by Ward, Vivian
And when it comes to breaking rules, neither one of us is a stranger to it. We both know what the consequences would be if we were to get caught together, but it hasn’t stopped us yet. While I might’ve once viewed him as a bad guy, I can easily see how he ended up where he is—just like I sometimes think I’m a bad person for doing what I did. It’s amazing how a situation can make someone react.
As good as it felt to talk to Victoria about my past, I haven’t been able to get a wink of sleep. For the last few hours, I’ve listened to Victoria and Lizzy as they both wheeze and cough. They sound awful.
There’s no way that I can send the two of them back down with the other prisoners. I don’t think they’d be able to survive, but I also can’t keep them locked in my room for too long. Surely, someone will notice and I’m sure they’ll question where they are whether it be other convicts or that damn Digby, especially when it comes time for laundry duty.
He’s got to go, but that will have to wait until after I break into the doctor’s office so I can take the medicines Victoria and Lizzy will need. All I’ve thought about since they fell asleep is how I can stage it to look like a convict did it. I’ve never been one to steal but I’d do anything for her and that baby.
I’ve never met anyone as kind and compassionate as Victoria. Even while she’s been locked in captivity, with both her and her baby sick, she was interested in hearing my story and cared about what happened. She wanted to know. She listened, but she could’ve just as easily not given a care in the world.
That’s what makes her so different from other women. She never puts herself first—and the one time she did, she landed herself in jail over it. For simply trying to feed her family. This world’s fucked up. We imprison those who are too poor to feed themselves, we refuse medicine to the sick unless they’re strong enough to survive, and we forbid certain relationships because of our social statuses.
Not that I’m looking for a relationship. I made a vow to myself that I’d never love another woman as long as I live when my wife put me through all the torment, lies, and humiliation.
Had I never met that wench and if I were looking for a good girl—the right girl—Victoria would surely be the one. She’s perfect in every way. Gorgeous, thoughtful, hard-working, brave, and bold.
Just before dawn, I quietly sneak out of my room, careful not to wake Victoria or Lizzy. I have to break into the doc’s office to get those meds before all of the crew and inmates are up, working on deck. Right now, I still have the cloak of night to cover me and the fact that most are sleeping at this hour—even if they are supposed to be on watch.
The freezing deck is icy from tiny droplets of water landing on it during our overnight voyage and the biting cold wind cuts straight to the bone, but I stay on task, focusing on my mission.
Sliding down parts of the narrow passageway as I hold onto the railing to keep me upright, I stop just before turning the corner to the doc’s office. It’s close to the Captain’s cabin, who will no doubt be awake as he navigates us through patches of icebergs.
My heart is pounding and my palms are sweaty because I know the risks.
If I get caught breaking into the doc’s office, there will be hell to pay. Not only is my job on the line, but I could face charges. Once I have the meds in my hand, the danger increases even more. Stealing medication could have me severely lashed, stripped of my title as a Marine, and end up as a convict myself.
And giving the stolen medication to a convict?
I might face death at the hands of the others.
But none of that matters to me as long as Victoria and Lizzy have a fighting chance. I couldn’t live with myself knowing they died because I was too coward to take what they needed. I’d rather be dead than live a life with that on my conscience. This has to be done.
Taking note of the Captain, I watch him closely as he sips piping hot coffee while guiding the ship’s wheel through the icy waters. Craning my neck, I look in all directions for any other officers or Marines who might be on duty.
No one.
How is this possible? When I’ve had night duty, I’m out and about. The lazy wankers don’t have the nuts to battle the cold, that’s what it comes down to, because if it were warm, they’d all be out here, sipping on booze as they laughed and traded bullshit stories. But I’m glad because it’s going to make this task as easy as stealing candy from a baby.
For a moment, as I’m popping the lock on the door, I think of myself as being no better than the rest of the criminals on board but the thought disappears from my mind as quickly as it enters. I am better than these criminals because I’m doing this to save a life—no, I’m doing this to save two lives. There’s not a doubt in my mind that they’d both die without medication with the way their lungs are rattling and how deep their coughs are.
Then I think of something else as I shut myself inside the doc’s office. Victoria and I are two peas in a pod. She stole to save her family—to keep them from starvation and dying of malnutrition. And here I am, stealing to keep them alive.
And I have zero regrets about breaking the law for her.
For them.
Striking a match, I spy the locked medicine cabinet and study the lock to determine the best way to get into it. It’s a heavy-duty one but nothing is going to stop me. No laws, no steel, no metal. Nothing. I’m on a mission and there’s no option to fail because if I do, that means Victoria and the baby will surely die.
I fumble with the lock for a few minutes, trying to be as quiet as possible and then I hear chatter outside the door. Stopping to listen, I can hear a couple of other naval officers asking if the other heard a noise.
Bloody hell.
If they catch me, I’ll have to kill them. There’s no doubt about it. They must die.
“No, I didn’t hear anything,” one of them says.
A pregnant pause passes as I hold my breath before the other officer speaks.
“No, I know that I heard something. Listen,” he says.
