn’t seen you looking this happy in a long time.’
‘Does he? I hadn’t realised it was that noticeable.’
‘Well, I don’t have anything to compare it to but I’d say you look very happy to me too. Radiant, in fact.’
‘Thank you.’ Nina laughed, not quite sure what else to say. Was her new happiness so obvious to everyone?
‘Oh, here he comes now,’ Pam said, pushing herself from her chair as Colm returned with the drinks.
‘Don’t leave on my account,’ he said, putting them down on the table. ‘In fact, I could get another for you if you want to sit with us for a while. What’ll you have?’
Pam shook her head. ‘That’s kind of you but I really need to find my sister. She has a tendency to get naked when she’s drunk and she was looking a bit too close to it last time I saw her.’
Nina’s eyes widened and Pam laughed at her look of shock.
‘Don’t worry,’ Pam said. ‘It doesn’t last long. About ten minutes after she hits the naked stage she hits the fall-asleep stage. If I can keep her covered up for a while until the urge to strip passes, she’ll be out cold soon after and we won’t need to worry.’
Colm burst out laughing. ‘We’d better let you find her then.’
Pam smiled. ‘Hopefully I’ll catch up with you later.’
Nina nodded and a second later Pam wandered off, disappearing into the crowd. Colm took the seat she’d just vacated.
‘You two looked as if you were getting along well,’ he said.
‘We were. That’s what we were talking about actually – about how nerve-wracking it is to be introduced to the children of a new partner.’
‘And you were telling her how anxious you’ve been about Polly?’
‘How do you know that?’
‘Because I’m learning what makes you tick very quickly. You worry about everyone else – whether they’re happy – even if it makes you unhappy in the process. Maybe it’s not such a good thing for you but it’s still a beautiful trait.’ He picked up his beer and took a quick gulp before setting it down again and holding her in a suddenly earnest gaze. ‘It’s one of the many reasons I love you…’
Nina stared at him.
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘there’s nothing like a few drinks to bring out the truth. I’ve said it now – you can do what you like with it.’
He looked as if he was afraid he might be rejected, that his admission of love might be rejected too. He suddenly looked as if he wished he hadn’t said it. Nina simply smiled.
‘I love you too,’ she said, the words coming so easily and naturally that it almost took her by surprise.
‘Right,’ he said, breaking into a relieved smile of his own now, ‘that could have been awkward.’
Nina leant in to kiss him. ‘I love you,’ she repeated. ‘I don’t think there’s anything awkward about that, is there?’
‘No,’ he said. He paused. ‘I want to…’ he began, but then stopped, a slight shake of his head. ‘One thing at a time,’ he said, and it seemed to Nina that wasn’t what he’d originally meant to say.
‘What?’ she asked. ‘What did you want to do?’
‘I…’ He gazed at her and she waited, knowing somehow that what she was supposed to have heard would have changed everything again, but she wasn’t scared; she could tell it was something good, something that might finally make her complete after so long feeling lost and alone.
‘You can say it,’ she urged.
‘Nina, there’s something—’
Just then, a shout went up from the dance floor and everyone looked to see a woman – perhaps in her late fifties – stripped to her bra and flinging her blouse around with gay abandon.
‘What the…’ Colm stared.
Nina laughed. ‘It must be Pam’s sister. She wasn’t exaggerating when she told us about this then.’
‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph…’ Colm gulped as he looked again. ‘Do you think we ought to do something?’
A horrified Pam rushed across the dance floor with a jacket and wrapped it around her sister while a spontaneous round of applause spread through the room.
‘Looks like Pam’s got it under control,’ Nina said.
‘I have to say I’m slightly relieved about that,’ Colm replied. ‘I didn’t fancy rugby-tackling her to the ground to try and get her covered up.’
‘Especially as she was likely to get more naked before she fell asleep,’ Nina said with a grin.
‘This is one party we won’t forget in a hurry,’ he said.
‘It is,’ Nina agreed, though she wasn’t thinking about Pam’s sister now.
Colm reached for his beer and took another swift gulp. The music was loud, the room hot and cramped, and neither of them heard Colm’s phone ringing as it sat on the table between them. But then Nina noticed it was flashing an incoming call. It was out so he could keep an eye on it in case Polly needed him as she was currently home alone. Nina saw that it was her name showing on the screen now.
‘Maybe you should see what she wants?’ she said, angling her head at it.
‘Probably wants batteries for the game controller or something,’ he said, picking it up. ‘Give me a minute?’ he added, leaving the table.
‘Of course.’ Nina watched as he took the phone somewhere quieter.
He was gone for a good ten minutes, which wasn’t long, but clearly what Polly had needed to say had turned out to be more than a quick question about batteries. Still, Nina wasn’t worried as she watched Pam lead her giggling sister away from the dance floor to more cheers from knowing friends and relatives. How could she be anything other than happy and relaxed when the evening was about as perfect as she could have hoped for?
She was still happy and relaxed when Colm returned, but it didn’t last long as she noted the look on his face. In fact, his whole demeanour had changed. Gone was the warm, contented smile he’d worn all evening, replaced by tense anxiety.
