by Bethany-Kris
Yeah, him either.
Until he did.
Roman rolled her way, pulling her in for another kiss so he could breathe against her smiling lips, “Babe, you just say it.”
Because that was the easy part.
Even if it had terrified him.
He didn’t see this coming.
EIGHTEEN
For the two weeks that they’d been apart and Karine was without Roman, every morning when she woke up, she felt ... okay. Stronger when she meditated. Better. Clear-headed; willing to face the world.
Just good.
Today was no different, except that she had woken up in Roman’s arms and there was nothing quite like the contentment burrowed deep in her chest when she found he was still asleep as she blinked her eyes open. Strong sunlight filtered in through the thin silk curtains that barely shielded the window, haloing the hard lines of his profile that relaxed just enough in his sleep to make him appear boyish. She stared at him sleeping, watching the slow rising and falling of his chest, his steady breaths assuring that he was nowhere near ready to leave his dreams.
Even if she might want him to.
How could she not, though?
The ache between her thighs, a pleasant reminder that she didn’t mind, was a damn good reason for her to wake him up. Still, she didn’t.
Instead, her mind drifted to the night before, and the words he’d spoken into existence. He made it real.
I love you.
There was no way to stop the smile creeping over her lips as that memory took center stage in her mind. If she were honest, Karine might say she had been in love with Roman—infatuated, really—from almost the moment they met. Every single moment, word, or touch between the two since had simply dragged her deeper into what she thought could only be a fantasy.
Until he made it reality.
Before last night, she didn’t have anyone to confess her feelings about Roman to. No matter how innocent, or confusing, they might have been, there was no one to help her make sense of it all. Masha wouldn’t have approved—Karine knew it without even broaching the subject with her. She was here only for Karine because she would do anything for her. Not because she actually wanted to be here, or even because she trusted Roman or the rest of his family.
That was the one thing Masha had made abundantly clear through her reserved comments on and off. Sometimes, she forgot that Karine wasn’t as checked out as she used to be without a steady supply of medication. It was easy for Masha to think Karine wasn’t always listening.
She listened too much, now. It wasn’t like she had a choice. Regardless, the truth was out there.
Real.
Karine had to keep telling herself that—keep reminding herself that had really happened.
He said he loved her. She told him the same.
But what does that mean?
It was the one thought that wouldn’t leave her mind the longer she stared at the sleeping man next to her. For them—for the future, when all of this was gone, if it even was—what did it mean? It was a question she didn’t have an answer for. One of many, and that was just something new for Karine to obsess over.
Unanswered questions were the worst kind.
The most dangerous for her.
He’d be leaving soon. Again. What was going on that kept Roman away? He might not have specifically mentioned it—when he would head out again—but he still would. She doubted they would have very much time together.
As the minutes ticked past, she grew anxious in the sheets, restless in the silence with only her screaming thoughts to keep her company. It was only a faint echo of what it used to be before she started working with Michelle—but it was still there all the same.
They were still there.
Karine had to force herself to remain still lest she wake Roman up, because God, what then? Would he know something was wrong just by looking at her?
She didn’t want that.
Not right now.
Settling on a long walk in the woods, and her morning meditations somewhere new, Karine figured she just needed a second alone. Those were the only things that helped calm her lately, but she still didn’t want to leave Roman’s side. Not knowing when their time together would end again only made it worse.
Every step she took away from the bed was harder, but she kept going. It was something else that she had to keep reminding herself—she trusted him. She did. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.
She believed those things to be true.
Absolutely.
But how long was she supposed to trust him blindly?
All their lives?
Just because he told her he loved her, didn’t mean they were bound to each other forever. Certainly not the way Dima had bound himself to her the first opportunity he got. Karine shuddered as she slipped out of the bed.
She needed some air.
• • •
Roman was already up and out of bed when Karine returned to his bedroom. She’d truly lost track of time, and wasn’t sure how long she’d been out walking in the woods. One of the bulls had, of course, jumped to follow her at a distance that didn’t feel like an invasion of her personal space.
She was never truly alone, and that was for the best. Even she wouldn’t trust herself if she was actually alone. Not when Katina’s voice had started to become a bit vindictive whenever she made herself known to Karine. Even the smallest things—like Karine being hesitant to take a new trail in the woods—would have her alter hissing taunts and threats of doing it myself.
Karine never thought she would admit it, but she did feel safer to know someone was nearby. Even if it was just a bull.
The bed was empty when she walked through the door. The sound of the running shower echoed from the bathroom.
By the looks of the bag by the door, which was left exactly where Roman dropped it yesterday—only now, it was left open with dirty clothes haphazardly tossed inside—she got the feeling it was time. Their little tryst was coming to an end. Even though she trusted it was only temporary, it still stirred all those feelings of unease in her again. The loud ring of abandonment clanged inside her heart with every beat.
Nearly impossible to ignore ...
