by Trish Wylie
‘He’s leaving?’
‘Yes, some problem with his hotel, apparently; I said we’d see you back to Dublin tomorrow so he—’ She was talking to an empty room.
Alex saw her coming from the corner of his eye and took a deep breath in preparation.
A couple of feet away she stopped, and folded her arms across her chest. ‘Not bothering to say goodbye?’
‘I would have if I knew where you were. I said goodbye to your parents.’ He threw his bag into the boot of the car, still not able to look at her. Because if he looked at her it was gonna hurt, wasn’t it?
‘So you just thought up some excuse to leave?’
‘No.’ He took another deep breath. ‘I got a call from Gabe. There was a fire on one of the top floors at the Pavenham and—’
‘A fire?’ She stepped forwards, her arms unfolding, ‘How bad a fire? Is there much damage—’
‘It’s not as bad as it sounds, Gabe said. Someone left one of the large heaters they use to dry out the walls on overnight. And something must have fallen on it. But I still need to see it for myself.’
He could feel her eyes on him as he slammed the boot shut and walked around the car—he even chanced another sideways glance to confirm he was right—and he hated that she lifted her chin and refolded her arms.
‘So you’re using it as an escape route.’
He pursed his lips hard and glared at her from the corner of his eye. ‘I’m not having another argument with you. I’m giving you space.’ Another deep breath. ‘Maybe it’s what you need right now.’
When she didn’t say anything he yanked opened the driver’s door. Only to be stopped dead by her words.
‘Well, you’ve seen for yourself now anyway. Now you know our family backgrounds are too different, so you—’
The door slammed violently and he swung round. ‘All right, now we’re having an argument.’
She visibly baulked as he approached her, but he didn’t care how angry he looked.
‘This has nothing to do with your family or mine or whether or not they’d all kill each other over Sunday lunch—so stop hiding behind it! Whatever the hell the problem is is in your head. And I can fight for this, Merrow, but I can’t fight for it on my own!’
He saw the brief hesitation, saw her eyes glitter, and it almost killed him. But when he automatically reached out to her to try and fix it, she stepped back from him, her voice rising.
‘Stop it, Alex! You’ve been pushing and prodding and crossing every line on God’s green earth to win this battle with me and I’ve had enough! Why couldn’t you just leave things the way they were?’
He tilted his head and threw the answer back at her. ‘Why do you think?’
‘Would I ask if I knew?’ She threw his own words back at him, her arms unfolding so she could point an angry finger towards the ground at his feet. ‘This is all some big game for you, isn’t it? I may be what you want, Alex, but I’m not what you need! ’Cos I’ll never be the kind of woman that’ll fit into this near-perfect blueprint you have for life. How can you not know that by now?’
He laughed incredulously. ‘Perfect? You think my life’s perfect? Where did you get that from?’
‘Of course it’s perfect! You’re the Fitzgerald golden boy! Even your own sister had problems following behind you. Everything comes so easy to you and you—’
‘Easy? Is that what you think? You think I just breeze my way through the day?’ He swore. ‘You think I don’t work damn hard at every single thing I do? You think I haven’t worked for this? Because let me tell you something, Merrow, I’ve never worked harder at any relationship with a woman. Ever!’
‘Only because I’m some kind of challenge to you! You don’t need the kind of chaos I’d bring to your life—’cos, trust me, Alex, I would. My life is and always has been a glorious kind of chaos. And I love that!’
‘And what would you know about what I need?’ He threw a hand out to his side. ‘You’re such an expert on my life, so go ahead and tell me what it is I need.’
‘You don’t need this!’
He scowled at her. ‘You’re damn right I don’t need this! But then no matter how many times I try to get you to talk to me, you won’t tell me what this is!’
‘And there you go pushing me again!’
It took every single ounce of self control he had not to continue yelling back at her. And it took more than a minute for him to get himself under control before he could even look at her again. So he studied the trees behind the house—he looked at the flowers in pots on the window sills—and all the while he pursed his lips, clenched his teeth and fought with his emotions; willing them down into place inside him.
He took a step closer, his gaze fixed on the top of her head, his voice low and threaded full of the emotion he was fighting. ‘I’m done pushing. You’ve had me battling you for every inch of ground since the day I met you and I’ve had it.’
‘So this is us breaking up.’
A quick glance into her shimmering eyes told him that the calm tone to her voice had cost her, so he kept his voice equally calm. ‘No, this is me telling you no more pushing. I’m giving you the space you want to think this over. And then maybe you’ll actually talk to me about whatever is going on in your mind.’
Her voice shook. ‘It’s not space I want—’
He couldn’t stop himself, swearing violently as his arms swung out to his sides again. ‘That’s just it—you don’t know what it is you do want—do you? And maybe what it really comes down to is that I’m not the one you need. Maybe it’ll take a stronger man than me, because, no matter how many times I try to stop myself, I just keep on crossing the line with you, don’t I? And the thing is—I can’t tell you I’ll ever stop doing that!’
‘Why, Alex? Why can’t we just be the way we were when we laughed and played around and had amazing sex?’
