by Alex Jane
"Yeah, you did," Justin said, sending a small smile over his shoulder. "It's not like it isn't true." That was the worst of it. If only he hadn't taken Casey's word as gospel all those years before. If only he had asked Roman exactly what had been said, instead of launching an attack so ferocious Roman's only option had been to defend himself. If only he had spoken to Roman's teammates, then he might've known what Casey was saying was untrue. But he hadn't. He had trusted her even when he knew she was less than trustworthy. Because he'd thought out of everyone, she would never do something so heinous to him. He'd thought because they were friends, she would always have his back. But as it turned out, her interference was simply because she'd wanted him all to herself and was prepared to do whatever it took to break him and Roman up. And he had let it happen.
Taking a deep breath, Justin moved back to the table and took the chair next to Roman's. "I don't really know what to say. She came by the bar and started trying to persuade me to drop out of school and go with her on a road trip or some nonsense. I confronted her about the things she had said." Justin scrubbed both hands over his face. "She didn't even deny it. She said she had done it for my own good, can you believe that?"
Roman didn't appear inclined to answer one way or the other. His fingers twitched on the table top, and Justin had the strangest sensation that if he reached out for him, Roman would slide his hand over and press their palms together—just like they used to.
"I basically told her to get lost and she went full psycho on me. I don't know if it was ice or something, but I tripped and fell, banged my head. Before I could even get my bearings, Eric was pulling her off me. I don't know what happened after that."
"You don't remember?" Roman said, sounding very concerned and leaning forward in his seat.
Justin chuckled. "No, dumbass. I went back inside. Tyler fussed over me for five minutes. Then I went back to work."
"You should've called me. You should've called me to come and fetch you. I could've taken you home. Or to the hospital—"
Without thinking it through, Justin reached over and took Roman's hand, shaking his head and smiling at him affectionately. "I didn't need the hospital. And I didn't need to go home. I was okay."
It took a while for Roman to get some kind of composure, and it shocked Justin a little bit quite how worried he appeared to be. It surprised him even more when the first words out of Roman's mouth were, "Will you come to the Christmas market with me tonight? I haven't been for so long and I know you love it. We could go together, eat giant pretzels and drink too much mulled cider, and get sick on the Ferris wheel. Just forget all about this for a while."
"That sounds suspiciously like a date, Roman."
"It doesn't have to be," Roman said quietly, convincing no one.
"Well." Justin plucked at his jeans and shifted in his seat. "I promised I would help Tyler set up, so I'll be there anyway."
"Will you be bartending?" It had taken a bit of persuasion on Justin's mom's part, but since Tyler had relented and set up a stall at the Christmas market the town held every year, he had been converted from his intrinsic Scrooge-like ways and had been doing a hog roast and beer ever since. As usual, Justin and all his uncles had been press-ganged into helping one way or another, although there was never a shortage of people volunteering to serve beer and food when there was a promise of free sandwiches. Tonight was Justin's turn to help set up the barbecue and haul crates of beer from the back of the van. It was hardly glamorous, but Justin had been looking forward to being part of the Christmas atmosphere that he loved.
"I think once everything is set up, he might let me go for a little while," Justin said, hoping he would be able to talk his uncle into it.
"Even a little while would be good," Roman said, squeezing Justin's fingers for a second. "I'd feel a little weird going on the carousel all by myself."
"I'm pretty sure there would be plenty of volunteers to go on with you." Justin meant the jibe to be teasing, but Roman's open expression pulled into a frown and he loosened the grip on Justin's hand.
"Maybe I don't want to go on with anyone else."
Justin wanted to laugh but didn't, instead shaking his head and shrugging. "I just don't get it," he said. "After everything that's happened, after everything I said to you, I can't believe you really want anything to do with me."
Roman smiled slightly and got up from the chair. "You don't have to believe it. You just have to show up."
