by Mia Wolf
I want to tell Sarah that I’m not looking for a job right now. But then it strikes me that I don’t really know what I’m looking for in life. Perhaps what Sarah is offering could be part of my life in the future. Perhaps I would enjoy it.
“How about you give me your number?” I say and pull out my smartphone, which I’m slowly starting to find extremely useful.
Sarah and I talk for hours, and it’s evening by the time she takes us back to the village. I find the house to be empty. Where is Sebastian? I check all the rooms, but he’s not there. Try as I may, the gnawing feeling of anxiety still bubbles up in my chest. There’s absolutely no reason to feel like this, yet I’m suddenly afraid. I’m afraid for his life, afraid that I might never see his face again. Just like I never saw Kai again. He was with me one day, making promises for a good life outside of the village, and gone the next.
Tears pool in my eyes while I’m idly standing in the middle of the living room, staring blankly at the darkness outside of the window. I don’t know this house, it’s not mine. I don’t know this place, this village. How can I trust that we’ll be okay?
This must’ve been building up for a while because my tears don’t stop. Instead, they turn into sobs until I’m bawling and sniveling uncontrollably. And the whole time, there’s a single thought in my head, namely that Sebastian’s out there somewhere, potentially in danger and doing god knows what.
If only he were here, I could shut all these negative thoughts down, tell them they are false, but I can’t now. I need him here with me to be able to do that.
Then I remember that Sebastian may have sent me a message on my phone. I check it and find a text from him there, saying he’s heading out.
My anxiety suddenly morphs into anger. Why did he have to leave like that, get me all scared and worked up? Where is he, anyway?
I go back to my place and change into something rugged, grabbing my bow and arrow from the bedroom, and go into the woods. It’s dark outside, but I don’t care. I need something to keep myself occupied and deal with my burgeoning, irrational anger on my ‘boyfriend’, whatever that means.
Chapter 30 - Sebastian
After two months of sobriety, I find myself at the bar, drinking whiskey like there’s no tomorrow. And why? Because of a stupid, but really vivid dream that I had last night. I saw Maya at the Code Blue headquarters. Daniel had her and was inflicting pain on her like he used to inflict pain on me. Seeing that broke something inside of my head. It made me realize that if someone so much as lay a finger on Maya, I would not be able to take that very well.
So here I am, drowning myself in alcohol while Maya is probably sitting at home, guessing where her beloved boyfriend is. I’m drinking whiskey to try to run away from my past. As if running away will somehow buy me time. As if it can simply erase the shadow of my past.
But even in this state, I know that my past will still be there tomorrow, no matter how much I drink. Daniel will still be there, and I’ll still be waiting to hear whatever his stupid conditions for leaving Code Blue are. It’s unnerving to no end that I still haven’t heard from him. What the hell is the guy up to?
I slide the glass to the bartender, and he dutifully gives me a refill. I gulp it down instantly even though it burns on the way down. How am I supposed to face Maya looking like this?
I delay the inevitable by drinking ‘just one more glass’ until I finally find it in me to make my way home. Even amidst the snake pit that is my life right now, I feel warm and fuzzy about the fact that I’m walking home to someone waiting for me, someone to go to bed with, someone I can count on, and someone who’s counting on me. I could get used to this. I finally understand the concept of mates in shifter culture.
It’s an odd thought, one I’ve never really entertained in my adult life because ever since Code Blue found me, Daniel found me, I had only run away from my bear side. But the thought comes in at lightning speed now, in the middle of the street as I stumble home in my drunken stupor. Could Maya be my mate?
When I was young, I heard stories from people about what it feels like when you actually find your mate. They described it as this magical feeling, a feeling unlike any other. As a child, I used to be star-struck by the stories, then in adolescence I used to scoff at them because surely nothing that woo-woo could actually exist in the world. My adult life did not give me enough opportunities to change that worldview and so I hadn’t. And I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t met Maya. But now that I’ve experienced that indescribable feeling of being with someone, that spellbinding energy that grips me whenever we touch, I know that it’s real. Does that make Maya my mate?
I’m too drunk to have the answer, so I put it to the back of my mind. Right now I have other problems because I don’t know how Maya will react to me being this drunk. A part of me is ashamed that I’ve been drinking, but there are some days that you just can’t handle life by yourself.
I open the door and find the house dark, which I find odd even in my state. I turn on the light and call Maya’s name, but there’s no answer. I check my phone for the time and see that it’s eleven o’clock which makes me wonder if perhaps she’s fallen asleep. I tiptoe, as best as I can, into the bedroom, but the bedroom is empty too. A slight sense of anxiety enters my drunk head. Where is she? I struggle to put one step after the other and make my way to her house, telling myself that it’s likely that she’s there.
I fling the door open to find the lights off in here too. I switch them on and run the same routine. Check the bedroom; empty. Check the bathroom; unoccupied. She’s not home, and I feel my fear turning into crippling anxiety. I walk back home, stupidly hoping she’ll be there by now, but of course, it turns out that she hasn’t. So I take my phone and call her, then hear it ringing in my house. I locate its position on the sofa and almost break it in half in anger as the screen says ‘Sebastian calling’.
