She was trying to provoke me into a fit of rage again. That was exactly her game. She was trying to prove to the Members that my actions were unstable, that my word couldn’t be trusted. She just didn’t realize that I could win.
With a few lies of my own, maybe I could provoke her instead. If she attacked me first, I could beat the hell out of her and it would be justifiable self-defense.
“You’re wrong, Ellenore.”
“They do so visit. We go out to dinner and have long talks.”
“No. You’re wrong that they’ve had nothing to do with me. I’ve played stupid long enough. You’ll find out sooner or later, so I might as well tell you.”
“Tell me what?”
“I’ve been talking to Mom and Dad.” A complete lie, but I was almost sure she was buying it.
“No, you haven’t!”
“Not for a long time. But after your letters dwindled and you didn’t put anything in them except a bunch of filler, I got worried. I called them to make sure everything was okay. We didn’t think it was the best idea for you to know, so we didn’t tell you. I talk to them quite often, in fact.”
“Liar!”
“Really? How does it feel to be the one left out?”
“You’re full of lies!”
“Why do you think you know anything about my life? Its not like you’re my friend, or my sister, as you’ve proclaimed to everyone here. You don’t know how I spend my time.”
“You haven’t talked to them!”
I was winning. My voice remained soft and earnest. If the Cypher gig didn’t work out, maybe I could go into theatre. I had her.
“Yes, I have. I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“If you had, you’d have realized they think you don’t want to talk to them because that’s what I told them before the ceremony. And they would have yelled at me or would have been mad at me for lying, and they’re not!”
There was the truth, her little secret. All this time, I thought our parents had abandoned me. Instead, Ellenore had been telling them the same of me. It didn’t feel too good to be a winner when my prize was an awful fact: my sister was ruthless and vindictive, never an easy thing to register.
She looked like a deer in the headlights. Gave her secret away because she couldn’t control her own temper when, the whole time, she was counting on mine to seal our fates.
The air hissed through her teeth. “You tricked me!”
I couldn’t bring myself to yell. My words came out tired. “No, Ellenore, you’re just not very good at keeping secrets. I kind of wish you were, though. I don’t think I can look at you much longer.”
“Don’t you ever judge me! You think you’re so much better, but you’re not.”
“I never claimed to be...until now, because I would never have done these things to you. Never.”
The Members looked on with resignation.
I was going numb again. My heart had just been run over by a big, heavy, yellow bus and I couldn’t fix the damage. My body stopped shaking. The muscles were comatose.
She ranted, “You don’t know what you would do if you were me.”
“I have to believe I wouldn’t have done this. I wouldn’t—couldn’t—live with my own conscience if I did anything like you’re doing now. I just couldn’t.”
“But you could kill me! You could burn us both alive!”
My voice stayed low and unemotional. “I was reacting out of anger. You planned all this. Premeditated. I’m not making excuses for what I was thinking last night, but I hadn’t planned any of it. You knew what you were going to do, and I can’t forgive that. I’m sorry I almost killed us, and you don’t have to believe me, but I can’t forgive you for this. Do you really understand what that means?”
“Why don’t you enlighten me?”
“You may look like me. You may keep a place in my memories. You may think you know how I’ll react. But you were right: you’re not my sister. You can’t be the same person I knew.” Unable to stop, tears slid down my cheeks. My voice never regained any form of emotion. It was just flat. “You’re not my sister, Ellenore.”
She was loud and angry, but I could hear the disbelief break through. “You can’t disown me! I disowned you first!”
“Whatever.”
“Not whatever! You can’t tell me you’re not my sister when I already told you the same thing!”
“Are you really that petty?”
“Yes! I mean, no. But I don’t believe you.”
“Believe it.”
“No! It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” She turned to the Members and ranted, “Why are you letting this happen? It’s not supposed to be like this. Can’t you see that she’s irrational?”
It was my turn to talk, to push her over the teetering edge. “My Mom and Dad will be so disappointed in you.”
That did it. An open palm swung toward me. Ellenore’s bodyguard grabbed her in mid motion while Gabriel pulled me backward, out of reach. I just went with the flow, not ducking Ellenore, not fighting Gabriel.
I turned my attention to the Members. “Are you happy? This is what you wanted, isn’t it?”
Bob looked perplexed. “What do you mean?”
“This.” I motioned to Ellenore and myself but didn’t lose my thoughts. “It just floors me that you’re all so old, yet you haven’t learned a damned thing. Gabriel said you were debaters, not fighters. News flash: this isn’t debating. You’re tampering. You didn’t make Ellenore do this, but you gave her the chance. Handed it to her and bought front-row tickets, so you’re no better than any of us. No more innocent, no less guilty. But you’re in it, just the same.”
Gabriel leaned over to whisper something, but I shook my head and put my hand up for him to stop. He reluctantly backed off.
