by Mia Wolf
I don’t know where my conviction comes from, but I don’t believe for a second that Joshua would want to hurt me. Or maybe I just don’t want to believe it?
If he did want to hurt you, he would make sure you don’t suspect him, a quiet voice goes in my head, but I silence it. What other option do I really have? I don’t want to become a burden to Kristen. I know she would never say that I’m a bother, which is all the more reason not to take advantage of her niceness. I just can’t bring myself to become that person. And going to New York would mean cutting all ties with this town. I’m not ready for that just yet either. Spending some time at Joshua’s until I find a solution seems like the best option right now.
Unlike Kristen, I’m trying to look at this as a start of something new. I trust Joshua. I think it’s time I listen to my gut and take that leap of faith. No time would be the right time. I’ve spent long enough chasing away the things I always wanted and settling for safety. Ironically, my life hasn’t even been all that safe. I don’t want to think of this move as a mistake. It’s a possibility of something amazing happening to me. I should take this chance to take my life in a direction I like.
Chapter 10 – Joshua
I pull up in front of an apartment building. Jessica sent me the address earlier that morning. I quite enjoyed some time by myself on my car ride to her place. It’s a good two-hour drive away. It’s far, but the way Jessica talked about this place, she would have no trouble running back here if it came to that. I, myself, am not looking forward to that happening.
I’m surprised by my own sincerity. All I want to do is help out. It’s that simple.
I call Jessica on the phone to tell her I’ve arrived. She cuts my call. I see a woman walk out of the apartment building. I had seen her pictures on the dating app, but I can’t help but take in the spectacle in front of me. I involuntarily eye her from top to bottom. She is dressed in a deep neck t-shirt and jeans. Our eyes meet, and she smiles at me. I smile, too. I feel like an eighth grader getting caught red-handed stealing glances at a girl.
I get out of the car. Jessica walks up to me, and we hug. My hand rests on her waist just a little too long, and hers stay around my neck. By the time we pull away from the moment, it’s too late. My heart is already hammering. I can immediately feel the pressure in my pants. I swallow hard, trying to ignore it, her scent still sitting at the back of my throat.
“We should get your stuff,” I say trying to dissipate the nervous energy. She tucks some loose hair behind her ear and leads me towards the apartment entrance. I grab the suitcase and a bag that are lying there and put them in the back seat.
“Kristen’s at work?” I ask. Jessica nods. Her face suddenly loses all enthusiasm. I ask her if she’s okay. She nods again.
From the way Jessica talked about Kristen, she’s probably the closest thing to family that she has. Can’t say about enough, but it’s not nothing.
“Just give me a second,” she says, and she sits down at the footsteps of the apartment building. I stand against the driver side door with my arms crossed. I have sunglasses on so Jessica can’t tell I’m looking at her from the corner of my eye while my head is turned away. She looks devastated. It seems like a natural reaction to a move this big, even if it’s only for a few weeks. Or longer, a voice in my head says. Where is that coming from?
“It must be tough walking away from everything you know,” I can’t help but say.
Jessica nods slowly. She places a hand over her mouth as if about to cry. All of my instincts tell me to reach for her, to wrap her into my arms, but I stop myself. She’s strong, she can handle this. My muscles still tighten visibly.
Jessica gets up and with quick steps follows me to the car. I get into the driver’s seat, and we drive away and out of the city. We don’t make any conversation on the car ride home. I let music drown the silence and judging from Jessica’s expression, she appreciates it.
Two hours later, I pull into the village parking lot and take Jessica’s luggage with me. I’d forgotten to warn her about the caves. I can see the shock written all over her face as she exits the car with her jaw dropped open.
“Welcome to the bear village,” I say then laugh as if it’s some joke. Jessica eyes me with suspicion. More silence follows as we walk through the rotunda with the winter festival decoration still hanging around it. We walk up the path, and Jessica carefully observes the homes around her. Some have clean front porches and walls while the rest of them are covered under caves. I see the village in a new light only now realizing how foreign it might appear to an outsider.
