by Ward, Vivian
I’m not trying to glorify Matthew or justify what I did but, in those circumstances, he was our salvation. And when someone cares for you in those ways, you can’t help but develop feelings.
This is what I have to make Henry see. I don’t want him to see me as a whore and I don’t want him to look down on my children. Things will never be the same as they were before, but were they ever that great? Us being poor is what caused us to steal, which led to our arrests and even though we loved each other dearly, I know that deep down, somewhere, we both harbored resentment, regret, and anger. I’m sure that those feelings of his have deepened even further now that I’ve defiled our marriage vows—and this is why I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with it.
After spending the day in the sweltering heat, I’ve managed to wash our clothes, bathe the children—as well as myself—and tidy up our hut. I want us looking our best when I approach him tonight and if things go well, I wanted our home to be somewhat presentable so that he can see I’m still putting forth the same effort as I once did back home.
As the sun begins to melt and pinkish-orange streaks fill the sky, I hear chattering and footsteps as everyone makes their way to the supper hall. It’s not much, just an informal place that a few of the men put together with tables and benches, but it does the job. The smell of cooked fish fills the stagnant air and it makes my stomach roll. Partly because I’m tired of fish—the supply boat didn’t bring nearly enough supplies, so we’ve had to rely on living off the land for the most part—and thinking about talking to Henry makes me nauseous.
Tonight is Charlotte’s turn to serve dinner, among many others as we rotate days and turns, and I hate the fact that she won’t be able to sit with us while we eat tonight because it would be nice to have someone to talk to—to help build my confidence. Smiling at us as we pass through the line, she nods, “Don’t we look nice this evening?”
“Tonight’s the night,” I quickly spit out, keeping my tone low.
Her eyes widen, knowing exactly what I mean. “Do you think you’ll be able to?” She asks.
I nod, giving my shoulders a slight shrug. “I have to.”
“Good luck,” she says, scooping a ladle of soup into Lizzy’s bowl.
Taking the children to a table, I spot Henry sitting among a few of his friends. He pays no attention to his surroundings and we go completely ignored. There are hardly any seats left since it took me so long to carry Jesse and drag Lizzy to the supper hall. I find some space at a table with some members of the other ship, whom I don’t know.
“Do you mind?” I ask, holding Jesse while balancing food in my other hand. I nod at the empty space.
The women ignore me but a few of the men look up, and one in particular smiles wide. “Go on,” he says. His words are friendly but the look in his eyes is pure evil. The way he scans my body up and down puts me on high alert. I think better of sitting beside him but there truly aren’t any other spots left for myself and the children.
Surely, he won’t bother me seeing as though I have two children with me.
“Thank you,” I reply, sitting beside him and patting the seat on my other side for Lizzy to sit. I want her far away from this man.
“Name’s Alan,” he says, extending his hand. Ignoring him, I pretend to busy myself with attempting to get Lizzy settled and begin to nurse Jesse while I eat. His eyes immediately drop to my breasts as he watches me feed my son. Most people would go back to eating their meal but not this guy. He’s fixated on me. “That’s a good lookin’ boy you’ve got there,” he comments.
Trying to cover myself up a bit more, I turn away from him and murmur, “Thank you.”
“How old is he?”
Why does this man insist on talking to me? Just leave me alone!
“Almost six weeks, I reckon.” I keep my answer curt, hoping he’ll take a hint. “It’s hard to say since it’s impossible to keep track of time here.”
“Interesting,” he says, slurping from his bowl. “You’re from the first ship that came, right?”
This man seems to know a lot about me—and I don’t think I like it. Or maybe he knows so much because he’s friends with Henry! Maybe he’s heard him talking about me. Now I’m curious and intrigued. He might have some of the answers that I’ve been wondering about.
“Yes, yes, I did,” I say, turning my attention to him. “And you said your name is Alan?”
“Indeed,” he says, donning his rotten teeth as he grins at me. “And you are?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. My name is Victoria. Victoria Easton,” I add, testing if he knows the last name or not.
“Nice to meet you, Victoria. Where’s the father?” He asks.
I don’t have a good answer for him and I’m not about to explain my situation, so I ignore him. “I’d reckon it’s hard being on your own with two little ones,” he finally says.
I can’t help but notice that his eyes keep dropping to my breasts which makes me feel uneasy. “I have help,” I say. It’s not a complete lie. Charlotte helps me a lot.
“Well, it’s nice to see that you still take time to groom yourself,” he says, scooting closer to me.
This guy is throwing all sorts of creep vibes to me but I want to know if he knows Henry. “Yes, I was going to talk to my husband, Henry, but he’s talking business with a few of his co-workers.” I add Henry’s name into the conversation to see what he’ll say about him and to let him know that I’m married—even though I’m not sure how much weight that holds considering my husband won’t come near me, much less speak to me.
“If Henry’s your husband, why do you stay alone in that hut?” He asks.
Every hair on my body stands on end. How does he know that I live alone? And his response doesn’t give me any information as to whether or not he knows Henry.
“It’s complicated,” I say, keeping a watchful eye on Henry. I’ve never wished he’d look in my direction so bad—not only for acknowledgment, but to get me away from this guy because I’m not sure what his angle is or why he keeps talking to me.
