“I’m here,” I say, sputtering through my cries.
“Don’t you ever give in.”
I nod furiously, holding him close, my head near his chest.
“It’s okay,” I whisper. “Just fall into it. Don’t be afraid.” The same words I told my mother the few seconds before she died.
I feel his body slump in my arms.
A gunshot goes off in the clearing and then another, but I ignore them. I uncurl Justin from my chest, the tears so thick I can barely see through them. His eyes are turned away from me, his face no longer showing any signs of pain. I heave, crying so hard I don’t make any sound. I draw in a deep breath and scream at the top of my lungs.
Luka tries to pry me away. I sink into his embrace. He pushes the hair from my face with blood-stained hands.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m so sorry.”
A tear trails down his cheek. “It’s not your fault.” He holds me tighter. “It’s not your fault.”
Shane covers Justin’s lifeless body with the blanket I used last night.
I wrestle myself free from Luka, and he releases me after some hesitation. I keep my eyes locked on Riley as he helps Shane move Justin under a blanket of fallen leaves. My sadness starts to fester into pure anger as I realize this will be the best we can do for him. No funeral. No tombstone. Just a thin covering of dry leaves.
“You son of a bitch!” I say, hurling my body toward Riley.
He stumbles back. I grab the collar of his shirt and press my face close to his.
“Why?” I yell.
Shane and Luka peel me away as Riley smooths his shirt back down.
“You don’t think I feel like shit over this?” he yells, his voice cracking. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry!”
I rip away from Shane and Luka and walk back toward the clearing. I see two bodies slumped on the ground and realize it’s the two Pigeons from before.
I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart. I could kill Riley for falling asleep. How could he? I walk toward the Pigeons, ignoring whoever it is calling my name, pleading me to come back.
The first Pigeon is lying face down, his eyes closed and his mouth slightly opened. The second Pigeon is lying on his back, a bleeding wound in his stomach. I’m surprised to find him still alive. He looks to me with wary eyes, his weapon just beyond his reach. He sputters incomprehensible sounds as I pick the gun up and point it at him. I hold my finger just above the trigger and watch as the Pigeon struggles to move from his spot.
His eyes plead to me, begging me to turn the gun away. I let my finger fall and pull the trigger back, hearing the crack of the gun. I stare with sick vengeful gratification at the now dead Pigeon.
Chapter 45
I closed my eyes last night, not caring much whether or not I ever woke. My eyes ached, my head throbbed, and my stomach was in knots. Eventually, I got tired of hearing Riley apologize.
“It’s not me who you should be apologizing to,” I finally said.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t hard to fall asleep, my brain and body numb from shock. When I woke this morning, my first thought was...
I. am. failing.
I felt a shift in my head when I killed that Pigeon. There’s no need for a reasonable excuse. I didn’t think about the job he was doing or the family he probably had back home. None of it matters to me anymore.
The eyes of the group stared at me, speechless, as I walked back from the clearing, gun in hand, eyes flamed with rage. Maybe they were just as shocked of Justin’s death as I was or just plain frightened at what they had witnessed. Nobody uttered a single word.
As I sit in front of the fire, I stare into the flickering flames, letting my mind wander into a deadened state. I used to find it hard to not think about anything, but it’s coming easy to me now.
Jack has taken us to another camp location he uses higher up the mountain. None of us have talked about what our next move is. We’ve all been quiet, having conversations in our heads. But eventually, one of us is going to have to speak up. We can’t hide out here forever, as much as I wished we could.
I lay my head down on the ground and inhale the smell of the dirt and grass. I try to pretend I’m at Razor Pointe on a lazy summer day, but memories convince me otherwise. All I can hope for now are my dreams.
* * * *
Waking up with the back of your head covered in dirt and gravel is never a good start to the day. My stomach grumbles. We are running out of supplies. We’ll have to make decisions soon.
Everyone stares at me.
“What the hell are you guys looking at?” I finally ask when no one opens their mouth.
Luka clears his throat. “Are you…are you feeling okay?”
It’s like he’s talking to a mental patient.
“I’m fine. Why?” I ask, rubbing the back of my neck.
They all shoot quick glances at one another.
“Well,” Shane says. “You were screaming in your sleep last night. We tried to wake you, but you ended up punching me in the face.” Shane points to a light shadow underneath his eye.
“I don’t remember,” I say under my breath. “Where’s Riley?” I scan the campsite for his face.
“He’s gone,” Shane says. “Sarah left with him.”
“Coward,” I whisper.
They share darted looks once again, and this time I stand up in frustration.
“Enough with the looks!”
“Hazel…” Luka begins. “We just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“And what if I’m not?” I ask. “What do you think you can do about it?” The words come out harsh and fast. Luka looks away, disappointment spreading across his face.
I stomp off, needing some space.
“Where are you going?” I hear Shane shout.
“Bathroom,” I yell, not bothering to look back.
I guess it’s good enough because I don’t hear anything after that.
* * * *
I pull Rhea’s diary out of my bag and go over the pages one more time. Jack and Luka left to try and hunt down some real food, leaving Shane and me alone. We spent the whole day lying around, once again avoiding any conversation. The pain in my arm and side is dull and throbbing, but it’s nothing compared to the pain I feel in my heart.
