by A E Gamrat
“Or…” she says.
I'm waiting for what is going to come after “or” when I notice her cheeks grow some color. What possibly could come after “or” that would embarrass her, get her riled up?
My feet take a step toward her, urging her to say the next few words. I’m not a greedy man; if she wants to sit on the curb, I will sit until my ass goes numb. If going home and calling me on the phone makes her happy, that’s what I would do. That scenario is not one to make me happy, but it's not about my happiness. It’s about Gin’s.
I give her my best reassuring smile, and it must work because she smiles brightly back at me. “Or we can drive back, and we can walk along the streams.”
“Seriously? Like what kind of stream? In your backyard?” Where in the hell does she live? Her parents’ home is not along a stream, but in a gated community. Fort Knox style and all.
“You sound very excited and skeptical about my stream.” She raises an eyebrow, challenging me to dispute her stream, as she calls it.
We are going to go check this stream out right away. There is no shock in her expression when I drag her toward my car, just pure excitement. She can show me everything of hers, and I plan on making sure she is completely comfortable.
Chapter Seven
Many years ago, Lou came home from a sleepover and talked nonstop about this cool stream his friend’s dad took them to. He didn’t stop talking about it for weeks, so finally one afternoon I gave in, got the directions to this place, and off the three of us went.
I was never considered an outside kind of girl, but as soon as we found it, we all fell in love with the beauty of the land. When I was asked what I wanted out of the divorce, there was no thought or second-guessing. I wanted a house built on a part of that stream.
The shocked expressions on the lawyers’ faces match the shocked look Silver has on his face right now gazing out over my deck. Satisfaction always fills me up when the looks of surprise cross their faces while checking my house out. All the rights I had going into the divorce should’ve had me in a house quadruple this size. Every new, high-tech gadget known to man should be in my house. But that was my old life. This right here, right now is MY life.
Every single wildflower bordering my house was planted by me. The potted plants, hanging baskets, and welcoming signs were put in place by me. Well, Lou did help a few times because drilling into concrete isn’t my forte, and he wants to take care of his mom.
“I’m not exactly sure what to say.” Silver’s voice pulls me from my thoughts. He’s still looking out over the side of the deck, shaking his head at my scenery. We stare in silence for a few more beats. I’ve been in this house approximately two and a half years, and my mind is still blown over my backyard. We are close enough to the river to hear the rushing water and close enough to touch some of the trees. It’s my personal fairytale back yard.
“None of this is what I was expecting.”
My eyes travel back over toward his voice, and instead of him gazing outward, he’s looking dead straight at me. The world stops as our eyes lock, taking my breath away. I want him so bad, it physically hurts, zapping all logical, coherent thoughts away and leaving illogical drunk ones behind. One look and I want him to stay forever, and the next second I want to tell him to leave.
Losing the comfortable bubble I've created for myself over the last few years is still very scary. My mama didn’t raise no weak-minded woman, but the thought of my bubble bursting makes me want to curl up in a ball. The plan once I was on my own was to let someone through my bubble for a few hours. Letting someone burst it was never in the cards. This house, this new life, was all for me, myself and I. A new permanent man was not in my new plans.
“Most people are shocked when they see the view.” The easy truth should bring him back to the now and calm my racing heart. Never in person have I’ve ever seen a starry gaze from a man. Since we’ve arrived at my house, Silver hasn’t looked another way yet. My heart can only take so many looks from Silver before it bursts.
He leans over, resting his elbows on the deck side, taking a breather for himself. I swear his arms look bigger when he purposefully rocks on them back and forth. The muscles contract and dance, begging to be touched and massaged. Never in my life have I been with a man who has hard, coiled muscles for arms. God only knows what his abs and legs look like. These are the kinds of muscles you see in pictures and on TV, never in real life. My mouth is salivating over him. Drool is practically seeping through my tightly closed lips.
Out of nowhere he turns toward me with an unexpected, serious look in his eyes. “We are not talking about who has seen this view.” His possessive tone is mind-numbing. My heart is beating even faster now, and I’ve lost all conscious thought. I want to roll onto my back submissively and let him rub my belly, showing him what a good girl I am.
What is this man doing to me? These feelings are coming hard and fast, scaring the absolute shit out of me. In an afternoon he’s made me feel more adored than I ever felt in my twenty years of marriage, even longer including meeting and dating.
“Not too many people have seen it. Only a handful and mostly girls,” I razz back. Showing my cards on day two is not going to happen. I can’t help wanting to play and banter back and forth. Watch his hackles rise at the thought of other men being here and or in my life. He would be so disappointed if he really knew how lonely my life has been and the lack of male attention I’ve truly had. “I absolutely love it out here. This is my forever home. Life has been crazy. I deserve some peace and quiet now.” I lean on the railing, mirroring him. “Me time,” I whisper.
“I completely understand that, but this seems so out of character. Woods, simple house and simple decorations.” He shakes his head at the absurdity of it all. “I bet you are going to tell me you do your own laundry.”
