by Mia Wolf
“What am I supposed to do with these?” I ask, holding out the clothes she just threw at me.
“I’ve run out of suitcase space. Can you put them in yours since you don’t have that much stuff?” It starts out with a few clothes and by the time we’re done packing, my luggage bag is half filled with Ashley’s stuff. Not that I’m complaining. I don’t need that much space. But seriously, why does she need all this stuff?
“Rose and Andrew will join us tomorrow evening,” I say. “I think it will be a good idea to spend a couple of days with family after all of the horrifying stuff that happened.” I walk up to Ashley and massage her shoulders from behind. “You can use some rest.”
“I’m leaving so much unfinished business behind that I’m sure I’ll get anxiety on the plane. But I suppose I’ve got to start somewhere otherwise I’ll never leave this city and die alone by strangling myself with a tape measure,” Ashley says nonchalantly.
“I’m going to keep all the tape measures away from you.”
Chapter 40 – Ashley
Leaving work undone feels frightening, especially now that I’ve fired Violet and no longer have an assistant that I can trust. I keep wanting to look at my phone in case a crisis is going on at the office. But Warren’s right. I need to let it be, if only to avoid any calls by the media sharks that have probably heard of the kidnapping by now.
“You’re very good at taking care of everything else but you,” Warren tells me as we sit on the plane and look out of the window.
“I might have a slight tendency to over-work,” I admit. “Just a little bit.”
Once we set foot in the village, I feel a sense of calm coming over me. We go up to Warren’s house and that feeling that I had before settles into my stomach again.
“It’s like a vacation,” I say to Warren.
“It is a vacation,” he tells me.
“It sure feels like it,” I admit.
That night, I sleep long and deeply, feeling as rested as I haven’t in a long time when I wake up. I spent all day doing nothing in particular. I drink tea, read in a book that I’ve wanted to read for so long, and just quietly sit on the porch with Warren and stare at the beautiful architecture.
In the evening, Andrew and Rose fly in from New York and I’m looking forward to having dinner with them. Warren has also invited the clan’s alpha and his wife, along with their one-year-old son.
Rose and Andrew arrive just in time to help out with the food. We go a little overboard and end up with three different types of salad, two casseroles, sautéed veggies, some red meat, and hummus on the side. Of course, no dinner is complete without wine in the Maibach household so Warren opens up a new bottle.
Andrew and Warren set the dinner table for seven and Rose and I prepare the rest of the food. Joshua and Jessica come over, carrying lasagna and a baby.
“Josh, Jess, this is Ashley,” Rose says while taking the baby from Jessica. “She’s my boss.”
I nudge Rose with my elbow. I told her not to call me her boss when we’re outside the office, and she chuckles. I hug the couple and we make small talk about how life is around the village.
“And who’s this little guy?” I say while taking the baby’s tiny fingers in my hands. He grabs onto my hand with a solid grip and laughs when I stick my tongue out at him.
Jessica laughs and tucks the baby into a high chair at the dinner table. She’s busy feeding him milk while the rest of us prepare the dinner table.
When we’re done, the table looks like it’s a feast for the entire village. The marble top is overflowing with dishes and there’s barely enough space left to set the plates.
We sit around and wait for Jessica to put the baby to sleep in his pram before we dig in.
“I heard you got a new job, Warren,” Joshua says gulping down some salad.
“I did,” Warren admits shyly, and I nudge him to talk about it more. But he shrugs his shoulders as if there’s nothing to talk about.
“Warren loves to downplay his life, he always has,” I say. “They want him to solve a massive problem they’re having with the production of one of their products and they’re asking him to fix it from the ground up, from the design and forward,” I explain. Understanding nods go around the table and everyone has questions which Warren patiently answers.
“What do they expect you to do?” Andrew asks. “I mean assembly line wise speaking, what are they hoping you can change?”
As I hear Warren talk about his work and walk everyone through the kinds of things he does all day, he reminds me of myself, of the magic there is in lifting that pen and willing something to exist. That’s exactly what Warren does; he takes an idea that’s inside of his head and he brings it to life.
“So the engineering would lead to less moving parts and hence to lowered production costs,” Warren finishes. “But I don’t think that’s the real problem they’re trying to solve. They’re essentially trying to reinvent themselves and that’s what fascinated me in the first place.”
It reminds me of the day I first met Warren. That laser-sharp gaze, so focused on what he’s seeing; that day, I was the target of that. How could I not have fallen? Ever since that day, I have only been falling deeper and deeper in love with him.
“What about you, Ashley?” Jessica asks.
I look at her, feeling blessed to get to know her. I knew Andrew and Rose already, but to find such incredible, supportive people around me, I feel like it would be a shame to lead my life all by myself. Jessica’s eyes are a curious brown and she has the gaze of a bird, perky and alive. I can’t help but feel protective of her.
“What about me?” I ask, sipping wine and savoring it.
“Yeah, Ashley doesn’t like to downplay herself at all,” Warren jumps into the conversation. “She’s also not the queen of the fashion world.”
We exchange looks with each other, and I mouth “low blow” at him. He has a mischievous smirk on his face and he looks like a kid who came up with a prank just now.