It’s breaking.
A deep break, the fissures weakening the beating muscle. It’s different from the kind of pain that happens when your secret crush is in love with your best friend. I’ve felt that before. No, this kind of break is even more unbearable. It comes after the owner of the heart has lost more than is humanly possible to endure. The deeper the love, the deeper the break, and I fear my heart has cracked in half.
“Is that it?” Shane asks me.
I nod, afraid that if I open my mouth to speak, it will give away the hopelessness I feel.
“Well? What does it say?” He picks up a large rock off the ground and tosses it in his hands.
I shrug and purse my lips, still not uttering a word.
“Now you’re giving me the silent treatment?” He throws the rock into a huge bush, sending a flurry of birds into the sky.
I watch as they flutter their wings, envious of how easy it is for them to escape. I turn to the last passage of the diary and close my eyes. She’s telling me something. But what exactly?
“You know,” Shane says. “I’m going to have to go back to Eight.” He doesn’t look at me when he says it, knowing I won’t like the news.
I switch my stare between him and the diary. Maybe I could try to find Hayden somehow.
And then it hits me so hard the thought alone knocks the breath out of me.
“I know,” I mutter. “And I’m coming with you.”
The only thing between us is the fire he just started.
“What?”
I sit up straight as the idea becomes more and more clear in my head. It’s crazy. Insane even. But it’s going to take every ounce of insanity in me to pull this off.<
br />
“I’m coming with you,” I say, not sure how much clearer I can be. “It’s the only way I’ll be able to make it into First City alive.”
Shane prods the fire before shifting his eyes to me. “You’re just going to waltz into Eight, hanging on to my arm?” He laughs and looks out into the trees. The sun has sunk behind the mountains, leaving only a hint of orange and red in the sky to prove its existence.
“It’s the only plan we got.”
“Plan? That’s not a plan, Hazel. That’s a good way to get caught.”
“If I’m there with you, nobody will think twice. Think about it. We can tell them I’m your—”
“Girlfriend?” he says with a smirk before shaking his head. “It’s too risky. If my uncle catches on, you’re as good as dead. We both are.”
“He won’t. You didn’t even recognize me.”
Shane’s eyes are squinted in concentration. Maybe he’s trying to decide if I’ve completely lost my mind.
“What about Luka?” he finally asks. “He’ll never agree to it.”
“Luka doesn’t make decisions for me,” I say. “He’ll understand that it’s the only way.”
He’ll have to.
Chapter 46
I’ve never eaten squirrel before. I’ve seen it skewered across street vendors carts, the flies hopping from one roasted carcass to another. It never seemed appetizing enough to spend the money on.
I rip my teeth into the steaming meat and pull it from the tiny bones. It tastes so good I lick every piece from my greasy fingers.
I watch Shane, Luka, and Jack tear into their small pieces. Our group is slowly dwindling, and soon it will lose two more members. I try not to stare at Luka as I think about what to say to him. It’s not going to be easy, and the thought makes me want to empty my stomach.
I promised Shane I would be the one to share my idea. He was afraid Luka would think it was his brilliant plan. I have to admit—it’s probably not too far off Luka’s train of thought.
“So,” Jack says, breaking the silence. “Have you guys thought about your next move?”
“I have an idea,” I blurt out.
Everyone stops chewing, except for Shane. I look Luka straight on, knowing I’m not only about to make him angrier than ever before, but I’m about to break his heart, too.
“I’m going to First City.”
“That was already the plan,” Luka says. “We just have to figure out a way to get there in one piece.”
“No,” I say. “I mean…I’m going there alone. Not alone, with Shane. He’s going to help me get in.”
Luka’s eyes lock on me, and I squirm under his scrutinizing glare. He throws the clean bone on the floor, his face reddening. “What are you talking about?” The vein in his neck bulges with his thumping heartbeat. He looks at Shane. “You talked her into this, didn’t you?” He gets up from the ground as Shane does the same.
Jack looks up, his hands still wrapped around a piece of meat.
Shane throws his hands up. “It was her idea.”
“The hell it was!” Luka says, stomping toward Shane like a charging bull.
Jack finally abandons the last of his dinner and gets up. But it’s too late. Luka has already made the first shove.
“Stop it!” I yell as Shane shoves back.
They both ignore me, and their shoves turn into a wrestling match. I stand up and help Jack pry them off each other, hoping not to get a black eye in the process.
Jack manages to separate Luka and Shane, each one with their chests heaving.
I push Luka into the woods using every bit of my energy to move his resisting body. He doesn’t look at me at all, only hurls threats at Shane.
“Will you cut it out!’ I push until we are far enough into the trees that I can barely see the campfire.
Luka snatches his arm away and turns around so that I have a good view of his back. He lowers his head and rubs the back of his hair. “You can’t do this, Hazel.”
I pause, knowing there is no easy way around this. “I have to, Luka.”
He whips around, his face scrunched up and splotchy. “We can think of a better plan. Together.”
“There is no better plan.”
“That’s it? You leave for Eight and I’m supposed to let you?”
