“Um… I brought the jeans. Well, clothes. It’s not just jeans. Though, there are… jeans.”
She was still as awkward as I remembered, and it seemed her guilt had pushed it into overdrive. I wondered how she remembered me, if my personality seemed changed. I felt different, but wasn’t sure if it was something that others could see.
“Thanks,” I said, taking the bag from her. I peeked inside. There wasn’t much in there, a couple of pairs of jeans, a black shirt, and a few notebooks.
“Business Econ!” she exclaimed suddenly. “I’m taking that class. Do you have Reynolds?”
“Yeah. I have it tomorrow.”
“Me too! I have the morning class though. He really wakes you up with how loud he talks. He kind of screams, right?” she asked excitedly.
I breathed a laugh. Did she realize she was doing the exact same thing?
“Do you understand the last lecture at all?” I asked. “I keep reading the chapter over and over and can’t seem to find that flow chart he was talking about.”
“Yeah, it’s not in there.”
She switched seats, sliding into the one at my side and flipped through the pages to a previous chapter, then proceeded to explain it.
Over the course of lunch, our discussion slowly shifted from class to the movies we used to watch together on “Movie Saturday.” The longer we talked, the more I realized that maybe the reason she hadn’t checked in with me wasn’t because she didn’t care but because she did. Just like Todd had done.
We spent hours in the cafeteria without noticing how much time had passed, until we looked up and saw that lunch was over. The cafe was empty except for someone sweeping the floor.
We planned to meet up next week at the same time.
CHAPTER 4
YET AGAIN
The sunlight was blinding. It made the pain above my eyes intensify. I walked along the sidewalk, restlessly shifting my purse on my shoulder and clutching a thin plastic shopping bag as I followed the glowing white cement squares on their trail back to campus. It would be easier if they’d stop moving around. Their constant vibrating set me off balance, making me feel dizzy and nauseous.
My head was woozy and pounding. I felt beat on, like one of Tom’s poor drums. I considered stopping my staggered procession and downing the medicine I had just purchased. Its bright orange packaging promised that I would get through my day feeling like sunshine. Possible. I already felt like an inferno, so sun wasn’t far off.
I decided that opening the child safety cap would take far too much concentration for a sidewalk effort. I needed to sit to focus on something that complex.
Sweat dotted my entire body as I shuffled along. I tugged up the hem of my newly-returned black shirt and used it to fan my waist. It didn’t help.
I finally set foot on campus grass and cut through the quad without regard for the meandering walkways. I was taking the shortest path possible to my dorm, narrowly avoiding students who were gathered in various stages of costume, already getting into the spirit of Halloween.
Eric suddenly fell into step beside me. I jumped in surprise and wobbled on weak legs, wandering in a clumsy, odd arc before falling back into a steady path forward. My heart pounded from how easily he had snuck up on me.
“Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you for almost an hour,” he asked.
I lazily lifted my pharmacy bag in answer.
“You walked there?” he demanded, almost sounding angry with me. “By yourself? That’s like a twenty-minute walk.”
Thirty for a sick person like me. But I didn’t say that, because I didn’t want him to know. He would demand that I rest, drink fluids, and do whatever other dumb cliché things people always say, and then I would be alone. A stupid cold was not going to ruin my night.
“Next time, will you wait for me?” he asked gruffly.
“Sure.”
He frowned like he didn’t believe me or didn’t expect me to give in so quickly. “Okay… well, good. So, um, everything’s all set,” he said, then waited, probably to see if I was listening.
“Yeah?” I prompted.
Excitement began to take over his face. “Yup! Lucas is gone for the night, so we won’t have to deal with him. I’ve got food, drinks, and movies of the non-Halloween variety. I think if we bunk in, close the blinds, and refuse to answer the door, we can completely ignore Halloween. We just have to get you past SpongeBob safely.” He motioned to a guy across the quad, dressed up in a ridiculous costume and running in circles around a couple of girls. “I don’t think he’ll be a problem,” he added with a cocky smirk, flexing like he’d fight him.
