by John McElroy
CHAPTER XI. SHORTY RUNS HEADQUARTERS
GETS ENTIRELY TOO BIG FOR HIS PLACE.
THE disturbance in the Deacon's family when Shorty's note was deliveredby little Sammy Woggles quite came up to that romance-loving youth'sfond anticipations. If he could only hope that his own disappearancewould create a fraction of the sensation he would have run away the nextday. It would be such a glorious retribution on those who subjected himto the daily tyranny of rising early in the morning, washing his face,combing his hair, and going to school. For the first time in his lifethe boy found himself the center of interest in the family. He knewsomething that all the rest were intensely eager to know, and they pliedhim with questions until his young brain whirled. He told them all thathe knew, except that which Shorty had enjoined upon him not to tell,and repeated his story without variation when separately examined bydifferent members of the family. All his leisure for the next few dayswas put in laboriously constructing, on large sheets of foolscap,the following letter, in which the thumb-marks and blots were moreconspicuous than the "pot-hook" letters:
dEER shoRty:
doNt 4git thAt REblE guN u promist mE.
thAir wAs An oRful time wheN i giv um yorE lEttEr.
missis klEgg shE cride.
mAriAr shE sEd did u EvEr No Ennything so Ridiklus.
si hE sed thAt shorty kood be morE Kinds ov fool in A minnit thAn Ary uthEr boy hE Ever node, Not bArrin Tompsons colt.
thE deAcon hE wAntid 2 go 2 the tranE & stop u. When hE found hE kooddEnt do that, hE wAntid 2 tElEgrAf 2 Arrest u & bring u bAk.
But si hE sEd bEttEr let u run till u got tirEd. Ude fEtch up sum whAir soon. Then thEy wood sHp a bridlE ovEr yore hEAd & brink u bAk.
i hAint told mAriA nothin but u hAd bEtEr sEnd thAt gun rite off.
ile look 4 it EvEry dAy til i git it.
mi pen iz bAd, mi ink iz pAle, send thAt gun & NEVEr f ALE.
YorEs, SAM.
As soon as he saw that he was likely to remain at Headquarters for sometime. Shorty became anxious about that letter from Sammy, and after muchscheming and planning, he at last bethought himself of the expedientof having the Chief Clerk write an official letter to Sam Elkins, thepostmaster and operator at Bean Blossom Creek Station, directing him toforward to Headquarters any communications addressed to Corp'l Elliott,200th Ind. Vols., and keep this matter a military secret.
In spite of his prepossessions against it, Shorty took naturally toHeadquarters duty, as he did to everything else in the army. He eventook a pride in his personal appearance, and appeared every morning asspick and span as the barber-shop around the corner could make him.This was because the General saw and approved it, and--because of theinfluence Maria had projected into his life. The Deacon's well-orderedhome had been a revelation to him of another world, of which he wantedto be a part. The gentle quiet and the constant consideration forothers that reigned there smoothed off his rough corners and checked therasping of his ready tongue.
"I'm goin' to try to be half-white," he mentally resolved; "at least, aslong's I'm north o' the Ohio River. When I'm back agin at the front, Ikin take a rest from being respectable."
He was alert, prompt, and observant, and before he was himself aware ofit began running things about the ante-rooms to Headquarters. More andmore the General and Chief Clerk kept putting the entire disposal ofcertain matters in his hands, and it was not surprising that he acted attimes as if he were the Headquarters himself, and the General and othersmerely attaches. Shorty always had that way about him.
"No, you can't see the General today," he would say to a man as to whomhe had heard the General or the Chief Clerk hint was a bore, and wastedtheir time. "The General's very busy. The President's layin' down on himfor his advice about a campaign to take Richmond by a new way, and theGeneral's got to think at the rate of a mile a minute in order to git itoff by telegraph."
DON'T YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO COME TO HEADQUARTERS LIKETHAT? 156]
"Here," to a couple of soldiers who came up to get their furloughsextended, "don't you know better than to come to Headquarters lookingas if your clothes had been blowed on to you? How long've you bin in thearmy? Hain't you learned yit that you must come to Headquarters in fulldress? Go back and git your shoes blacked, put on collars, button upyour coats, and come up here lookin' like soldiers, not teamsters on theTullyhomy mud march."
"No," very decisively, to a big-waisted, dark-bearded man; "you can't gitno permit here to open no shebang in camp or anywheres near. Too manylike you out there now. We're goin' to root 'em all out soon. They'reall sellin' whisky on the sly, and every last one of 'em orter be injail."