“They are regular homes on the inside,” I say in a manner of explanation. I don’t sound very convincing.
“Quite strange,” is all Jessica manages. I press my lips. Not a single thought in my head is going to be helpful in this situation, so I decide to shut up and wait for us to reach my house.
I get a heart attack every time Jessica stops and narrows her eyes at something. My guilty conscience is as active as ever. After stopping at about ten different instances, we finally make it to my apartment.
I see all of Jessica’s frown lines ease the moment she steps into my apartment. It makes me laugh.
“Told you, they’re regular houses on the inside.”
Jessica looks around. First the kitchen, then the tiny hall and finally the bedroom. It feels weird having someone in my home, scanning its every nook and cranny. It’s been a while since I’ve had anyone in my bedroom. I leave the luggage in the hall and walk over to where Jessica is standing. She is monitoring the bedroom with her arms crossed over her chest.
“I know it’s tiny, but I like it,” I say satisfactorily. “I’ve made most of it with my own hands.” The memory of working on the house with Mia hits me like a speeding bus. “Well, I had some help,” I say weakly.
“It’s adorable.” Jessica notices the tension in my voice. “I just have one question,” she says. It makes me snap out of my head.
“Hm?” I’m a little shaken.
“Where will I sleep?”
I feel so stupid. Calling a grown woman to my one bedroom apartment without thinking about that. Now she must be thinking I have some crazy sexual thoughts about us. Well, the reason for those thoughts is very different from the reason why she is here. I don’t want to come off as a creep, of course.
“I’ll crash on the couch tonight. I can borrow a mattress from Rose after that, so I’ll sleep in the living room,” I say matter-of-factly hoping it will end the discussion. To my delight, it does.
We leave the conversations at that. Jessica looks a bit out of it herself. I don’t poke it any further and leave her to her own devices. It’s going to take a little getting used to for both of us, anyway.
For the evening, we eat dinner mostly in silence and call it a day. We’re both tired. Jessica from the travel, and I, from being constantly on the lookout for my secret to be revealed. I have, of course, informed the people who most frequently visit me to not shift in front of Jessica, but the thought that it could happen still makes me nervous. It was awkward to explain to the other bears that a human is here, living with me. Not as awkward as telling a human that we can turn into bears, though. Jessica would never believe me. Or, worse, she’d think I’m a psycho. It’s obvious that I can’t tell her.
Rose helped me spread the word a little around the neighborhood, that people won’t shift in front of Jessica. Rose was very supportive which kind of surprised me. She and Rigsby, who is my childhood friend and lives pretty close to my place, are two of the few people from the town who are likely to visit me. Rigsby’s wife is a human, too, so I knew he would understand without making a big deal out of it.
I hope these precautions are enough to maintain the bear secret. It’s a good thing that the bears usually don’t shift in the village. We do it mostly in the woods out back. The village is not exactly convenient for shifting. Not anymore at least. It used to have a lot of open space, but a lot of houses have been built in t
he past decades, so there are not many open spaces anymore.
The next day, I have some alpha duties to care of. I leave the house to Jessica and put Rose on surveillance duty which I sense makes her both sickeningly delighted and bitter at the same time. Above all, I know she values our friendship. That is exactly why I entrust her with the task.
All day I feel perturbed, anxious that Jessica might somehow find out about the fact that she’s in a village full of bear shifters. When I come back home to find her peacefully seated at my desk which she has now turned into her desk, I finally breathe a sigh of relief. Rose is seated on my bed beside Jessica, listening to her intently.
“What’s up, ladies?” I ask. Even though I had asked Rose to take care of Jessica, I didn’t really expect them to be together.
“Nothing,” they both say at the same time. I suspiciously angle my head towards the two of them, but they pay me no mind. I had expected them to behave maturely enough to not dismiss each other impudently, but this seamless union is a little hard to swallow. Way to feel like a third wheel in my own house. Neither of the women pays me any attention until they achieve whatever task they were laboring away at.
