by Mia Wolf
Lately, though, I’ve come to enjoy it again. I attribute it to Jessica, to her being around me. I want to tell her that so badly, but I can’t. Which is exactly why Raymond showing up at my doorstep both annoys and terrifies me.
“And that’s Julia, his wife,” I introduce Julia as she emerges from behind Raymond.
Julia walks up to Jessica and holds both of her hands in her own.
“Welcome to the neighborhood,” she says with genuine warmth. I cannot understand for the life of me, what an angel like Julia sees in Raymond. I tolerate him for her sake most of the times.
“Yes, Jessica,” Raymond says. I grit my teeth hearing Jessica’s name coming from his foul mouth. He manages to make me want to break his nose quite frequently. “Welcome to the neighborhood,” he adds.
“She’s only here for some time.” I look Raymond in the eyes.
“Why, you must stay,” Julia insists still holding Jessica’s hands.
“Why don’t you guys join us for lunch?” Jessica says. I stare at her, that’s not a good idea.
“Thanks love, but we were on our way to attend to some business. But I’ll take you up on that offer some other time,” Julia replies. She squeezes my hand understandingly then walks back to where Raymond is.
“We’ll catch up with you later,” Julia says, entwining her hands with her husband’s who is still sizing Jessica up. I don’t feel surprised at all. He can be pretty shameless.
Raymond walks up to the two of us, leaving Julia hanging. He stares at me then at Jessica then back at me and takes in a deep breath. My blood boils when I realize what he’s doing.
“Julia, I think you should take him out of here,” I say. Before I snap his neck like a twig, I want to add. Julia pulls Raymond back against his will. I’m frozen in place, being unable to shift into a bear and clawing my way through Raymond’s gut. I relax my uneven breathing when I feel like I might be scaring Jessica.
What the hell was the point of that? is all that I’m left thinking after Raymond leaves. Was it a threat? I know Raymond must have smelled Jessica on me. I don’t care what he seemed to imply, but if he so much as touches her, I will not think twice before killing him. I can ask for Julia’s forgiveness afterward.
I take a look at Jessica. All sense of accomplishment has drained from her face. She seems displeased. By what, I don’t know. I calm my own nerves.
“You okay?” I ask.
She nods unwillingly and goes into the bedroom, leaving me alone.
Chapter 13 – Jessica
Is it anger? Or hurt? I don’t know, but tears don’t take long to follow. I have to leave the room because I don’t want Joshua to see me crying. I feel stupid for the outbreak, but I can’t make it stop. Everything was fine until Raymond and Julia stopped by. I try to understand if it’s something Joshua said. I don’t have to think for long.
She’s only here for some time. I can hear him say it. Of course, that’s what we had agreed on. But I’m beginning to think he doesn’t really want me here, that he wants me gone. Except for the hot sex we had, he hasn’t really given me any hints that he likes it that I’m here.
I don’t talk to Joshua for the rest of the day. It completely ruins our Sunday plans of hanging out together. I don’t want to, anymore. How can I miss someone so much whom I’ve only known for a week? Coming into my life like a lifesaver, then leaving as he sees fit. How cruel of him.
In my anger, I give Karen a call to propose the remote assistant idea to her. I try to keep my tone cheerful. Your girlfriends have a way of sniffing out your misery, though. They can smell it from a mile away. It makes things both much easier and much harder. Right now, for instance. I want to tell Karen all about my heartache, but there are more important things to do. I dial her number, and she greets me with her uncontainable energy. I struggle to keep up with her. I tell her all about what’s on my mind about the remote assistant idea. She listens with patience and care.
She takes her time to think when I add, “I can take care of all the responsibilities from home. You trust that I can do that, right?”
I am not even shooting for emotional blackmail here. Karen and I are damn near unstoppable together. I think after working for her for two years, I realized what the reason behind it was. It’s because we’re the same kind of people, Karen and I. We both value work ethic pretty highly. To the point that we go out of our way to make things exceptional. Or so we try. Sometimes, it works out, and sometimes it doesn’t. What matters is that we give it our best.
I think about my relationship with Derek and how different I had become. The feeling is so foreign and intrusive, I feel dirty just thinking about it. I really lost a part of myself in my relationship with Derek. After much thinking, and revisiting the past over and over again, I can see it clearly now.
No wonder Lauren fired me. I hardly recognize the woman that I had become. I would show up to the office late, I would drink on work nights, I would make excuses for all kinds of shortcomings. I look at myself in the mirror, and I can’t believe that’s who I’d become. Of course, the blame doesn’t lie with Derek. I had known the entire time that we were in a relationship that was detrimental to both of us. To our well-being. We were both equally culpable. He just had the guts to end it. My retrospection has led me to find some surprisingly good qualities in my ex-boyfriend. Not enough to want to get back together, though. I should give credit where credit is due.
“You know, Jessica. I can take your word for anything. You know I trust you that much,” Karen says. “This is no longer just about me, though. I would have to talk to my dedicated team and see if it’s a good fit.”
When I give her a weak affirmation, she tries to cheer me up.