"Certainly, madam," tenderly to a poor woman who had come to see if shecould learn something of her son, last heard from as sick in hospitalat Chattanooga. "Sit down. Take that chair--no, that one; it's morecomfortable. Give me your son's name and regiment. I'll see if we kinfind out anything about him. No use seein' the General. I'll do jest aswell, and 'll tend to it quicker."
"No," to a raw Captain, who strolled in, smoking a cheap cheroot. "TheGeneral's not in to an officer who comes in here like as if Headquarterswas a ward caucus. He'll be in to you when you put on your sword andbutton up your coat."
It amused and pleased the General to see Shorty take into his handsthe administration of military etiquette; but one day, when he wasaccompanying the General on a tour of inspection, and walking stifflyat the regulation distance behind, a soldier drunk enough to be uglylurched past, muttering some sneers about "big shoulder-straps."
Shorty instantly snatched him by the collar and straightened him up.
"Take the position of a soldier," he commanded.
The astonished man tried to obey.
"Throw your chest out," commanded Shorty, punching him in the ribs."Little fingers down to the seams of your pants," with a cuff at hisears. "Put your heels together, and turn out your toes," kicking himon the shin. "Hold up your head," jabbing him under the chin. "'Nowrespectfully salute."
The cowed man clumsily obeyed.
"Now, take that to learn you how to behave after this in the presence ofa General officer," concluded Shorty, giving him a blow in the face thatsent him over.
The General had walked on, apparently without seeing what was going on.But after they had passed out of the sight of the group which the affairhad gathered, he turned and said to Shorty:
"Corporal, discipline must be enforced in the army, but don't you thinkyou were a little too summary and condign with that man?"
"Hardly know what you mean by summary and condign. General, But if youmean warm by summary, I'll say that he didn't git it half hot enough. IfI'd had my strength back I'd a' condigned his head off. But he got hislesson jest when he needed it, and he'll be condigned sure to behavedecently hereafter."
Just then ex-Lieut.-Col. Billings came by. He was dressed in citizen'sclothes, and he glared at Shorty and the General, but there wassomething in the latter's face and carriage which dominated him in spiteof himself, his camp associations asserted themselves, and instinctivelyhis hand went to his hat in a salute.
This was enough excuse for Shorty. He fell back until the General wasaround the corner, out of sight, and then went up to Billings.
"Mister Billings," said he, sternly, "what was the General's ordersabout wearin' anything military?"
"Outrageously tyrannical and despotic," answered Billings hotly."But jest what you might expect from these Abolition satraps, who'rethrottlin' our liberties. A white man's no longer got any rights inthis country that these military upstarts is bound to respect. But I'mobeyin' the order till I kin git an appeal from it."
"You're a liar. You're not," said Shorty, savagely.
"Why, what in the world have I got on that's military?" asked Billings,looking himself over.
"You're wearin' a military saloot, which you have no business to. You'vegot no right to show that you ever was in the army, o
r so much as seena regiment. You salooted the General jest now. Don't you ever let me seeyou do it to him agin, or to no other officer. You musn't do nothin' buttake off your hat and bow. You hear me?"
Shorty was rubbing it in on his old tormentor in hopes to provoke himto a fight. But the cowed man was too fearful of publicity just then.He did not know what might be held in reserve to spring upon him. Heshambled away, muttering:
"O, go on! Grind down upon me. You'll be wantin' to send me to a Lincolnbastile next. But a day will come when white men'll have their rightsagin."
Unfortunately for Shorty, however, he was having things too much hisown way. There were complaints that he was acting as if he ownedHeadquarters.
Even the General noticed it, and would occasionally say in tones ofgentle remonstrance:
"See here, Corporal, you are carrying too big a load. Leave somethingfor the rest of us to do. We are getting bigger pay than you are, andshould have a chance to earn our money."
But Shorty would not take the hint. With his rapidly-returning strengththere had come what Si termed "one of his bull-headed spells,"which inevitably led to a cataclysm, unless it could be worked offlegitimately, as it usually was at the front by a toilsome march, atour of hard fatigue duty, or a battle or skirmish. But the routine ofHeadquarters duties left him too much chance to get "fat and sassy."
One day the General and his staff had to go over to Louisville to attendsome great military function, and Shorty was left alone in charge ofHeadquarters. There was nothing for him to do but hold a chair down, andkeep anybody from carrying off the Headquarters. This was a dangerouscondition, in his frame of mind. He began meditating how he could putin the idle hours until the General should return in the evening. Hethought of hunting up Billngs, and giving him that promised thrashing,but his recent experience did not promise hopefully that he could nagthat worthy into a fight that would be sufficiently interesting.
