by A E Gamrat
When death hits you hard, early and unexpected relationships take on a whole new meaning. I will show the ones I love, male or female, affection on a daily basis, you can count on that. This whole record thing was completely his idea. He won’t admit to it, but he likes love too.
We’ve all been hurt, lied to, and misguided one way or another. How we choose to handle such misgivings is a per person deal, and no one has a say about it. Dam has never even lived with a woman. He's one of the best guys I know, but women seem to put him on guard. He can never let go, so the woman just goes. Dam is the only person I’ve ever hinted to about Gin, and from day one of us seeing each other again, Dam has been my personal cheer guy on the sidelines.
“Damn, Dam!” I yell over the railing. From my view his backseat looks stacked to the top, plus he’s opening up his trunk. “All this seriously came from one guy?” When I reach in to grab a box, I notice they’re stuffed. “How many do you think you have, and how much did this cost you?”
“I have no clue, and I probably didn’t pay enough, man.” We both stand next to his car shaking our heads. This is a crazy amount of records. We should probably take them straight to Claire. “Maybe instead of moving them over and over, we go to Claire’s now.”
See, best friends, he can read my mind. “I was thinking just that. There is no reason to haul this into my car and then into her store.” I can’t take my eyes off of them. Some you can tell have seen better days, but then there are at least a few looking like they’ve been barely used or touched.
I turn for my phone when he says. “I have her number; I'll call and see what she’s up to.”
Dam has Claire’s number? Very interesting to find out when he never has a girl’s number. We've both known her a long time, so I guess it can't be too weird. Claire must pick up because he’s smiling like a kid in a candy store, which is more interesting than him having her number. It seems like we are in the clear to head over to her store, but then he turns his back on me and starts whispering.
What the hell is going on here?
“We are good to go. She’s going to be driving by her place in five, so she’ll meet us there to open up.”
“Cool. Let me grab my phone and lock my place up.”
The engine is purring by the time I’m walking back down my porch steps. Wonder if Gin will be with her? I thought they were working tonight, and Gin told me it’s inventory week, so sometimes they are there all night. But if Claire said she would be driving by, I wonder what happened to working all night and not calling me.
Getting into the car, I must slam the door a little too hard because Dam is giving me the dude, easy with my ride look.
“Did Claire say anything else?” the question slips out as we head down my street. I don’t want to come off insecure, but she said she would call when she was done. Figured I would head over there, even if it were to stay for five minutes, to see her and hear about her day.
Dam keeps his eyes on the road and says, “Not much, she was coming from Ginny’s house.” He stops there, and his eyes slide over to me, judging.
What did I do now? Seems I take a step forward and go right back two with this woman. “O…kay. Did she say what they were doing? Gin was supposed to call me when she was done with work. She told me they would be there late tonight with inventory.”
“Guess some girl stuff came up. Claire closed at her normal time. Are you sure she hasn’t called or anything?”
“Posi…tive, wait.” Damn, I am awful at being a boyfriend, aren’t I? “My phone went off as you were pulling up before. I haven’t looked yet, forgot about it.”
“I would look now, man.”
Shit, shit, shit.
Right on the front of my screen is Gin’s name in big bold letters. “There’s an image attached to her name, that’s good right?”
“Maybe?” Dam shrugs. “Really don’t know her, but you know looks can be deceiving. She might be nice on the outside and cray-cray on the inside.”
“No.”
“You never know, dude. Why are you even worried?”
The silent treatment will work, won’t it? There's no music on, so it’s our breathing taking up the lack of conversation. We hit a red light, and Dam turns to me. “Tell me, I won’t make fun.”
I give him the yeah right look.
“Well not out in public, I won’t make fun.”
The defeat takes over, and my shoulders slump. “She was going to call me when she left work. We've talked every night this week. She left without contacting me. Something is up.”
“That’s understandable. I think I might wonder why too.”
This whole time I've been gripping the shit out of my phone, and my knuckles are almost white. Wonder if anyone has ever smashed a phone with their bare hands. I could be the first ever. All my finger needs to do is touch her name, and my worry will be all over. Might create new worries, but the anticipation of this click will be done.
What if Claire doesn’t know I’m with Dam? What if she doesn’t want to see me? All the questions and thoughts are consuming me. I miss Dam leaning over and tapping my phone. I inhale and hold my breath at his bold move, and his look says he’s expecting a thank you.
“Well…are you evening looking? Man, you are a mess over this woman. Pretty sure I’ve never seen you like this…EVER.” He would never talk bad about my past relationship or how we were coexisting way before her diagnosis. Dam’s look, though, is saying you know what I mean, and you know what to do.
Slowly I lower my whole head down to look at the picture Gin sent me, and I have absolutely no words for what I’m looking at. It's Gin alone in her bedroom, I think, posing for me. The dress she is wearing highlights every aspect of her body I fell in love with all those years ago.
Sure, there’s a little extra from age and children. The extra, though, has my hands itching to grab on and feel how soft and strong she is. The front dips so low, her cleavage is almost indecent. The animal in me wants to tell her to cover up and yell from the rooftop, “She is mine; her cleavage is mine, and no one is allowed to look.”