Justin didn't really know what to say, so only nodded. That seemed to be enough for Roman, nodding back and heading out the same way he had come in, leaving Justin alone in the kitchen with his brain aching from more than just a bang on the head.
It wasn't easy getting through the day knowing at the end of it Roman would be waiting for their date, whatever the hell they were doing. Justin got on with things anyway, even if he were a little distracted. He showered, taking a little longer than necessary, and tried on three variations of jeans and sweater before leaving for the bar to help Tyler load up the van. Not that he wouldn't have wanted to look good anyway, but he still couldn't stop himself from making more of an effort, knowing he had the chance to maybe impress Roman.
By the time evening rolled around, he was actually enjoying himself and relaxed. All the heavy lifting and running errands for his uncle had kept him warm, even when his breath came out in white clouds in front of his face and the icy night air nipped at his extremities. The German-inspired Christmas market was much the same as it was every year—the village of small wooden huts lit up with colored lights, and music coming from every direction. The hog roast Tyler had arranged was on the outer edge, so as not to dowse the other vendors with smoke and fat, and their large wooden hut had an open front where people could walk right in and buy a beer or mulled cider.
The place had quite a few visitors during the daylight hours but it really came alive after the sun went down. After more than a week of business, Justin imagined there wouldn't be anyone left in the county who hadn't visited the event, but being they shut it down on Christmas Eve—meaning this was the last night—he figured perhaps everyone was making the most of it, coming back for a second chance to meet with friends, buy last-minute trinkets and baubles, take in the lights and the carnival attractions before they were gone.
He was taking money from a customer and wishing them a merry Christmas when he saw Chase and Joel walk up. It didn't occur to him that the goofy smiles on their faces were anything to do with him until he spotted Roman behind them looking a little sheepish.
When Tyler saw his brother coming, he slapped Justin on the shoulder and gestured with his head. "You're done for the night, kid." When Justin only looked at him in confusion, Tyler rolled his eyes and pointed to Chase. He was laughing with his husband and taking off his heavy coat. "Chase can take over. You should go spend some time with your man."
"He's not my man," Justin said too quickly, surprised that Tyler would say such a thing.
But Tyler only shot him a disparaging look. "Well, you should probably do something about that, don't you think?" Given the way his uncle immediately went back to work, it was clearly a rhetorical question. Still, he did as he was told, grabbing his coat, and getting a sly, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," from Chase as they passed each other at the door. Justin figured that was hardly good advice given some of the stories he'd heard about what Chase and Joel got up to in their spare time, but he smiled anyway and walked out into the crowd to find Roman.
It didn't take long, although when Justin saw Roman crouched down, talking to a little kid wearing a ball cap with his number on it, he hung back. Roman was hardly a household name, yet, not like his uncle, but around town people knew he was a star in the making. It might have been easy for him to lose touch, to grow a big head and big ego, but he was lucky enough to have Chase as his mentor and keep him sane in the same way that Chase had his brothers to keep his feet on the ground. So, of course, Roman would drop everything to talk to a little kid and to shake his parent
s' hands because he thought it was the right thing to do.
As the family walked away, Justin moved forward, catching Roman's eye. Roman gave him a slight smile. "You been standing there long?" he asked, looking a little embarrassed.
"Not long," Justin said. "Looks like you made his Christmas."
"He's a cute kid. I wasn't going to say no."
"I know. I wouldn't expect you to."
"So," Roman said, reaching out to straighten Justin's scarf. "Why don't you let me know how I can make your Christmas?"
The line made Justin laugh out loud. "As smooth as always. You been working on that all day?"
Roman smiled and shrugged. "Not all day. Come on. I think I promised you a giant pretzel."
"And the carousel," Justin called after him as he walked away. "Don't forget the carousel."
They bought giant pretzels and mugs of mulled wine, little chocolate reindeer, and a whole bunch of other stuff they could fit in their pockets as they milled around, checking out all the vendors and having a much better time than Justin could have imagined. Somehow it was easy, walking side-by-side, talking about nothing of importance, bumping into old high school friends and making conversation as if the last few years hadn't even happened.
