by Bev Prescott
“It matters because I care about you,” Zoe said.
“Don’t.”
“Why are you so angry?”
Alex ignored her and drove the boat faster toward the camp. The speed caused the boat to bounce hard in the troughs of the waves. She couldn’t restrain her bad behavior even though she recognized it as clear as day. She purposely let the boat glide up on shore too quickly. The boat jerked to a stop on the sandy beach in front of the camp.
“I prefer anger to fear,” Alex said.
“Why do you have to feel either?” Zoe paused. “They’re both toxic.”
Alex clenched her jaw. “That’s all I’ve known since my brother died.” She stepped over the bow. The realization that she could’ve possibly gotten them both into trouble out on the water while she had a panic attack sobered her. “I shouldn’t have put you in harm’s way. I promise it won’t happen again.” She grabbed her backpack and slid the boat key into the pocket of her shorts. “I have things to do. I’ll see you later.”
Zoe followed her out of the boat and stepped into her path. “You checked out while operating a boat in some pretty deep water. The depth on the back side of that island drops off to over two hundred feet.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
“It wasn’t me I was worried about.” Zoe put her hands on her hips. “I can swim fine. I was never in any danger. But you—”
“Stop.” Alex’s growing need to have someone close nearly broke her resolve, and not just someone at that, but Zoe. “Please, don’t say anything. I don’t know what to do with whatever it is you might say. I can’t handle anymore.”
She stormed away, propelled by something other than fear that she couldn’t quite articulate. Whatever she felt had its genesis in Zoe.
Chapter 17
A sharp pain sliced into Alex’s side beneath her ribs. Her legs burned. The steeper the hill became, the harder she pushed her body. The fact that it took longer and more effort than usual to wash away her anxiety suggested only one option. If she wanted to keep her sanity, she needed to get as far from Maine as possible, sooner rather than later. The panic attack she’d had the day before in the boat with Zoe was all the evidence she needed to know that coming back to Maine had been a huge mistake. She was running on fumes.
Instead of continuing toward the camp, she turned right onto Old Town Road. A little farther and she saw Hiccup parked in front of the library on the right-hand side.
The Town Hall’s parking lot next door was filled with cars and trucks with out-of-town license plates. Most likely they were the many seasonal residents coming to pick up their transfer station stickers and fishing licenses. The Town of Glasgow had always been the summer place of escape for city people who worked too hard during the week and craved its easy peace and quiet on the weekends and vacations. Ironically, in so many fleeting moments since she’d been back, Alex had felt that way too, only to have her peace crushed by the awful memories haunting her.
She slowed to a walk to catch her breath. A rotund, orange tabby cat guarded the library entrance. It mewed at her when she scratched the back of its ear. “Hello, Sweet Pea,” she said. “Where can I find Sally?” The cat purred and rubbed against her leg.
Sally was pouring a cup of coffee when Alex entered the library. Buddy was sleeping on his bed in a corner of the room while seven puppies played in the entryway, jumping over each other. One rolled in dirt from a potted plant tipped over on the floor, and another gnawed on a book.
Alex couldn’t help laughing at the puppies, who seemed content in Sally’s care. “I sure hope that isn’t a book that gets checked out regularly.”
“Hello, darling. A little spilled dirt, some puppy slobber, and frayed edges won’t hurt a thing.” Sally grinned as she replaced the pot in the coffeemaker.
Alex bent down and scratched the puppies that were eager for attention. “They all have such big feet. I guess they’ll be big dogs when they grow up.”
Sally joined in the scratching and patting of the puppies. “They’re such irresistible darlings. Doc Parsons thinks they’re part German Shepherd and Lab, so they’ll certainly fill a lap and then some once they’re grown.” She straightened and smoothed her cotton dress with its big yellow sunflowers. “To what do I owe this lovely surprise? I hope you’ve come to talk about what happened at the dance the other night. You’ve been scarce since then.”