Eric was really getting into my idea to ignore the holiday. He seemed legitimately excited for once. That just made everything worse.
He reached to take my bag in his typical gentlemanly fashion, but I clutched it tighter. “I can handle a shopping bag,” I muttered.
I winced at my harsh tone and watched Eric’s bright expression drop. I hadn’t meant to come across snippy. In fact, my goal for this night had been to cheer him up, to connect again the way we used to. And I was ruining it. Stupid, stupid…
“Are you feeling okay?” he asked.
“Of course I am.”
A couple people in our path stepped aside, heading in a different direction upon seeing Eric. He didn’t even notice; he was too focused on me.
“Does that bother you?” I asked, motioning to the people who were currently whispering and stealing cautious glances back at him.
“Not really. They’ll get over it,” he said with an unconcerned shrug. “People forget.”
I supposed he was right. He had been right when he said people would get over the Aurora thing. They’d get past the Mike thing, too. But being snubbed repeatedly would definitely get to me. He had some kind of strong shell around him from growing up with the label of “cursed killer” attached to his name. I guess if you could find your way out from under a label as heavy as that, you could handle any social curveball.
Eric draped his arm across my shoulders, and I released a long breath. His touch relaxed me, and oddly enough, it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders when in fact the opposite had happened. I rested my head against his side, letting him guide me in a straight path as we continued closer to the dorms.
“You’re sick, aren’t you?” he asked knowingly.
“Yes.” There was no point in denying what he had already figured out. “But I have my bottled miracle and after downing it, I’ll be good.”
Eric gently drew me to a stop. His cool fingers brushed against my forehead.
“Sandy, sweetie, you’re burning up,” he said softly.
“I’m fine.”
He looked lovingly into my eyes, and I couldn’t look away. He easily read the lie and pulled me closer, kissing my burning forehead. I melted dizzily into his embrace.
“Want me to carry you home? It would be my pleasure,” Eric offered.
“I’m not an invalid. Just point me in the right direction.”
He returned to my side and led me along with a hand firmly planted on my waist. By the time we reached my room, I’d resigned myself to the truth; I was incredibly sick. The stairs nearly killed me.
Eric opened the door.
“Last chance to have actual fun tonight,” Ashley snarled. She was dressed as an angel and layering on mascara at her mirror. “I don’t want to go to stupid Danny’s. No one else is any fun, and you’re ditching me to watch movies with-” She paused mid-rant. “Eric,” she uttered in surprise, watching as he guided my wilting body into the room.
I collapsed on my bed, the bag containing my “miracle” somehow forgotten as it hit the floor.
“Are you okay?” she asked with concern. In that delirious moment, her angel costume seemed fitting, with her platinum curls framing her round face, accented by glittery wings and a sympathetic expression.
I sighed into my pillow and Eric answered for me. “She’s got a pret
ty bad fever.”
“I’m sorry,” Ashley said with a pout. “Do you need anything?”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got this,” Eric assured her. He sat beside my limp form and opened the medicine. I reached for it, but he backed away, carefully measuring the proper dosage in the little plastic cup for me. I sucked it down and flopped onto my mattress again. Its effects spread up my nose quickly. I could almost breathe normally. What was it… eucalyptus? I closed my heavy eyes.
“Feel better,” Ashley said. She sounded far away. I attempted a nod and heard the door close softly.
Eric treated me like an invalid despite my earlier declaration, and I was too pathetic to protest. My purse was still slung over my shoulder, so he slid it off. I peeked at him as he diligently removed my shoes, then retrieved a bottle of cold water from Ashley’s mini-fridge. I pressed it against my blazing forehead instead of drinking it.
Eric watched me with a pensive expression. He looked adorable when concerned. “What do you need? Tissues? Tea? Soup?”
I shook my head slowly, trying not to agitate my pounding head or my scratchy throat, and sank further into my mattress. “I’ll be fine. Can you hand me the TV remote before you go?”