“You do know I am still on your side, right? I am still rooting for you, babe. I will do everything in my power to make it happen. Cheer up. It’s a lovely suggestion, by the way. Shows initiative.” Karen giggles.
I immediately feel better.
“You know, I still owe you a good dinner. Just the two of us. Like old times,” I say.
“We killed, didn’t we?” Karen says, reminiscing.
“We did.”
We hang up after reliving some of our past escapades. I feel a little better afterward. Although, getting the job would make me feel fantastic. I wipe away the tears that are still drying on my cheeks. I am too attached to Joshua for my own good. If he doesn’t feel the same way about me, I’m going to get hurt again.
The next day, Joshua goes out to attend to some business, and I have my freelance work piled up at home.
My first client is an old lady from Norway who recently started a bakery. She needs someone who can take care of the administrative work from the website that her grandson set up for her. She is a sweet soul, and I feel inspired every time I talk to her. Alive and prospering at 80 is not incidental, I tell myself. I need to make it happen.
My other client is a therapist who has an online store for therapeutic essentials for better mental health. Hearing him talk about essential oils has convinced me to get some for myself. I like both of my clients even though the work is too much. The pay is decent enough to not complain. I busy myself with work instead of crying over Joshua’s words. Some part of me hopes he hadn’t meant them.
I have been avoiding talking to Joshua as much as possible since Raymond and Julia showed up. I have also been frantically looking for both online or offline work. Anything that can keep me afloat so I can afford a place to stay. I still have some savings so I can manage for a month or two. I notice I’m making mental calculations about leaving already. I decide to tell Joshua when he comes home today. He should know.
This is why I want to work for Karen. Getting that work would solve all of my problems. Then I can leave Joshua alone and not cause any more problems for him.
At dinner, I cut my responses short which makes Joshua snap.
“Jessica, what’s wrong?” he asks. There is a roughness in his words, as though it’s a command. Like t
hat first day we talked.
Internally, I am thinking that he never told me his true feelings. Isn’t he just taking advantage of the situation? I’m not doing so well in life right now, so I need someone. I’m only trusting him to be on my side. Is it really the best time to set a power dynamic in our relationship? I don’t respond, and I can tell his piercing gaze is still on me. I pretend like I don’t notice it.
I think about the uncontrollable chemistry between us. It takes over everything. I haven’t even thought about its implications yet. Did he have sex with me to make me feel better? I have no idea what’s on his mind, and I no longer feel comfortable him knowing about my feelings. I had thought we could be a team, but clearly, Joshua thinks differently. It stings to even think about. I can’t help but feel betrayed.
“Nothing’s wrong,” I finally decide to dismiss Joshua’s query when he doesn’t avert his eyes.
“You’ve been acting weird,” he says. I can hear the impatience in his voice. Like he is trying to hold back the rage. Seems unreasonable to me. He’s not the one who should be angry.
“That’s a little rude to say, don’t you think?” I retaliate. I don’t want to fight, but I can’t hold back. It’s been a while since someone has come so close that I want to be mad at them. Derek and I never had fights. We used to ignore each other until we forgot what we were mad about. No closure.
“Jessica,” Joshua says calmly now. His kind, brown eyes are staring into mine, and I want to rush towards that warmth, make my home in it, and never leave. His gorgeous face is scrunched into an expression of hurt and pain. I pull away from the thought of wanting to draw closer. Someone’s got to be on my side.
“I won’t be a problem for much longer,” I tell him, finishing the last of my sandwich and excusing myself before Joshua is done eating.
“What are you talking about?” he asks, clueless. It annoys me because I know he really has no idea.
“I’ll take Karen up on her offer to move to New York if I have to,” I say. “I’ll be out of your way soon.”
“Jessica,” he roars and grabs my hand, forcing me to look him in the eye. “You’re leaving?” he asks. His voice is so rough, almost like an animal’s. He is hurt, I can see it written all over his face.
“You won’t have to make excuses to your neighbors, anymore,” I say. His hand is too tight around mine. I wince as it claws into my skin a little. Joshua realizes it and instantly eases his grip on me.
“What are you talking about? Is this about Raymond and Julia? Did they say something to you? Did anything happen while I was away?” The barrage of questions out of his mouth makes me want to stop hurting him further. I can see he is worried. Why can’t that be enough?
I want to tell myself, ‘see, he cares.’ I want it so badly to be true. He probably does, too. Why else would he have called me here? Because he pities you? says a menacing voice in the back of my head. I cannot completely dismiss the thought.
“Nothing happened. This isn’t about Raymond and Julia. They didn’t say anything to me. It’s about what you said to them. You told them I was not going to stay here for long. I know that that’s what we agreed on. But it just confirmed to me that you don’t really want me here. That it’s a bother. I shouldn’t have come.” I yank my hand out of his grip and put the dishes in the sink.
“Jessica,” Joshua says with a tremble in his voice. “Look at me.”
I am about to storm out of the living room, but his command makes me stop in my tracks. I obey. He is standing tall now.
“Raymond and I aren’t exactly friends. He was here to threaten me with you. I was trying to keep him away. To keep you safe.” His words trail off at the end.
