by Joy Fielding
“Thanks, Mom,” Cindy said as the phone was answered on its first ring.
“Esthetics by Noelise,” a woman’s voice announced.
“I’m sorry. What?”
“Esthetics by Noelise?” the woman repeated, as if she were no longer sure.
“Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. I must have the wrong number.”
“No problem.”
“Esthetics by Noelise;” Cindy told her mother, hanging up the phone.
“What’s that?”
“Where Julia gets her legs waxed.”
“Try the next one.”
The second number belonged to Sushi Supreme, the third to a local talent agency Julia was hoping to sign with. “Last one,” Cindy said, punching in the final set of numbers, listening as the phone rang four times before being picked up by voice-mail.
“You have reached the offices of Granger, McAllister,” the taped message began. “Our normal hours of operation are from nine to five, Monday through Friday. If you know the extension of the person you wish to speak to, you may enter it now. If you would like to access our company directory . . .”
Cindy hung up the phone.
“What’s the matter?” her mother asked, already at her side.
“Granger, McAllister,” Cindy repeated. “Why do I know that name?”
“A law firm?”
“No, I don’t think so.” Cindy pictured the name written in broad strokes across the beige tile floor.
When he first started working at Granger, McAllister, it was just this tiny firm.
“They’re architects,” Cindy said flatly, hearing Faith’s voice.
“What would Julia want with an architect?”
“I have no idea.” I think Ryan has a girlfriend. Was it possible Julia and Ryan were involved? “But I’m damn sure going to find out.”
The phone rang just as she was reaching for it.
“It’s Julia’s line,” Cindy said, her finger hesitating over the key for line two.
“Answer it,” her mother urged.
Cindy took a deep breath, pressed the appropriate key, picked up the phone. “Hello.”
“Julia, it’s Lindsey. I’m at The Yoga Studio. What’s taking you so long?”
“I’ll be right there,” Cindy replied in Julia’s breathy whisper, then hung up the phone, her heart racing. “I’ve got to go.”
“What do you mean, you’ve got to go? Where are you going all of a sudden? What are you doing?”
Cindy didn’t answer. The truth was she had no idea what she was doing, or what she would do when she got to The Yoga Studio. She grabbed her purse from the front closet and was already at the door when the phone rang again. Her line. She turned toward the sound, Julia’s name freezing on her lips, as her mother picked up the phone.
“It’s Leigh,” her mother said. “She’s calling to see if you know where I am.”
Cindy opened the front door, swallowed a deep gulp of air. “Don’t tell her anything.”
Her mother nodded understanding. “I’m sorry you were worried,” Cindy heard her say as she was closing the front door. “But something’s happened here. Julia’s missing.”
TWELVE
THE Yoga Studio was located in an old six-story building on the north side of Bloor Street just west of Spadina, across the street from a large grocery store and the central branch of the JCC. For some reason, in the last several years, this nondescript studio in an unfashionable part of town had become a favorite spot for visiting celebrities to unwind and work out, which was the main reason Cindy knew her daughter frequented the place. Occasionally Julia had regaled her mother with tales of stretching out beside the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow and Elisabeth Shue. One day, she’d vowed, other girls would be telling their mothers they’d worked out beside Julia Carver.
There was nowhere out front to park, so Cindy spent almost fifteen minutes navigating the area’s frustrating arrangement of one-way streets before ending up back on the main road. Spotting someone pulling out of a space on the south side of Bloor, Cindy promptly executed an illegal U-turn, causing the driver in the car behind her to jam on her brakes, and eliciting a raised middle finger from the driver in the oncoming lane, a middle-aged man who pulled up beside Cindy’s tan-colored Camry as she was backing into the freshly vacated spot and sat on his horn until she turned off her engine. Cindy sat staring out her front window, refusing to look at the man in the car beside her, knowing he hadn’t left her enough room to open her door, and that if she wanted to leave her car, she’d have to climb across the front seat and use the passenger door. She checked her watch, feeling the man’s eyes burning acid-powered holes through the car window.
“What’s the hurry, lady?” she heard him shout through two layers of glass. “You have a bladder problem?”
Oh dear, she thought, not sure what to do. So many angry people in this world. So many crazy people. She shuddered. What if Julia had encountered such a man? Suppose she’d inadvertently said or done the wrong thing, offended someone in some innocent, unforeseen way?