His brows pushed together. “Go? Where am I going?”
“I don’t know. Wherever you want.”
“I’m not leaving you,” he declared, sounding insulted.
I almost laughed. “You seriously want to stay here with me? Like this?”
“I want to take care of you,” he pleaded softly.
“Eric, I’m just going to lay here and eventually pass out. Not very eventful. You should just go. I can take care of myself. I got that medicine for myself.”
Anger ate at his worried expression. “You could have asked me to get it for you. You don’t have to do everything yourself, Cassandra. Stop treating me like I’ll be gone in the morning. This is real and lasting and I am asking you to lean on me, please.”
I was stunned into silence. So he had noticed it too. Apparently my fear of abandonment wasn’t such a secret. I knew I was safe with him, but changing a lifetime of feeling alone wasn’t easy.
“I’m trying,” I uttered guiltily.
“Then let me stay. Let me help.” He looked imploringly into my eyes until I nodded. “Tell me to do something. Anything.”
“Cuddle with me?” I asked sheepishly.
I felt stupid once the words left my mouth. Why would he want to curl up with a sick person? That’s how germs are spread. But he didn’t seem to mind. He obediently reclined at my side and carefully shifted closer until I was wrapped in his arms.
Eric’s hand drifted soothingly over my back. Up and down. My eyelids drooped drowsily and my face pressed against his chest as he calmed me completely with the constant motion. It suddenly seemed very quiet in the room. Our heartbeats were the only sound, steadily thumping slightly out of beat with each other.
“I’m going to order you tea and soup from the Chinese place, alright?”
“Okay,” I said in a hoarse whisper.
I didn’t remember falling asleep, but when I woke, Eric wasn’t there. Irrational worry coiled into violent nausea. He’s not coming back, my thoughts whispered. I had been too demanding. Too pathetic, needy, and headstrong.
Eric walked in, carrying a takeout bag from Golden Wok. I shifted to sit up, body aching and weary as I swallowed down my worry. His brow lifted as he looked to me. “You’re awake. Good. I’ve got soup for you.”
I drowsily pushed messy locks of hair back from my face. He opened the plastic soup container and propped pillows behind my back. I was too exhausted to insist on fending for myself, which was probably a good thing, given our recent argument. Eric seemed proud to be taking care of me.
I noticed a few changes to my room since before I’d fallen asleep. A vase of daffodils was set on my dresser. Beside the vase was a stack of comedy DVDs, one labeled “The Best of I Love Lucy,” a box of candy from the chocolate shop down the street, and a small bakery box. I knew what was in there. Cheesecake. My favorite. But where that box came from had to be so expensive. Was I missing something? It wasn’t our anniversary. Not Valentine’s Day. It seemed like an excessive spread for our Non-Halloween celebration.
He set up a lap desk across my thighs to hold my meal of soup and crackers. The steam from the soup felt moist against my face. Eric settled onto the bed at my side and pressed a tender kiss to my burning forehead.
“You don’t have to do all this,” I said awkwardly.
“I want to. I never got the chance to be there for you after your surgery,” he explained. “I wanted to be.”
I stared into my wonton soup, fiddling with my plastic spoon. The wafting steam made me start to sweat again. I shoved my long bangs back over my forehead and they sort of stuck like that. I knew it must look horrible, but I didn’t have the energy to fix them. I barely had the strength to sit up. My cold was hitting me hard now. Eric’s arm snaked around my back, helping to keep me upright.
“Did you really try to contact me back then? Was that the truth?” I asked quietly.
“Yes. I called, emailed, showed up at your door. I even argued with your parents at one point, but your mom wouldn’t let me in. I should have tried harder. I should have ignored what they wanted and just gone to you.”
“No,” I muttered to my soup. “If you had, Aurora might have killed me. I was so helpless back then.”