He leaned in until his face was right above hers. ‘When you figure that out maybe you’ll come find me. And if you don’t then I’ll know where I stand, won’t I?’
He turned on his heel and marched back to the car, his hand on the door handle while he attempted to force his heart rate down to one that didn’t feel as if he were one step away from a coronary.
Then he spun round and marched back to her, grabbing hold of her so suddenly that she rocked back on her heels. And he wrapped his arms around her, bent her backwards and kissed her, putting every ounce of frustration and anger and passion and wanting and need into the kiss as it was physically possible to do, before he set her back on her feet and released her.
‘That’s in case you don’t come find me.’
Merrow stood in one spot and watched him walk away, watched him get into his car and watched him drive away without looking back. Even when it started to rain again she stood there, with her arms wrapped around her body to try and stop the shaking, and with tears running freely down her cheeks. She finally let the first sob out, looking towards the sky as rain poured down on her upturned face.
And she didn’t know how long she stood there before a voice sounded beside her. ‘I’ve brought you some chamomile tea.’
She laughed through her tears as she looked at her mother. ‘That’s not gonna do it this time.’
‘You’re dreadfully in love with him, aren’t you?’
‘Yes.’ She sniffed and set her palms to her face to scrub away her tears. ‘Dreadfully.’
‘And do you know how he feels?’
‘Sometimes I think I do—’ she swallowed ‘—but he seems to have just as much trouble communicating with me as I do with him when it comes to actual emotions.’
Hang on. That was a flaw, wasn’t it? It made him less than perfect—it made him as human as she was. Because maybe, just maybe, when someone cared deeply, it meant they guarded all the more against being hurt? And if he loved her anywhere near as much as she loved him—
What had she just done? Had she missed all the signs? What hadn’t she seen that’d been
there all along?
‘Hmm.’ Her mother linked their arms and turned them around. ‘Did you see my birthday present from him?’
CHAPTER TWELVE
ALEX trudged his way up the stairs to his apartment, feeling wearier than he had in his entire life. He’d blown it with her, hadn’t he? He’d pushed too hard.
But even while he’d decided he couldn’t do anything more, he’d still gone out and tried to find another way to let her see how he felt. He was officially pathetic.
He lifted the plastic bag out in front of him as he climbed the last few stairs. ‘I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you.’
Fitting his key into the door, he took care not to swing the bag as he walked through, and then, when he looked into the kitchen, the first thing he saw was the bowl on the end of the counter.
He frowned in confusion as he stepped forwards, glancing around the empty room before he leaned down to look through the glass, his heart rate picking up speed.
‘I take it you’re Fred? Did I know you had a key to my apartment? Wasn’t it a bit hard to fit into the lock with fins for hands? That’s quite a trick, Freddie boy…’
‘You gave me a key so I could get in for brunch.’
He stood upright and watched as Merrow walked along the hall towards him, a small, almost shy smile on her face—which was endearing as all hell, because he’d never once pictured her as shy before.
‘Hi.’ It was all he could manage.
‘Are you two bonding?’
She kept walking towards him, her voice low, and maybe even a little nervous? Well, if that was what it was then she wasn’t alone. He was torn the way he always was: between reaching for her or pushing her for answers. But then she’d had him suffering the sweetest kind of misery that way for a long time, hadn’t she?
He silently cleared his throat, his gaze catching sight of the folded sweater in her hands. Had she come by to collect anything she’d left behind? Well, if that was the case, then why had she brought Fred along?
‘So you were just taking Fred for a walk and you decided to come get your stuff?’
He set the plastic bag on the counter beside Fred’s bowl and watched her gaze shift to study it.
‘Did that bag just move? What’s in there?’
He folded his arms. ‘My question first.’
She quirked her eyebrows at him, held one foot out to her side, and pointed. ‘You think I went walking my goldfish in these heels?’
Alex felt a bubble of hope form in his chest. ‘Please tell me you don’t actually take your goldfish for walks.’
Her smile grew. ‘What’s in the bag?’
All right then—this had been his bright idea anyway. One more risk at humiliation and then that was it. So he lifted the bag in one hand and reached into it with the other, holding the smaller bag up in the air by his face as he pointed at it.
‘This is The Wilma Two.’
‘Alex—’ she walked towards him again, tilting her head to one side as she smiled the mischievous smile he loved so much ‘—you can’t name a goldfish the way you name a boat.’
‘The way I see it, he who buys the goldfish gets to name the goldfish.’
She stopped a foot away from him. ‘And is Wilma—’
‘The Wilma—’ he nodded ‘—Two.’
‘O-kay. Is The Wilma Two here to keep Fred company?’
Okay, Alex—there’s your opening.
‘Her life may be perfectly fine in this wee bag, but it’s not what it could be. And even an independent, free-spirited goldfish should know she doesn’t always have to be alone to still remain independent and free-spirited.’
Her green eyes shone brightly as she bit down on her bottom lip to keep control of her smile. But when she turned and set the sweater down on the counter opposite him, he saw her hands shake and his heart jolted in his chest. Had he just pushed too hard again?