"I'd probably hit him a welt and he'd go off bawlin' like a calf," hecommuned with himself. "No; Billings is too tame, now, until he findsout whether we've got anything on him to send him to the penitentiary,where he orter go."
Looking across the street he noticed Eph Click, whom he had known as acamp-follower down in Tennessee, and was now running a "place" in theunsavory part of the town. Shorty had the poorest opinion of Eph, butthe latter was a cunning rascal, who kept on the windy side of thelaw, and had so far managed to escape the active notice of theProvost-Marshal. He was now accompanied by a couple of men in brand-newuniforms, so fresh that they still had the folds of the Quartermaster'sboxes.
"There goes that unhung rascal, Eph Glick," he said to himself, "thatorter be wearin' a striped suit, and breakin' stone in the penitentiary.He's runnin' a reg'lar dead-fall down the street, there, and he's got acouple o' green recruits in tow, steerin' them to where he kin rob 'emof their pay and bounty. They won't have a cent left in two hours. I'vebin achin' to bust him up for a long time, but I've never bin able togit the p'ints on him that'd satisfy the General or the Provo. I'll jestgo down and clean out his shebang and run him out o' town, and finishthe job up while the General and the Provo's over in Louisville. It'llall be cleaned up before they git back, and they needn't know a word ofit. Eph's got no friends around here to complain. He's a yaller hound,that nobody cares what's done to him. It'll be good riddance o' badrubbish."
He stalked out of the Headquarters, and beckoned imperiously to a squadthat he saw coming down the street under the command of a Sergeant.Seeing him come out of Headquarters there was no question of his rightto order, and the Sergeant and squad followed.
They arrived in front of Eph's place about the same time he did.
"Take that man," said Shorty, pointing to Eph, "and put him aboard thenext train that goes out. Think yourself lucky, sir, that you git off soeasily. If you ever show your face back here agin you'll be put at hardlabor on the fortifications for the rest o' your natural life. Hustlehim off to the depot, a couple of you, and see that he goes off when thetrain does. The rest o' you bring out all the liquor in that place, andpour it into the gutter. Sergeant, see that nobody's allowed to drink orcarry any away."
Nothing more was needed for the crowd that had followed up the squad,anticipating a raid. Bottles, demijohns and kegs were smashed, thecigars and tobacco snatched up, and the place thoroughly wrecked in afew minutes.
Shorty contemplated the ruin from across the street, and strolled backto Headquarters, serenely conscious of having put in a part of the dayto good advantage.
That evening the Provost-Marshal came into Headquarters, and said:
"I'm sorry, General, that you felt that Click place so bad that youwere compelled to take personal action. I have known for some time thatsomething ought to be done, but I've been trying to collect evidencethat would hold Glick on a criminal charge, so that I could turn himover to the civil authorities."
"I do not understand what you mean, Colonel," answered the General.
"I mean that Glick place that was raided by your orders today."
"I gave no orders to raid any place. I have left all those matters inyour hands, Colonel, with entire confidence that you would do the rightthing."
"Why, one of my Sergeants reported that a Corporal came from yourHeadquarters, and directed the raid to be made."
"A Corporal from my Headquarters?" repeated the General, beginning tounderstand. "That's another development of that irrepressible Shorty."And he called:
"Corp'l Elliott."
"Yes, sir," responded Shorty, appearing at the door and saluting.
"Did you raid the establishment of a person named"
"Eph Glick," supplied the Provost-Marshal.
"Yes, Ephraim Glick. Did you direct it; and, if so, what authority hadyou for doing so?"
"Yes, sir," said Shorty promptly. "I done it on my own motion. It was alittle matter that needed tending to, and I didn't think it worth whileto trouble either you or the Provo about it. The feller's bin dead-ripefor killin' a long time. I hadn't nothin' else to do, so I thought I'djest git that job offen my hands, and not to have to think about it anymore."
"Corporal," said the General sternly, "I have not objected to yourrunning my office, for I probably need all the help in brains andactivity that I can get. But I must draw the line at your assuming theduties of the Provost-Marshal in addition. He is quite capable of takingcare of his own office. You have too much talent for this narrow sphere.Gen. Thomas needs you to help him run the army. Tell Wilson to make outyour transportation, so that you can start for your regiment tomorrow.The Provost-Marshal and I will have to try to run this town without yourhelp. It will be hard work, I know; but, then, that is what we came intothe service for."
Shorty grumbled to another Orderly as he returned to his place in thenext room:
"There, you see all the thanks you git for bein' a hustler in the wayof doin' your dooty. I done a job for 'em that they should've 'tended tolong ago, and now they sit down on me for it."