‘I’m really sorry about this but I have to go.’ He gathered his jacket as Nina stared at him. ‘Shit…’ he added, ‘too much to drink… I knew I should have stayed sober.’ He looked up at Nina. ‘Know any numbers for a cab?’
‘What’s the matter? What’s happened?’
‘It’s nothing, don’t worry,’ he said, opening the browser on his phone and searching for a local taxi company. ‘Apologise to your dad for me. Will you be able to get home OK?’
‘Of course – I expect Robyn and Peter will be able to give me a lift.’
‘Peter…’ Colm looked up from his phone and scanned the room. ‘Quicker than a cab,’ he murmured. ‘I wonder if he’d mind…’
‘Colm! Please tell me what’s happened! Is Polly alright?’
‘She’s…’ Colm looked at her now, an internal struggle clear on his face. ‘Something’s happened at home.’
‘What?’
‘I don’t know if I can…’
‘You can tell me; I want to help!’
His expression was sad now and he shook his head slowly. ‘Not this time, Nina.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because it’s Jane. She’s come home.’
Chapter Twenty-Five
Colm had charged off in such a blind panic that Nina had barely been able to get more than that from him. It wasn’t about him seeing Jane, he’d reassured her – it was about being there so that Polly wouldn’t have to deal with her return alone, and Nina couldn’t really argue with that. She was sure, faced with the same situation, she’d rush home too. Still, it hadn’t stopped her going to the toilets for a self-pitying cry once he’d gone. She’d made some excuse for him having to leave early to her dad and anyone else who’d asked, not knowing how much of the truth he’d want her to reveal to others at this stage. She hadn’t been able to ask him about that ei
ther – the only thing he’d managed to say before he left was that he’d call her the following day. Even with this promise, she couldn’t help but feel she’d lost him already.
Nina didn’t text Colm the following morning. She didn’t call him either; she gave him space. He’d need time with Jane and Polly, time to talk and think and maybe even plan, and Nina recognised this, even though it broke her to think about it. Worse than knowing those discussions were happening was not knowing the outcome. Was Jane planning to stay? Why had she come home now after all this time? Had she turned up out of the blue or had Colm had warnings that he hadn’t told Nina about? Had she turned up with an agenda or simply to remind them she was still alive? What was her current state of mind and would that change things? Did Colm want her? He’d told Nina he didn’t but realistically he wouldn’t have said anything else, would he? Would he have recognised that he wanted her, even if he did? Would seeing her standing in front of him change his feelings, bring love rushing back? And how much influence would Polly have over the outcome?
Nina couldn’t know any of the answers to these and so many more questions that plagued her and so she waited, wondering and hoping against hope, wishing, selfishly, that Jane had stayed away. She was slowly coming to the conclusion that somehow life or fate or destiny, or whatever you wanted to call it, meant for Nina to be alone.
It was with mixed feelings that, sometime after midday, Nina opened the front door to find Colm on the doorstep. Her heart beat madly as their eyes met and she saw his pain clearly. Snow was struggling to break free from heavy skies, falling in irregular and sparse bursts. Winston would have said it was too cold to snow, which had never made any sense to Nina, even though he’d often been right. The odd flake settled in Colm’s hair now as he waited for Nina to respond to his arrival.
‘Can I come in?’ he asked.
Nina stepped back from the threshold to admit him and he stepped in, dragging his boots on the doormat to clear the wet from them.
‘I’ll put the kettle on—’ she began, turning to lead the way through to the kitchen, but Colm laid a gentle hand on her arm.
‘I can’t stay long – I’m sorry. I just thought you deserved an explanation for what happened last night in person rather than on the phone.’
‘An explanation,’ Nina repeated dully. ‘OK.’
‘It’s knowing where to start…’
‘Jane wants to come back for good?’ Nina asked. Of course she did – why would it be anything else? When did things ever work out in Nina’s interest; when did she ever get what she wanted?
Colm nodded. Nina had a feeling she knew what else was coming. The only way to deal with it was to meet it head-on.
‘She wants you to be a family again?’ she said.
‘Yes.’
‘She says she needed time away but she’s all better now and she won’t do it again?’
‘Yes. At least, sort of. The commune has disbanded. Apparently someone stole something from someone else and it all got a bit nasty.’
‘So she couldn’t go back up there even if she wanted to.’
‘She says she was thinking of coming home anyway. She says she’s been thinking about us a lot.’
‘Do you believe her?’
‘I don’t know what to believe. Whatever, she’s still Polly’s ma so I can hardly stop them from being together if that’s what they both want.’
Nina caught him squarely in the eye. This was not the time to shrink from the truth and it wouldn’t help anyone in the end.
‘Is that what you want? She’s still your wife too. Do you want to be with her now she’s home? Do you want your family together again as much as Polly does?’
‘No…’ he began, but then rubbed a hand across his chin, looking helpless. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Do you still love her?’
He sighed. ‘I don’t even know her any more.’
You said you loved me, Nina thought, but she didn’t say it. Had she only ever been a substitute after all? Had her position in his life always promised to be tenuous, dependent on the return of his wife? Or had he really meant what he’d said before it all went so wrong?
