by Laine Watson
Though I am only a junior in high school, Darby and I live like college women. We party almost every night doing exactly what we had set out to do. Basically, we get free drinks from guys who fawn over us. With Darby by my side, I feel like the queen, like my beauty is unmatchable, and no man is worthy of having me.
Yes, it is blissful to have a friend and not feel as lonely as I once did. I’ve forgotten all about that bullied high school girl, who was sheltered, naïve, and in love. She’s gone; a beautiful, free of love, free of concern, fun, and lighthearted girl has taken her place.
I no longer love anyone because everyone loves me. They love the way I laugh, the way I talk, the clothes I wear, and my partner in crime. They love my body and the sense of mystery it bears. Those who don’t love me keep their words to themselves, or at least, away from me. Thinking of being serious with a guy or talking to a guy under any other circumstance is out of the question.
I revel in being a goddess and having people bow to my beauty. My new-found glory eliminates the insecurity and replaces it with breezy confidence. I have gone from a rejected, bullied girl to a worshipped woman in just a matter of months. The price I paid?
Losing myself. The nagging, ever-present truth of my mother not knowing anything about my life and the utter loneliness I try to hide, while wishing my mother or someone would truly love me, haunts me.
I sit in my calculous class thinking, It’s worth it. Who needs the real me? I don’t, and neither does anyone else. My friend doesn’t really know me, and I don’t really know her. But that’s the point, right? Don’t let anyone in and you can’t get hurt?
The bell snaps me out of my wandering mind, and I grab my things before I head toward the door.
I am almost out the door when my instructor calls, “Summer?”
“Yes, Ms. Ambers?” I say, turning back to her.
“Can I speak with you for a moment?” she asks sweetly.
“Um … yeah.” The request is unexpected.
“Please, have a seat,” she says, extending her hand to one of the chair-desks in the front of the room.
Pulling the chair-desk up toward her bureau, I sit down, facing her.
“You didn’t turn in your assignment.”
“It’s not due until Friday.”
“It’s Wednesday. It’s due today. Friday was the extension.”
“Well, I need an extension.”
She scoffs. “Do you ever pay attention in class, Summer?” She shakes her head in disappointment. “Why do you come?”
“Because,” I say annoyed.
“Summer, it doesn’t seem like you’re taking this seriously. The Junior Entrepreneur Program is an amazing opportunity.”
“Duh, I know. I want to hurry up and get it over with. If I take this class, I don’t have to take any other math classes when I’m actually in college. Plus, I don’t have to take any math classes my senior year. I’m just ready to graduate.”
“Is graduating actually something you see yourself doing?” she asks skeptically, her pitch elevated.
“Really? How gross are you? Teachers aren’t supposed to talk to their students like that?”
“We are when we care about our students. There’s no reason not to be blunt and honest, especially with such a promising one.”
“Whatever! I’m leaving,” I say about to get up. “You’d better be glad I’m too lazy to continue arguing with you.”
“Was that a threat?” Ms. Ambers huffs.
I shrug with folded arms, a careless attitude, and an annoyed face.
“Well, Ms. Vaughn, here’s a threat for you: if you don’t put any effort into this, I’m dropping you from my class. And I’ll see to it that you are no longer in the Junior Entrepreneur Program.”
“So? I don’t care! Ugh.” I roll my eyes.
“News flash: you should care. You don’t want to be dropped from this program. It might be harder to get into college if you do. All this goes on your record, Summer. I’m trying to help you.”
“Fine … whatever. I only have to deal with you for one semester.”
“So, you’re going to take this seriously?”
I sigh annoyed.
“Your test scores this semester are lower than last semester. I don’t understand. You did so well before. I am the one who personally called you back. You could have graduated early and gotten a solid stance on your career. Now, I wonder if you’ll even make it through the week. What happened?”
“Nothing happened. I don’t like this class. It’s stupid. That’s all.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“I don’t really care what you believe.”