I couldn’t deny that his return to her had been the one thing that distracted her from finishing me off. I recalled the sleepiness and dizziness, the way I had always zoned out. Those first months were a blur. Most of it was spent in bed. How badly I had longed to have Eric there with me, to feel his arms close around me like they were now.
“You’re not helpless anymore,” he assured me. “You’re so strong. She doesn’t stand a chance against you now.”
Strong? I didn’t feel that way. I’d been feeling progressively more vulnerable each day since a year and a half ago when I’d discovered I had a brain tumor. My first brush with death in this life; the first of many.
“I hate that you went back to her,” I confessed bitterly.
He hung his head in shame. “I wanted to protect you. I didn’t know what else to do,” he whispered grimly.
Dating her kept her from attacking me, and secretly drinking was what kept his mind safe from her control, but he’d gone back, knowing what she was trying to do to him and what she’d tried to do to me. He’d played the doting boyfriend, all the while searching for a way out.
“You spent Christmas there,” I muttered. “I saw you searching her room.”
“You did?” he asked, sounding surprised. He looked down guiltily. “I did. I shouldn’t have sent her over to see you, but I needed something to get her out of the house.”
“Did you find anything?”
“Yes. But it wasn’t about me or you.” He hesitantly continued. “It was a box of things relating to Todd.”
“What kinds of things?”
“Things you should ask him about.”
As if Todd would tell me anything. Our relationship was practically nonexistent. It was my fault for handing him over to be Aurora’s fake boyfriend. I’d sold him out for my own happiness. A part of me had been convinced I’d been doing the right thing in allowing Aurora to trick him, but he made it abundantly clear that I had been selfish. He’d spent months doting on Aurora, sharing a bed with her. Yet another man shoved into her clutches because of me.
“Did you have sex with her?” I asked Eric resentfully.
The silence of his answer hurt. Why? Why did I have to ask questions I didn’t want the answer to? Why couldn’t I drop it?
He slowly answered. “I used every excuse possible to avoid it.” His voice was thick with restraint.
How could he? After already declaring his love for me? How could he have sex with someone else? Someone he didn’t even trust? Was sex that easy for him? He was a guy after all. And she
was gorgeous. And he’d loved her.
No. I couldn’t allow myself to think like that. I felt like I was prodding at an invisible wall, one that needed to be there. If I broke through it, we’d both end up hurting.
I turned back to my soup, praying that my fevered mind would change course and my mouth would never voice those nagging questions. Every once in a while, I’d get caught up in old feelings of betrayal and jealousy. I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I was afraid of the girl I’d been and the wild things she’d felt. The way she used to hurt, deep inside. I’d felt fractured.
“Did you ask your parents about Thanksgiving?” Eric said tensely, changing the subject. I nodded slowly. “You can’t come?” he assumed, voice low with disappointment.
I shrugged, as if that qualified as an answer. My parents’ refusal had been a bit frightening. Their reactions were possessive and threatening. I hadn’t been able to put forth an argument or even a compromise. They were too busy ganging up on me. Damn speakerphone.
“Is there any chance that they’ll stop hating me someday?”
“It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with Aurora,” I reassured him. Everything was always about Aurora.
My parents still visited her regularly and gave me updates on her progress. Apparently, her doctors were hopeful that she could be fully reintroduced to society very soon. I could only hope that “very soon” meant years. Decades would be nice. Was a century too much to ask for?
“Maybe my mom could talk them into letting you come,” Eric mused.
It was always that way with Eric. Mom, mom, mom. Never a mention of his father.
I sipped a spoonful of broth. It burned my tongue and I set my spoon aside, reaching for a cracker instead. “Why don’t you like your dad?” I asked.
“I like him.”
There was a long pause, a moment when I thought that would be his only answer and I would never know.
“We just haven’t always gotten along.” He reached over me, using my spoon to cut the enormous wontons into bite-sized pieces. “My family’s not exactly like yours,” he added. That was obvious. “We weren’t always together. I didn’t even meet my dad until I was in kindergarten.”
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