“To be honest, my glory days are behind me. Not because the work isn’t going well or anything but because I’m tired,” I say honestly and I surprise myself with my answer. It’s the first time I’ve admitted it to myself. “I’d like to rest now, get tanned on beaches, read a book, and fret over my olive garden.”
“To slowing down!” says Andrew and we all raise our glasses and clink them.
Everyone eats their food in silence for a while until I’m overcome with curiosity and I ask Jessica and Joshua about their baby. “So, what’s it like? Raising a child?”
Next to me, Warren coughs and I put a gentle hand on his back and rub it. “Are you okay?” I ask but he has an incredulous look on his face. He nods and quietly goes back to eating his food.
“It’s life-changing,” Jessica replies and Joshua puts an arm around her chair. “I never understood what overcomes all these mothers after having babies. It looks so crazy from the outside and I suppose it is a little crazy—you’re entirely responsible for another human, and you better be invested in it. But it’s so surreal. Just the simple moments we share—like I’m sitting next to him and he looks at me and smiles. Nothing in the world can give you that feeling.” Jessica and Joshua exchange warm looks.
“That sounds terrifying,” Andrew blurts out.
“Positively,” says Rose, making the rest of us laugh. They both look like they’ve just heard a horror story.
“I mean, it’s great for some people,” Andrew clarifies his intention.
“Well, then what about you guys?” I ask Andrew and Rose before they can recover from the horror of raising children.
“What about us?” Andrew asks.
“How’s the fast-paced life in New York?”
“You’re the Ashley Wang,” he replies with a slight surprise in his tone. “You’re asking what it’s like to live the fast-paced life in New York? You’re the definition of the fast-paced life in New York.”
I feel a bit taken aback
because it’s almost like I haven’t taken a back seat and really looked at the life I’ve been living. It certainly is fast-paced, but I’ve enjoyed every second of it. It somehow feels like I’ve finally gotten to take a look at what the last decade has been like.
“What’s it like for you two,” I rephrase. “That’s what I meant.”
A hush falls over the table until Rose speaks. “Well, I enjoy it thoroughly. I think I’ve lived away from what truly drives me for long enough. When I’m at my desk with a pen in my hand, that’s all I see my life as. It’s not the lights and the speed and the affluence. The honest to god work that I get to do, that’s what I focus on and what I love,” Rose says.
“That sounds wonderful,” Andrew replies and he’s staring at Rose sideways with his head resting in his hand, his elbow on the table. He looks absolutely smitten.
“You look like you’re going to propose to her again, Andrew,” Joshua says.
“I would love to,” he replies. “Have I ever told you’re the one, honey?”
Everyone around the table laughs. We finish dinner and start bringing the dishes to the kitchen when the baby starts crying.
“Then there’s the non-glorious side of parenting,” Jessica says while taking the baby in her arms. “You essentially have no life of your own anymore. So instead having drinks with you guys, we’re going to go home to put this little fella to bed.”
We say goodbye to them, and the four of us put the remaining dishes in the dishwasher, clean the table, and put the colossal amount of leftovers in the fridge. Afterwards, Andrew and Rose excuse themselves and retreat to Rose’s room which leaves Warren and me alone.
It suddenly occurs to me that even though Warren and I have been sleeping with each other, I don’t really know who we are to each other. Are we in a relationship? I push the thought away because I’m afraid of breaking anything precarious. Things are perfect right now, and I can let it be that way.
There’s a lightness to my being, like I’ve finally arrived at the right spot. I can’t put my finger on it, but it makes me want to cherish what I have right now. I walk up to Warren and put my arms around his neck.
He smells like the forest, the way his house smells and it’s so oddly comforting that I want to nestle into him. He catches on and slides his hand around my waist pulling me closer. I lift one of my hands and hover it in front of his face, feeling the tingling in my hand from space between us.
“You’re so real I could almost touch you,” I whisper. He can’t see me so he takes his hand and pulls mine away to look at me like he hasn’t seen me before.
“I am real,” he replies and leans toward me for a kiss. I reach up and meet him.
Warren tugs at my lips with his, tasting them like wine or perhaps tasting wine on them. But he looks absolutely consumed. I can feel the soft touch of his mouth and the longing when he pulls away for a second only to lean back in.
We kiss for a long time, undisturbed in the night, right next to the dinner table while the air is still thick with the smell of the forest. I enjoy the push and pull of the sensations, so gentle and careful like a flower. There’s no raging hunger like I’m running out of air. Instead, there’s peace and calm, reminding me that I won’t have to keep chasing. All I need is here and it’s mine, as long as I dare to believe it.
Chapter 41 – Warren
It’s a quiet evening and Ashley and I are sitting on the couch sipping coffee. Andrew and Rose have left for New York again. Both of them want to spend as much time as they possibly can pushing the boundaries of their career. I always thought I was like that. That I was one of those who pushed themselves to the limit, re-defining human potential. But boy, was I wrong. It’s not because I can’t do it, but because it’s not who I am. That was another part of my shadow that took me years to shed.
I gulp the thought down with coffee. I feel more and more distance between the shadow and the new, real me. I am not a shadow in front of Ashley, she knows me for who I really am.