“Rather not say, aye?” He asks, giving me side-eye as though he knows more than he’s leading on.
“No,” I answer.
“It’s fine,” he begins to get up from the table but stops. Leaning down, he stares straight down my cleavage and says, “If you ever need help, just give me a holler.”
Swallowing hard, goosebumps run down my spine—despite the extreme heat—and I look up at him. A devious glint in his eyes tells me that this man is dangerous and I ought to be careful. “Thanks for the offer but I’ll pass,” I reply and turn my attention to Lizzy. “Is your soup too hot, baby?”
As he walks away from the table, I take another look at him and that’s when he looks over his shoulder and winks at me on his way out. Oh, my God, I hope he doesn’t think I was checking him out.
My nerves are unsettled and that’s when I notice how badly I’m sweating. Maybe it’s the heat but, more likely, it’s due to how uncomfortable he made me feel. He put me at complete unease.
But now that I’m alone, I quickly eat and nurse Jesse as Lizzy finishes up her meal while I keep a watchful eye on Henry. I need to catch him alone because it’ll be easier to approach him that way. Lingering at the table, Jesse begins to fuss and I do my best to calm him.
“All done,” Lizzy proudly announces, showing me her empty bowl.
“Good girl,” I say, smiling at her.
A few moments later, Henry gets up from his table and discards his dirty dish before leaving. That’s when I know I’ve got to make my move. Rushing the kids, I do the same and follow him.
“Henry,” I call his name once we’re away from everyone. “Can I have a minute?”
His sad eyes focus on Lizzy before turning to the baby and me.
“Your little one has gotten bigger,” he says, breaking the ice.
A dagger shoots through my heart as he refers to the baby as mine. It’s not ours or his. It is my baby; m
ine and Matthew’s.
“His name is Jesse,” I tell him.
“I know.” My eyebrows raise as the fact that he knows surprises me. “Just because we don’t talk doesn’t mean I don’t listen when others talk about you,” he replies, answering my unspoken question.
I blush and smile at his confession. “Henry, I know that what I did was wrong, but I thought you were….,” my voice trails off. “When you couldn’t be located and we’d lost so many due to the conditions, I thought you were gone.”
He steps closer to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. The weight of his fingers on me nearly crushes my lungs as it’s been so long since he’s touched me. I never thought I’d feel his touch again. First, because I thought he was dead and second because I thought he hated me. Knowing that he still keeps tabs on me brings me a bit of comfort.
“Vic,” he says, clearing his throat. “I’ve given everything a lot of thought and I’m sure you had your reasons but no matter what they are, I can’t wrap my mind around ever touching another person—no matter the circumstances. How you could do it is beyond me.”
My eyes fill with tears as his words cut me like a knife. Even if he thought I was dead, he wouldn’t touch another woman; yet, I seemed to have moved on. Albeit, it wasn’t easy and I didn’t seek out another relationship, it still happened. Everything was so….complicated.
“I’m sorry,” I plead with him, tears rolling down my cheeks. “I want you to know that I never sought out a relationship and it wasn’t easy. It took a lot of thought on my part and he was so good to us and….,” my words fail me. It doesn’t matter what the reasons were, he’ll never understand. What’s the point in explaining?
“Who was it?” He asks.
I’m stunned that he doesn’t know. He knew the name of my baby but not who the father was?
“Officer Matthew Kent,” I whisper, barely able to speak.
“One of the Marines?” His cool, crisp eyes turn fierce as though there’s a fire burning inside them.
“He’s dead now,” I say, and I can tell by the look on his face that he doesn’t believe me. “No, really! He died just before we hit land. There was a terrible accident during one of the storms.”
He turns his attention to Lizzy. “She’s gotten so big. Do you think she….,” his voice grows so quiet that I have to lean in to hear him. “Do you think she remembers me?”
Looking down at Lizzy, I study her to see if she has an inkling of who he is. “I’m not sure,” I lie to spare his feelings. There’s no way she would remember him. “She was so young when we boarded the boat.”
His angry eyes turn soft again and I can tell it chokes him up to know that his daughter doesn’t remember him. “Does she talk much?” He asks.
“She says quite a bit,” I laugh. “She’s pretty sharp, just like you.”
A small smile quickly fades from his lips and he begins to say something but his attention is quickly diverted by one of his friends.
“Henry! We’ve got to get to the supply store!” The man shouts. “Someone has broken in and the officers need our help!”
Knowing that our livelihoods are at risk, he dashes off toward the man as they make their way to the supply store. “We’ll talk later,” he yells back to me.
Even though our conversation was abruptly cut short, I leave feeling a little better. He may be angry with me and hurt by my actions, but he still keeps tabs on the kids and me. Maybe that counts for something; though, I’d like to know why. I want to know if there’s still something to restore between us.
With the recent burglary of the supply store, everyone is up in arms. Everyone is pointing fingers at one another, people are stealing from each other, and the men are acting wild. Random fires are being started all around our small community, men are attacking other men and women, and I’m trying to do the best I can to keep Lizzy, Jesse, and I safe.