I growl in rage and fear, and I feel the house, and I’m certain the entire neighborhood, reverberate with the inhuman sound that comes out of my mouth.
She might have stepped out for a bit, she could be coming home anytime, the tiny rational voice in my head says and though I don’t believe it at all, I have no idea what else to do so I sit with my back against the leg of the sofa, simmering in my own misery as I contemplate driving to Code Blue’s headquarters to see if they have something to do with this.
Thirty minutes go by as I steadily lose my patience and good sense. I’m about to go and confront Daniel when the front door swings open. Maya’s standing in the doorway, her clothes clinging to her frame from sweat. There’s a bow in her hand and a quiver in the other. I only see her silhouette as she walks in and turns the light on. I stand up and look at her, the anxiety, hurt, and misery all bubbling up in my throat. I’m ready to take it all out on her, though I know in the back of my head that that’s completely unreasonable.
“Where the fuck have you been?” I blurt out as I move toward her.
“I could ask you the same thing,” she replies with the same anger and rage, then covers her nose as I approach her and takes a few steps back. “Well, I think I can guess where you’ve been.” Her anger morphs into disgust.
She’s about to walk away, but I block her path and face her. “Don’t you walk away from me, Maya. Couldn’t you keep your stupid phone on you? Is that too much to ask?”
I want to talk nicely, I want to calm down and sit her down and explain why it’s so important that she keep her phone with her at all times, but I have no patience, no self-control. The fear is too overpowering, the fear to have lost her forever. Inside, I’m a crumbling mess, but outside, it’s all a pretense of a tough exterior.
“Don’t touch me, Sebastian. You’re reeking, stay away from me.”
Oh, it hurts. Her rejection feels as though a fireball is dancing around in my stomach and I lose it badly.
“Are you trying to get yourself killed? What’s the bright idea, Maya? What are you doing running around with that weapon in your hand?�
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I know I’m looking for a weakness, something to hurt her back with, something that’ll make her cave in, accept defeat, and fall into my arms because that’s what I really need right now. I need her to tell me it’s going to be okay, and by the look in her eyes, I can tell that she needs the same thing. All it’s going to take right now is one moment of calm where I can be warm to her, and it’s going to be okay. We’ll be fine because we’re alive, right? We’re doing good, we’re together. Yet somehow, these feelings don’t translate into action. Instead, my fear grips me by the throat, and my brain keeps playing a variety of horror scenarios of what could have happened to her.
“If it’s okay for you not to tell me where you’re going, why isn’t it okay for me to do the same?” she asks. “If you can keep your secrets, then I can keep mine.”
I know that we’re both looking for revenge right now, and before I say something that’ll take us to the point of no return, I storm out of the house.
“Where do you think you’re going in the middle of the night?” Maya screams behind me.
“I’ll sleep at your place,” I yell back from her porch, not caring that the neighbors might hear. “We could both use some space right now.” I kick off my shoes and slip into her bed, letting the memory of our first time in bed together envelop me because that’s the only thing that can bring me comfort tonight.
Chapter 31 - Maya
I wake up in the morning and, much to my dismay, notice that I’m still feeling angry. I was hoping that it would dissipate, that staying away from Sebastian would have an effect. But it’s still hard for me not to be disgusted by his drunken state, the stench of alcohol around him, and his body struggling to stay upright. It’s hard to think of drunken Sebastian in the same way as I think about sober Sebastian, when he’s so measured and in control.
A tiny part of me is hoping that Sebastian has texted me, but when I check my phone, I see that he hasn’t. Instead, I have a text from Sarah, who tells me that she’s set up the bodyguard interview for this morning and that she’ll pick me up.
I get ready and contemplate whether to tell Sebastian that I’m going out or not, but that thought is pushed aside when Sarah texts me again.
“I’m almost at your place,” the text reads, so I rush out of the house, this time remembering to lock the door. For someone as paranoid as me, I sure do forget to keep my security measures in place.
The moment I leave the house, I see Sebastian making his way towards me. His hair is ruffled, his shirt unbuttoned, and he has this stupid morning face that looks too damn irresistible. If I didn’t have the interview, I’m certain we would end up staying in bed for hours.
It’s precisely the reason why I ignore Sebastian. I haven’t forgotten last night.
“Where are you going?” he asks in a voice that’s too loud this early in the morning.
“It’s none of your business, Sebastian.”
“Maya, don’t test my patience. I’m asking you nicely where you’re going.”
“I’m telling you nicely,” I say and make sure to look him in the eye. “It’s none of your business.”
“I’m coming with you wherever you’re going. I’ll take you,” Sebastian says, and he sounds desperate, almost begging me to listen to him. It makes my heart melt.
I soften my voice and get a hold on my anger. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”
“Just tell me where, Maya,” he begs.
Sarah stops the car in front of us, and I skitter away without saying another word to Sebastian. I suppose I still need some space.
“Text me where you’re going, Maya,” I hear Sebastian saying before I shut the door.
