“I’m sorry I made you come. I really thought getting you out to have some fun would make you feel better. Challenging you to a pool game and her make-out fest just to torture you was evil, even for Bernadette. She’s been jealous of you since the day you showed up at school.”
I turned the knob on the grimy faucet, splashing some water on my face, looking at my pale complexion in the warped mirror that had half of it broken clean off at one time, leaving dangerously rough edges jutting up.
“I think I just had too much to drink.” She raised her eyebrow at me, knowing that wasn’t the cause of my sudden nausea. “I know I shouldn’t have ever let her get to me, but I lost the one person that ever made me feel the way he did to that evil bitch. Even if he is acting like I don’t exist, I still can’t help but love him.”
“Oh honey...” She rubbed my back sympathetically. “Trust me, I know how happy you two were together. This whole situation is just as confusing to the rest of us as it is to you…well, I mean at least the illusion they are all seeing on the outside. But I know the truth behind the scenes, and it still baffles the hell out of me. Do you want me to tell Sully to take you home?”
I shook my head. Dabbing my face with a stiff paper towel. “No, I’m going to step outside for a few minutes and get some fresh air. Just tell him I needed some time alone.”
“I gotcha covered, babe.”
I left the bathroom and was able to sneakily slip out the front doors without drawing any attention to myself. It was snowing again but the cold, wet snowflakes felt good on my skin that was burning up more from adrenaline than the alcohol.
Each white fluffy flake that landed on any part of exposed skin quickly melted, leaving drops of precipitation behind. I wasn’t sure how long I had been walking, but sometime later I found myself in front of the arched gates to Hanover cemetery.
I stood staring in through the looming black wrought iron bars that appeared to be keeping the fog that rolled in nightly from the surrounding forest, mainly encased inside; further making the gnarled naked trees, rows of weathered marble slabs, and towering statues seem much more eerie than they already were on a normal night.
Why had I walked here of all places? I certainly should be terrified of this place -and underneath my anger from earlier I was- but maybe that’s what brought me here in the first place. The need to do something rash and unpredicted; something that took me out of my comfort zone, and made me feel something other than the hate, jealousy, or resentment that was filling me to the point of breaking.
Maybe I needed to feel fear! Fear could substitute any other sad pathetic emotion I was wallowing in and completely devour every inch of my body with nightmarish pins and needles. Tonight was obviously the night to take numerous trips down memory lane. Pushing the gate that was already half cracked open, I stepped inside. Visions of Xander’s final hours began to dance around in my head as I walked farther and farther into the sea of death.
I could still smell the blood, death, and violence in what was left of Gorman’s tomb. Dalton’s devilish voice replayed inside my mind. The wooden door had been burned to a crisp, but there were no other remnants inside to give away to any residents of what had actually went on in here.
The local authorities attributed it to vandalism and were keeping their eyes out for any unusual suspects. They’d never find what they were looking for. I touched the wall where the demonic sea of black entities had been; still hearing their screams as though it were yesterday.
“Going back to the past isn’t going to take the pain away. You shouldn’t be here Adelay.” I turned around to Xander’s ghost standing behind me. He was so beautiful, so innocent. He didn’t deserve what happened to him. “What are you trying to find coming back here?”
Honestly, I didn’t know, but something had brought me here. Then as though everything became suddenly clear, I knew what I was looking for.
“I’m looking for my life that has been stripped away from me, the amazing love I lost, the innocence I…that you and I both once had…but most of all Xander, I’m looking for you! I’m looking for my best friend. I need you more than I ever have, and I need you because I can’t have you back. I can’t touch your skin, and know you are here with me. I can’t expect your annoying morning call before school to bitch at me for not waking up. You’re dead Xander, and you’re dead because you were friends with me. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
“Oh, Adde. I am here with you the only way I can be. I’ll never truly be gone.” He touched my tear streaked cheek, compassion showing strongly in his large almond shaped eyes.
“And to add more to the struggle, I see the man I love everyday single day. He’s like a star you can see shining so brightly right there in front of you, seems so close you can just reach out and touch it with your fingertips; but when you try it’s impossible. No matter how hard you try you just can’t. No matter how bad you want it, it continues to stay just out of your grasp. Maybe I came back here hoping something would take me too, and my misery would be gone.”
“Please don’t cry, Adde. What’s done is done. There’s no going back to the past, there is only the future. If it’s meant to be then something will bring you guys back together. Don’t ruin something that is right now for something that used to be.”
He kissed my cheek as he dissipated, leaving me alone once again. I walked away from Gorman’s tomb feeling more lost than ever. Maybe what Davin and I had wasn’t true love. Maybe his feelings for me were all just an illusion and that’s why he had moved on so easily while I continued to torture myself by continuing to love him so much.
It was snowing much heavier now as I made my way through the tangled maze of gravestones. My hair was a sopping wet mess by the time I made it back to the cemetery entrance. Sully was leaned against his shiny black Mustang with his hands inside his pockets, waiting patiently for me to come out. His midnight blue eyes sparkled against the contrast of glittery snow underneath the sliver of moonlight. I collapsed into his open arms, burying my face against him.