Ms. Ambers sighs. “I know you can do this. I don’t know what happened, but I know this isn’t you.”
“Oh, my God! Ew! Stop talking to me like I’m some weirdo who can’t handle her own feelings. I don’t like you! I don’t like this class. That’s it!”
She sighs again. “Well, if that is it, then maybe someone around your age in a different setting can help you.”
“Huh?” I turn up my lip.
“We have tutors here. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. I think getting a tutor would be beneficial. You don’t have to pay for it. It’s right here on campus.”
“Do I still have to come to class?”
“Or course you do.” Ms. Ambers laughs. “But if you go, and at least meet with this tutor a few times, I won’t hassle you until it’s close to finals. We have one big test right before finals. I’ll only say anything if you don’t do well on that one.”
I test my luck. “So, like mid-terms? I could totally bust?”
“I wouldn’t suggest it.” She says in a low, stern voice, narrowing her eyes at me.
“Okay, I’ll go.”
“Really? Great. He’s really great. He’s—”
“He?!”
“Yeah! He went through a similar program, and he took this class in high school. Haruki Arima. He’s the best and…”
“Is he like an exchange student?”
“He’s a Japanese American, thank you,” she says with a little annoyance in her voice. “He’s really an outstanding—”
“I don’t care. Guys are gross. I don’t want to be alone with any disgusting guy, ever!”
“I don’t think…”
“Is there a girl or group tutoring?”
“No. Unfortunately, all Haruki has available right now are Tuesdays and Thursdays at six in the afternoon. The bus will wait for you, so you don’t have to worry about getting home. I’ve made all the arrangements.”
“What about another tutor?”
“Honestly, I think he’s your best chance.”
“How can…”
“He’s your only chance, Summer. Not just to ace the test but to finish the program. I really don’t see you completing it with this newly acquired attitude. He’s a smart boy who won’t distract you. If you want to get rid of me and this, as you say, stupid class, then go see Mr. Arima. Let him tutor you, and you won’t ever have to look at his face or mine ever again.”
In silence, I deliberate.
Who names their kid Haruki? He totally sounds lame, so of course he’s dedicated. He’s probably a loser. Well, at least I don’t have to worry about the nerd hitting on me. He’s probably too afraid to even look at me. I’ll just do this for a few weeks and maybe Ms. Ambers will leave me alone.
I roll my eyes. “Deal.”
***
Thursday evening, I head to Haruki’s dorm room for tutoring. The whole way there I mumble to myself, Obviously, the asshole nerd is looking to get laid—can’t get a girl any other way. Why else tutor in the privacy of your own dorm room? Stupid prick probably uses it to lure girls in there. Well, I hope I fall on his dick and disable it.
I walk up to the room and stop at the door when I hear voices. I take a big breath. I don’t want to do this. I hate guys. That and he’s probably an asshole. He’s going to be all like ‘look at me. I’m Asian an
d smart!’ I sigh. He’s going to think I’m some stupid American. Ugh! This is so dumb. What am I doing here when I’m not supposed to depend on guys for anything? I don’t even know how to act in this situation.
I shake off my anxiousness and knock on the door. No one answers, so I tune into the chatter. Huh? I know that voice. What’s his name? That guy from the club a few weeks ago … Hayden, He’s a disgusting loser. Figures he’d be friends with this guy. All assholes need a nerd asshole friend. I laugh to myself. I bet he’s never going to try to get with Darby again.
“Hey, so you want to go chill at this new spot? It’s probably not going to get crazy until way later,” Hayden says.
“I’ve got a new tutoring appointment. Maybe this weekend.”
“Right on.” Hayden pauses. The sound of cracking bones makes me cringe. One of them probably cracked their neck in the middle of the conversation. “You say that all the time, but you never actually come to hang out with us. Well, I’m going to get some food. You want something, Arima? Rice?” Hayden laughs.
“Racist. What are you eating? A burger?”
“Weak.”
“As if ‘rice’ was a low blow?”
