She stopped her story, but the silence seemed deafening. Lacey studied her, her gaze full of speculation. “What are you leaving out, Katie? I feel as if I’m only hearing part of a play and have to figure out for myself what’s going on.”
“Well, the guy—his name’s Garrison—is attractive to me,” Katie explained almost apologetically. “But I’m having trouble deciding what he wants from me.”
Lacey arched an eyebrow. “I’m certainly no authority on boys. But I know what most of them want.”
Katie ignored Lacey’s barb. “I remember how you handled Jeff this summer. You were in total control.”
“I avoided Jeff,” Lacey corrected. “I couldn’t mess with him once I knew how Amanda felt about him.”
“But you admitted he caused fireworks when he kissed you.”
Lacey hopped down off the table and straddled the bench so that she was directly in front of Katie. “Are you telling me you’ve been kissing this guy behind Josh’s back?”
Katie leapt up. “Absolutely not! I never have—”
“But you would like to,” Lacey finished matter-of-factly.
Katie’s face flushed crimson again. Why couldn’t she admit that Lacey was right? She’d wanted Garrison to kiss her more than once, but so far, he’d kept his distance. All he did was ask cryptic questions and drive wedges of doubt through her mind about her feelings for Josh.
Lacey reached up and took Katie’s arm, forcing her back down onto the bench. “Why don’t you start at the very beginning and tell little Lacey the whole story,” she said.
Katie did. She left nothing out, including the night in the student union and the question Garrison had asked that had haunted her for weeks. “Is it love or gratitude?” By the time she finished her story, a wind had risen and whipped leaves around their ankles. She shivered, but Lacey, who earlier had been so cold, seemed oblivious to the wind’s chill. “Now you’ve heard everything,” Katie declared. “What do you think?”
“I think this guy is a snake. I think he’s just messing with your head. Some guys like to mess with a girl’s brain. They like the feeling of being in control. Of having power. What you’re feeling toward him is only hormones.”
Katie gritted her teeth. She’d poured out her confused emotions, and Lacey had reduced it all to body chemistry. She’d hoped for a more illuminating appraisal. “Thanks a lot,” she replied unkindly. “I could have gotten that much if I’d told my mother!”
“What do you want to hear? That it’s all right for you to dump Josh and go hot and heavy into a thing with this guy? I won’t tell you that, Katie. Josh and you have a history. He’s been there for you through good and bad. You were nuts about him, and not just because of his brother’s heart. You told us how he helped you train for those Transplant Games and how he gave you the locket you wear.”
Self-consciously, Katie fingered the gold heart and chain that lay in the hollow of her throat beneath her thick turtleneck sweater, and recalled the night Josh had given it to her. He’d kissed her tenderly. Now, her heart thumped uncontrollably when Garrison was close to her too. Whenever he looked at her with his soul-melting brown eyes. Maybe Lacey was right. Maybe it was only hormones.
Katie buried her face in her hands. “I’m all mixed up, Lacey. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t think I can even trust my feelings anymore.”
Lacey put her arm around Katie’s shoulders. “I don’t like giving advice, Katie. I don’t take it very well either, come to think of it.”
Katie smiled in spite of herself. “I didn’t want you engineering that ‘romance’ between Jeff and Amanda this summer, but in the end, things turned out all right.”
“Maybe so in that particular case. However, no one can decide what’s the right thing to do in your case except you. Breaking it off with Josh would hurt a lot. But so would sticking around if you’re not right for each other. I’ve always believed in playing the field.”
“But you refuse to play around with Jeff,” Katie observed dryly.
Lacey dropped her arm and backed away. “That’s different. You know my reasons for avoiding Jeff. As for you, you may need to have a fling with this Garrison in order to decide what’s best for you. Just don’t do it behind Josh’s back.”
“I wouldn’t.” Katie chewed her lower lip nervously. “It’s such a big decision. I don’t want to hurt Josh. I really do love him.”
Lacey offered a wry smile. “Love is a four-letter word, Katie. Be careful how you toss it around.”