Rose takes her leave soon after which leaves just the two of us. Alone in the house. Jessica is still sitting in front of her laptop. She’s dressed in pink pajama pants and a mint colored t-shirt. Her hair is tied in a ponytail.
“Dinner?” I ask. “I feel like pasta. What do you think?”
Jessica stops typing and looks back. “Pasta sounds good.”
She smiles at me warmly. She only leaves her laptop once I tell her that dinner is ready. We sit across from each other and exchange details about our day while we eat.
“Rose is nice,” Jessica says.
“Yeah,” I say not very emphatically, “she is.”
After that, we eat dinner in silence, not having much to say to each other. The realization of how awkward this situation is becomes more and more palpable by the minute. We’re near strangers living in such close proximity of each other.
I hear a rustle from outside and a snap of a branch under someone’s foot. I jump out of my seat. Jessica is staring at me like I’ve gone crazy. Did she not hear that?
“What’s wrong?” Jessica asks reaching for my hand.
My thoughts are going into overdrive. I sigh and slump back into the chair. I look at Jessica’s face. There are creases on her forehead, and she looks genuinely worried.
Should I tell her? I should just tell her and get it over with. I would be stupid to think she would take the news that she’s in a village full of bear shifters very well. I need to stop being so jumpy. Did I do the right thing? Bringing her here without telling her the truth?
“I’m done,” I say standing up, freeing my hand from Jessica’s loose grip. “Let me know if you need anything. I think I’ll call it a day.”
I don’t meet her eyes as I leave. She picks up the dishes and puts them in the sink. After taking care of something on her laptop, she goes to bed, too. I can see her form carefully bundled inside the blanket. I’m still awake, unable to fall asleep. In the dull light of the night lamp, she looks like a treasure nestled in the soft fabric. I want to tell myself we’ll be fine, we’ll be okay. But I struggle to calm down.
I wake up gasping. There is sweat on my brow. I don’t realize where I am until I look around to find darkness and pale moonlight. I’m shaken from a nightmare. Jessica had found out. About me. About us. The bear shifters. All of it. There is a debilitating pulsing ache in my temples. I press them still feeling out of breath. Suddenly, I pass a glance in Jessica’s direction, remembering that I am not alone in the house. I can see the mess of her blonde hair peeking through the blanket. She is lying there, unflinching. The throbbing in my chest eases a little. She’s a heavy sleeper, I realize. I feel grateful and terrified at the same time.
Her tear-stained face conjures up in my head once again. Disgust painted all over it. She is standing in front of me while I’m shifted. My 900-pound frame towering over her slender body. Then something happens I had not yet considered. I leap towards Jessica in my bear form. Fangs, claws, and bloodlust on my head. My claw is about to entrap her. Then I wake up again.
I can still taste the primal hunger at the back of my throat. It’s been a while since I have felt it. Years. The last time I remember it happening was when I had found out about Mia. Until I found out that her accident didn’t involve any other vehicles but hers, I had a blood frenzy on my head. Rigsby and the others had to lock me up for days before I calmed down. Calmed down enough to slip into a never-ending pit misery of my own making, that is. If that could be considered calming down.
Why are all of my instinct acting up? I wonder feeling exhausted in the wake of the terrible nightmare. My educated guess is the lying, of course. I was never okay with hiding the truth even as a kid. Never did I think I would end up facing its consequences in adulthood.
I walk up to the bed where Jessica is fast asleep unaware of the world I have now dragged her into. Even though I still think it was the right decision, I feel the pang of unease. The gnawing in the pit of my stomach. A careless glimpse at her unsuspecting face brings the nightmare back to life. There will be no hiding the truth from her if I can’t control myself around her. I’m flustered at my own feelings. This might have been an undertaking a bit above my capabilities. Is it too much too soon?
