“Forgive me.” I said hoarsely.
“Forgive you?” She repeated so those around us could hear. “Tell me why I should forgive you?”
“I’ve wronged you—"
“How?”
“I’ve disobeyed you. I left without your permission. I tried to escape—"
“Why? Why did you try to escape after winning such a grand victory? Why bring dishonor to me after the kindness I’ve shown you?”
I didn’t know what she wished for me to say. She knew why I tried to escape. She knew I wished to go home to my family. I understood then that she was asking me this not for her benefit, but she wished for her people to hear. But what would be the best words for me to share?
I spoke as boldly as I could manage. “I longed for my family, mistress. To see my mother and my brother again. It was foolish. I was not thinking—"
“No, you indeed were not thinking. You are a sentenced criminal. You go nowhere without my consent. You shamed me.”
“I know, mistress.”
“You know? Yet, you acted without any thought. Like a fool you went against me. You deserve to be executed.” The statement didn’t surprise me though there were many around us who sucked in a sharp breath at her words. I said nothing as she let the words linger, knowing that the woman would not execute me for this. Not now. “You acted in ignorance, but I don't believe you are a worthless slave. I wish to show you mercy. Will you give me cause to punish you again?”
“No, mistress—”
“You will not do anything to lose my trust?"
“No, I won’t—"
“Or make me question having you by my side?”
“No, mistress.”
“You will be loyal to the Fortress? To me, above all else, but also to my father?”
“Yes, mistress. I will be obedient to your command. From this day onward I will only bring honor to you. I will only bring honor to the Fortress. I swear it! I will forget about my people. I will forget about my family. You will be all I have and it will be enough. I will never try to escape again. I promise you. Forgive me.” I repeated. “Forgive me. Please.” I pleaded. She stared at me for a long time in silence. The same unnerving stare I knew too well.
“How am I to trust you, Isaac? How do I know you do not deceive me as you speak?”
How was she to trust me? Though she had beaten the desire to escape out of me, there would always be a part of me I would keep from her. I would never tell her about my visions. How could I, remembering my father’s words? That this ability would lead to my death. That I would be considered a man of defect here. One needing to be eradicated. What would the people think to know that Kiatra took on a madman as her slave? No, I needed to survive here, and I needed to protect my mistress’s reputation. The only way I could do that was by keeping my ability hidden which would be a difficult task. Knowing this, I still spoke boldly.
“If you find fault in me again mistress, then let my deception be my end. Show no more mercy. Let me justly pay for my crimes.”
She let the silence drag on for a long time. It was hard to remember that we were surrounded by so many when nobody dared to make a sound as they awaited Kiatra’s judgement. She exhaled heavily before speaking. “Do not let it come to that. I will forgive you.” She said finally as she took the dagger from my raised hands. “I forgive you.” She said more firmly. I gave a sigh of relief as the tears I suppressed ran down my face. I bent my head and pressed it forward against her knees. I gripped fistfuls of her skirt into my hands, breathing heavily in relief. “Oh Isaac.” She said so softly I wasn’t sure she had said it at all.
When I said the words, it wasn’t an act. I meant every word and intended to keep every promise. I accepted I was Kiatra’s. I belonged to the Fortress. I would honor her, defend her, and stand by her side in obedience for as long as she would allow it. If she granted me my independence, I would start a new life here. I would forget about home. I would forget about my people. They had proven I was of little worth to them. I had a chance to start over and I would take it.
I did mean the words as I said it, but the moment I said them, a vision came to my mind. A vision that showed that not everything Kiatra said would remain true. Not everyone in my village had mourned and moved on. Someone would remember me. Someone would come for me.
Chapter 15
“Another case of a battered wife. What is happening to the men of our village? Do they find pride in abusing their families? And when they don’t physically abuse them, they are found in another woman’s bed.”