He tenderly stroked my drenched hair, not caring that it was soaking through his shirt. “Come on princess, let’s get you home.”
I had just changed out of my dripping wet clothes, slipping into some baggy sweats and a tank top when there was a gentle rap at my bedroom door.
“Come in,” I called out mousily. I already knew it was Sully before he poked his head in because my parents were gone for the weekend again, and I was starting to like having him here when they were away. It made the house not seem so lonely.
“I’m going to turn in for the night. Are you doing okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah I’m pretty tired, too.”
“Alright then…” He paused. “Sleep well, Adelay.”
“Goodnight Sully.”
Over an hour later, and I was still lying restless and wide-awake in my bed. According to my clock -with its fluorescent green numbers seeming extra bright, as though taunting me with each passing minute that I was unable to fall asleep- it was a little past two am. Oz purred away, sound asleep against my side, only opening one eye when I sat up, climbing out of bed. The cool floorboards creaked underneath my bare feet in the dark hallway.
The door to the guest bedroom was slightly ajar, emitting the lamp's soft yellow glow from inside; so, I knew Sully was awake too. I crept closer, gently pushing the door open the rest of the way, hoping I wasn’t invading his privacy. He was lying there, eyes towards the ceiling with his arms crossed comfortably behind his head, only wearing loose black pajama bottoms, revealing his incredibly cut chest and stomach that was always hidden underneath his shirt.
Every muscle was defined all the way down to where his pants hung low on his hips. He was so unbelievably sexy, replicating an Armani underwear model. He looked surprised to see me standing there gawking at him like a kid in a candy store.
“What’s wrong, princess?” He sat up, looking truly concerned.
I sheepishly looked down fumbling o
n my words. “I uh…I can’t sleep. Can I um…”
He lifted the covers for me to climb in next to him. His body was cold through my clothes just like Davin’s had always been. They both carried a steady chill, never warming up more than a few extra degrees.
“Why did you come for me tonight?”
“Because you needed me. Why did you go to the cemetery?”
I paused for a moment, taking a deep breath and feeling foolish for why I had gone. Nothing else made any sense anymore; so, this didn’t have to either.
“I was looking for something to take me away from everything. I wanted to feel an emotion other than sadness, something like heart-clenching fear to make me forget and remember that I am able to feel much more than heartbreak. Fear is a much better feeling than what I have been drowning in for weeks.”
“Did you find it?”
I shook my head. “I guess what I mainly am beginning to question, is whether Davin ever really loved me. I want to know how he was able to move on so fast, and act like I never meant anything to him.” Davin made me so angry; yet, I still felt guilty running to Sully, his own flesh and blood, with all my woes.
“I can’t speak for Davin’s actions, but I know he loves you and he’s hurting just as much as you are. He may not show it the way you want but believe me when I say he is. We are vampires; we don’t show our weaknesses and emotions to the world the way humans do. We suffer silently.”
“But why Bernadette, the girl I hate the most?”
“He has to try moving on, and if spending time with Bernadette is what will help him then he’s going to do just that.”
I suddenly felt bad for even talking to Sully about Davin. He had confessed his love to me, and I had been so self-absorbed in my own troubles, never stopping to consider how any of this affected him. The woman he loved was crying to him over someone else.
“I’m sorry, Sully; I’ve been so selfish. Maybe I should ask how you’re doing through all of this?”
“How I feel isn’t important right now. I am here to help you when you need me, in any way you need. You’ll come to me, letting me into your heart when you are ready, and that’s when we’ll worry about how I feel.”
His muscles tensed in all the right areas when he moved, looking so devilishly tempting. His stature was comparative to that of a sophisticated implied nude model, just like a picturesque canvas that made you feel naughty simply by looking at it. An irresistible urge to kiss him, an urge of wanting to taste his beauty, unexpectedly struck me. I gently touched his pale cheek running my fingers through the ends of his hair that curled up behind his ears. He closed his eyes leaning close to my ear.
“You’re not betraying him by confiding in me,” his hushed voice reassured me.
And then, before I could say anything to him, his lips were on mine, adding to the thirst that was lurking inside of me waiting to be quenched. I couldn’t resist the alluring invitation to return his chilly, but heated, kiss. Instantly rousing temptation took over, stirring an ache from somewhere deep inside of me that wanted to discover more of what secrets and passion he kept hidden so well from view.
When our lips separated, I opened my eyes to his beautiful pale face only a mere couple inches from mine; smelling the natural tinge of cinnamon on his breath as he breathed in and out, hungry for more.
Desire burned deep in his dark sapphire eyes as he tenderly kissed down my neck then traced the cold trail left behind from his lips, back up to my mouth. My mind had finally gone numb to any other disheartening sentiments, making it impossible to think of anything else tonight so that I wanted more than to experience being with him right here, right now.
I kept my lips pressed against his, teasing his tongue with mine, aggressively pulling him closer and closer to me, breathing him in with each kiss. Finally, when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, he eagerly began positioning his body over mine, showing the defined cuts in his toned stomach flexing when he moved as he strategically removed parts of our clothing. Deep indentations from every muscle were prominent underneath my fingertips when I ran my hands down his back.