All of the yelling and shouting outside is scaring the children, and no matter what I do, I can’t soothe them. Peeking outside of our hut, I see the officers struggling to regain control but the convicts are protesting and resisting orders. A woman runs past my doorway, screaming for help as a man chases after her. No doubt he’s going to rape her. I want to run out to help her but something else catches my eye.
I see him.
Alan.
He’s making a beeline straight for our hut with a wild look in his eyes. The flicker of the fire streaks his face with red and orange lines, making him appear much scarier. I’d like to pretend that he’s coming to check on me, to make sure that we’re okay, but I know he’s not. His eyes lock with mine and his intense features harden.
My heart pounds, feeling like it’ll beat right out of my chest. I know he’s up to no good and have to react quickly.
Breathless, I duck back inside my hut and frantically grab Jesse while snatching Lizzy in my arms and run out of it as fast as I can. After foraging for food, I’ve learned parts of the woods that I think will provide us with hiding so that we can’t be found. Running with a child tucked under each arm, I look behind me and he’s right on our tail.
I try to pick up my pace but it’s near impossible to do while carrying two children as I keep a constant watch of what’s in front of me and try to keep an eye on him. My foot catches a raised tree root that’s sticking right out of the ground, causing me to lose balance. Scared that I’ll drop both of them, I clutch them tighter while I try to upright myself.
“Ah-hah!” He yells, catching me before I fall as he wraps his arms around mine.
“No, please, let me go,” I try to fight.
Snarling laughter escapes his lips as both of the children cry out. “I will as soon as I get what I want,” he says, pulling me close to him, his breath moving my hair as he grunts in my ear.
“Help!” I scream before his hand covers my mouth. Trying to bite and kick him, I do everything I can to fight for my life—our lives.
“Shhh,” he warns me. “You be nice to me and I’ll be nice to you,” he says, lowering all of us to the ground.
Lizzy flails her feet, kicking his arm loose, allowing me to yell for help once again.
His fist quickly connects with my jaw as he shouts, “Shut up, or she’s next,” he growls, pointing to Lizzy.
My baby girl.
I can’t let him touch her, she’s not even two-years-old. Without knowing what his crimes are, I have no idea if he’s a rapist, a child molester, or a murderer—or all of them.
My body freezes as fear sets in and I know that I’d better obey him to protect her. Maybe if I just let him rape me, he’ll leave us alone and she’ll be safe.
“Close your eyes, baby,” I say to Lizzy, choking through sobs. “Don’t look!”
“Listen to your mum! Turn around,” he says, unzipping his pants.
Grabbing her little brother, she clutches him in her arms as she spins around. For being so young, she’s wise beyond her time.
Forcing himself between my legs, my body remains paralyzed, unable to fight. All I can do is pray that he won’t harm my babies if I comply. I squeeze my eyes shut and listen to baby Jesse wail in his crying sister’s arms while he begins to push himself onto me.
“Stay turned around,” I tell her, hoping she’ll listen. I don’t want her to see what’s about to happen.
“That’s good,” he says. “Maybe I’ll suck on those sweet titties and see what that baby enjoys so much.”
“Oh, God,” I cry, vomit rising to my throat.
The head of his cock presses against my entrance and then, in a flash, the weight of his body leaves mine. Scared and shocked, I open my eyes as I choke down the vomit in my throat and see Henry standing over him, beating the ever-loving hell out of Alan.
Leaning over him, he won’t stop punching Alan in the face as he yells obscenities at him. “Don’t you EVER touch my WIFE! You sick fucking bastard!”
When the man becomes unresponsive, Henry stands up and kicks him in the ribs several times. With each b
low, I hear bones breaking as his foot connects with Alan’s side.
The children and I stare at him, still scared and crying. I’ve never seen Henry like this and I don’t know what to think of it.
Realizing that we’re watching him, he stops and looks at us. I blink a couple of times to make sure that this is real. Wiping the blood from his hands onto his pants, he leaves Alan lying on the ground as he walks over to us.
“Are you okay?” He asks, helping me off the ground.
Looking over myself, I examine my clothing. It’s torn to shreds and it was the best dress that I owned. Now it’s ruined and practically matches the rest of my clothes.
“Y-yes, I think so,” I manage to say, sniffling back the tears. “T-t-thank you.”
We look over at the kids, Lizzy still clutching her baby brother in her arms as she cries. It’s the saddest sight I’ve ever seen. Their pale, thin faces are laced with fear and worry.
Wrapping his arm around me, he pulls me close to his side and whispers, “I’d never let anything bad happen to you,” before he scoops up Lizzy and Jesse in his other arm.
My emotions are all over the place and sobs break free as though I’ve been saving them a thousand years. To think that I was almost brutally raped—and possibly Lizzy, too—and that Henry came to save us, is too much for my mind and heart to process. Even after everything, he was still there to protect me—to protect us.
“Let’s get you back home,” he says, leading us back to the hut.
All of us walk in silence as mass chaos surrounds us. It almost feels like an out-of-body experience as I try to take in everything that’s going on. Inside the hut, he helps me get the kids calmed and settled and stays until they’re finally fast asleep.