by Alex Jane
"You know you could come behind this bar and help out?" Justin said with a smile, knowing exactly what his uncle's reply would be.
"Why the hell would I do that? I haven't been training you all this time only to have to work in my own bar. Get on with it."
5
There was a car alarm going off somewhere. Justin groaned and tried to pull the pillow over his head to drown out the noise but it didn't do much good. Once his brain got a taste of consciousness, there was no way he could fall back to sleep. It might have been an advantage if the alarm was his. But it wasn't, and he was of half a mind to kill the person who was letting it go on and on and on.
His shift at the bar had been a busy one, not getting home until almost three in the morning. He wouldn't have minded so much but it looked as if his plan to sleep in wasn't going to happen. When the alarm finally stopped, cutting out abruptly with a squeak, Justin closed his eyes and lay there a little longer, hoping that maybe if he pretended hard enough, he might be able to nap a while longer.
In truth, he hadn't been sure whether he would have been able to fall asleep when he'd got into bed without having been exhausted. He'd been in a foul mood since his encounter with Roman in the storage room and it had only increased as the night went on. By the time Tyler had dropped him back at the house, he was pretty sure his uncle was glad to see the back of him.
Lying awake with only his thoughts for company only confirmed he was still feeling lousy about what he had said to Roman the night before. Maybe if Roman hadn't kissed him it wouldn't have been so bad, but now he'd had a taste of what he had been missing, he felt as wretched as the day they had broken up years before.
Although tempted to spend the day in bed, he knew his mom would only come and find him if he didn't show himself for breakfast, and it was going to take a minute to get his head together so he'd be able to pretend everything was okay.
Dragging himself out from under the covers, he headed to the bathroom, turning the shower up until the water was almost scorching, and scrubbing at his skin as if he could wash the misery off him. By the time he'd pulled on some blue jeans and a scruffy old sweater that was two sizes too big and made it downstairs, coffee was brewing and someone was making bacon and eggs by the smell of it.
His mom was at the stove with Kyle spooned up behind her, arms wrapped around her waist, whispering something in her ear that was making her giggle and smile. Justin rolled his eyes and went to the fridge, pulling out the OJ without making a comment. They had been this way since they'd gotten together, and after the first eight years of his life—watching his mother be so unhappy and pretending she wasn't for his sake—there was no way Justin was going to say anything to make them feel like they had to stop acting like loved-up teenagers.
"You got in late last night," Kyle said casually, after giving his wife a peck on the cheek and returning to the table carrying a plate of toast.
Justin yawned as he nodded, pouring the juice into the glasses that were already on the table. "More like early this morning."
"You should've slept in," his mom said, which made Justin laugh.
"I would have but somebody's alarm decided I should get up and face the day."
"You don't sound too happy about it. I thought you had plans to hang out with what's-her-name."
Justin frowned over at his dad. It had always bugged him a little how Kyle never really accepted Casey. He'd never been quite able to get a coherent answer as to why he didn't like her. "Are you really still doing the whole she-who-must-not-be-named thing? We're almost twenty-three, Dad."
Kyle didn't grace him with an answer, only shrugged and pushed a huge mound of toast onto his plate, as if carbs were the answer to everything.
"Does that mean you're not hanging out with her today? Because I know Eric could do with a hand down at the community center."
"I never said that," Justin said quickly. He knew from experience that if he didn't speak up immediately, he'd be dragged into some activity or other, which would eat up all his time.
"You sure everything's okay with you?"
Sometimes having a cop in the family was the worst. Justin did his best to look casual and slightly confused by the question, but from the way Kyle was studying him, he didn't think trying to front it out was the best way to go.
Spooning a large dollop of scrambled eggs onto his plate from the pan his mom put on the table as she came to sit with them, he shrugged and said, "Casey's got some stuff going on right now. It's more that I'm not really sure if everything is okay with her."
"You wanna talk about it?"
Justin tried to hide his smile behind his hand. It appeared he wasn't the only one who sucked at trying to look casual. Kyle looked as if he was dying to get the details. But at least Justin could be confident that when one of his parents asked him a question they weren't just going through the motions.
"I don't know," he said, trying to figure out whether what he and Casey had talked about the other night was something he could go around telling people. But he was close with his parents and figured if he didn't say something right then, once the whole town knew about her quitting—which wouldn't take too long—they'd be pissed he had been keeping secrets from them. "I guess…Casey dropped out of school."
The silence in the room was deafening, his parents' actions slowing as if they were in a corny action movie and ninjas were about to drop through the skylight or something, as they exchanged concerned looks.
"Are you serious?" his mom asked, incredulous.
"That was my reaction too." Justin took a big bite out of a piece of toast. "I thought maybe she was having a nervous breakdown, but we talked it over the other night, as much as she would talk about anything, and it looks as if she's not going to change her mind." Justin glanced between his parents briefly, trying to gauge how freaked out they were before adding, "I get the impression that if she hadn't dropped out, they would've kicked her out anyway."
The chair Kyle was sitting on creaked as he sat back in it, taking up the paper towel he was using as a napkin and wiping at his mouth, getting the grease out of his mustache before he spoke. "I'm assuming she's told her parents about this?"