It wasn't lost on Justin either, the way that Roman looked at him. It was hardly lascivious but there was heat in his gaze, and Justin's body reacted as it had always done. Since the day he'd laid eyes on Roman, he had thought him beautiful, more than simply the way he looked, but the way he moved, the slant of his lips when he smiled, the tone of his voice. There was nothing about him Justin didn't find attractive. It was probably the reason why Justin had always found it so hard to believe Roman could be interested in someone like him. That such a beautiful, talented athlete could choose a skinny queer kid seemed unlikely at best. It was that insecurity that had ultimately broken them up and Justin knew that if he wasn't careful his fears could ruin the tentative relationship they were rebuilding. Admittedly, he wasn't the skinny kid anymore, and perhaps Roman could do better, but at least Justin knew what he wanted and had no doubt Roman was worth fighting for.
Once they had seen every stall and seemingly sampled every bite of food in the place, they came to a stop next to the ride, which was bellowing away in the center of the village. Justin looked up at the old-fashioned, red-and-gold carousel with carved animals on poles that danced up and down as it turned, the lights and sparkles glaringly bright, and felt like a kid again. He wasn't sure what he loved most about the old thing. It was the combination of the chintzy organ music blaring the way, the glittering surfaces and mirrors reflecting every tiny light and making everything around it shine bright, or the way the traditional colorful horses were dressed up to look like reindeer pulling sleighs or simply bobbing along by themselves. He watched the smiling faces of the children and adults riding around, laughing and waving to one another and to their families waiting to see them gallop past. When Roman's shoulder brushed against his, Justin felt a pang of sorrow that they had wasted so much time being apart, too many Christmases when they had missed out on the chance to ride the carousel together like they had done the first winter they were together.
"You okay?" Roman asked. "You'll get your turn soon enough." He bumped his shoulder against Justin's again, but the gesture didn't lighten the mood as he had clearly been hoping.
It only took a moment for Justin to make his decision.
"You want to get out of here?" he said quietly, tearing his eyes from the carousel to look up at Roman's face illuminated by the colorful lights.
Roman looked as if he didn't quite get what Justin was saying for a second, but then seeing the expression on Justin's face, he swallowed hard, and licked his lips. "Are you sure?"
"Aren't you?"
"I never stopped being sure," Roman said, taking a small step towards him.
"Well, then." Justin tried to keep his composure but was unable to stop himself from reaching out to touch the front of Roman's coat. "Let me see if I can make your Christmas."
9
"Jesus Christ. How far away did you park your car?" Justin normally wasn't opposed to walking but it had taken a while to extricate themselves from the crowds of the village, as they repeatedly bumped into people who wanted to say hi and catch up. Roman had done his best to get them out of there as soon as possible, leading Justin by the hand, his fingers pressing tight through the gloves they were both wearing.
Roman shook his head and kept on dragging Justin, forcing him to jog to keep up. "If you keep bitching about it, I might have to do you up against a lamppost," he mumbled. As far as threats went, Justin had heard worse.
"Just as long as you're prepared to break the speed limit once we find your stupid car—"
Before Justin could even finish the sentence, Roman had sidestepped into the doorway of a bookshop and was smashing him up against the wall. An "oof" punched out of Justin before Roman's lips pressed firmly against his and started to devour him. They only kissed for a second, but the jolt of arousal that it sent through him left Justin giddy and lightheaded.
"Do you think I won't blow you right here and now? Christ, Justin. I will if you want me to." The way Roman's eyes roamed over his face, hungry and a little desperate, Justin whined and grabbed him with both hands, cupping his jaw and pulling him in. He tasted like gingerbread and hot cider and everything he'd been missing for five years.