Karine tried.
She sat on the bed, at the very edge, waiting for him to emerge from his shower. Roman eventually stepped out of the bathroom with damp hair and a towel wrapped around his waist. His perfectly chiseled body, streaked with the remaining drops of water that had fallen from his hair, at least gave her something to admire.
Karine would have given anything to pull him back into bed—to be underneath him while she felt the heavy pressure of him above her. Surrounding her. Keeping her warm and safe. Alive.
She didn’t say anything. Not about those pesky worries and questions, or the fact that his open bag at the door said he was leaving. He was going to go, that was that, and she wouldn’t beg him to stay.
That would hurt him, too.
She didn’t think he wanted to say no.
He still would.
A sexy smirk lingered on his handsome face when he found her there. Silently, he picked up the fresh clothes where he’d left them on a dresser, and started pulling the items on.
“I heard you went for a walk,” he finally said.
“You hear everything.”
“I make it one of my priorities to know you’re safe, that’s all.”
Karine played with the edges of the sheets absentmindedly, keeping her gaze downturned because she didn’t want him to see the sadness staring back.
It was happening again.
That bleakness she’d been trying so hard to fight all morning came back with a vengeance, and right after they had such a good night together, too. What was wrong with her—what more could she want?
“Karine.”
At first, she didn’t act like she’d heard him. She did, though. She heard him too well, and the concern lingering there.
Roman cleared his th
roat, saying only, “Is something on your mind you want to talk about?”
In a blink, she tipped her head up and smiled at him, forcing the happiness on her face. Nothing about the way she felt right now made her want to smile, but learned habits were hard to break.
“No, it’s not that. I’m fine, really.”
Roman didn’t look like he believed her. “I have to leave. I shouldn’t even really be here—we’re supposed to stay apart for a reason, Karine. It makes you harder to find.”
She nodded because she understood. Not because she agreed, though. Those were two very different things.
“Is that what’s bothering you?” The question came as he did up his belt, moving a step and then two towards her. “Or is it something else? You’ve got that ... sad, faraway look. Is it something else?”
Karine looked up at him sharply. “Like what?”
“I just ... shit, Karine. I’m not good at this. Talking, you know? Well, you don’t tell me a lot of things, I guess. About your past, but I wonder if you think about it more than you let on. Like the things that must have happened to make you—”
“Crazy?”
The sharpness in her tone didn’t even make him hesitate before interjecting, “You know I wouldn’t say that. You’re not crazy. Nobody thinks you’re crazy, babe. Come on, now.”
Yeah, she did know.
Still ...
It was the only way to keep him—and everyone else—away from that topic of conversation. It wasn’t one she was ready to have, by any means.
Karine sighed, willing the heat to take the edge off her voice as she told him, “As long as the past stays where it belongs, it’s better if we don’t talk about it.”
“I don’t want you to feel like you should be hiding something from me.” Finally close enough to touch her, he did just that, spreading his palms around her face, making her look up at him. While he searched her eyes, she tried her best to hide whatever truth he was trying to find in her eyes. “Anything, Karine.”
“I’m not hiding anything from you, I just don’t want to talk about it. What good is going back—there’s nothing I want there, Roman.”
Nothing good happened there.
“And that is exactly what I’m trying to do—for you and me both.”
Right.
It was just her insecurities that said different.
He kissed the top of her head, lips lingering for a second or two, and tenderly stroked her cheeks with his thumbs. For a second, she was able to close her eyes and pretend like the rest didn’t exist. And well, even if it did ... none of it mattered.
Not like this.
Not with him.
Of course, it couldn’t last long.
“I should go say goodbye to Ma before I leave. I’ll see you outside in a bit?”
She nodded, pulling his hand up to her mouth so she could kiss his fingertips. It was the way he watched her hold on to his hand for a pause too long, unwilling to let go at first, but his patience to wait helped her to do it in the end.
Then, Roman walked to the door, and stepped out into the hallway after snatching up his bag.
All the while, Karine ignored the clawing urge in her chest to spill every secret she had locked up tight—if only to make him stay.
She wished she could tell Roman everything, but it just wasn’t that easy. She couldn’t. Wouldn’t.
Karine couldn’t actualize her past when parts of her still hadn’t come to terms with it in the first place. How was she supposed to expose him to it when she really hadn’t faced it herself?
She expected to hear Roman walking down the hall. Instead, she heard Masha’s voice, intercepting him in the hallway. Their conversation was muffled only slightly, but not enough to hide exactly what was being said between them.
Then, Masha’s tone raised.
“You can’t keep her here forever. This is not the life she deserves to have.”
“What, like the one she had was better? At least, I’m trying to do what’s best for her. I’m going to keep doing exactly that, too. Whatever it takes to keep her safe; whatever she needs.”
“Keep her safe from what? What are you doing to protect her?”