“Someone you know?” Sarah asks, pulling out of the village.
I don’t answer and instead start talking about the weather, trying to take my mind off Sebastian. But it doesn’t work. The entire time I’m in the waiting room at the TDI media office, I’m thinking about Sebastian, about our fights, and about how we could stop hurting each other. It occurs to me that just like I get scared when I don’t know where Sebastian is, he might also get scared when he doesn’t know where I am. Perhaps that’s why he was so angry last night. My brain tries to logic its way out of that one by saying, “but I’m Maya Venne Ford, I’m one of the best warriors from my village. I know how to use at least half a dozen martial art forms, and I know my way around weapons, not to mention that I can turn any innocuous thing into a weapon if the situation calls for it.” Sebastian, on the other hand, is not a warrior. He doesn’t use weapons, and he’s not a fighter. So it’s reasonable for me to worry about him, but it’s not reasonable for him to worry about me. I can handle myself just fine.
I make a mental note of explaining to Sebastian that he doesn’t need to worry about me because his girlfriend is one hell of a fighter. Just as I have that thought, the interviewer calls me in.
The interview goes well as far as I’m concerned, but I don’t really care that much about the results. My mind is too occupied with Sebastian. I didn’t tell him where I was going, didn’t tell him about the interview, and it makes me feel bad. He was only scared for me, wanted to protect me against god knows what.
I calm myself down and prepare myself to make it up with Sebastian as Sarah drives us home. I send him some quick texts to tell him where I was and that I’ll be home soon, but for some reason, the messages don’t seem to arrive. A slight sense of anxiety returns to me, but I tell myself that there’s no reason to worry.
Sebastian’s home is empty, and I find his phone on the sofa with a dead battery. I check my place, but that’s empty too. Then it strikes me that this is probably exactly how Sebastian felt last night after coming home and finding me gone.
What am I supposed to do now? Did something happen to him, or is this him trying to take his revenge for last night? Is he gone forever?
Slowly at first, then all at once, my defenses crumble, and the reality of the situation hits me. Sebastian is gone. Have I caused this? Will he return? He can’t leave me alone like this, can he?
Something gives, and I sink to the floor, feeling the darkness that has been lurking in the back of my mind growing and growing until it finally takes over.
Chapter 32 - Sebastian
I drive until my anger ebbs away, which takes a while, but the prospect of my destination provides me with a deep sense of relief. I’ve wanted to go back here for ages. I never did, because I was always afraid that Code Blue might tail me and might use the knowledge of my childhood home and the people still living there against me. But I’m pretty sure that Ash is no longer on my tail. Which, if I’m honest, scares me a little. If he’s not tailing me, that means that he could be up to much worse. I decide not to follow that thought, though, and focus on where I am.
My rental car reaches the bear village up north. It took me some four odd hours to get here, to my birthplace. The moment I get out and take that left curve that opens into the village center, I’m transported back to my childhood. I’m facing the rotunda, where I used to play with the other kids from the village.
I see a few passers-by and pull my black Yankee snapback over my eyes because I want to be discrete while I’m here. Being identified wouldn’t do me any good, I’m not here to meet anyone.
I cross the rotunda and walk to the other side of the village. Different from my new bear village, this one is cut in half, with a tiny stretch of mountain ash woods separating the northern part of the village from the southern part. Another key difference between the two villages is their size and general appearance, with this one being so much bigger and more modern than the one where I’ve been staying over the past few months, which is much smaller and more archaic. As I walk around, I notice the tall glass building where the village council sits. This village had its technological revolution a long time ago, building its own power grid and water treatment plant.
I find my childhood home right where it’s always been. It’s been such a long time since I se
t foot here. I walk around the house and look through the window, instantly seeing the two people I came here to see.
My dad is sitting in his rocking chair next to the fireplace where he always used to sit, and mom is sitting on the couch in front of the TV. Some things never change.
An overwhelming sense of sadness grips me when I see them living their life as if nothing ever happened to them. I’m sure that’s not true. All my parents ever wanted was a quiet life in the village. All they wanted for me was a decent job, a pretty girl, and late-night oysters at the local bar. Life was simple when I was here, and it was good. But I left it in search of something bigger.
The back yard looks as impeccable as ever, which isn’t surprising given my dad’s obsession with it. He likes things to be in their right place, and nobody gets in his way when he has his mind set on something, least of all mom. I look at mom as she walks to the kitchen with her smartphone in hand, scrolling through it, always on top of her tech. She seems to giggle over something, and I see her face lighting up, which brings a smile to my face. She turns to dad, and he smiles in response to what she’s saying, too. They seem to be doing okay. No, it doesn’t hurt that they seem to be doing okay without me. Maybe someday, I can come back here.
I mull over that thought, but in the back of my mind, I know that this place is not where I belong. Even if things go back to being okay, I can free myself from the clutches of Code Blue, and the people I love won’t be in any danger, coming back here and living with my parents will not be the answer to life. Then I think about Maya and know instantly where I’m supposed to be.