“Well…now it’s not going to be a surprise. I do the dishes too.” My mother still can’t get over these mundane tasks I do for myself. One morning a cleaning service showed up informing me my mother paid for a whole year. I told them to keep the money and have a free hour for themselves. Mom thought that was a very sweet gesture, but still made sure I was feeling okay. “Oh, and let’s not forget vacuuming and taking out the trash.”
“Bet you have bags and bags full of garbage weekly?” he cheekily says, nudging his shoulder into mine. Our shoulders touching has my mind going blank for a second. I crash and need a reboot every time we touch.
Thankfully I remember the conversation after the reboot. “And I heft those bad boys all on my own.”
Our playful banter moved our feet closer together. We are practically toe to toe, facing each other, while laughing at all the chores I do for myself. Never have I felt so comfortable with someone I barely know. We are not old friends, barely even acquaintances, and it feels like we’ve played this scene out over and over throughout our lives.
My marriage never had this comfortable feel to it. Girls and boys I grew up with were superficial and uptight. Life was never this comfortable outside of my family. In our world status is everything. No wonder why Silver stayed away.
Louis never liked how our world treated each other early on. Why I fell for him. Strange to think back on the person Louis was and how he turned out to be. What keeps me up at night is if all of it was fake from the very first time we met.
Out of nowhere, Silver’s fingertips have made their way toward the ends of my hair, pulling me from my morbid thoughts. They are so close to brushing through my strands, my body becomes a statue with angst and want. Please touch my hair, I chant over and over again. If it's even a few seconds of brushing, my year would be complete.
Moving my eyes toward his, I find his locked on his fingers almost touching my hair. We might combust together if my hair and his fingers ever make contact. Instant combustion, making me wonder who would come out with fewer burns, or would we burn together forever?
“Do you remember that night, so many years ago?” he barely whispe
rs. We are almost touching in the present but thinking about that night so many years ago.
Every day for the last thirty years, I want to whisper back.
I can feel his inner turmoil bubbling to the top, because mine is matching his. Silver was magnificent in his younger years. No, we didn’t go to school together, but everyone knew who he was. To parents he was the good boy who went to school, had good grades, and helped at his mother’s thriving flower shop. Guys wanted to be his friend, and girls wanted to date him. Silver was the too-good-to-be-true guy.
I watched him from afar and wished we lived different lives. Silver, to the girls I went to school with, was a dirty secret. They wanted to hang out with him to make their parents and uptight, boring boyfriends jealous. Even though he came from a good home and didn’t play the bad boy role, girls of my caliber treated him like one.
I dreamed of helping him in his mother’s shop, riding bikes into the woods together, and lying beneath the stars, our limbs interlocked together tightly, while whispering our hopes and dreams into the night air.
I’ve kept my lips sealed about the night we had together. Let me rephrase that, our chance encounter together. That night was too good to be true. My one true fantasy coming to life. The kiss blew my fantasies right out of the water but would never be strong enough to change our circumstances. It was our secret. No one would ever understand the magnitude of our kiss and how final it was.
“It was one of the best nights of my life,” my answer leaves my mouth with no thought at all. Seems to be a theme with Silver, I have no control over my body where he is concerned.
His eyes snap to mine in complete shock. He had to be blind that night not to know what it meant to me. He was my favorite dream come to life for one night. It wasn’t even a whole night, more a few measly hours and mere minutes of complete happiness. Dreams do come true. People don’t tell you that your dream can come true but not last more than one night.
“Gin…sweetheart…”
He’s going to make his move; I can feel it. Our first kiss as young kids had me so anxious, I thought I was going to throw up all over his shoes. Today, right here, right now, has me feeling the exact same way. I could yak all over his shoes, and we aren’t kids anymore. He takes one more step into my space. I want his lips on me—no, need his lips on me. I hear a creak of the wooden steps.
“Mom?”
“Jesus!”
“What the…”
Everyone is yelling, and for a split second, even though we heard “Mom,” Silver’s back is pressing me back into the deck railing, protecting me from this unexpected intruder. Then the words finally register, and he takes the biggest step known to man away from me.
My heart is racing, and Silver looks stark white. Never in a million years have I ever been caught in an intimate moment by kids. Silver and I are together for a minute, and my oldest busts in on us. I want to hit him and thank him all at the same time.
There is a stare-off between the three of us until Lou finally breaks the silence. “What’s going on here, and who the hell are you?” He fists his hands on his hips, ready for our answers.
“Louis!” I scold.
“Mother,” he shoots back. I never use his full name unless I’m over-the-top angry. From an early age he wanted to be called Lou.
I've never seen Lou so mad, and it makes me want to bust out laughing. It's so hard trying to hold it back and keep my lips in a thin line. How dare my baby boy cast shame on me and my almost kiss. I’m the one who should have their hands on their waist demanding answers. Lou and his walking in with no knock or even holler to say “Hey, I'm here; please be decent.”
Lou’s eyes dart toward Silver’s, giving him a silent threat of warning. “I asked who you are and why are you here?”
“Lou,” I sternly say and take a step toward him. He will not treat my guest like some common criminal ready to corrupt his mother. “You need to stop the attitude now.”
“It’s okay, Gin.” Silver’s voice comes out of nowhere, while his hand lightly grips the back of my elbow.