She turned to look at him, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath before she spoke. ‘All right. I’m going to go first. But you have to promise me you’ll not say or do anything to interrupt me until I’m done, okay? I’ve been rehearsing this all the way back from Dingle and if I don’t get it all out in one go then I might mess it up.’
The bubble of hope in his chest fizzled away, like the air being let out of a balloon. But he merely took a similar deep breath and leaned back against the opposite counter, pushing his hands deep into his pockets.
‘Okay.’
Merrow’s eyes followed the movement and she smiled a small soft smile. Because she knew what it meant when he put his hands in his pockets, didn’t she?
Her gaze flickered up to meet his, she took another breath, and then she set her hands on the counter and hoisted herself up onto the surface, locking her heels at the ankles.
When she set her hands on the short skirt of her green dress Alex watched them shake again; he watched her flex her fingers in and out of her palms and a sense of impending doom rolled over him.
‘Look at me, Alex.’
His gaze rose. And she smiled tremulously, staring at him for a long moment before she glanced upwards and then back into his eyes.
‘I am so incredibly, completely, to the very pit of my soul in love with you, Alex. And that scares me to death—really it does.’
He’d never wanted to reach out for her so badly before, had never had to fight so hard not to speak. Especially when her lower lip trembled, her hands shook again, and when every word she said was highlighted by the quirk of her arched brows or the flicker of her long lashes so he knew how much she meant the words.
She loved him?
She smiled at the expression on his face. ‘Let me get it all out.’
Alex swallowed hard and nodded. If she had a ‘but’ in that speech anywhere she may just forget it. She was his now and that was that as far as he was concerned; he didn’t give a damn how much she yelled at him or tried fighting him. She was his.
‘I’ve been independent my whole adult life. And I love my life, Alex, I do—chaos and all. I have great friends, support from my family—albeit of the “being at peace with my inner self through meditation” kind of support—and I have a job I love doing. I pay my own way, I love to shop, I can go away on weekends to places like Galway at the drop of a hat.’ She took a deep breath and glanced away and back again. ‘I never thought I needed anything else, not really, until you.’
‘I don’t want to take any of those things away from you. I thought you understood that. I never have.’
She frowned briefly and then sighed. ‘I do know, Alex—I do—but loving you is such a big, all-consuming thing it knocked my perspective off, is all. I had no idea love felt like this. When you look into my eyes all intense the way you do, I get lost. And when you make love to me I don’t know where I end and you begin.’
He smiled softly at her.
And she smiled softly back. ‘It was like I was giving up a part of myself by wanting you the way I do. It felt too perfect, too right and that scared me to death—because I thought if I had something that perfect and that right, even for a little while, then losing it would finish me—at least for a decade or two. I just don’t think I was ready for it to happen so fast. And when I got scared, I got defensive, and I tried to run from it; to give it rules and boundaries to keep me out of harm’s way. But I don’t want to run. I just don’t want to feel this lost any more.’
Well, that’s it all out in the open now—you’ve taken your shot…
And it wasn’t actually as hard as she’d thought it would be, now that it was done. She’d just needed a little shove in the right direction, hadn’t she? A validation of sorts. And the present he’d given her mother had done the trick…
‘You done now?’
‘Almost.’ She damped her lips and took another breath, because this was where she had to take the real chance. And if she was wrong then she might as well find a tall building to jump off. ‘Now we move on to you.’
He looked s
uspicious. ‘What about me?’
‘Well, I think maybe I always knew it was me that was going to have to say the words first. Because, to be honest, if you’d said them I’d have felt backed into a corner—would probably have argued with you and run again.’ When he frowned she smiled at him to let him know it was all right. ‘I’d have come back eventually, don’t get me wrong. But if you’d said it before I knew how I felt—I’d have felt—I don’t know…’
When she searched the air above her for the right word, he filled it in. ‘Beholden to say it back?’
She smiled all the more. ‘That’s a deliciously old-fashioned word. But, yes, I suppose its close. Not completely right, though. I was determined I could stop myself from falling for you, you see.’
‘Hence all the stupid rules.’
‘Yes—but then you would just keep on breaking them…so this is all your fault really…’
‘And why do you think I did that?’
He was still leaning against the counter, he still had his hands lodged firmly in his pockets, but one glance was all it took to see the intensity in his gaze and even from a few feet away she could see the gold flecks blazing at her.
And she felt the same something pass between them that had the day they’d taken her mother’s silly class. Maybe there was something to all that after all; she’d certainly been right about the reaping the benefits part…almost a little too right. Because it was all about deepening soul connections for a deeper sexual connection, wasn’t it? Or something. Merrow just hadn’t been prepared for how it felt, was all.
But then maybe it’d just been the fact that it was the first time he’d made love to her when she’d faced how she really felt? And the depth of that emotion had made the experience so overwhelming for her that she’d folded. And run. Literally.
Maybe if she’d known he felt the same way…
Suddenly feeling more confident with the evidence she’d brought along, she smiled a small mischievous smile and swung her legs.
‘Ah, now, you see I wasn’t entirely sure about why you were doing it.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Blind idiot that I am.’