Smoothing his thumb across my lower lip, he looked intently into my eyes, as if searching for some sign of reassurance that this was what I really wanted. My lip quivering underneath his finger was enough validation of my readiness for him to go on. The softness of his cool lips touched mine once again, before he confidently pushed himself against me, instantly filling me with a foreign sense of pure raw carnal pleasure.
Suddenly, it was as though I couldn’t get enough of him. Immediately I shuddered, impulsively digging my nails into his back; that seemed to send him through the roof when I did. No matter how close we were right now, my body still wasn’t close enough to his so I pulled him into me harder and rougher, digging my nails into him deeper and deeper till I could feel traces of thick liquid beneath them, knowing I had drawn blood, but we didn’t stop. Our bodies stayed in perfect sync with each movement, each caress, and each kiss.
A feverish heat unexpectedly rose up, filling every inch of my skin, hot blood coursing through all my veins, covering every part of me in its mysteriously painless burn. I opened my eyes to us both encased in the unknown white light that had healed us, and ultimately bound us forever. The aura glowed brighter with every passing minute that we succumbed to the heat of passion.
It wasn’t until we were finished, and I lay there against his cool chest while he ran his fingers through my sweat damped hair, that I realized just how much I had been yearning to feel the emotional and very physical affection from another person. Not just any person, but one who undoubtedly loved me. Davin had always been that person to me, but it was time to move on from that chapter. As much as it hurt, it was time to start my life without him in it.
I fell asleep in Sully’s arms, thinking I had figured out all of my problems. I only hoped my self-assurance was going to last into the morning. For now, I was choosing to believe the former.
CHAPTER NINE
Each month passed, bringing winter into full effect to Hanover. I flew back to Highlands Ranch, Colorado with my parents to visit my sister Gwen for the holidays. During a night of Christmas shopping at the 16th St. Mall in downtown Denver, I told her a little bit about what I was planning on doing once I graduated.
She was a free spirit and responded with a: “Go with your heart, forget what Mom and Dad think! Besides, I will have a great place to visit on my off time.”
I failed to mention the real reasoning behind me having to leave; that love wasn’t the actual driving force; but it still made me feel better knowing that the support from someone was there if needed. I didn’t predict it would go over as smoothly when I broke the news to my parents.
Sully and I continued to get closer, while Davin and I continued to be nothing more than a distant memory. There were many nights I dreamt he visited me in my room, pulled me into his arms, and assured me that everything would be okay, and that we were both free to start our life together like we had planned. Right before his kiss touched my lips, I would wake up to nothing more than an empty room, and a deep ache in my heart.
Every day I hid the hurt, burying it so far inside of me where no one could see it beneath the surface of my fake smile and invisible tears. Sometimes keeping up the charade threatened to crumble right before everyone’s eyes, but I refused to let that happen no matter if it killed me in the process.
Winter passed, and the school year had come to an end, which meant leaving Hanover and my life that had started over new –twice- was nearing its time. I had had months of preparation to tell my parents about my relocation with the Ashford’s that included many nights of reciting in the mirror what I was going to say, as to my decision to leave them behind. But when the time to tell them finally came, everything I had trained my brain to say miraculously vanished, leaving an empty loss of words in my mouth.
Graduation day was over earlier this afternoon, and I was sitting in my living room with Sully about to he
ad to the after-graduation party at The Cell. I hadn’t been there since the last time when Gretchen was forced to find out what the Ashford boys really were, and what gave them their unnatural beauty that was envied by most. Thankfully, the werewolf problem had been extinguished since then; but I still had reservations about going there again.
We sat in my living room, listening to my mother go on about a dinner she was preparing for tomorrow night as her own little graduation celebration for us. I was tuning her out, struggling to get enough courage to tell her and my dad what I had come in here to say. All the many nights of rehearsing seemed to have just flown out the window, leaving my mind drawing a complete blank.
Sully put his hand on my leg, giving it a soft squeeze as a gesture that said, “You can do this.”
Wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans, I cleared my throat that had become quite dry. “Um, Mom…” I cut her off mid-sentence. “I need to talk to you and Dad.”
“Adelay I was in the middle of talking. Can’t it wait a minute or two?”
I shook my head. “No Mom, it’s important; I need to tell you and Dad something.”
Her eyes instantly looked panicked. “Oh my God Adelay, are you pregnant? Please don’t tell me you’re pregnant!”
“What? No, Mom! Can you just get Dad in here please?”
She was clearly worried now, and on high alert that I needed them both in here. She nodded, calling out to my father who was in the kitchen. “Adam, could you come in here please?”
He had caught the strange tone in her voice, curiously coming into the living room. “What’s wrong, Ophelia? Are the kids not going for your big dinner idea?” He smirked.
She didn’t say anything; she only signaled her eyes towards me, implicating it was me that needed him in here. I swallowed the huge lump that formed in my throat, preventing me from spilling my guts.
Courage was so much easier when you were only talking to yourself in the mirror. Shit, I didn’t know if I could do this! But it was too late; I had their attention. There was no turning back now.
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