Katie nodded and returned Lacey’s smile. “Come on—let’s go back. It’s getting late, and it’s getting colder. Your lips are starting to look as blue as Chelsea’s and Jillian’s.”
Lacey made a face and joined Katie on the trail, where together they walked back to the warmth and light of Jenny House.
After breakfast Saturday morning, Chelsea took Jillian down to the rec room at Jenny House. A number of other kids were already there, kids Chelsea didn’t know from the summer, but who were obviously enjoying the unique environment. She saw that the staff had added another virtual reality game, one that enclosed up to two players in a cocoonlike bubble lined with video screens so that the players were surrounded.
She chose a program and sat on the double-size chair with Jillian and in minutes became absorbed in a fantasy featuring downhill skiing. The experience was so encompassing, so totally immersing, that during one sequence of having to leap a precarious chasm, Chelsea felt Jillian grab her arm and heard her gasp.
“That was something else,” Jillian said. “Totally real. I’ve always wanted to ski, but of course, I never could.”
“VR is the next-best thing,” Chelsea said. “All the fun and none of the risks.”
Jillian tipped her head and looked thoughtful. “That’s true, but I like knowing there’re risks. Risks are what make life fun.”
They left the game room and took the elevator up to the main floor. They sat on the long sofa in front of the fireplace. Logs burned in the great hearth, taking the November chill from the air. “Why take risks if you don’t have to?” Chelsea asked.
“Because risks make a person feel excited and alive.”
“The game makes me feel excited.” Chelsea defended her choice of VR over real life. “It seems to me that taking risks can also mean losing out on something. At least in VR, you know you’re safe.”
Jillian waved off Chelsea’s comment. “Who wants to be safe? Don’t you like living on the edge?”
“The edge of what? Death? No, thanks. … I’ve lived there all my life. All I want now is a nice, safe life.”
Jillian shook her head. “Life should be an adventure. Once I get my transplant, I may go save the rain forests. Do you ever think about doing something grand with your life, Chelsea? I mean, if I hadn’t been born sick, what would I have done with myself? Would I spend time volunteering in a hospital, helping people? Or would I have been like Shelby, thinking about no one but myself? Sometimes, people who are born perfect, who never have to hurt or want for anything, seem stunted.”
“Life’s not an adventure to me, Jillian. It’s a scary place full of pain. I’ve never told a living soul this, but I’m more afraid of getting that transplant than of not getting it. So afraid that I’m not even sure I want to go through with it.”
Eleven
“NOT GO THROUGH with it? You can’t be serious!”
The shocked expression on Jillian’s face made Chelsea wish she’d kept her thoughts to herself. “Well, maybe just a part of me is scared of going through with it.”
“You’d want to spend the rest of your life gasping for air and passing out when your heart goes haywire? Not me. I can’t wait for the transplant.”
“But what if … what if I die during the operation?” There. Chelsea had voiced her darkest fear.
“But we’ll die without the operation,” Jillian replied matter-of-factly. “When they did surgery on me before, I thought they were going to fix me once and for all.
When I found out that not much had changed, I cried for days. So far as I’m concerned, I’d rather be dead than an invalid the rest of my life.”
“I wish I wasn’t so scared. I wish I was brave like you and Katie.”
Jillian wrinkled her nose self-consciously. “I’m not brave. I just don’t want to compromise. Besides, if I die, I hope to go to heaven, where I’ll be given a perfect body, as well as straight hair and no freckles.” She grinned. “So I figure, either way, I win.”
Chelsea felt ashamed that she didn’t have faith or hope like Jillian‘s.
“If I don’t get well, DJ will kill me.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s my older brother, and he says he’s supposed to go first.”
“But you’re twins.”
“He was born three minutes ahead of me, so that makes me the baby.”
Now it was Chelsea who smiled. “Some baby.”
“You’re the only one I’d say this to,” Jillian said soberly, “but I worry about DJ.”
“Whatever for? He’s healthy … isn’t he?”