Lou’s eyes instantly zero in on Silver’s hand, and I swear Silver grips me tighter. “My name is Silver, and your mother and I go way back.” He goes to put his hand out for a friendly shake, and my son takes a step back.
A step back, now I know I could hit him and feel no remorse. “Is that so? What kind of name is Silver?” Lou scoffs, chuckling that the last part like his name is ridiculous.
“Now I damn well know I've raised you better than the way you are acting right now.” I knew the first time I brought a guy around Lou it would turn into this, but manners are something we don’t turn away from ever. He might do that with his friends and people he meets, but in front of me, he knows better. His killer look cools a tad, but that’s about it. He’s ready to pounce at any moment and wants to rip Silver’s hand from the back of my arm.
“Mom? What am I supposed to do with this.” He spreads his arms out in front of us, like this is the most outrageous scenario he could think of. The fact Silver’s name has never been brought up before could be causing some serious doubt, but still.
“It’s okay, Gin. I'll head out, and maybe I can call you sometime?” Silver’s tone is light and soothing, trying to calm the situation down between my son and me.
I look behind me and see an uncertain look on his face, worrying that I will not allow him to call me. My stomach knots up at the power I have over his happiness and how I could crush him with a few measly words.
“I would like that very much.”
Without another sound, Lou and I watch Silver turn away from us and slowly walk away. Lou is still seething, and I want to throw a temper tantrum, demanding Lou to bring Silver back and apologize.
The kiss would’ve been mind-blowing, but having him here was divine. The afternoon took a complete one eighty and my badass self went along for the ride. The best ride of my life, and I didn’t even get the kiss at the end.
When I hear Silver’s tires crunch some leaves, my disappointment morphs instantly into anger. “What the hell is wrong with you? I did not raise you and your sister to act like that. If I were taller, I'd smack you right now.”
What saves him from me pulling a chair up close to stand on and whack him is his boyish lost look. If this is a ruse to calm me down…damn, is it working. I know what he walked in on was shocking—I'm still numb with shock—but, come on, we are all adults here. I've had a mammogram and was suggested bifocals, for Christ’s sake! I've hit the last tier of adulthood.
“I don’t know. I walk in my mother’s house to see her almost groped by a strange man. What am I supposed to think?” His exasperated tone almost hits screeching level by the end of his little rant.
If I were almost getting groped, I would be more pissed at the interruption and kicked him out on his ass. Guess intense staring equals groping for my age. Give me a break. He's acting like he’s an innocent man. Don’t be surprised at my big eye roll coming, starting now.
“Then he says you two know each other. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.”
“Lou…honey.” I walk over, sit in a patio chair, and tap the seat next to me. He's reluctant at first, but sighs in defeat and plants his butt in the chair next to me. “You know I’m single, right?” His glare says we are not talking about my mother’s single status. “We did grow up around each other, but in different worlds. We ran into each other a few days ago, purely by accident, and the same with today. I also don’t need to explain myself.”
“I know,” he says, looking out over the horizon. Lou, my firstborn, has always been on the quiet side. His sister made up for his lack of conversation. Since the divorce, though, he’s been broodier and watches his sister and me like a hawk. He took on the watcher role all on his own and takes it very seriously. Lou would’ve been last on my list last to introduce Silver to. If I'm not careful, he’s going to be popping up even more than normal. “I worry, Mom.”
“I know you do.”
The love for my children has always kept me going. How can I be mad at my worried son? Annoyed, yes…very, but I can’t be mad.
“You moved out into the woods, got a job, and have no help. I still can’t wrap my head around most of this, Mom.”
“You really don’t have to though. All you need to know is that I'm happy and healthy. I’m showing you that at any time in your life, you can change your destiny.”
Lou rolls his eyes for real this time. “Sure, whatever, but this isn’t how we grew up at all.”
“Give me a hug, sweetie.” I open my arms out wide, waiting for his hug.
“It’s not funny, Mom. Quit smiling like that.” He’s still sitting in his chair.
“How can I not smile when my son is worried about his mother?” My arms are still spread out wide, waiting for his hug. “You really love me.” That should put an end to this conversation.
“I would more if you would act normal. Keep the guys at bay too.” Finally, he gives me the hug I’ve been waiting for.
“Act normal and keep the guys away. Got it.” I add on a mock salute at the end. He's still scowling, and I'm still smiling. No matter how big or old this boy is, he’ll always be my baby. The one who followed me everywhere and kept schedules better than I did when their social lives took over mine. “Did you stop by for a reason or just to give me a hard time?”
“Honestly…” Now a small smile forms, and he scrubs his head a few times. He has no idea why he stopped by. I could stop him, knowing what I know, but where’s the fun in that? “I can’t…remember. The scene I saw erased all my good thoughts.”
The scene he walked in on looked hot, I'm sure, but I'll let it go for now. He might never visit me again if I say his mom getting it on is hot. As children, we like to believe that when we were conceived was the only time Mom and Dad got hot and heavy. I was proud my dad couldn’t keep his hands off my mom, the older I got. I haven’t had hands on me in a very, very long time.