“What do you wish for me to say, Kiatra?” My father had been listening to disputes and trials for longer than I had but it still surprised me on how unmoved he was by the horrendous crimes our people proved capable of committing.
“Silas is the last man I will let go with a lenient punishment. The next man to lay a hand on his wife will pay for it with his entire arm. And the next man who takes someone to bed who is not his wife, I will find something more pertinent to cut off—”
“Kiatra.” My father straightened and looked at me in surprise and then in rage. “You will do no such thing. That is not our way here.”
“No, not under your rule, Father.” I turned away from my father’s outrage and faced Isaac who sat on my other side scribing the events and cases that were brought to us for the day. “What do you have to say about this?”
“I assume you mean of Silas’ case and not of your decree of cutting off an adulterer’s manhood?” I sighed in exhaustion of the day and the growing arguments with my father. Isaac had become one of my few solaces these past years. He kept true to his words and did little to shame me since his whipping and emotional display at the training grounds. For a month after his beating, I commanded him to display his wounds. He wore no vest when he went to train and reopened many of the healing marks that first week. The man likely thought I wished to make an example of him. My people likely thought the same, but the display had a greater purpose. It garnered sympathy for Isaac. He was no longer envied for undue favor nor was his position coveted by free people or other slaves. The people feared I afflicted abuse on him regularly. I spoke sharply to him in public to heighten those beliefs. I removed him from my chambers and commanded him to sleep in the stables with the cattle. Only on occasion did I allow him to join me for the evening meal.
Now when my people spoke to me, they would bring Isaac up in conversation frequently, in an attempt to soften my heart towards him.
I passed the field yesterday where he trains. He’s progressing quite well, my lady.
Such a kind-hearted young man, is he not?
I hardly remember he is a slave. He’s acclimated quite well, like one of our own.
Just the other day an elder man in our village came back to my chambers with Isaac. It was later than usual and I had been waiting for Isaac to give me a final report of the days accounts.
My lady, your slave’s tardiness is on my head! He saw that I was struggling carrying lumber to my home and assisted me. If you wish to afflict wrath, let it be to me.
His words surprised me as the man was offering to take punishment to spare a slave. There is no need. I am pleased that he helped you. I had said simply. The man exhaled in relief. He smiled brightly at me, then at Isaac, patting him hard on the back before departing.
My hardness toward Isaac was not all an act. Though I held no ill will toward the man, I found it difficult to be near him. The sounds of his cries as the whips lashed his back had not escaped my memory in four years. Perhaps, if he had shown himself disobedient, arrogant or quarrelsome after the beating, I could reconcile my past cruelty toward him. Instead he showed himself capable, intelligent and warm. What was I to do with that? It only festered my guilt and if I was honest, my growing attachment toward him.
I tried to act indifferent to the man for as long as I could following his attempted escape. For over a year I had done well enough though it pained me to distance myself from him. Yet one night
he stumbled into my chambers uninvited. I had given those in my service a day reprieve. My guards had forced Isaac to go out with them, where they had clearly kept the wine free flowing for him. The man went to his knees, similarly to how he knelt before me the day after his beating.
What do I need to do? Why won’t you forgive me? Have I not shown my penance enough?
I have forgiven—
No you haven’t! You say the words but you haven’t truly! Everyone has seen it! You can’t stand me in your presence anymore! You find every opportunity to dismiss me—
You are drunk, Isaac. Go get some rest and speak to me when you sober.
He simply shook his head. Just tell me what I need to do and I will do it! Just tell me what I must do to regain your favor! Have I not sacrificed enough to show my devotion to you? It was foolish for me to run! I didn’t want to hurt you, I just—
He had stopped his words as he buried his head into his hands and pressed his forehead against the wooden panels of my floors. After a moment he shot his head back up though his palms dug into the floor. The moonlight from the single window in my chamber had illuminated his face just enough to emphasize the golden specks of his eyes as he held my gaze.