It makes no sense. Why would Raymond threaten Joshua with me? What does that even mean?
“Why would he threaten you?” I ask, all of my earlier apprehensions dissolving in the air.
“Jessica,” he says again, this time like a defeated puppy. “Don’t say that you’re leaving. I don’t want you to go.” He is shaken.
I feel bad for overreacting. Joshua’s face is pale white. All blood drained from it. I instinctively go up to him and wrap my hands around his neck. I feel his hands curling around me, pulling me to himself. So tightly, there is no space left between us. I hear his want loud and clear in his firm grip on me.
I don’t say anything for a while and caress his hair until he calms down. He seems to like that. He doesn’t loosen his grip on me at all. As if he’s afraid I might run away. Our bodies are pressed against each other, but instead of that raw energy that overtook us in heat earlier, there is only a desperate need to hang onto something. I’m well aware of that feeling. I don’t let Joshua go. I also feel sorry for doubting his intentions. Then I think about my own trust in him. He gave me a home. He has not left my side since the day we started talking to each other. What have I done in return? Question his motives?
I ask myself the question I’ve been trying to avoid since I moved in with Joshua. Why are my bags still packed and eating dust at Kristen’s place? I feel sorry about my own hypocrisy.
“I’m sorry, Joshua. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I say. He pulls me even closer.
“You’re not leaving,” he says with his face buried in my neck.
“I’m not leaving,” I assure him. I selfishly feel good to be needed. “Find love and live happily,” I whisper into Joshua's ears.
He doesn’t ask what that means. “Hmm,” is all he says.
Chapter 14 – Joshua
The problem with loving someone is the fear of losing them. And sometimes, that fear can become so deep-rooted that you can no longer live freely. Until you get dragged down by something that was once beautiful. It’s haunting. A real tragedy, yet we all fall prey to it after we taste the bitterness of loss.
All I can think of as I lie awake on the couch is Jessica wanting to leave. After Mia, I made it a point never to love anything, anyone, again. Letting people come close to me was a mistake I learned not to repeat.
I know how futile it sounds. I don’t mean to be the tortured soul who doesn’t know how to live, follow the light, or any other metaphor people use for loss. I’m not hanging on to the past, I’m just trying to keep it alive in some way.
“You can’t let yourself be dragged down by the past, Joshua,” Eli had tried to explain to me when I told him why I wouldn’t take another mate. It concerned him. That I would never be happy again after losing Mia. He wasn’t entirely wrong.
Eli made me admit to myself that I am, in fact, being dragged down by the past. I understand I’m still stuck in those fragments, still cutting myself on the same old memories. I know it. I look in Jessica’s direction. The rhythmic rise and fall of her blanket lull me. The reason why I stopped myself all this time is right in front of my eyes. Stopping myself from feeling something I’d want to feel for the rest of my life. When it is taken away from you, there is no bargaining with it. There is only acceptance.
I know what it’s like to love and to lose that love. I’ve gone and done it again. I can already feel myself shrinking. Love has its way of emasculating you.
“This is why I need you around, Mia. I keep doing stupid things when you’re not around,” I whisper to myself, so Jessica can’t hear it.
I put my thoughts away and try to fall asleep, accepting the fact that life will be more of the same going forward. I wince from the pain in my back. I still haven’t asked Rose for that mattress.
“Mia,” I scream and wake up. I’m panting and out of breath. My vision is blurry because I’m still half asleep. The pounding in my chest is unmissable. This time Jessica wakes up, too. She pulls her blanket away and rushes into the living room when she sees me quivering. She stands next to me and observes me for a second. I try to blink away the nightmare from my mind. I take Jessica’s hand in mine as she rubs my back to calm me down.
“Are you okay?” she finally asks when she thinks I’m doing a little better. My mouth is so dry, I struggle to
speak.
I don’t answer Jessica’s question. I’m not okay, but it doesn’t matter. I cling to her hand feeling grateful she is here. Jessica sits by my side with my hand in hers until I speak.
“Just a bad dream,” I say to her, apologetically. She stares into my eyes. Hers are restless and worried, blinking in my direction. I want to tell her I’m okay, but that would be a lie.
“You’re shivering, Joshua,” Jessica says and hugs me when my quavering hands refuse to show signs of relaxing. She rubs my back more. “You should sleep in the bed tonight. I can sleep on the couch.”
It feels like warm sunlight on your skin in a brutal winter. When you can feel the wind cutting through your flesh, and the only respite comes from the finest veil of sunlight. If my throat wasn’t as dry as it feels, I would tell her as much.
Instead, I make a request. “Can we sleep together?” I ask her. I’m still disoriented, and having her near me feels good. That’s all I know. She doesn’t refuse.
We go to bed together. It’s warmer and more comfortable than the couch. But it’s not the comfort that brings me solace, it’s finally having someone again.
Jessica clutches my head to her chest and helps me fall asleep.
The next day, I wake up late, my head practically buried in Jessica’s boobs. I look up to see her face. She is still asleep. I free myself from her grip because if I ended up staying any longer, I’d have a different problem that I can already feel developing in my pants.