"Yeah." Justin grimaced. "I get the impression they weren't exactly thrilled. Although you know what they're like. Her dad is pretending it isn't happening, and her mom is pretending she doesn't exist." It was hard to miss the look that passed between his parents then. "I know she's not your favorite person, but do you think you could maybe cut Casey a little slack if you bump into them in the supermarket, just this once. Say something nice about her to them."
It was a surprise when it was his mom who let out a strange, almost angry laugh. "You've got to be kidding me," she said. "I think if you dropped out of school at the last minute, so close to graduating, I would be marching you back to Minnesota, on foot if necessary, and going to every class with you to make sure you passed, if only as a punishment for putting me through that."
"You're not thinking of dropping out, are you?" Kyle asked, his eyebrows drawn in with concern.
"Are you insane?" Justin said, laughing. "You really think that just because Casey is a complete idiot, that I would quit what I'm doing too?"
It was mildly horrifying when both his parents gave a small shrug and a tilt of the head before his mom said, "It wouldn't be the first time."
"Oh my god. You make me sound like a total sheep. When have I ever done that?"
"Uh, plenty," his mom said, almost amused. "What about the time she stole her mother's cigarettes and Eric caught the two of you smoking behind the arcade?"
"Well, that wasn't—"
"Or the time she persuaded you to shave your head," Kyle piped up through a mouth full of bacon.
"Oh no, what happened then was—"
"Or the day she thought it would be a good idea to skip school and take you with her to the mall," his mom cut in, with much the same look on her face as the day that they had been spotted by a friend of hers and
summarily grounded until the end of time. Justin wasn't feeling much like trying to justify that one.
"Or when she got you and Roman to break up the first time."
That certainly got Justin to look up from his plate, glaring with confusion at his dad. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asked. "You know that's not what happened."
"I think that's exactly what happened," Kyle said, gesturing with his fork and looking a little surprised that Justin was trying to argue otherwise.
"No," Justin said slowly. "She was just the one who told me about the stupid rumor in the first place."
"As I recall, she was the only one who had heard about the rumor."
As much as Justin wanted to come back with a denial, there had always been something about that whole episode that didn't sit right with him. Back then it had seemed quite clear that his friend was only trying to help.
After Roman had transferred to the high school it had taken quite a while before he and Justin had begun drifting into each other's orbit. It had taken even longer for Justin to realize why—neither one of them confident about admitting their growing attraction. When he and Roman had started to become slightly more than friends—in that sweet, quiet way their relationship had begun: holding hands in the dark of the movie theater and tentative kisses behind the bleachers—Casey had only been looking out for him. Or at least that is what she'd told him when she'd come to him with tales of Roman only wanting to date him because of who his uncle was. He and Roman had argued, but their separation had been brief once they had talked it through and it had become clear there had been a misunderstanding. But Justin had to admit it had never crossed his mind to doubt Casey had made an honest mistake. Until now.
"That wasn't her fault," he said, even though he didn't quite believe it. "And besides, you must be out of your mind if you think I would quit college just because she told me to. This is my career we're talking about, not a bad haircut."
Kyle nodded and went back to eating his breakfast, apparently satisfied with the answer. His mom wasn't of a mind to let the subject go, however, snapping a piece of bacon and popping it into her mouth as she looked wistfully out the window. "I actually feel a little sorry for her parents. It must have cost them a fortune sending her to Stanford. Do you have any idea what she's going to do now? Surely she must have some kind of plan if she's left school already?"
"That's the craziest part," Justin said. "I don't think she knows what she wants to do. She's been so focused on becoming a lawyer her whole life, now that's over I have no idea what she wants. I think she wanted to take some time out before deciding."
"It's a good idea," his mom said. "Maybe she can spend some time at home. Get a job. Something easy to take her mind off things."
"Do you think Tyler would give her a job at the bar?" It was a serious question so Justin wasn't prepared when Kyle barked out a laugh.
"Not a chance in hell. Besides," Kyle said, smirking, "we have you home for a bit longer to fill in. Speaking of, how was your shift last night?" Justin's face must have given something away as Kyle's smirk was overtaken by a frown. "What happened? Out with it."
Justin put down his knife and fork and pushed his plate away. There was little point in trying to fabricate something, not when he knew full well Kyle would go straight to Tyler, and Tyler would tell him everything. "It was nothing really. Tyler and Joel thought it would be a good idea to put me and Roman in the same room. It didn't work out."
"What happened?" his mom asked, unable to hide the frisson of excitement in her voice.
"Nothing happened. Well…" Justin's voice trailed away as the sense memory of Roman's lips touching his came flooding back. He might have left it at that if it weren't for the two sets of pleading eyes, seemingly dying of anticipation as they watched him. In the end, he threw up his hands and slumped back in his chair. "We just talked. God."
"That was it?" Justin's mom sounded weirdly disappointed.
"Yes."