Alex stepped over the puppies and into the room. “If you have a minute, I need to talk to you.”
“Sure, honey. What’s on your mind?”
“I’m going back to California in the next couple of days, as soon as I’m able to book a flight.”
Sally’s expression became serious. “I think we’re going to need more than a minute. Let me pour you a cup of coffee too. We’ll go sit out on the bench where it’s comfortable to chat.” She took a cup from the rack next to the coffeemaker and filled it. “A little cream and sugar?”
“Just cream, thanks. I gave up sugar when I came to the realization that I’d inherited my mother’s anxiety. It’s the one thing she and I have in common. Sugar only makes it worse.”
Sally tipped some cream into the cup and handed it to her. “Come, let’s go sit in the sun. Let’s go, darlings,” she said to the puppies, clapping her hands. The puppies dutifully lined up behind her. Buddy briefly lifted his head, but made no move to join them.
Sally laughed. “I suppose Buddy could use a few minutes of peace and quiet.” She retrieved the cup of coffee she had poured for herself.
Alex followed Sally and her canine crew out into the perennial garden behind the library. A rustic stone walkway snaked through lupines in full bloom to a mahogany bench nestled among the flowers. “Your garden is as beautiful as always.”
“I can’t take any of the credit. Betty Raines still volunteers to do all the gardening here.” Sally sipped her coffee. “You’d never know it’s been so hot and dry outside. Betty has the greenest thumb in Maine. Her lupines are the loveliest you’ll find south of the Androscoggin River.”
“She must be in her nineties now, right?” Alex asked.
“The old girl turned ninety-three this past January.”
“It’s great that she’s still getting out and volunteering.”
“Her great-great grandson brings her over every few days to weed and water. He sticks around and does the heavy lifting for her. He’s a good boy. Keeping busy is what helps Betty stay on her feet after all these years. She lives for her gardens in summer.” Sally patted Alex’s knee. “Now, you didn’t come here to talk about flowers. What’s this business about leaving so soon?”
Alex set her coffee cup on the wicker table next to the bench. She fiddled with the bottom hem of her shorts. “I had a bad anxiety attack yesterday. I lost it out on the lake while I was in a boat. The wind kicked up near the island.” She breathed in deeply. “It brought back the night that Jake died. I couldn’t help thinking about him going under. His face was all I could see.”
“Instead of rushing off, is there someone you’ve been seeing back in California who you could call? I remember that you used to be able to call Dr. Kestler while you were away at school whenever you needed to talk things through.”
“I was seeing a therapist for a while. But I’ve been so much better the last year or so that I stopped going. Exercise, diet, and distance from Maine have done wonders to keep the anxiety at bay. But being here is throwing it all right back in my face, and I can’t handle it. That’s why I need to get out.”
“We haven’t spent much time talking about my recollections of the day those fires burned this town almost to the ground all those years ago. A lot of people lost everything in the blaze. They rebuilt and went on with their lives, but for some the memories got too heavy to carry around after a while. Their hearts gave out under the weight, and they were forced to deal with what happened, one way or the other.”
Sally looked at her. “Alex, darlin’, Jake’s death was even bigger
than that fire. One of these days, you’re going to have to stop running long enough to sort it through once and for all. Maybe you could call over to the Portland Hospital where you were hospitalized after your breakdown and find out if Dr. Kestler is available to talk to. I’m sure she’d be happy to see you after all this time.”
“I’m not sure I want to talk about it again, even with Dr. Kestler. It’s like being turned inside out, having to rehash things. I don’t think I have it in me. All I want to do is leave so I don’t have to.”
“I know, honey. That was an awful time. Do me a favor, though. Why don’t you take a few days to think about it and let things calm down first? Then decide whether to go back to California now, or at the end of the summer. Make sure it’s the right thing to do.”