Next to me, Ashley clears her throat and I look at her. I can see that there’s something that she wants to say so I put my coffee down and give her my full attention.
“I want to see you in your bear form again,” she says. She’s wearing a black and white frock and looks like a school-girl, except that instead of pigtails, her hair is intricately braided around her head. I’m more overcome with her than I am with the request, honestly. How does she manage to look so beautiful all the time?
“Why would you want to do that?” I ask her. It seems like a reasonable question. I’m completely averse to the idea and I’ve already decided that there’s no way that I’m letting her see my bear form again for the rest of my life.
“I want to see. Why can’t I?” She seems to be a little mad at me, but I’m madder.
“Why would you even bring that up? No, I’m never letting you see my bear form again, Ashley, so we can stop wasting our time talking about it.” I’m talking at the top of my voice by the time I finish the sentence. Ashley looks terrified. Her eyes are wide and she’s staring at me as if she can’t move, frozen in place like a statue.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell,” I correct myself. “But I can’t do it, Ashley. It’s a part of me I’m not very proud of. We can just let it rest and you’ll never even notice that it’s there.” I try to convince her, bargain with her as if it’s not my life but some commodity I’m talking about. Like I’m tucking away my childhood toys out of reach so they won’t give me bad dreams anymore.
It’s not hurt that I see in Ashley’s face, no. It’s determination. She has the same look that takes over her when someone tells her there’s something she can’t do. I’m in trouble.
“What’s on your mind?” I ask her, hoping against hope that she’ll let it go.
“You’re doing the same thing that you did all those years ago,” she says. She narrows her eyes at me, her cat-eye makeup making her look even more intense. “You’re pushing me away, hiding yourself from me. Do you know how much it hurts? Do you think I wouldn’t take care of the parts of you that you desperately want to hide? How can I love you when you won’t even let me come close?”
Love. It might be weird but having said that word to each other hundreds of times before, hearing it after so many years has made its meaning come alive again. Or perhaps we have both turned into people who have a lot more love to give. I know I have. Back then, I was mostly trying to fill the hollowness in my chest.
But the word throws me off. What’s it about love? Am I robbing her of the chance to love me? That can’t be it.
“You’re saying you want to see my bear form so you can love me?” I ask, confused.
“I’m saying you should let me see the real you instead of hiding it like I’m going to hurt you if you let me in.” She grits her teeth with each word like the pain has been sitting inside of her for years. “Your assumption that I won’t like you for who you are is hurting the both of us.”
It doesn’t make total sense to me, but just enough that I no longer want to fight this. So I give in.
We go deep into the forest while the evening turns to night. It’s a long walk and Ashley’s out of breath by the time we reach a large open area that’s clear enough for me to turn. There’s not a lot of light, though, which I’m very thankful for. The less she sees the better.
“Don’t come close, just watch from far away,” I tell her clearly and Ashley nods furiously like an obedient student.
I take several steps away from her and once I’m sufficiently far away, I turn. The fur, canines, and claws come forward. I don’t know what to do with myself so I get down on all fours, looking up at the sky. The stars are much brighter so far out of the village. They’re a smattering of tiny diamonds. I can see them through the tall trees.
I’m not prepared when I feel a hand touch my fur. Ashley is standing beside me, touching my fur as if I’m a blanket then runs her hand up and down my body. With my heightened senses, I can smell th
e tears on her cheeks. Have I made her sad? She hugs me like a tree, and I don’t know what to do in response so I quietly let her sob. We spend a long time like that, and after a while, I even get comfortable with Ashley being around me in my bear form. I hadn’t realized how much calmer I’ve become in my bear form now that I’m older. In my teens, I used to be a raging wild animal. Not anymore.
I look at Ashley and suddenly a thought pops into my bear head. She’s my mate.
Chapter 42 - Ashley
We’re in bed, waking up to the first sunrays of the day. I look at Warren beside me and smile at him. I think of yesterday, of how he showed his bear to me. When I look into his eyes now, I can see the bear there; I can’t believe I never saw that before.
“Ashley, will you be my mate?” Warren asks completely out of the blue, and I have no idea what to answer.
“Your mate? What does that mean?”
Warren rubs his temples. “Of course. I forgot that you’re not used to our customs.”
“So what does it mean? What does a mate do? Is it like marriage or something?” The answer is already at the tip of my tongue even though I don’t know what the question is.
“Mating is like marriage for bear shifters. There’s a ceremony, you get food, and you vow to spend the rest of your life with each other,” Warren explains. “But compared to marriage, being someone’s mate is less about living together and more about a communion of two souls, two spirits, bound for life. Divorce is not a word bear shifters have in their dictionary. We’re talking about a bond that doesn’t break even in death. The legends tell us that you reunite with your mate in the afterlife. There are very few people who find a true mate after they’ve lost one already. Sometimes it happens. But it’s something out of your control; you may or may not find one at all. But there’s no doubt when you have because they become the center of your world.”
I’m far too captivated by the story to say anything. They become the center of your world. It’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard. Is that how Warren thinks about me? I turn towards him to ask him, only to find him sitting with his head buried in his hands.