I quickly realize that if they try to open the doc’s office door, it’ll open since it’s no longer locked and then the jig is up. I don’t want to kill my fellow officers but I will. Don’t open the door, I think to myself. Don’t make me kill you.
The door rattles for a moment and I’m sure they’re about to burst through it but nothing happens. Time seems frozen as I wait for them to enter but, again, I remain alone.
“I think your ears are playing tricks on you,” one of them says. “There’s no noise.”
Another long pause and then the other officer says, “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. Could’ve been something in the water or maybe the Captain since he’s the only other person up on deck.”
A few seconds later, I hear their feet shuffling away and wait until the sound disappears before I go back to picking the lock. Letting out a deep breath, I grab hold of the heavy steel and continue working on the lock until it finally gives.
The large cabinet doors swing wide open, creaking as they sway outward and I cringe at the noise. I don’t need to give them a reason to come back. Shhhh, I will the doors to silence themselves.
Striking another match, I scan the labels on the bottles, looking for cough syrup and antibiotics. It takes several minutes to find what I need but once I spot them, I grab a couple of bottles of each so they have plenty to last them. I turn to make my way out of the cabin before stopping myself as I think of another possibility.
Once they realize the doc’s office has been broken into, they’ll put someone on duty to watch the door at all times; there’s no question about it. I trek back over to the cabinet and take all of the bottles of cough syrup and half of the antibiotics because if they do what I think they will—and they will—I won’t have a way to get more if they run out. I’d rather they have more than enough medicine rather than too little. The way everyone is crammed together, the illness just passes back and forth, never really going away. I know there’s a good possibility that one or bot
h of them might get it again.
Standing at the door, I listen carefully to make sure no one is on the other side of it before exiting the doc’s office. Once I’m certain the coast is clear, I make my getaway and beeline straight for my room.
Lizzy is still fast asleep, her tiny chest rattling with every breath she inhales, but Victoria is sitting up on the bed, coughing.
“Where were you?” She whispers. “I got worried that we’d been caught.”
“No,” I say, spilling all of the bottles onto the bed. “I snuck out to get you and Lizzy some medicine.”
Her mouth falls open and tears well up in her eyes. “Thank you,” she says, picking up the bottles to look at them. “How’d you get all these?”
“I broke into the doc’s office. You can’t let anyone know that you have these or they’ll confiscate them and you’ll receive a terrible lashing for having them.” I give her a deadpan stare. “Or maybe worse.”
“I can’t believe you risked breaking into the doctor’s office,” she whispers. “You could’ve….”.
“I know,” I say before she can finish her sentence. “Let me get you some water so you can start taking them.”
As I retrieve a glass of water, I think about how she could’ve left when she woke up and saw that I was gone but she didn’t. She could’ve grabbed the baby and snuck back down with the other prisoners.
“Here,” I say, handing her the water.
“How many should I take?” She asks.
“I’m not sure. I’d take at least two with each dose, at least for the first few days until they kick in.”
She swallows the pills and looks at Lizzy. “Thank you so much. I wish I could give some to the baby.”
“Why can’t you?” I ask. “There’s more than enough for both of you. I made sure.”
She gives me a half-hearted smile and laughs. “How is she going to swallow pills? She’s only a year old.”
The idea of her not being able to swallow pills hadn’t crossed my mind. I chuckle, “I suppose you’re right. I hadn’t thought of that.”
Why didn’t I think to see if there were other medicines for the baby? I feel like I failed them until I come up with a quick plan. “Could you crush them up and feed them to her in some soup? She could get them into her system that way.”
“That’s brilliant! Yes, I can do that! But I won’t give her two at a time because I don’t know what they could do to her since she’s so small.”
“I agree with that,” I say. “And for the time being, I want the two of you to stay with me. I doubt the others will notice you’re missing for a while and I want to make sure you have plenty of food, water, and heat.”
“We can’t,” she begins to protest but I stop her by placing my finger over her lips.
“You will. No arguments about it. I’ll sneak some food back here for you and I’ll make sure you’re safe.”
She shakes her head. “No, that’s too dangerous. You could get in serious trouble if we’re caught in your room. The medicine will be good enough, and we have more blankets than the others so we should be able to stay warm.”
Narrowing my eyes, I use a stern voice that commands her attention. “You will stay here and you will not go back down with the others. They’re far too sick for you to be around and if you go down there, all you’ll do is keep passing it back and forth. These are most of the antibiotics so if you run out, that’s it. Going back down there would be a death sentence. Not only for you but Lizzy, too.”
She ponders over my words and as the realization sets in, she knows that I’m right. With a slow nod, she agrees and falls back into my arms as we wrap ourselves in blankets. I will not let her go back down there right now and I’m more than willing to take whatever punishments are handed down to me if it means keeping her and Lizzy healthy and safe.
Matthew is holding true to his word that he’s not letting us leave, at least not until we both feel and sound better. I remember the first time he locked me in his room and how appalled I was, how much I tried to escape. Hell, I tried to kill him!