It wasn’t at all like Masha to speak the way she did to Roman. Whatever had been bothering the woman must have finally pushed her to the edge if she was willing to take liberties now that she’d never allowed herself in the past.
Karine stood from the bed, and moved towards the door. She considered stepping outside the room to end the conversation, but Roman’s next words stopped her from doing so.
“I’m not in a position to discuss the details with you or her right now.”
“Sure,” Masha said dryly. “Do you realize you’re doing exactly what they did to her? What you’re pretending to rescue her from is no different than what she’s doing here—the prison and the guards simply have a new look, Mr. Avdonin.”
“They were keeping her captive. I’m protecting her here.”
Masha didn’t sound affected by the harshness of Roman’s reply when she said back, “Hiding her. The reason might be different, but the result is still the same, no?”
He must have pushed past her after this because then there was sudden silence and the beat of footsteps against the hardwood floor. Karine’s heart quickened in her chest, and she struggled to find something to say or think—even if only to settle her feelings—but nothing quite worked.
Not even when Masha eventually stepped into the room. Karine still stood near the door, feeling foolish and looking the same, she imagined. Not that Masha said anything about it.
“I was looking for you everywhere,” Masha said, her tone far more subdued than it had been with Roman in the hall. “I swear, whenever he’s here ... I should already know where to find you, I suppose.”
When Karine didn’t reply, Masha’s stare hardened as she searched her eyes. It didn’t take her long to figure out that Karine had heard everything.
Masha’s nostrils flared, her neck turning a splotchy red in embarrassment, words cracking when she implored, “They tell us nothing, Karine. We know nothing. Don’t you want to know what’s going on?”
Karine shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve spent my whole life not being told anything. I’m used to this—so are you, remember? It never bothered you before.”
Because that was the thing.
Masha seemed to forget it.
• • •
The bottom step of the porch became Karine’s perch as she watched Roman load the trunk of his car with his bag and a few other things. Claire wanted him to take some of the leftovers from last night back to Demyan, but that had been a while ago when she ran back into the lodge to prep the food.
She found it harder to ignore the sinking sensation in her heart while he readied to leave.
The illusion of them being alone was created well—she still wasn’t foolish enough to think they weren’t being watched. A bull keeping an eye on things, or Masha sneaking a peek through the curtains. Maybe even Claire, too.
Not that anyone interrupted.
Roman left the car door open, and returned to where she sat. Karine did her best to hold back the tears threatening to fall when he rested beside her on the step.
“It’s scary.”
“What is?” he asked.
“This ... thing with us. Love. I was so happy yesterday when you came back, and now I’m so sad I can barely feel anything at all. I’m just numb. Way deep down, Roman. Numb. That’s exhausting, isn’t it?”
She certainly thought so.
“But it won’t always be, babe.”
While she stared ahead, Roman kept his eyes on her—examining her for cracks, Karine was sure. She dared to peek over at him, then, and he offered her a shrug that earned him a small smile in return.
“I’m sorry that we’re in a tricky situation, and I don’t want to leave you, Karine.”
“But you will leave.”
“And I will be
back. That’s how it works.”
Right.
That’s how this works.
“It’s hard to think about what will come in the future when I’m still figuring out how to live in the present,” she admitted.
“I know.”
She turned to him and he took that opportunity to lean in to kiss her. Their mouths met, lips closed, soft and lingering. Every beat of her heart ached when he pulled away. He gave her chin a quick, loving squeeze and stood up.
“Take care of yourself, beautiful.”
“Call me?”
Roman winked. “As soon as I can, you know it.”
Karine didn’t stand up to watch him leave, but she did wave when he gave her one last look at the end of the path. Roman got in his car, and she was stuck staring at fading tail lights until they could no longer be seen. Karine still hadn’t moved. Not even when she heard Masha’s footsteps coming to a halt a few steps above her.
“What happens when he finds you? You know he’s looking for you,” she said.
If she’d been stabbed and her lungs punctured, it would have felt the same as Masha’s words. Karine quickly lost her air at the mention of Dima, not that Masha had been clear who she meant. She also didn’t need to.
Karine knew.
All too well.
“I don’t want to think about any of that right now,” she murmured. “Besides, Roman will keep me safe. I believe him.”
Masha walked down the steps until she stood across from Karine down below, forcing her to stare at the woman’s face.
“You made a promise,” Masha continued, but the sternness she tried to keep didn’t hide the quivering of her bottom lip as she fought to maintain her composure. “You accepted his proposal. That kind of pact lasts a lifetime. I know you’ve been afforded a level of ignorance, Karine, but that’s not going to fly anymore. You have to start thinking about the consequences of certain actions here. Haven’t you thought about it at all?”
What?
Karine met Masha’s stare, saying slowly, “It’s not like I had a choice. I couldn’t exactly refuse his proposal. It was forced on me. You know this, Masha. You were there. You think I wanted to marry him?”