“Zoe was with me in the boat the other day. I almost let us crash into rocks. It’s one thing if I get hurt, but what if something bad happened to Zoe because of me?” Alex slumped against the back of the bench. “I completely lost it. I’d never forgive myself if I hurt her.”
“You care about her, don’t you? I could see that at the dance.”
“I do, which is another reason I have to leave. I don’t want to be a source of hurt for her. I know myself. It’ll happen, and I won’t be able to stop it. The best place for me is alone where my dysfunction can’t hurt anyone else, especially Zoe.”
“You want to go back to your cave where no one knows your history.” Sally hesitated. “I’m not sure running away to California is going to solve anything. Your father told me you still haven’t gone to see your mother yet, and here you are, planning to leave.”
“Even if I did stay, I’m still not sure I’d go see her.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I don’t feel anything for her anymore. The mother I knew died when Jake died. The woman in that hospital room isn’t someone I even care to know. So why bother?”
Sally was quiet for several moments before answering. “At my age, I know a lot about what it’s like when people in your life die. When they go, feelings you can’t imagine emerge from someplace deep down, even when it’s a person you didn’t think you had any feelings for. Your mother is going to die soon. That much is certain. You may not think so now, but you will feel something when that happens. My advice is to deal with her now while you still have a chance to tell her how you feel. It may end up being the most important thing you need to do to resolve things so you can go on with your life. You have to finally deal with this, Alex.”
“I’ve been dealing with it my entire adult life. I’m just so exhausted.”
“I know, sweetheart,” Sally said. “Maybe that’s why it’s time to try something different so you can put it away for good. Think about my library attic. It’s filled with the history of this town, all neatly tucked away in boxes. Every now and then, the boxes rattle at me and I find myself opening them and going through their contents. I get rid of the stuff that has no value and keep the rest neatly organized. That’s how it is with life. If you don’t get rid of stuff that’s no good, you end up carrying it around unnecessarily. All it gets you is weighed down.”
“I don’t know if I’m even able to be in the same room with my mother, let alone resolve things. Please try to understand.”
“Here’s what I see. You were so young when your brother died. It was tragic and it never should’ve happened. You haven’t let him go because you haven’t found a way to forgive your parents. In particular, your mother.”
A poisonous rage boiled in the pit of Alex’s stomach at the thought. “She doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.” She balled her hands into fists. “I’ve tried so hard to feel something for her other than… I can’t even say the word.”
“Maybe you can’t because deep down, you don’t really feel that way.” Sally put an arm around her. “Keep in mind, forgiveness isn’t about the people who’ve caused the harm. Sometimes, we have to find a way to forgive the unforgivable in order to free ourselves. Sweetheart, no child should ever have to endure what you did. Unfortunately, parents are flawed human beings too and sometimes they do stupid, awful things. Stay home awhile. Take the time to sort it all out so you can finally leave what happened behind.”
Alex rested her head on Sally’s shoulder. “I wish I could go home, but I don’t know where that is anymore. Glasgow was always home. Before Jake died, I never imagined that I’d ever leave. I loved it here.” She sighed. “I wanted to feel that way again, especially being here in summer. The sweetest times of my life were spent here, playing on the lake in the sun.” She closed her eyes. “Sometimes, I’m so lonely. All I can think to do is run.”
“The trouble with running is that one of these days, you won’t be able to run fast enough. The stuff that rattles around inside of us grows relentless. It’ll consume you eventually if you let it. I wonder if you haven’t given yourself the time to mourn your loss.”
The statement didn’t make sense. “I’ve mourned Jake’s loss every day since he died.”
“I’m not talking about Jake, honey.” Sally pointed a finger at her heart. “You haven’t mourned the hurt and betrayed little girl inside you. Find her, and let her go.”
Alex didn’t want to find her. She feared being reacquainted with that carefree, hopeful child and reliving the pain of seeing her crushed by those she loved most. The memory would be too unbearable. Better to leave her buried beneath the rubble.