“He’s healthy. But he’s not real strong inside the way I am.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I’m not sure I can explain it.” Jillian toyed with a sofa cushion as she talked. “When we were little, when I’d get sick, he’d stand next to my bed and cry. I can remember how he would hold on to my hand and beg me to get well. Like I had a choice. But sometimes, when I’m really having a hard time, I can still hear his voice begging me. Sometimes, it’s all I have to keep me going. He feels guilty, and I know it’s not his fault. It’s nobody’s fault really.”
“You’re lucky to have him,” Chelsea said. “I’ve wished for a bigger family. Good thing Katie and Lacey became like sisters to me.”
“Can I be your sister too?”
“You already are.”
Jillian’s expression grew mischievous. “But you don’t want DJ for a brother. I mean, with you having a crush on him, it wouldn’t be proper.”
“Don’t tease me about DJ. Nothing will ever come of it anyway.”
“We’ll see.”
Chelsea gave her a sideways glance. “You better not do anything to embarrass me with him.”
“Me?” Jillian flapped her eyelashes innocently. “I wouldn’t dream of such a thing.”
Chelsea didn’t believe her, but didn’t want to push the issue.
“I guess she did good things with her money, didn’t she?” Jillian pointed up at the portrait of Jenny.
“She did. But not all of us have money. We don’t have anything to give away that’s important.”
“Not true,” Jillian replied with a toss of her wild mass of red hair. “Take you, for instance. You have yourself. I figure that’s the nicest present of all, Chelsea James being herself—being my best friend.”
With Jillian’s comment, goose bumps spread over Chelsea. The rich girl with the Texas-size heart really liked her. Her friendship with Katie, Lacey, and Amanda had been born of mutual suffering and proximity during the summer. But with Jillian, although they had similar medical problems, Chelsea felt that they would have been friends sick or well. Near or far. Perhaps that’s what Jenny Crawford had meant when she’d signed Katie’s Wish Letter Your Forever Friend.
A friend was someone who liked you—fears and all.
It was early Saturday afternoon before Chelsea could wangle time alone with Lacey. The private-duty nurse had insisted that Jillian nap, and Katie had taken off on one of her long runs. Lacey was heading down to the game room when Chelsea called her over to the sofa in front of the fireplace. “Sit down a minute and talk to me. I’ve been wanting to ask you some things.”
Lacey joined her on the couch, curled her long legs beneath her, and snuggled into the cushions. “I didn’t mean to ignore you. When’s that fancy jet of Jillian’s heading out?”
“Tomorrow after lunch. How about you?”
“A staffer is taking me to the airport early in the morning. My plane leaves at nine.”
“Then all we have is the rest of today and tonight,” Chelsea said with a sigh. “Boy, I hate leaving this place.”
“Me too, in a way. But lots is going on back home.”
“It didn’t sound like things are great for you, but you sure sound busy.”
“There’s no such thing as too busy for me.”
Chelsea took a deep breath. “How’s your diabetes doing? You know—your blood sugar control?” She knew enough from the summer to understand that the tighter control Lacey kept on her blood sugar levels, the better she would feel and function day to day.
“You’re not my doctor,” Lacey grumbled. “Honestly, you and Katie both act as if I don’t have good sense. I’m taking care of myself.”
There was something in Lacey’s defensive tone that made Chelsea doubt her. “Oh, really? You look to me like you’ve lost weight.”
“Who wants to be fat?”
“You’re not fat.”
Lacey made a face. “Mirrors don’t lie. Most of the girls in my crowd are thin as pencils. They look so cool and wear the neatest clothes. Sizes five or seven. I’m still a size eleven and feel like a cow next to them. Besides, Mom’s so busy with work and fighting with Dad, she hardly ever cooks anymore.”
“Can’t you cook?”
“Oh, please!” Lacey rolled her eyes dramatically. “I hate the kitchen.”
“But it seems to me like you should know how to cook the right foods—”
“Stop,” Lacey interrupted. “You sound like a dietitian. I don’t need this from you.”