I'm sure she would hate my animal prowling around her, showing every male species walking the earth whom she belongs to. Maybe my predatory stance is so strong because of all the lost time. Gin was taken away once, and a second time will happen over my dead body. Men might try to step in, but she will never know another.
Why is she all dressed up in her bedroom? Why is she sending it to me with a shit-eating grin on her face? I still feel lost, and now know I'm missing something big, but what?
A low whistle breaks me out of my trance. Dam isn’t staring at the picture but keeps glancing. “Don’t,” I growl, facing the phone away from him.
“I’m not, man. She's yours and no one else’s. Wanted a peek, what can I say?”
“Nothing and quit looking.”
“I bet Claire will know what’s going on.”
“I’m sure she does, but doesn’t that seem childish, going to the best friend? Not a guy thing either.”
Dam shrugs but says nothing. I save her picture to my phone. Don't want to accidentally delete this masterpiece. This might be the only picture she ever sends me.
As we pull in, I make a final decision. “Let’s keep this to ourselves. If Claire brings anything up, I'll speak, or we’ll let it be. I'm sending a text now.” I tell her how gorgeous she looks in her dress, thanking her for sending it to me, and ending it asking about her evening. The whole time I’m typing each word out, my subconscious is yelling at me to question her on the dress, why she’s wearing it, and who’s going to see her in it.
Dam puts the car in park and looks at me smiling. “Yeah, man, whatever you want. Wouldn't say anything no matter what. I’ve never even met her.” He’s laughing at me, I know it, without really laughing. His eyes keep zeroing in on the shop’s front door, waiting for Claire to walk out. If my life weren’t so up in the air, I would give him shit about having Claire’s number, these records he
bought, and how he’s staring a hole through her front door. I'll save all of those for a rainy day.
“Thanks, man,” I say, keeping all my thoughts to myself.
Stepping out of the car, I hear, “You can screw this up on your own,” before I shut my door. Dam, on the other hand, approves jabbing at me. Guess it’s been a long time since he’s felt comfortable giving me a hard time.
Claire comes bounding out toward us like a crazy woman, and I have to tell myself to put my phone away. Don't want to get caught checking it a million times for a response from Gin.
We exchange pleasantries until the backseat catches Claire’s eye. Her screech is so loud I have to take a step back. Claire is such a good woman, with a kind heart, but she’s way too much for me. I like Claire in little doses or being around her with a group of people. Her mouth won’t quit once it gets going, like right now.
I grab a box from the car and walk it into the store to get this over with and getting a Claire break already. I'm at the counter and can hear her excited babble. Sure, if my mind was in a better place, her excitement might be contagious, but not right now. I am looking at my lovesick friend taking in every crazy ounce of Claire there is as I walk back toward them.
Wonder if he would admit to being hard up for this woman? “You guys going to help or stand around and talk while I lug these boxes in?”
“What has you all grumpy, Silver?” Claire asks, bouncing over to me.
“Nothing,” I grumble while grabbing another box. “Just want to get these in. There are more in the trunk.”
“WHAT?!” Claire screams, hitting her supersonic mode.
I should’ve driven myself because we are never going to get out of here, what with all of her excitement and praise to Dam. He's playing it off as no big deal, but even I want to know how much he spent for all of this and why? God, now I'm sounding like a Nosey Debbie.
My back pocket vibrates, and I almost drop the damn box in my hands on my feet. “What has you so spastic?” Claire asks with a look in her eye. Of course, they are behind me when my phone goes off. I have to play it cool and wait to be alone before I look at it.
“Nothing, the box slipped out of my grip, and I don’t want to damage any of the records.”
“Yes, not damaging something is always good to be aware of.” She knows something and is either waiting for me to ask or trying to feel me out.
“I know,” I shoot back, all annoyed. Deep breaths, I need to take deep breaths.
Dam yells from the door and gets Claire’s attention to go back out and get more boxes. When she turns her back on me, I send a thankful nod his way. We are in tune with one another’s emotions, and while I am teetering on the edge of sanity, he knows Claire could be the one to push me.
My pocket feels as if there are phones piling on top of another, weighing my pants down. If I’m not careful they’ll pull my pants all the way down. The anxiety over Gin and this text is pulling my limbs apart one joint at a time. The thought of moving my hand to reach around and grab my phone seems impossible. My fists don’t even want to uncurl to start the motion.
The unknown mess I've created is slowly forming in front of me. Building a wall one bad emotion at a time to completely barricade me in. How could I be going from finally having her to feeling like I lost her already?
Losing is not possible; I need to keep that phrase right next to me until all is said and done. We belong together and will battle together every hump in our road of life together. I’ve never been a coward, and I'll be damned if I start acting like one now.
Gin’s name is again staring me right in the face from my phone. There's no image attached this time, and I'm disappointed. I liked her taking a picture of herself to send to me.
My finger hits her name and her response is short, and I know exactly what I have done. Her thank you for my compliment is her first sentence. The next is why she is wearing the dress in the picture. “Son of a bitch.”
