by Jordyn White
Eyes still closed, she sighs and rolls onto her back.
“Oh, no you don’t.” I turn her onto her side again. I don’t need this girl choking on her own vomit. I don’t know if she’s passed out or fallen asleep already, but her hand drops out of my hand and she starts snoring softly.
I exhale heavily and stand up, looking down at her. My blood is pumping thickly and I’m having a hard time getting my Johnson to settle down. I bring my hands to my face, rubbing hard. Would I be a complete ass if I jacked off in her bathroom?
Instead, I go back into the living room to lock up the house. I empty my pockets onto the kitchen counter and look for the extra charger I keep here so I can plug in my phone. I realize just how much I’ve made a home for myself here at Sam’s. I really should cut those strings. Draw firmer boundaries.
I consider sleeping on the couch, but it’s too short for comfort. I kind of want to keep an eye on Sam anyway, and my cock is finally under control. Sort of. I go back into her bedroom to see she’s rolled onto her back again, her arms and legs spread out.
Don’t look, don’t look, don’t look.
I manage not to look too much at the black lace panties I can see under her skirt. Good lord, is she wearing a thong? So much for my cock being under control.
Dammit Sam.
I focus on turning her onto her side again. It kind of worries me that she won’t stay put. Sam’s a wild sleeper.
I pull the covers down and tuck her under them (panties safely out of sight). Her shoulders are still showing though, and her shoulders are sexy as hell. I pull the blankets up more, covering them. Then up a bit more, covering her neck. Okay. That’s better. Kind of.
I strip down to my boxers and tee and collapse on the other side of the bed, on top of the covers. My dick is demanding some attention, but thankfully my exhaustion wins over. I’m out in a heartbeat.
I keep waking up. Between worrying about her and waking to check to make sure she hasn’t choked in her sleep, and her rolling all over the place and throwing her limbs all over me, I’m not sleeping much.
It’s my own fucking fault. I should’ve just left.
I realize this keenly when, predawn, I wake to find Sam in my arms, and me in hers. We’re on our sides, facing each other, arms wrapped around one another. Her leg is thrown over my hip and she’s oh-so-slowly grinding against my hard cock. Her skirt has scrunched up in her sleep and she’s definitely, definitely wearing a thong. I know this because my hand is low on her bare ass. Half an inch lower and I’ll be fingering the gateway to heaven. She’s still sleeping, and making dreaming noises, but now I’m wide awake. She’s probably dreaming about some random hookup, but I’m right here, right now.
She’s pressed against my chest and nuzzling her mouth into the crook of my neck. Good lord. My heart’s pounding against my ribs and I’m so hard it almost hurts. I should move my hand off her ass, but I leave it there. It’s taking every ounce of self-control not to roll her on her back, tear that black lace thong right off her, and pound her into oblivion.
Fucking hell.
I scramble backwards out of bed. She kind of moans but I don’t look to see if I woke her up. I will lose it if I stay here another second, and I know it. I hustle into the living room, throw on my clothes, and get the hell out.
It’s only after I’ve made it home and let off some steam in the shower that I’m clear-headed enough to realize what might be the worst thing:
I didn’t leave out of loyalty to Emily.
I left out of loyalty to Sam.
Chapter 13
Sam
If I don’t stop having these stupid dreams about Jack, I’m going to lose my fucking mind. Or, alternately, my head could just explode and put me out of my misery. Why oh why do people drink like this?
I barely remember last night. I’m not sure how I got home, but the fact that I’m still dressed is a good sign. My car’s not here though. Is it down at the bar? I keep thinking Jack was there, and here, but I’m not sure if that was part of my dream or what.
I called in sick to work. In case you’re wondering, calling in sick to work due to a drinking binge is officially fucked up behavior. Dear ol’ dad would be so proud.
Fuck.
Around noon I stumble out to the kitchen to make some coffee and text Jack.
Me: Did you bring me home last night?
Jack: You=wasted. Me=awesome.
I groan.