"No, I don't want you to fucking blow me in a doorway. I want you to take me home and fuck me like you mean it." A moment of insecurity flashed over him and he couldn't help but add, "You do mean it, right? This isn't just some…some prank or one-time thing—"
"No, it isn't," Roman said. "You're it for me, you idiot."
"I better be," Justin replied, smiling. "I'm not giving up on us so easy this time."
"Nothing about being with you has ever been easy."
Justin leaned in, his lips almost touching Roman's as he whispered, "Well, if we can get to your fucking car, I can show you just how easy I can be."
Roman appeared torn between rolling his eyes and growling in frustration. In the end, he did both as he took Justin by the hand again and dragged him along, ignoring the way Justin was laughing, and made a beeline for the parking lot.
After all of Justin's complaining, they buckled in and made the drive back to Justin's room in next to no time. The streets were pretty quiet given the time of night and all the last-minute Christmas shopping that must've been going on. Normally Justin loved driving through town, seeing all the Christmas decorations and lights and imagining how excited all the kids would be on Christmas morning. Despite his urging, Roman stuck to the speed limit and somehow still managed to get them home before one of them came in their pants.
It was tempting to reach across the gearshift and slide his hand up Roman's thigh as he was driving. Even withRoman's coat obscuring most of the view, it was clear from the bulge in his jeans he was as hard as Justin was. Justin spent the short drive contemplating what it would be like to lean over and unzip Roman's jeans, maybe go all the way and take Roman's cock in his mouth while they were driving. It was a nice thought but it was only ever going to stay that way. With a cop for a father, he knew better than to risk getting into a crash, or worse, getting pulled over and having to explain himself.
And apart from all that, he'd waited a long time for this moment. He didn't want to get off in a public place or the car, as much as those two ideas appealed to him. He wanted to take his time, not to rush. He wanted Roman in his bed and inside him. Given that he'd fantasized about being with him again for so long, he told himself a few more minutes wouldn't hurt. Admittedly, he said it through gritted teeth, his white knuckles gripping the vinyl of the seat, but they managed to get back to the house without him breaking and simply crawling into Roman's lap.
When Roman pulled up, Justin immediately reached for the door handle. Except, when Roman didn't move—simply turning off the ignition, pulling out the keys, and cradling them in
his lap with his head bent—Justin sat back. There wasn't dread exactly, but he knew something wasn't right and waited until Roman was ready to tell him what it was.
"Did you mean what you said before?" Roman asked quietly.
"Which bit? I tend to talk a lot."
It was gratifying that Roman chuckled even if it only was a little. "What you said about not giving up on me?" Roman looked up at him, his expression so vulnerable, Justin felt guilty about the hell he had put them both through. "If we do this, are you really going to be able to trust me? It's not as if I'm going to have a nine-to-five job. I'm going to be on the road a lot. You're going to be in school or working god knows where."
Justin sighed heavily and nodded. "I know. I have thought about it."
"And did you come up with a solution?"
"Only that I love you." Justin's voice broke a little, realizing too late it was the first time he had said those words aloud. He'd talked around them, said stupid stuff that meant the same thing, but it was the first time Justin had had the courage to truly say the words and not be afraid. Because he finally knew it was true and even if Roman didn't love him back, he wasn't afraid to feel that way anymore.
"Will that be enough?" The words might not have been encouraging, but Roman said them with such hope in his voice, Justin couldn't help but smile.
"Probably not. But it's a good start. I'm willing to work at this if you are." He huffed out something like a laugh, and whispered, "Please god tell me you're willing to work at this."
When Roman didn't speak, only reached across and took Justin's hand, the tension he had been holding melted away. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes." Roman sounded utterly sincere, only ruining the moment slightly when he added, "Except right now, all I'm willing to do is take you to bed and stick my dick in you."
Justin chuckled. "Sounds fair. Orgasms first. Life-changing decisions later."
"Orgasms, plural?" Roman beamed as he unbuckled his seatbelt. "I like the sound of that."