“You almost got us both killed back there,” the man raged.
Cindy saw his arms waving with much agitation around his head, as if he’d stumbled into a nest of bees. She pictured a knife in those hands, heard Julia’s distant screams. Her eyes filled with tears. Behind the man’s car, horns began beeping, urging him forward. Still he didn’t move. Was he planning to sit there all day?
Cindy pushed the tears from her cheeks and rechecked the time. It was getting late. The yoga class would be half over by now. Lindsey might have already given up on her tardy friend and gone home. She couldn’t just sit here all morning waiting for this lunatic to leave. “I’m sorry,” she said sincerely, turning in the man’s direction, noting that fury had reddened his complexion and distorted his features, like a clumsy finger through clay. “I didn’t mean to cut you off.”
“Lady, you should be shot,” came the man’s instant retort. Then he pulled away, extending his middle finger high out the window in a final blistering farewell.
Cindy pushed open her door, hearing the blast of another horn, and feeling a hot gust of exhaust on her legs as a red Porsche barely missed running over her toes. Another middle finger waved back in her direction. She fought back the renewed threat of tears as she waited for a break in the traffic. A man begging for change in front of a nearby convenience store shook his head in dismay as she scurried across the street, then turned away as she approached, as if repelled by her carelessness. “Fine, then,” she muttered, returning a fistful of coins to her pocket. “Don’t take my money.”
Cindy pulled open the outside door to The Yoga Studio and approached the ancient elevators, pressing, then repressing the call button at least four times before she heard the old wires groan somewhere above her head, signalling the elevator’s excruciatingly slow and shaky descent. She pushed her way through the elevator’s heavy metal doors before they were fully open, then realized she didn’t know what floor the studio was on. “What’s the matter with you? How could you be so stupid?” she asked out loud, exiting the elevator just as a sloppily dressed young woman chewing an enormous wad of gum shuffled in. “Excuse me, do you know what floor The Yoga Studio is on?” she asked the girl, who stared at her blankly and continued chewing her gum. “Could you hold the elevator a minute, please?”
Cindy raced to the directory on the wall to the left of the building’s entrance. She quickly scanned the list, noted the correct floor, and ran back just as the elevator doors were drawing to a close. “Could you hold the door . . .?” she began, but the girl chewed her gum and stared right through her, as if Cindy didn’t exist.
“I don’t believe this! Would it have killed you to wait two goddamn seconds?” Cindy’s voice followed the elevator’s ascent as her fist slammed repeatedly against the call button. “Oh God, I’m losing it.” She looked around for the stairs, taking them two at a time. So many angry people in this world, she was thinking again. So many
crazy people. “And I’m definitely one of them,” she acknowledged, reaching the fourth-floor landing, her thighs quivering, her knees about to give way, the tips of her fingers brushing against the concrete floor as she collapsed from the waist, gasping for breath.
What was the matter with her? Where was she going in such a hurry? And what was she going to do when she got there?
Cindy pushed damp hair away from her face, straightened her shoulders, and waited until her breathing had returned to normal before stepping into the hall, and winding her way past the offices of several small companies, until she found the door to The Yoga Studio. She pressed her forehead against it, listening to the silence.
Suddenly the door opened and Cindy fell into the room.
“I’m so sorry. Are you all right?” A middle-aged woman in an unflattering black leotard reached out to block Cindy’s fall. “I had no idea anyone was there.” Wild gray hair shot out at right angles from the woman’s worried face, as if she’d been struck by lightning.
I did that to her, Cindy thought. “Forgive me,” she said. “It was my fault.”
“Can I help you?” a voice asked from somewhere behind the shock of gray hair.
Cindy’s eyes swept from one end of the long, rectangular room to the other. An old brown sofa and a couple of shabby beige chairs were hunched around a low coffee table in one corner, a high glass cabinet containing yoga related books and merchandise stood in another, and a cluttered reception desk sat in the middle. Several styles of white, gray, and black T-shirts imprinted with The Yoga Studio logo were pinned to one wall, like artwork, and the scent of oranges, courtesy of several plates of freshly cut orange quarters, filled the air, like cologne. Two women were sipping bottled water and eating oranges on the sofa; another woman was straightening a bunch of yoga mats that were stacked beside the doors to the inner rooms.