‘How does Polly feel about it?’ Nina asked.
‘She’s thrilled to have her ma back,’ he said. Nina sensed a but. She raised her eyebrows in a silent question. ‘I don’t think she can really see the bigger picture yet,’ he admitted.
‘Which is?’
Colm dragged a hand through his hair and let out a long breath. ‘Jane’s been missing for five years. You don’t just walk back into a family after five years and pick up like you’ve never been away. Our family has changed because of her absence. Polly and I have both changed. We can’t just go back to being the people she left behind.’
‘Polly doesn’t see it like that?’
‘Neither does Jane.’
‘Doesn’t that seem insensitive? And a little bit inconsiderate?’ Nina asked.
Colm let out another heavy breath. ‘God knows what goes on in that woman’s mind. I didn’t know five years ago and I don’t know now.’
Nina was silent for a moment, trying to read him, trying to get a fix on where Jane’s sudden return left them. He looked pained, regretful, but his eyes told her nothing more.
‘Nina,’ he said, breaking the silence. ‘You have to believe that I had no idea this might happen. If I had I never would have—’
‘I know,’ Nina cut in. She didn’t want him to say it. Whatever happened now, she wouldn’t want to undo those precious, wonderful weeks they’d shared as a couple, even if it never amounted to anything more. And if she’d been able to look into the future, to see where this was going, she would still have chosen to follow that path, even knowing it would end like this.
‘I think, perhaps…’ she began slowly, ‘that I’m a complication right now.’
‘What? No!’
‘Hear me out,’ she said. ‘I think you need time, and I think if you were being honest, you know it too.’
‘I don’t need—’
‘If not for Jane or for you then for Polly. There’s too much unfinished business there that needs addressing.’
‘Nina, please…’
She shook her head with a sad smile. ‘I’ve had the most wonderful time with you and you’ve given me gifts you couldn’t even begin to understand. You can never imagine what you’ve done for me, how you’ve helped me to change. Know that I’ll always care for you and I’ll always think of our time fondly but we can’t carry on as we did before – not in the face of this.’
‘But last night you said—’
‘I did and I meant it. I know you meant it too, but then Jane came home.’
‘That doesn’t matter.’
‘It does. You’ve said yourself this is the one thing Polly longed for year after year, the one wish she made every Christmas. You told me how damaged you were for a long time after Jane left. I believe that when you said you loved me last night you meant it, but I don’t believe I can have the whole of your heart while Jane is in your life.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘I’m saying that I’m not what you need right now. I’m saying this is me, taking a step back to let you decide what’s important and what you really want.’
‘But I—’
‘Don’t. Don’t make this harder than it already is.’
‘Hard for you! How do you think this is for me?’
Nina gave him a sad smile. ‘I know; that’s why I’m doing this. I can’t be sure that you don’t still love Jane a little, and I know for sure that you love Polly most of all. If you thought for a minute that taking this opportunity from her without even trying to make it work would hurt her, you wouldn’t think twice about me. And that’s OK,’ she added, putting a hand up to his protestation, ‘it really is. I suppose if I had a son or daughter I’d do the same.’
Colm hesitated. Nina could see the battle raging within clearly on his face, the struggle between duty
and family and the promise of something new, something that might make him far happier. She felt safe in the knowledge that when he’d said he loved her it was true, but things had changed and even he couldn’t deny that the return of his estranged wife complicated things in a way that neither of them could have foreseen. Nina, however, knew better than anyone the importance of family and she was not about to stand in the way of one that could be whole again if that was what they wanted.
Finally, he bowed his head in a brief nod. ‘I’ll call when I know more.’
‘It might be best if you don’t.’
‘Please…’
‘This is a big deal and I’m sure you need time. Take it – take what you need to sort out what you and Polly want.’ She gave him a tight smile. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’
She meant that too; if he was destined to come back to her she’d be waiting. But something told her that he wasn’t. Once he’d got to grips with a life that had Jane in it again, it would be the end for him and Nina.
He moved towards her and, for a moment, she thought he would kiss her. But then he fell back again looking hopelessly defeated.
‘If it’s what you want,’ he said.
‘It’s not what I want but it’s what I think is needed.’
‘I’m sorry, you know, truly. I never meant for any of this to happen.’
‘Nobody ever means these things to happen but they do.’
He was silent again, looking at her, waiting, perhaps, for a prompt, for her to tell him what came next.
‘I’m sure you need to get back,’ she said.
‘Right.’ He nodded. ‘Goodbye then.’
‘Goodbye, Colm.’
He didn’t leave, even then, but stared forlornly at her for a moment longer. Perhaps he recognised as well as she did that once he walked out of the door there was a good chance it was over between them. But how could Nina ask him to do anything else?
Eventually he left, quietly and without fuss. No grand gesture, no begging, no promises. He simply went, and Nina closed the door, closing out the daylight so it was just her, standing in her gloomy hallway. Then she went to sit at the kitchen table and opened her laptop. She had things to do and they wouldn’t wait, not even for a broken heart to mend.
The Garden on Sparrow Street: A heartwarming, uplifting Christmas romance Page 26