Anxiety-inducing hormones she’d inherited from her mother, combined with being a person so lost, covered her in a blanket of concrete. She could barely move, let alone breathe. I should’ve gone down with Jake that night. The words hammered at her soul. Words she would never say aloud to anyone.
Chapter 18
Later that afternoon, Alex sat at the desk in her father’s study with the wireless phone to her ear. It would’ve been easier to make airline reservations online, but she hoped that if she spoke to someone in person, they might be able to find her a cheaper flight.
“No, I understand that the prices are a lot higher since I’m trying to fly out tomorrow morning. Yes, I’d like to go ahead and book it. Please use the same credit card you have on file.” She scribbled down the flight information in a notebook. “Sure, two hours before. Thank you for trying to help with the price of the ticket. Good-bye.” She pushed the Off button and set the phone in its cradle.
Daniel cleared his throat.
Alex jumped. “Hi, Dad.”
He stood in the doorway. “The other night, you played the ukulele beautifully at the dance. I wish you hadn’t run off like you did. We were all having such a good time. The dance pretty much came to an end after that.”
It was typical of her father to ignore her pain only to focus on the camp instead. “I couldn’t help it. I miss Jake so much, especially being here. That song was for him.”
“You and Zoe did a good job of setting the buoys and No Trespassing signs. I had Chuck go over to make sure the buoys are still secure.”
“Why do you always change the subject when it comes to Jake?”
“Why do you have to make everything about him? Why can’t you move on? Get on with life already.”
Alex considered trying to explain to him how she felt, but it would be futile. He didn’t want to think, let alone talk, about Jake. What would be the point? “Thank you for letting us close the island. I really want the eaglets to make it, both of them.”
He stared out the window behind her for several long moments. “I heard you on the phone. Are you going somewhere?”
She hadn’t had time to figure out how she was going to tell him she was leaving. Unfortunately, he had her cornered, and she had no choice but to just do it. “Yes, home… to California.” Alex let out a breath. “Tomorrow morning.”
His hands trembled, and he shoved them into his pockets. “How can you do this to me and your mother? She’s going to die. You’ll never see her again.” His disappointment bored into her. “This is your home.” His jaw clenched.
>
“No, it isn’t.”
“We always told you kids you’d have a home to come to. Why can’t you see that?”
Alex’s mouth dropped open in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? Don’t you remember the stipulations Mom placed on me and Jake so we could stay in this so-called home?”
“Your mother was worried about both of you. She was only trying to protect you.” His voice filled with anger. “She did the best she could for you and Jake.”
“No, she did the best she could for herself.” Alex sighed in disgust and let the clean, untainted part of her soul be covered by the poison in her heart. Since she couldn’t slam her fists against her father’s chest, she’d let her words do it for her. “You want to know what Mom did? I’ll tell you. It’s because of her that Jake died. In fact, she might as well have been the one who killed him with the things she said. And you stood by and let it happen.”
Alex stood and shoved her chair away from the desk. Her mother’s hurtful rage reflected inside herself, and it made her feel sick. Her hands trembled. She held them up and considered them. These were her mother’s hands. She hated herself as much as she was sure her mother hated her. An icy wind blew into her soul and froze any last remnants of warmth she may have felt for her parents. Now that she said these things to her father, one more piece of her was dead along with Jake.
Daniel stood as stunned as if she’d slapped him across the face. He seemed to wither around the edges. “We did everything for you kids.” He spoke quietly and deliberately. A mucky quagmire of emotions played across his face. His eyes welled with tears, and his words didn’t match his expression. “Jake turned out to be a coward, and you’re nothing but selfish. You’re right. This isn’t your home anymore. I don’t want you sleeping in this house tonight. You’re welcome to stay in the staff quarters. But then I want you out for good.”
His Adam’s apple slid along his frail, skinny neck after the hurtful words left his mouth. It had the effect of dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s of what he’d said. He left the room without saying more.