“‘Low blow?’ I don’t roll that way.”
“You know I was born here, right?”
“Dude, I don’t care.”
“Shut up.” Haruki laughs, and Hayden joins him. “Can you just bring me some pizza?”
“Ah, pizza! The universal I-don’t-know-what-I-want food.” He opens the door.
I gasp and quickly move to the corner next to their room, my timid nature, seeping through the façade I’ve created for myself. I hide in the other hall while maintaining an eye on the door.
Hayden exits and says, “All right dude, Arigatō.” He bows.
“Um, that means ‘thank you,’” Haruki says, his voice coming from the room. “I know that, and I don’t even speak Japanese very well.”
“Shit, I thought I had it!” Hayden complains.
“Just say bye, weirdo!”
“Fine! I was trying to—”
Haruki cuts him off, “Whatever! Just get out!”
“Okay. You’re acting all weird. You must be tutoring a girl.”
“What?” Haruki says tensely.
Hayden leans against the door frame. “It is a girl!”
“I don’t even know her; never seen her before. She’s still in high school.”
“But it’s a girl?” Hayden asks. “Since I’ve known you, you haven’t gotten laid, right?”
“Seriously? You don’t know that! And like I said, she’s still in high school.”
“I’m just looking out for you. There are so many chicks who are always asking about you.”
“I don’t have time for girls.”
“You don’t have time to fuck? That’s all these girls are looking for. Everybody’s here for the same reason. Nobody is trying to get too serious—just need something to take the edge off, you know? Friends with benefits?”
“Girls complicate things.”
“So, you’re just going to stay a monk?”
I snicker. If it’s up to me, he will.
“I’m just saying, she’s going to be in your room … at night. You guys are alone. She’s failing her classes, and she needs your help. Sempai…”
“Shut up!”
“Maybe she is tightly wound up like you? Both of you may need a little release. I mean, if you don’t want to hook up, maybe you can show her the ropes? Guys who don’t get laid whack off to porn a lot. Maybe you can show her how porn stars get down. It’s the making of great erotic novels.”
“You read erotic novels?”
“Uh—n-no,” Hayden says, clearing his throat and adjusting his clothes for no reason. Even to me it was slightly suspicious. “I’m just saying.”
I snicker again. I’m going in now. It’s the perfect moment to make them blush.
I come around the corner and settle near Hayden, making myself visible.
“Hey, I know you.” Hayden smiles slyly, like the scumbag he is, when he sees me.
“No, you don’t, asshole.” I push him to the side and walk into the room.
“O-o-k-a-y,” he says.
I glance around the room as I clutch my bag to my chest. Staring down at a computer screen, with a nervous facial expression, is a boy whose eye color catches me by the throat. His eyes are illuminated by the light from the computer screen as he closes dialogue boxes and browsers. His cheeks are red.
Right away, I feel embarrassed because I notice too many details about him, like the blackness of his messy hair, which falls just past the nape of his neck and rounds his face, hiding his eyebrows and some of his eyes. It waves a little and almost curls where the tips have a hint of brown. I gulp when he looks up at me, neither of us noticing Hayden has made himself scarce.
Stop staring! I tell myself. He’s just a guy—a really hot guy—but still just a guy.
Satan!
You’re not here to do anything but math. There will be no ‘one plus one equals eternal love.’
I think this, but when he looks at me like he notices me, things I shouldn’t be thinking pop into my mind. He is so freaking beautiful.
“Hi,” he says, snapping me out of my stares. “You must be Summer. That was my roommate, Hayden.” He stands up.
He’s tall! He’s at least six feet tall. Perfect, I’d say. Stop it, Summer! He’s a guy. Say something mean—say something mean. My tongue is tied up by his gorgeousness.
“Uh, Summer?” Haruki asks.
“I thought Asians were supposed to be short,” I blurt out insensitively.
“What?” he questions as he stares at me, eyebrows furrowing, obviously trying to decipher my comment.