I’ve given you reason to doubt me. I know. His gaze had shifted away from mine then as he lifted himself from the floor. I am not without defect. Perhaps I should accept that no matter where I go, I will always be an unwanted man. He had said the words as a whisper, as if only meant to be heard by him. He didn’t return his gaze to mine as he departed my chambers.
The man didn’t seem to have any recollection of even coming to my room as he recovered from a headache the next day. I did not repeat his words to him, but simply said, You know you are wanted here, don’t you? Both his copper eyebrows rose to the top of his head in confusion. When you ran, I had the right to remove you from my service, but I didn’t. I should have but I didn’t want to lose you. I want to trust you, Isaac, so don’t disappoint me again. Don’t put me in a position where I am forced to treat you harshly.
My demeanor toward him softened after that day. I found him on my mind constantly. I could not escape his words and the grief I felt as he spoke them. Perhaps I should accept that no matter where I go, I will always be an unwanted man. Though they were spoken in a drunken stupor, I knew he meant the words. In the deepest parts of his being he believed he would always be unwanted.
I didn’t wish for him to feel that way and tried to give him every opportunity to show his usefulness to me and the Fortress. My father soon learned Isaac’s worth as well. Sir Jeffrey, my father’s scribe died in Isaac’s third year with us. I had asked Isaac to sit in for him when we took council and held court, until we found a proper replacement. Isaac started simply sitting quietly and recording an occurrence but after a few days he would speak with such confidence on events. Mistress, you must question him again, or She lied to you, he would say. His instincts always proved correct until my father finally decided that there was no need to find another replacement.
Your slave will do just fine.
I was proud for Isaac to receive a position of recognition but how he knew the things he knew were suspicious. I just heard something, mistress. He would tell me. When I pressed him on where or by whom, the most the man would say was, Most men do not realize when the things they do are seen. The man had his secrets. There were parts of himself he was keeping from me, but I could only do so much to evoke his trust to share these things.
I placed a palm on his arm, encouraging him to speak freely now. “Did you find the judgement fair?”
Isaac looked at me in concentration as he tended to do when he was planning to share something to counter a decision I made. He always chose his words carefully, as not to anger my father or me with insolence.
“A man deserves to be punished for rendering abuse, but in this case, I am afraid you sentenced the wrong man.”
“Isaac,” My father interceded. “Silas admitted to the abuse against his wife.”
“Yes, he did but I believe the man was protecting someone. The real abuser. His son should be questioned.”
“Frederick? You think Frederick struck his mother in the face?”
“I think Frederick struck his mother to move her aside as she attempted to protect her husband. You saw that Silas was limping, did you not? He kept holding his ribs as if it was painful to breath. The man is injured himself and I don’t believe his wife caused those injuries in self-defense. You’ve seen the woman. She is small and frail, and she was resistant when the case was brought up to us. She made excuses for her bruised jaw when they were observed by her comrades.”
“That is not uncommon for victims of abuse.” Sebastian interjected, as he stood by my father. The man had a growing dislike for mine and my father’s value of Isaac’s opinions. He tried to find opportunities to insert his own and show his value.
“Yes. That is true, but in this case, it was not her husband she wished to protect. It was her son. Question her and question Frederick. Frederick is married, isn’t he? Have you seen the wife lately? She should be questioned as well.” A shiver ran up my spine at those words. Frederick was married but in thought I hadn’t seen his wife in some time.
I motioned to one of my guards. “Find him now and find out the whereabouts of his wife.”
“How are you so certain about this, Isaac? Did you witness this abuse and stood idly by as it was done?” Sebastian asked.
“No, Sebastian. Sitting idly by seems more to your liking. Frederick is a comrade of yours, is he not?”
“Isaac.” I said sternly giving him a warning glare. Sebastian and he seemed to constantly be at odds as the years passed. Isaac was becoming too loose tongued around him.