Me: Where’s my car?
Jack: Rounders. We can get it later. Did you call into work?
Me: What do you think?
Jack: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah.
Jack: I mean really.
I groan again. No, Jack, you big, dumb, jackass I am most definitely not okay.
Me: Yes really. Except my head is no longer attached to my body.
Jack: You weren’t using it anyway.
“You got that right, buddy.”
I don’t want Jack to help me get my car because I don’t think I can handle being with him. I call Ashley. Then I call Isabella. Then the next thing I know, Chloe’s hauled herself clear up to Rosebrook yet again because I’ve called an emergency meeting at Delsa’s Diner. We take my car home, then go to Delsa’s together in Isabella’s car.
We’re sitting in our spot, near the back. This was the first place we ever hung out together, way back in our Freshman year, and it hasn’t changed one bit. The floors are still white linoleum, and the booths are still cheap red leather, and the menu is exactly the same. But we’re all different. I’m different.
I didn’t think I could handle Volcano Fries, so I ordered one of Delsa’s famous cookie pies and the girls all jumped on board. We each have an individual cookie pie in front of us, with a couple scoops of ice cream on top.
I know I’m the one who called this little meeting, but now that everyone’s here, what am I supposed to say? What are they supposed to do about it? I’m stabbing my ice cream with my spoon, but I’m not eating it.
“Are you going to tell us what’s wrong, or what?” Chloe asks.
“I guess. What the hell.” But I still say nothing.
Isabella snorts. “Geez, Sam.”
“I know. I’m being a pain in the ass.”
That’s part of what’s bugging me, too. I never realized it before, but part of not wanting to ever fall in love was not having to worry about being loveable. I mean, what hope does a pain in the ass like me have anyway?
“Um,” Ashley says, frowning at me. “What’s that look about? You look like you’re in a really dark place.”
Okay, I just have to come out with it. But as I think about telling them the truth, that I’ve gone and fallen in love with Jack when I shouldn’t have, a bubble of pain is swelling in my chest. I tilt my head up slightly, blinking back tears. Oh God. The Heartbreak. I’ve tried so hard to avoid this. I don’t want this. I don’t.
“Oh, Sam,” Isabella says softly. “What is it?”
I drop my spoon and clasp my hands together, pressing them hard against my forehead. Now I do want to spill it all and tell them everything, but I don’t think I can physically talk. I’m fighting back a sob and can only spit out, “Jack,” before I break down and start crying right here in the middle of fucking Delsa’s Diner.
“Jack?” Chloe repeats. “Is something wrong with him?”
“Yeah, he’s in love with fucking Emily, that’s what’s wrong with him,” I say, looking up. “Stupid asshole.”
Chloe and Isabella look alarmed and confused—and who can blame them—but Ashley is giving me a more compassionate look. As if she understands. I realize she’s probably understood this for some time. I’m such an idiot.
“Oh, Sam,” Ashley says.
“What?” Chloe asks, looking between the two of us.
I grab a napkin and furiously wipe away my tears, leaving trails of mascara on the white tissue. “I’ve gone and fallen in love with stupid Jack, that’s what.”
Chloe slams b
oth hands on the table and lowers her head, staring at me. “Whaaaat?”
Isabella’s jaw drops.
“Uuuugh,” I groan. “I know, I know. We’re supposed to be friends and he’s with Emily anyway and I’m so sick of hearing him swoon over that little princess.”
“I don’t know that I’d call it swooning,” Isabella mutters, shrugging, but Chloe’s still staring at me in disbelief.
“You fell in love with Jack?” she says.
“I didn’t mean to!”
“Okay,” Isabella says. “It’s okay.”
But Chloe’s not done. She looks at Ashley. “Did you know about this?”
“Not exactly.”
“What’s that mean?” Chloe presses.
“It means I kinda figured it out.”
Chloe is furrowing her brows at Ashley but I don’t care who knew what or who figured out what. Although, I’m a little perturbed by the notion that Ashley may have figured it out before I did.