From the look on his mom's face, and the way his dad quirked an eyebrow, Justin figured maybe his answer had come out as more of a question than he would've liked. Huffing out a breath, he waved a hand as if to dismiss their interest as overblown. "I don't understand why everyone is so invested in me and Roman. Don't you all have your own drama to be worrying about?" Realizing what he'd said, Justin quickly added, "Not that there is any me and Roman. Just me—and Roman. Separately."
If anything, his protests only made his parents look at him even harder. "You sure about that?" Kyle asked, fingering the rim of his coffee cup.
Justin wasn't sure what was worse, the look of suspicion on one side of the table, or the hopeful, eager expression on the other. As usual, he caved too easy.
"Okay. He kissed me. Is that what you want to hear?"
"You don't seem very happy about it." Justin's mom looked worried suddenly.
Hoping to assuage her concern, Justin shrugged and picked up his fork, poking at the food on his plate as he said casually, "He'd been drinking. And he's not in a good place right now. It didn't mean anything. We were talking and I was sympathetic and I think he just did it on impulse."
"Doesn't sound like Roman," Kyle said softly, bringing his coffee cup up to his lips and taking a sip. "That boy hardly does a thing without thinking it through."
Justin couldn't really argue with that, but it didn't change the way he felt about the previous night. "Well I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I think you're going to have to find your gossip someplace else. I'm pretty sure after what I said to him to get him to back off, he's not going to want to talk to me anytime soon."
"It's not a question of disappointment," his mom said seriously. "The two of you have been so miserable since you broke up. You've never really gotten over each other. I know for a fact you haven't dated and I'm pretty sure Roman hasn't either—"
"Excuse you," Justin interrupted, his indignation hopefully covering up the hurt this conversation was causing. He didn't want to face up to any of this, let alone in front of his family. "I've dated."
"Oh, really." Kyle was almost smiling, but Justin would be damned if he could find anything about the situation funny. "I don't think you can call what you've been doing 'dating.' What's the longest relationship you've been in since you broke up with that boy? Ten days? Two weeks?"
"All right, all right. I get your point. I'm a ho." Justin let the fork in his hands fall and clatter onto his plate as he sat back in his chair. "I still don't see why you think getting back with Roman would be a good idea. I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed."
Even as he said the words, he couldn't deny the heavy weight of sadness that came from knowing they could be true, that he and Roman had missed their chance. If last night had proved anything, it was that even getting close meant hurting each other, and Justin couldn't see how they could ever bridge that void.
"I don't think so," Kyle said, and there was something in his voice that had Justin believing him for a moment. "I think the two of you need to sit down and talk honestly about what you want, and about what happened back then." Kyle held up his hand as Justin started to protest. "No. I know what you're going to say and I don't think you talked about anything. I think you argued, there was definitely a lot of yelling as I recall. But I'm not sure through all of it if you really communicated. And being you didn't talk to us about what happened between you, I think maybe things got a little mixed up in both your heads. This might be easier to fix than you realize. Assuming you still want to fix it?"
It would be a cold day in hell before Justin was ready to answer that. Partly as he was still fighting the piece of him he knew would always be in love with Roman. But mostly as he hated telling his dad he was right. The smug look on his face was too hard to take.
"I talked about it. I talked to Casey about it, actually."
The mocking laugh that huffed out of his mom was unexpected. "I wouldn't be surprised if that had done more harm than good, kiddo."
"She's my friend, M
om."
His mom reached out for him and he didn't fight it when her fingers wrapped around his "Sometimes," she said. "But not all the time. Maybe you need to figure out this thing for yourself. Decide what you need before you talk to either of them."
"You know," Justin said gently, squeezing her hand. "I am okay. I am doing okay on my own."
"Out of everyone I've ever met," Kyle said as he pushed back his chair from the table, leaning forward to clap a hand on Justin's shoulder as he stood. "You're the last person I ever thought would settle for merely being okay. Maybe it's time you stepped up and decided to be exceptional, like you always promised me you'd be."
For a second, Justin wasn't sure if Kyle had ever said anything worse to him in his whole life. Mostly because he wasn't wrong, again. Justin didn't like being called out, but he sure as hell liked the look of disappointment on his dad's face even less.
6
Justin knew he should have kept his mouth shut. His mom's go-to answer for all his problems was that he should help her out to take his mind off things. The mall was heaving with people as Justin trailed around after her as she picked up a few last-minute gifts. With no shopping of his own to do—having ordered the lot online before Thanksgiving—Justin was serving as baggage handler and occasional model, having to stand with his arms out as his mother measured sweaters against his back to see if they would fit whoever she had in mind for them.
All in all, it was doing nothing to distract him from the conversation they'd had that morning. It would've been easier if Justin was inclined to dismiss anything his parents had said, but he knew he couldn't. He could keep telling himself—and everyone around him—that he was okay, but for the last five years, no matter how many times he repeated the sentiment, it just wasn't true.
Or rather Kyle had hit the nail on the head. He was okay, but okay wasn't good enough. Whether that had anything to do with Roman, Justin wasn't sure, but either way he knew he was going to have to address the issue sooner rather than later. Perhaps when he got back to school he would hit up one of the counselors a friend had recommended to see if they could sort through the mess in his brain.