Sebastian stepped forward as if to strike Isaac, which would prove to be a difficult feat as my father and I sat in between them. My father rose an arm against Sebastian’s chest. “We will discover the truth soon enough. It is only a suspicion. We are not certain that Silas is not the true criminal. Who is next?”
Isaac shuffled through his scrolls to find the list of names that were retrieved in the morning of those wishing to seek audience with my father and me. His expression dropped slightly as he glanced at me before addressing my father. “Ariel the ship merchant. He wishes to ask for Lady Kiatra’s hand.”
“Oh, he is a good man! Bring him in—”
“No, Father.” I said sternly as I braced myself for another argument.
“No? Why not?”
“I have no interest in giving him false hope. He is no true candidate for my husband.” The ship merchant, Ariel, was invited to the Fortress to help us replenish our fleet. Ships were not something we used often for travel, but some of the villages within our province could only be reached by crossing the sea. My father had invited a few merchants in our province who were known in this trade and Ariel was a favorite for his skill. Was he older or younger than my father? I couldn’t be certain. His hair was fully gray, and he bent over slightly as he walked, though that may have been a result of the disproportionate weight in his belly and not of his age. He seemed pleased at how many ships my father wished to replenish.
I would of course consider payment as a dowry. He had stated after an initial meeting with my father, as he looked at me alluringly.
I wished to punch him in the throat for that comment, but my father answered on my behalf. You are interested in pursuing my daughter’s hand? Then you should seek it formally. You will meet with my daughter and make your ask. I smiled though at that moment I wished to throttle my father. As the years passed, he seemed more desperate for my marriage. In my heart, I knew I desired a husband. I desired for a family after my father passed and my sister would never fill that need for me. Yet, I would rather be alone than forced together with a man I didn’t trust or respect.
“Kiatra, you must meet with him. The man offered the Fortress quite a fair sum for elite ships in the condition that he could meet with you.”
“I am not a harlot to be bartered off for ships.”
“You are an impossible girl! Put your pride aside for one moment and simply meet with the man. Speak some kind words to him—”
“You may speak some kind words to him if you’d like. I will not.”
“You are acting like a child.”
I held my tongue at this just as I was holding my temper with my father. I tried to keep arguments minimal between us and it was not proper for us to quarrel in front of Isaac and Sebastian. “When you were selected as your uncle’s successor did he force you to parade around for men in order to get a fair price on merchandise? No. I will not continue to jeopardize the respect of my people by entertaining these asks, Father. I am sorry.”
My father sighed and remained silent for a long moment. “What do you have to say about this?”
“My lord—”
“Not you, Sebastian. Isaac.”
I kept my eyes straight ahead of me, tempering my frustration that my words were not enough for my father. Of all things, he wished for the opinion of my male slave.
“I adhere to the words of my mistress.” Isaac said softly.
I sighed, not turning my head toward either of them. “Just speak.”
I could feel Isaac’s eyes on me for a moment before he addressed my father. “My lord, I suppose I just wonder what it is that you feel Ariel has to offer your daughter? It certainly cannot be his looks as it would be a crime for a child to come forth with a mingle of her beauty and that man’s mole ridden nose. Though I know your daughter has little concern over appearances. Yet, she does deserve a husband that could offer her something. Is Ariel grand in intelligence? Wit? Strength? If it is simply his wealth, Lady Kiatra is not in need of it. The man would have everything to gain in this union and she would have nothing.”
“I am not asking her to offer the man her hand, I simply wish for her to meet with him.”
“For what purpose? A man in Ariel’s position should believe it is a privilege that his ships are even being considered by you. Why stroke his pride more by granting him audience with Lady Kiatra as if he is doing you and my lady a grand honor? The man has done nothing to deserve her time and he is certainly not worthy of it.” I broke my stance and stared at him as these last words were spoken in anger. His eyes were narrowed on my father before he glanced at me and looked away. “It is as I said. I adhere to the words of my mistress.”
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