“I’ll say this one more time, so you’d better listen.” I took one of the deepest breaths of my life and let everything go. “I don’t want my soul back right now, even though I don’t know the implications of getting it back from the depths of such treachery. I’ll take the chance because I stand by my word. But if you make me go through with the ceremony, if you think my word isn’t good enough, then I will kill every one of you. I won’t have to hunt you because if we do this, you never had a chance.” I made eye contact with the Members. “I don’t care who you are. You’re all just grownup children trying to find something to experiment with, and I’m done playing.” I grew venomous. “I gave something willingly out of love that you all mourn for every waking minute. That you yearn for with every beat of your crusty hearts. I’ve committed my life and my soul to your futures, and you’re all so trifling. The hole in my chest feels like the Grand Canyon, but my heart will keep beating because it’s stronger than the pain. I don’t have anything else to give.” I brought myself to look into Ellenore’s blazing eyes one more time and spoke in a strangled voice. “If you had asked for a heart instead of a soul four years ago, I probably would have given you that, too.”
Bob decided to speak, finally, although his words held no true conviction. “I don’t doubt that, Myranda. However, I feel your threats are out of place.”
“Do you? Well, I’ve finally gotten the chance to see just how much my life means to everyone, Bob. Apparently it doesn’t amount to much, so excuse me if I’m a little forlorn. Excuse me if I’m a little put the fuck out! But I’ve been asked to live with a lot of crap, so I think you can wade in it for just a minute. Can you understand any of this? What I gave wasn’t good enough? Well, I don’t have anything left to give that I’m willing to part with. Debate that, assholes.”
I gave the remains of my sister one last glance and stormed out to Gabriel’s car. He came out a few minutes later to find me huddled in the passenger seat of the black BMW. I wasn’t crying. I wanted to, but the pain was so deep and so loud I couldn’t. There was a very large chance that I’d just sealed my death warrant, but it was at the bottom of my discrepancy list. The only thing on my mind was my sister
. My word wasn’t good enough. My life wasn’t good enough. My soul wasn’t good enough. Some days are just a crapshoot.
Gabriel got in and sat behind the wheel for a minute before turning the key in the ignition. He was searching for words but failed. Was he trying to think of something comforting, or a gentle way to tell me what an idiot I was for threatening the Members? I guess he gave up because he put the car in drive and we were off into the night. We made it a good twenty miles before he broke the silence.
“I think that went well.”
Chapter Twenty
As much as I tried, my voice just couldn’t sound lively. It was still flat from the yellow bus. Lifeless, though, I managed. “It went better than I expected. The Members are incredibly sweet. I think I’ll invite them over for brunch one sunny afternoon.”
“Is there an invitation for me? If so, I’ll be busy that day.”
“You’re not on the guest list.”
He exhaled. “Other than the hand-delivered death threats to the eldest vampires, I’d say the evening went well.”
“I can’t agree.” I closed my eyes before requesting, “If you want me to really trust you, you’ve got to stop treating me like someone who can’t make up my own mind. You have to trust me too, so no more abductions and crazy fights. Okay? If something’s wrong, come to me and we’ll figure out the answer together. But these deceptions, as well intended as they may be, have to stop.”
It took a while for Gabriel to react. However, it was worth waiting a lifetime of ice and frost to witness the unthinkable. Yes, an apology from Gabriel Vertiline. Sort of.
“I’ve spent so many years trying to kill the last trace of human residue in my heart. But it’s a stain, a curse far more dangerous than fangs. Yet here we are... I cannot be vampire and human. The conflict between heart and bloodlust is too great.” He took a moment before continuing, “But I will try. For you.”
“Why are you helping me?”
“You’re sister’s no prize. You were the lesser evil.”
“Stop jerking me around. Right now, I need to know. I need to hear you say it.”
“You are the most interesting Cypher I’ve met. I forgive the cranky-bitch part because you’ve been dealt the scourge no one wants. I was told your sister was the original and there was a strong chance you’d make her take your place if you were unable to salvage any part of living. So I agreed to help secure your status. I didn’t know what that involved. What they ask of you is unforgivable.”
“Then why not tell them?”
“I did. However, I’d already taken an oath to fulfill my own duties. I could only voice my objections. There was no way out of it. My only option was to help you in subtle ways. And I’m serious when I speak of the Mass. They would have hurt you for no reason. Having the Mass unleashed can be life-threatening, even when they’re only ordered to detain someone. It was careless of the Members to call on them.”
“But you knew they were giving me Seth and my sister to read.”
“Yes, but I didn’t know Ellenore had your soul. Did you read it?”
“No.”
“Did you read Seth’s?”
“Yes. When I realized it was him, it was too late.”
“You can talk about it.”
“No, I really can’t.”
He waited a full minute before speaking again. “Learn anything interesting?”
“I said I’m not sharing.”
“I apologize.”
Stretching my legs, I asked, “So what happens now?”
“The Members will discuss and decide tomorrow evening what their final ruling will be.”
“I look forward to their decision.” The sarcasm was thick.
“You don’t think much of them, and I don’t blame you. They haven’t made a good impression during this investigation. However, they’re very capable of making sensible decisions.”
There was nothing left to say. I just wanted to listen to the car hum over the pavement. Thankfully Gabriel felt the same way. It wasn’t a comfortable silence. It would do though, given the mood.
As my mind drifted, the densely forested landscape arrested my troubled thoughts like a dream catcher, vaporizing them. But one got through: a memory of my mother.