“Everything alright?” Dam asks out of nowhere, scaring the shit out of me. My feet possibly even left the ground from his intrusion. Dam stands there, holding a box, waiting for my answer. He knew I was looking at my phone; he heard my words, and now he wants an answer.
“She’s wearing the dress to my mother’s gala on Friday.” The words taste sour coming out of my mouth.
“Okay…s
“Yes, she is, Silver,” Claire chimes in, now standing next to Dam with her own box in hand and a glare on her face.
Our stare down is intense, her begging me to say the right things, make this all better. My stare pleads with her to know I'm not that guy to play games and lead Gin on. I want, no need Gin with me, by my side always.
A minute goes by in silence, and Dam starts to shuffle his feet around, making noise. “So, this is a bad thing, I take it?” His eyes go back and forth between Claire and me, waiting for one of us to say something.
Claire’s daggers land on Dam, making him visibly recoil, begging her to accept his apology for opening his mouth. ”Of course it’s a bad thing,” Claire scoffs at him. She turns quickly on her heels and storms out the door, mumbling “Men” under her breath while shaking her head.
If I wasn’t in such turmoil, I could probably laugh at her about face and Dam wanting to chase after her with his tail between his legs. How the right lady can bring a man to his knees is beyond me. We are basically bachelors in the basic form. Never been married, no kids, and never played house.
I guess I might’ve played house for a while, but never in the true sense of the term. We co-existed, lived together for the sake of our daughter. Stayed together so I could take care of them, proving I would never go back on my word to the bitter end.
Dam’s never looked twice at a woman, and my story was built out of comfort and love on a friend level. There was never lust, possessiveness or need from either of us. I need to get to Gin now; I need for her to understand, and I need her to forgive my boneheaded ways.
“Why didn’t you tell her or invite her?”
“I just…I just…honestly kept forgetting,” I give my honest truth. My gaze is on the road, and I'm itching to run to her. Yes, again, I will run to her every time I mess things up and get on my knees and beg for forgiveness. “You know my mom; she has an idea and runs with it. She planned it last minute and told me to show up.” I shrug my shoulders because it really was that simple. “She even moved it since I'm seeing Tabby on Saturday.”
“I get it, man.”
“Do you? Because I'm not even sure if I understand it. As soon as I hear her voice or see her, all thoughts other than her leave me. I forget everything because of that woman.”
“It’s not surprising, and you need to tell her that, make her understand. Not too many of us get to meet the one who makes us forget everything else.”
Claire comes stomping back in and takes over Dam’s attention. He might have found the one after all. She won’t even look at me, and I'm glad. There is no point in having an argument over my misstep, I need to make it better. She's a good friend, I don’t stand a chance making her see my side.
There’s chatter behind me once again, happy chatter, but all the words are white noise. The chatter instantly puts my nerves on edge, annoying me the more it happens.
“I need my car,” I say to no one.
“Lets go man.” Dam yells out. “Give me ten minutes and I’ll be back.” I hear him say to Claire as I make my way to his car.
As we speed down the road towards my house I hope my honesty will be enough for Gin to forgive me.
Chapter Fourteen
“Seems like this is becoming our thing, not in a good way, either.” He stands there, not making a sound. One part of me is ecstatic Silver is standing on my doorstep, and the other part wants to slam the door in his face. I knew sending those texts might bring him to my door step tonight.
His arms hang loosely at his sides, and he’s looking at my feet, ready to take whatever I throw at him. Never in my life have I wit
nessed a man so defeated. My ex never even once looked remorseful or sorry after what I walked in on. I used to think I wanted that man to at least look at me one time like Silver is. I wanted to see some kind of embarrassment at being caught in the act and about what he did to his family behind our backs.
I know now if he ever acted this way I would’ve laughed in his face. Silver’s sorrow is real, and I can feel to my core. Fielding a new relationship is being in battle without a gun or backup. You never know what is going to happen around the next bend.
My mind goes back to the night of the carnival where a boy and a girl from opposite sides of town came as one for a blink of an eye. As we walked away from each other, Silver looked the same way as he does standing on my doorstep. Defeat and sadness sat heavily between us, knowing those few minutes were all we were going to have.
We are different people now, adults even. I created my own safe haven for myself. No one is lording over me and never will again. There is no more pressure on who I will become or who I need to impress. Those ships sailed a long time ago. I am and will forever be my own woman. I will make my own choices and own mistakes. Silver can be my greatest accomplishment or worst mistake; either way I will own both with my head held high.
“Silver, why are you here on my doorstep again?” I want to add on how much I like him showing up out of nowhere, but both times were not for the best reasons. Hopefully one day he’ll pop up here with good news, needing to see me without an apology.
Finally, his eyes move from my feet and slowly travel up my body. I can feel every inch they cover, and when they hit my chest, they bug out. He sharply inhales and grabs my door frame with his right hand, needing to hold on to something sturdy to keep him upright.
Wondering what is causing such a reaction, I look down at myself and see the evidence. I'm still wearing the dress of all dresses. I start to chuckle because what else can I really do? For how scandalous this dress is, it is so comfy and simply moves with me. So, I forgot to take it off. Not to mention my back and forth thoughts of Silver. Guess I should be glad he was the one at my door and not my mailman.