“Why are your eyes, like green or gray, or something? That’s so creepy,” I spit back. “And your name is stupid.”
“I was looking for something a little more on the lines of ‘Hi! I’m Summer. Thanks for agreeing to tutoring me since I’m a high school student. I’m sure you had lots of things to do on a Thursday night.’”
“You didn’t. Nobody does things with guys named Haruki.” I scoff.
Haruki sighs and gulps down his disappointment. “You can leave if you’d like. Everything that you’ve said to me has been based on some type of stereotype.”
“You probably have a small penis too,” I say disgusted.
Oh no! You don’t know anything about penises. Now he thinks you’re thinking about his penis! Why would you say that?! I chastise myself.
He’s speechless as we stare at one another.
Get it together, Summer. He is the enemy. I’ve been in countless situations, and I have conquered all of them. Why did he make my heart skip a beat? Why is he making these feelings, that I swore I’d never let rise again, come up?
“Get out!” he orders.
“Fine,” I say, turning away and stomping toward the door. “I don’t want to be here anyway. Asshole.”
He sighs seconds later. “No, I’m sorry.”
I gasp. No, don’t apologize! It’s a lie! My heart—you don’t care. Please don’t care … just let me leave. I grasp onto the end of my shirt.
“I really need this job,” he says. “You should be saying you’re sorry, but…”
Halfway to the door, I turn around.
“Can you not say racist things? Can we just talk about Calculus?”
“Whatever,” I say, walking back with an attitude and sitting in the chair near the desk.
He smiles tensely and appears to be a little annoyed as he sits down with palms up and fingers spread.
“Did you bring anything? Notes? Past tests? Questions? Or you want to start with the practice test, and whatever you don’t know how to do on there, we can work on it?”
“Um, yeah…” I shrug, trying not to gulp. I hold my hands tightly, so he won’t notice how much they’re sweating.
“Okay, I got it right here.” He pulls some papers from a manil
a folder.
The door swings open. “A-R-I-MA!” another tall, thin boy, who is dressed carelessly, greets enthusiastically.
Haruki smiles. “Hey. What’s up, Trent?”
Wow! Haruki’s smile is so perfect—perfect enough to make my heartbeat go through my chest. What’s wrong with me? I ask myself as he hands me the practice test. I quickly turn away from him and rummage through my bag for a pencil.
“What’s up, bro? You got a lady over?” Trent asks, even though he obviously sees me sitting there. “Hey, pretty lady. What’s your name?”
“Summer.” spills out of my mouth. I have no bitchy remarks or asinine comments flowing through my head. Who are these guys? And what are they doing to me?
Though it pains me to admit, they’re beautiful in different ways. A fleeting thought admitting to Hayden’s attractiveness also, annoys me. Haruki has pale creamy skin, muscular thinness and glistening starry greenish-gray eyes, while Hayden has peachy skin, light brown hair and strange hazel eyes. Trent, on the other hand, has dark, smooth chocolatey skin and perfect curly hair tied into a man bun.
Trent smiles. “That’s a pretty name.”
For some reason, I look at Haruki, and wonder, Does he like my name too? I gasp, surprising myself with my own thoughts. What? Why would I think that? That’s so stupid!
Haruki introduces us, “Summer, this is my honorary roommate. He’s not technically one, but he’s around here enough—he might as well be.”
“Oh, hi!” I say with a nervous smile and leave the two to their conversation.
“What are you guys up to? On a date?”
“We’re not on a date. We’re just taking care of some business. What’s up?” Haruki clarifies.
“Where’s Hayden?”
“He went to grab food.”
“On campus?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Okay, I didn’t mean to disturb you guys. It was nice to meet you, Summer.” Trent smiles with his too perfect smile. His smooth full lips seem too perfect for his face.
“Nice to meet you, too,” I say with a tiny voice that wavers with confusion and shock.
He turns toward Haruki and waves. “All right. Later, A-r-i-m-a!” After he walks out, he shuts the door.