I can see the remorse on his face as soon as the words leave his lips.
“It’s my decision to make, Luka.”
“Maybe I would have felt better if this decision were made after discussing it as a group. Not some half-assed plan you and Shane made behind my back.”
“It’s not like that, and I’m disappointed you would even utter the words.”
A breeze cuts through us, and the temperature drops a few more degrees. I’m fighting the urge to touch him for fear I won’t let go.
“What am I supposed to do while you’re in First City, besides disappoint you?”
Little daggers hit my chest. I’ve used my words to hurt him, and I feel like shit about it.
“I need you to go back to Airport City—”
“No!” he says, coming closer to me.
He stops until we are just a few inches apart. He wraps his arms around me just above the spot where the bullet grazed my skin. His eyes flutter back and forth as I gaze back at him, frozen in place. His lips land on mine. He breaks away from the kiss, leaving me dazed and breathless.
“You’re not going there without me,” he whispers.
I blink a few times, trying to clear away the fogginess.
“It’s too dangerous for you to go,” I say. “I can’t let them take you from me.”
“We can find a way—”
“No, Luka.” The words fly from my lips like poisonous darts, a choking feeling swelling my throat. “We both know it’s the only way this works.” I cradle his face, the once prickly beard now grown soft. “I love you.”
His hands touch mine. His weary eyes search my face. “I love you.”
“I’ll come back as soon as I can.”
He holds me tighter. “Promise me,” he says. “Promise you’re coming back to me.”
“I promise.”
He plants one more kiss on my lips, and I feel the dampness of his skin. He abruptly pulls away and walks past me, back to camp, not bothering to look behind to see if I’m following.
I sink to my knees; the pain searing through me makes it impossible to stand. Clenching the grass, I grind my teeth to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs.
* * * *
Once I am convinced I’ve gotten it all out of my system, I walk back to camp. The deafening silence burns my ears. As much as I try, I can’t ignore the buzzing in my brain, the one telling me something isn’t right. When I finally reach the small clearing, the fire has dulled into a soft glow. Jack is sprawled out, asleep already or pretending to be at least. Shane is huddled cross-legged on the ground, mindlessly throwing scraps of food into the fire.
When he looks up at me, he says nothing, letting my eyes wander around the campsite. I feel something missing, or more like someone.
“Where’s Luka?” I ask, trotting closer to Shane and Jack. My eyes flicker desperately, checking every square inch on the ground, hoping to see him huddled on the floor somewhere.
“He’s gone,” Shane mutters.
“What?” I yell. I run to the edge of the clearing, screaming out Luka’s name.
“Hazel, do you want every Pigeon from here to Eight to know where we are?”
Shane tugs on my arm, pulling me back toward the fire.
“How–how could you let him leave?” I cry. “How?”
“What was I supposed to do? He came stomping back here, grabbed his shit, and took off!”
“And you did nothing to stop him.” I mean for it to come out as a question, but knowing the answer already, it sounds more like an accusation.
Shane says nothing, just stares at me, crickets the only ones making any noise.
I try to find a spot on the floor to
sleep. I grab my bag and plop as far away from Shane and Jack as I can. It’s colder this far away from the fire, but it doesn’t matter. No fire big enough can defrost the bitter cold I feel deep down. The absence of Luka’s body next to mine already creates an ache so deep that it feels like it’s eating my insides. I know why he left the way he did. It still doesn’t make the truth any easier to accept. Panic floods my better sense, and I have the urge to run through the woods to look for him. Bring him back to camp. Forget this place and this impossible mission. No one asked us to do this. This wasn’t something I’d planned to do with my life. It was thrown into our laps, and it was too late to back out now. People were depending on us. Netty, Catherine, Uncle Will, Aunt Rhea, Gracie, Caleb, Justin…the list grows longer every day. I don’t want to do this without Luka. But a worse fate will fall upon us the moment he enters Eight. And losing Luka forever isn’t something I can survive.
I close my eyes and hope for sleep, wishing harder than ever for a new day.
* * * *
When I woke up this morning the panic seized me still. I dreamt last night of faceless people, all of whom I have lost one way or another. I had forgotten what they looked like, a fear that haunts me ever since my mother’s death. I picture her face every day, hoping to preserve their memory in my head. Each time, the holes in the images get bigger, and now I’m not so sure I’m picturing them the same. Today is the new day I had wished for over and over last night, until I finally fell asleep for a few hours. I’m anxious to move on, to make the next move. The last few days have made me feel stagnant and useless.
Jack was the first to wake, not surprisingly, and has already packed his bag. Apollo sits on his shoulder, his head bobbing around watching Jack’s every move. Their exchange is seamless, as if Apollo can anticipate Jack’s every thought. I realize that out here, they only have each other, their survival greatly dependent on their ability to work together.
Shane rearranges the things in his bag, his eyes casually wandering over in my direction from time to time. I felt his presence hovering over me last night. I pretended to be sleeping, not wanting to hear reasons or excuses. Luka is gone, and as easy as it is to blame Shane, I know I am the only one at fault.
The Unforgiven (The Propagation Project Book 1) Page 22