But things have changed between us. He’s softer and kinder now. I don’t see him in the same light that I once did.
I’ll admit, I was worried about staying in his room at first. Mostly because of the risk of getting caught, but also because I was worried things would feel strained between us.
I was wrong.
We’ve only been in here for a little over a day and it’s been wonderful. In a strange way, we almost feel like a little family. With the way he’s been taking care of us, feeding us, and tending to Lizzy, it’s been nice. Although, I’ve always enjoyed watching him with her. He’d make a great dad.
I hate when he’s gone on duty, though. I miss him when he’s not here. There’s not a lot that the two of us can do while stuck in such a small space, but we talk a lot. I’ve learned so much about him, his life, his interests, and even some of his hobbies. He’s told me about his family and how much he loved his mom before she passed, and how he’d go hunting with his father when he was a boy. Occasionally, he goes home to see his dad but he says it’s hard to see his father aging.
His dad sounds like he was once strong and intelligent—much like Matthew—but now that he’s aged, his mind isn’t all there. He says his dad often forgets his name and just calls him ‘son’, and that he falls a lot. His dad seems weak and frail; both, mentally and physically. The sadness in his eyes when he talks about him breaks my heart. What’s even more heartbreaking is the fact that I may never get to see any of my family again—not if I’m stuck on an island. Stupid Botany Bay. But maybe that’s for the best. I don’t know that I could handle seeing my parents like that. I’m not even sure that I want to know when they die. They say ignorance is bliss, and if that’s true, I’d rather live a lie thinking that my parents are fine and well.
It’s also worrisome to me if someone discovers that we’re missing and comes in and finds us when he’s not here with me. He wouldn’t be here to protect us and I dread thinking about what would happen to us. I know for a fact that they’d strip Lizzy from my arms and I’d receive a severe public lashing immediately. That’d be the first thing that they would do before deciding how to handle a proper punishment. And there’s no way that I’d implicate him in keeping us here. I’d lie and say that I snuck into his room without him knowing, if he were on duty. But if he were here while they caught me in his sleeping quarters, we’d both be in over our heads.
I’d hate for him to get in trouble, especially over me: a convict. As much as I love spending time with him and getting to know him, it also scares me. I know that when we finally reach Botany Bay, he’ll go back for another voyage to bring over more prisoners and I’ll likely never see him again. Not only will I lose his company, but I’ll also lose protection. Matthew is a big, strong man with a commanding presence. No one would dare try to harm Lizzy or me with him around.
Nursing Lizzy, I can’t help but think of how handsome he is. His strong jaw, deep eyes, and muscular body are just about any girl’s dream, I suppose. And I think his eyes seem kinder because I’ve gotten to know him on a personal level and know what he’s been through. I used to find him repulsive and now I don’t. Now, I can’t get enough of him. I want him around us all the time and I want to be with him, physically and figuratively—as a couple.
In the beginning, I was forced to perform sexual acts on him but lately, I’ve been finding myself eager to please him. After finally giving him a chance, I’ve learned that he’s quite experienced in bed. He knows exactly what to do—like he has a road map to my body—and I crave his touch. Thinking about the way he touches me, caresses me, kisses me, and bites me makes me want him even more.
“Mum!” Lizzy says, breaking my thoughts. “Play!”
Glancing at the window as we play, I see that it’s almost nightfall and I know he’ll be back soon which makes my heart beat a little faster. It’s insane how he gives me butterflies but I get them every time
I know he’s about to come through that door. Our time is limited which is why I want to make the most of it while I can.
“Here’s your teddy,” I whisper to Lizzy, handing her a stuffed animal that he managed to snag for her.
Leaving her to play on her own for a bit, I make my way to the sink to try to make myself more presentable for him when he comes in. I start by washing my face, and then my hair. It’s gotten so long that it’s almost unmanageable. I may ask Charlotte or one of the other girls to cut it when it gets a little warmer out. Right now, I need every strand I’ve got to help keep me warm!
While my hair is drying with one of his old t-shirts, I begin washing the rest of my body in the small bowl of water. It feels so good to wash off, almost like I’m a princess. The other prisoners are locked away, beneath the ship, in those filthy, dirty conditions while Lizzy and I get to sleep up here with heat, clean water, and a little better food—and more of it. The way Matthew is jeopardizing everything for us makes me so grateful that I have him.
Other than the way we initially started off, he really is a good guy. He’s lived a hard life and has gone through so much, so it’s difficult to be harsh with him and judge him for the way he behaved in the past. His ex ran him through the wringer and knowing the whole story, I can see why he was bitter towards women.
If I had the opportunity to be with Matthew for the rest of my life, I would do it which kind of scares me. Sometimes I feel naive for thinking the way I do because I already know how abrasive he can be. When he wants to, he can be a complete hardass but then there’s the soft side of him. My mind struggles to make the leap from once hating him to the polar opposite now.
Is it love?
I don’t know, I can’t say for sure. There are too many emotions and variables involved for me to think clearly but I can say that he holds a special place in my heart.