Jessica shifts in bed and lets out a slight snore. Or is she speaking? I lean in a little closer. I realize she’s not. Low snores emanate from under her blanket. All of my frustration evaporates, and I stifle a laugh. I cover my mouth as she snores through the blanket covering her mouth. I can feel my muscles relaxing, my blood calming down. The feverish intensity is slowly ebbing. Another snore and I forget all that is wrong with the world. Very cautiously, I remove the blanket that covers her mouth. The snoring stops instantly. She doesn’t wake up but shifts in bed again, turning her back to me. She’s like a little kid safely enveloped in the sheets. I turn the night light at her bedside off and go back to sleep.
After the hysteria of the nightmare, I can feel the soreness in my back from sleeping on the couch two nights in a row. I forgot to ask Rose for a mattress, but I should remind myself to do that tomorrow. I slump onto the couch and let the thoughts of being with Mia once again take over as I have done every night since the day she left. It’s an odd kind of warmth that helps me fall asleep.
Hiding the misery of losing Mia from the clan came naturally. Other than her, there really was no one who heard me, who cared. That absence still sits in my heart. Right at its beating center. In a crazy way, I don’t think I have been the same ever since. Before Mia died, I wouldn’t have helped a soul. Not because I wasn’t a half decent person. But because somehow I didn’t feel compelled to. Now that I know the pain of losing someone, it’s not something I want anyone else to go through. It’s a foolish pursuit, I’m well aware. But I have never been any smarter. It’s my own kind of rebellion. Mia would’ve told me to worry about myself first. I would listen to her if she did.
“If you were only here to tell me to worry about myself, babe. I would,” I say and snort. Nothing against my love, but things have changed. I’m the one still here, dealing. Healing. At the very least, I should get to do it my way.
Chapter 11 – Jessica
I wake up to find Joshua still sleeping on the couch. It’s weekend finally, and I wonder if he’ll stay at home today. I could use his company. Oddly enough, moving in with him has put some undesirable distance between us. Before I came here, I was quite excited about being able to sit across from him and talk for hours on end. Like we did the entire last week. It’s kind of lonely to be in his house without him around. With all his stuff here and him gone. I find myself staring at him with longing eyes as he sleeps, motionless. Deathly calm. Is it too much to ask for my friend back? A dejected sigh escapes my mouth. He has already done enough. I shouldn’t be this awfully needy, I tell myself.
&nb
sp; I look at Joshua’s sleeping face. He has creases on his forehead. What’s worrying him while he’s sleeping? He almost looks pained. His hair is disheveled, and it makes him look more like a puppy or a schoolboy. His bad boy persona transformed into something innocuous. I can’t look away from his sharp jaw. There is stubble on his face, it makes me giggle. He looks so utterly vulnerable lying on the couch like that. I force myself to get away from him and take a shower instead. I could watch him sleep for hours. It sounds creepy to even think about. I don’t want to scare the poor boy.
I make my way to the bathroom all the while hoping I get to spend some time with him today.
Joshua is sitting on the couch, still covered in sheets when I return. His eyes dart towards me as soon as I step into the hallway. I look back to him. One moment, his brown eyes are kind and calm. Then something changes. All of his boyish charms are gone, replaced by a rough, almost lethal, exterior. I find his piercing gaze perusing my body. They stop right above my chest for a second, and I feel my own breathing rise. I stay silent as Joshua looks up into my eyes without trying to hide the fact that just a moment ago he was staring at my cleavage. I involuntarily bite my lip. What does he want? I’m unspooling at the scrutiny of his invasive gaze.
Then some semblance of sense dawns on Joshua and his expression shifts. He immediately looks away and out of the window.
“Good morning,” he stammers, “I—” He doesn’t finish.
I’m still waiting for my knees to unbuckle. “Morning,” I say. It comes out like a whisper. That’s the best I can manage in my state. We both take a moment to calm down from whatever just passed between us. When the thought that Joshua might go out for work again hits me, I finally snap out of my reverie.
“Will you be at home today?” I ask. It’s more of a plea, but I wonder if Joshua hears it.