“Okay, everybody calm down,” Isabella says. “Does Jack know?”
“Are you fucking crazy?” I say.
“I was just asking,” she says, raising her hands.
I groan and drop my head in my hands. “Sorry, Bella.” She sighs and starts rubbing my back. “I don’t know what to do,” I say, my head still in my hands. “This is so, so, so bad.”
“Well,” Ashley says slowly, “maybe Jack feels the same way?”
I look at her wryly. Typical, female wishful thinking. And dammit if I don’t start up with it, too. I’ve thought of that night plenty. But I’m still giving her a look. She holds her ground. “He might.”
I glance at the other two. They’re giving Ashley thoughtful looks.
“He’s with Emily,” I say, determined to be logical about this. “The first girl he’s never cringed about when someone brings up the topic of marriage.”
Chloe cringes herself. Everyone exchanges uncomfortable looks. Because I’m right.
“Uggggh,” I say again, sliding down and resting my head on the back of the seat. “This just.... ugh... I can’t stand this! How can you people stand this?”
Chloe laughs a little.
“It’s so not fucking funny,” I say flatly, pinching my eyes closed.
It’s silent at our table for a moment. There’s a song playing on the jukebox: “I Will Always Love You,” by Whitney Houston. Nice. Whatever.
“How long have you felt like this?” Isabella asks.
I shrug, like a petulant teenager.
“Sam?” she presses.
I sigh and sit back up. “I don’t know. Not long. I don’t think. It just... all kind of hit me. I had a...dream about him.” I feel my cheeks blushing, and let me tell you, it’s been years since I’ve been embarrassed about anything sexual.
Chloe’s eyebrows raise and I point at her. “Don’t say anything.” She widens her eyes and raises her hands, pretending she wasn’t going to.
“And then...” I continue, “I think, I don’t know, maybe because Emily came on the scene? I don’t know. I don’t know where all this came from.”
“Honestly,” Isabella says gently, “I never understood why you two weren’t an item to start with.”
Well, great. What am I supposed to do with that?
“Has Jack ever given you any sign that he might feel the same way?” Isabella asks.
And here I go again. I think back to that night weeks ago. Movie night. Fingers on my neck and goosebumps on my arms night. The way he looked at me. Remembering makes my heart hurt.
“It was nothing,” I say aloud.
They all straighten and lean in. “What’s this?” Chloe says.
“Nothing,” I say, irritated now. “No. There has not been anything and Jack is not hiding secret feelings for me.”
I’m not going to be one of those women who analyzes every little thing a guy does so she can convince herself he’s in love with her.
“Sam,” Ashley says firmly, “I’m sorry, but you don’t know that. You have all these feelings for Jack now, right? Have you ever done anything to show it? Does he have anything he could look at and say, Gee, I think Sam likes me?”
That gets me thinking, I’ll admit. It’s a fair point. Maybe.
“You need to talk to him,” she says.
My eyes widen and I give my head two sharp shakes no. Uh-uh. No way. I’m panicking just at the thought of it.
“You need to,” Ashley says.
“Maybe she’s right,” Isabella pipes in.
Fuck. “No. No, I can’t.” That panicked feeling is growing. “I can’t lose him.” I mean his friendship, but I don’t clarify.
“Hey,” Ashley says gently, as I take a deep breath. This conversation is freaking me out. “Even if Jack doesn’t feel the same way, he’s not going to stop being your friend. You know he won’t.”
“I’ll make it weird. It’ll ruin it. That’s what happens.”
“You and Jack are different,” Isabella says. “You’ll work through it.”
I throw my hands up. “Well, what’s the point? Why do I want to give him something to work through?”
I just need to fucking get over it. And I’m not going to be one of those women who thinks she’s the exception. I’m not, or else he... he wouldn’t be with Emily the way he is. My heart clenches in pain as I think about Emily. The girl he loves. Not me. Her. And as much as I hate to admit it, she deserves him more than I do. She’s smart and beautiful and has her shit together and probably isn’t a miserable fuck-up in the love department like I am.