The day after high school graduation, I sat in the window seat in our living room reading That Was Then, This Is Now by S.E. Hinton. Ironic. Ellenore was celebrating our spanking-new sense of freedom with friends, and Dad was working overtime. Mom walked in wearing a melon summer dress that made her long, wavy brown hair striking. Her skin glowed under the mid-afternoon rays pouring through the windowpanes. The combination was enchanting.
Before she said anything, she gave me the smile. It was her personal smile reserved only for me. Trying to explain it would be like trying to explain the complexity of the Mona Lisa’s to someone who’s never seen it. Mom’s smile had a certain power over me. It coerced me into obedience from the time I was old enough to make my own decisions, or thought I was. And it sheltered me from the fallout of any regrets my choices, or lack of, may have stirred within. It made everything better than okay.
I moved my knee to make room for her to sit down. She held an undersized white envelope that jingled ever so slightly as her hand shifted.
Mom smiled even larger. Ellenore and I had a silent joke that we could tell Mom’s mood by the amount of teeth showing. No teeth signaled run for the hills. Most showing told us her excitement was uncontainable. I could see a fair amount.
“Yesterday was a big day.”
I shut the book with an, “Uh-huh,” knowing conversations starting in that manner meant I was supposed to pay attention.
“Dad and I are very proud. This is the beginning to anything you girls want in life.”
“Mom,” I sighed like the whiny teenager I was. “I know.”
She gently waved her hand. “Let me say this, Myranda. We know Ellenore applied to a lot of colleges. A lot.” She paused to chuckle before continuing, “And that isn’t what you want. We understand that. It warms a part of our hearts to know you don’t want to run across the country to get away from us so soon. And your dad is ecstatic that you’ll be working at the photo shop. But we also don’t want you to pass up good opportunities because you’re hesitant to try new things.”
“You meant ‘scared’ to try new things, and it’s okay. I’m not scared.” And I wasn’t. I was just comfortable living the life I was in. Why was everyone having a difficult time accepting that? I’d planned to work at my dad’s photography shop, learn the trade, enter some competitions, and maybe even keep the business going one day when he retired. Staying in my hometown to build a career and overall life for myself was a priceless idea. Ellenore was the one with big collegiate dreams of overabundance in every form.
“Don’t think we’re pushing you into anything. I just want you to know that options are always around, and it’s okay to exchange one for another if you feel it’s the right thing for you.” Mom smiled that smile again. Genuine love. “Your dad and I got this for you.” She tipped the envelope upside down long enough for a silver pendant and matching chain to slide into the palm of her hand. Holding it up, she explained, “It’s the tree of life.” Dainty strands of silver intertwined to create the branches and trunk of a tree inside a loop. “It represents family and growth. One day, if your choices lead you far away, this will be a little piece of us to carry with you so you’re not alone.” She draped it around my neck, adding, as she clasped it shut, “Don’t be afraid to let the world know you’re in it.”
I blinked rapidly as I found myself back in the car with Gabriel. The fresh memory made me want to cry like a lost child, like I was that naďve girl once again. I had believed every word she told me. That little tree hung around my neck from the day my mother put it on, to the day I walked out of their house for the very last time, to the many days I spent wishing I wasn’t alone. Then, one day, it sat on the top of my dresser, and then one day turned into many until it was
moved out of sight. Isn’t that funny how something so immensely important can be forgotten into nonexistence?
My parents’ gift meant almost as much as the charm bracelet Ellenore had broken. Not quite as much because the bracelet had the spell of youthful wonder attached, causing it to forever trump anything for the top-shelf prize in my mind. There have been many times, even as an adult, when I wished I had that bracelet back, only to be met with disappointment each time.
Finally coming to terms with the loss of the bracelet and the shame of disregarding the necklace and my mother’s earnest words made me want the little tree. The need to have it was more than overwhelming. It was ferocious.
I wanted to go home. Since the home I yearned for was no longer mine, I had to settle for my actual home. Staying there was out of the question, but Gabriel should have enough decency to let me collect a few precious mementos.
When I brought it up, he said, “No,” without hesitation.
I saw that coming. “Okay. I’m feeling upset. Do you have a match?”
“No.” He was humorless.
“I’m kidding! I just need to get a few things.”
“No.”
“Why not?” I was getting a little belligerent. “I want my own damn clothes and my own grimy toothbrush and...” My voice lost steam when I confessed, “A necklace my mom gave me. I need it because it’s the closest thing to having her with me.”
He almost looked sympathetic. “It’s not a good idea.”
“I know I can win this fight with my sister, and I know that if I’m stupid I can just as easily die. I’m not asking for a parade. I’m just asking for the comfort of my own stuff. I want to feel normal for two seconds. Is that really too much? It’ll take five minutes, Gabriel.”
The car was silent. He leaned his head back on the headrest. He was beginning to crack under my scrutiny. Or maybe I was driving him so crazy he was willing to agree to shut me up. The final nudge: I began singing under my breath. That had the power to break even the strongest vampire because my singing lacked every component that would identify it as actual singing. My voice was screechy, off-key, and off-tempo.
Souled Out Page 12