“All right, forget the health lecture. How’s Todd Larson?”
Lacey shrugged and glanced toward the logs crackling in the hearth. “He’s the coolest guy in the high school, and he can have his pick of any girl he wants. He’s rich and drives a bright red Miata, and he’s paid some attention to me. But every girl’s after him.”
“Does he know about your diabetes?”
“Get real. Why would I tell a guy about that?”
“In case you had an insulin reaction on a date.” Chelsea thought her answer was perfectly logical, but Lacey reacted to it instantly.
“Why would I make an issue of a turnoff like a disease. Guys aren’t interested in girls with problems.”
“Jeff was.”
“Don’t you start in on me,” Lacey snapped. “Katie’s already told me what a mistake I made in letting Jeff get away. As far as I’m concerned, Jeff is ancient history, and I have no plans to excavate the past.” She stood up, which was Lacey’s way of saying the conversation was over. “Let’s not ruin things here. Come downstairs with me and we’ll play a game of VR.”
Chelsea was tempted, but she had another idea and knew that if she was going to manage it, she’d need to rest. “Actually, I’d like you and Katie to do something with me later. Maybe before supper tonight.”
“What?”
Chelsea rubbed her temples, fighting off fatigue. “More than anything, I want to take Jillian up to the mountain Amanda took us to. The one where we put her memorial sign. Will you get the horses ready and go with us?”
Twelve
THE FOURSOME HAD to leave Jenny House by three-thirty in order to get up the mountain and back down again before dark. Jillian’s private-duty nurse was against the trip, but Jillian argued persuasively to get her way. Jillian won. “If we’re not back by five, send out a posse,” she called to the anxious-looking nurse as the trail horses left the stables and headed into the North Carolina woods.
Chelsea had the same horse she’d ridden during the summer. He was lazy, but she felt safe on him. She looked down as she rode, watching his hooves strike the packed brown, dead leaves. Above, bare tree branches soared into a cloudy gray sky. The air felt raw and cold, not like the humid weather of July. She shivered and pulled the sheepskin jacket she’d borrowed from Jillian tighter around her.
Earlier, when she’d first mentioned the ride to
Lacey, her friend hadn’t been enthusiastic. “I’m not sure I want to share the place with anybody else,” Lacey had said pointedly. “It was Mandy’s. And ours.”
“But Jillian’s one of us,” Chelsea countered.
“She hasn’t got a history with us.”
Chelsea hated it when Lacey grew stubborn. “Listen, history for Jillian and me might be brief.”
Lacey waved aside Chelsea’s pessimism. “We promised Amanda it would be our place alone. Don’t you remember?”
“She’d be the first to want us to share it,” Chelsea insisted. “I know she wouldn’t want to hold us to that promise.”
“We made plans with one another to meet up there this summer. It’s only fall. If you keep your promise, and get better”—she stabbed her finger into Chelsea’s chest—“let Jillian come with us then.”
“You know I will if I can, but we’re at Jenny House now, and I want to take Jillian up the mountain now.”
Just then, Katie entered the lobby, breathing hard from her run, her hooded sweatshirt damp with perspiration. Chelsea called her over and explained her plan.
“I think it’s a good idea,” Katie said after a minute of thought. “I’ve wanted to go and check out the memorial myself, but wasn’t sure if the two of you wanted to go.”
“I want to go,” Lacey replied. “I’m just not sure about taking Jillian.”
“Then we’ll take her,” Kate said. “And you can go whenever you like.”
Chelsea admired the firm way Katie handled Lacey without being rude or argumentative.
“Oh, all right,” Lacey grumbled once she realized Katie wouldn’t back down. “Do you think we can pry her away from her nurse, or are we going to have to take the entire staff and Mr. Holloway with us?”
“Leave the nurse to Jillian,” Chelsea said with an exasperated smile over Lacey’s sarcasm. “She’ll shed her one way or another.”
She Died Too Young Page 6