“Sam—” Isabella starts to press.
I cut her off. “Anyway, who says I want him?”
They all stare at me.
“You don’t want him?” Chloe asks.
“I don’t... want to want him.”
“That’s just stupid,” Isabella says, taking a bite of her cookie.
“No, it’s not.” Some help they’re being.
“You want him,” Isabella says. “You’re just scared he doesn’t want you.”
“Or scared he does,” Ashley says.
I look at Ashley sharply. My heart’s pounding. I take a few steadying breaths, then say, “That’s enough.” I look at each one of them. “That’s enough. I’m done talking about it.”
For better or for worse, no one says another word.
Chapter 14
Sam
Isabella drops me off and I enter a darkened house. It was daylight when the girls picked me up earlier, and I forgot to turn on any lights before I left. I shut the door behind me and stand there in the dark, my purse hanging loosely from my hand. I don’t move. I don’t think. I just stand there.
After a moment I reach over and flip the switch next to the door. The floor lamp in the corner comes on. I stare at the living room. The walls are taupe instead of puke green. The furniture is back where it belongs, for now. The pink shag carpet is still awaiting its fate.
I drop my purse on the floor, step out of first one heel, then the other, then walk barefoot down the darkened hall to my bedroom. Yellow light from the streetlamp outside is coming through the open blinds. I don’t bother turning on any other lights. I strip off my jeans and throw them on the floor. My shirt and bra are next.
I open a drawer, grab a cami, and slowly pull it on. I remove a pair of old sweats from the same drawer and pull those on, too. I stare at the open drawer for a minute, then leave the room without closing it.
I go down the hallway and back into the living room where I stop and stand there. Just... stand there. Something dark is starting to seep into my shoulders and chest. It soaks into me, getting stronger. Going deeper.
I’m standing still, but yet I stumble a bit. I sink to the end of the coffee table, sitting heavily.
The blackness is starting to break open and pool inside my heart.
Oh god. No.
I can’t remember what girls do when they’re brokenhearted. What am I supposed to do? What do I do with this? How do I stop it?
But whatever horrible thing has been creeping up on me isn’t creeping anymore, it’s tearing through me. Without mercy. I hunch over and press my palms to my eyes. It swells and breaks inside me and just like that I’m crying like a child.
Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.
But it goes on and on. I forgot what it was like to cry this hard and this long. Why did I do this to myself? How could I have let this happen? And with Jack. My best friend.
I don’t know how long I’m like that. Eventually, I’m lying on the coffee table, staring up at the ceiling and feeling still and lifeless.
Naturally, that’s when Jack walks in the door.
He takes one look at me and freezes, door still half way open and his hand still on the knob. I stay where I’m at. In the space of a heartbeat, I take Jack in. Tall, lean, handsome Jack. I’ve always known Jack’s good looking, but it’s one thing to see that with your eyes and another to have your entire body and soul react to it. It isn’t just how he looks though, it’s who he is and who he’s always been to me. My truest friend.
It feels like there’s a string attached to my heart, and Jack’s got a hold of the other end, and he’s pulling, pulling, pulling. Reeling me in.
“Um...” he says.
I roll my eyes. Oh my god, what? I guess when I texted “I’m going out with the girls” I should’ve said “I don’t want to see you tonight.”
He glances at my shoes and purse on the floor. “You haven’t been drinking again, right?”
I sigh and look at the ceiling. I think about saying, Yes, but don’t worry. I’ve got my membership to AA all lined up. Instead, I say, “No.”
He comes in and shuts the door. I watch him as he comes around and sits on the couch. He looks perfectly serious. So do I.
“Are you going to tell me what last night was about?”
I look back to the ceiling and sigh. I barely remember last night. “What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean. Why’d you drink so much?”
I shrug. “People do it.”
“You don’t.”
“Yeah, well, there’s a first for everything.” Lucky me.