“Can I help you?” the receptionist asked again. She was a pale young woman approximately Julia’s age, with fine reddish-blond hair and a smattering of oversized freckles that was smeared across her nose like peanut butter.
“I’m looking for Lindsey.”
“Lindsey . . .?”
“Lindsey,” Cindy repeated, as if the simple repetition of the name was enough. “I was supposed to meet her here at ten o’clock. She may already be in class. I’m very late,” Cindy added unnecessarily.
The receptionist nodded. “We have several classes going on at the moment. Do you know who her class was with?”
“No. But how many Lindseys can there be?”
“Actually, we have several Lindseys, and I believe two of them are here this morning.” The girl checked the register. “Yes. Lindsey Josephson and Lindsey Krauss.”
Lindsey Josephson and Lindsey Krauss, Cindy repeated silently. Neither name was the least bit familiar. “She was waiting for my daughter, Julia. Julia Carver.”
A smile danced across the receptionist’s face. “Julia’s your daughter?”
Cindy nodded, feeling a surge of motherly pride so strong it brought tears back to her eyes.
“She’s so gorgeous.”
“Yes, she is.”
“Julia’s going to be famous. Then I’ll get to say ‘I knew her when.’ ”
Again Cindy nodded. Please, God, she was thinking, just let Julia be all right.
“It’s Lindsey Krauss.”
“What?”
“Her friend. It’s Lindsey Krauss. She’s in Peter’s class.” She pointed toward one of the closed doors beyond the cabinet at the far end of the room.
“Can I go in?”
“Well, it’s eighteen dollars and the class is almost over. Why don’t you just wait until it finishes.” She indicated the sofa and chairs with her chin.
Cindy dropped a twenty-dollar bill onto the desk, and headed toward the studio.
“Wait. Your change . . .” the receptionist called after her. Then, when Cindy failed to respond, “You’ll need a mat.”
Cindy grabbed a bright blue mat from the shelf as she opened the door and peeked inside the room. Ten people, eight women and two men, all with their eyes closed, stood beside their mats, balancing on the hardwood floor on one foot, like human flamingos. Their other legs were crossed over the knees of their standing legs, their hands brought together in front of them, as if in prayer, their elbows extended at their sides. Several of the women wobbled precariously on the balls of their feet, fighting to stay upright, and the face of one man was pinched in such concentration he looked in danger of imploding. There were no movie stars that Cindy could identify, but she did recognize Lindsey Krauss, a tall, willowy brunette whose surgically enhanced bosom overwhelmed her otherwise boyish frame. Cindy made her way over slowly to where Lindsey was standing in the center of the room, setting her mat down behind her and wondering how best to approach her. She isn’t wobbling at all, Cindy thought, marveling at the young woman’s effortless mastery of the exercise. She’s perfect, Cindy thought.
Like Julia.
The teacher, a supple young man with light brown hair and clear blue eyes, nodded almost imperceptibly at Cindy as she tried to assume the proper position. What the hell am I doing? she wondered, struggling to balance on one foot. Why hadn’t she just relaxed in the comfortable waiting area, sipping bottled water and eating fresh orange quarters until the class was over? What did she possibly hope to accomplish in here?
“Focus on your breath,” the instructor advised gently, his voice a whisper. “If your mind starts to wander, just bring it back to the breath. It will help you stay balanced.”
Not when you’re as seriously unbalanced as I am, Cindy thought, sliding her left foot up along her right thigh, her right foot cramping in protest.
“Now, slowly lower your leg,” Peter instructed, as Cindy’s foot hit the floor with a resounding thud. A slight grimace creased Peter’s unlined brow. “Very good. Now, let’s take a final Vinyasa before we move into relaxation.”
A final what? Cindy wondered, as the instructor lifted his hands into the air above his head. The class immediately followed suit, lifting their own arms into the air, then bending from the waist and rapidly extending one leg forward, the other one back.
Lindsey’s right leg shot back, kicked at Cindy’s shin. She swivelled around guiltily. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Lindsey,” Cindy said, seizing the opportunity.
Lindsey glanced over her shoulder as she brought her other leg back to meet the first. “Mrs. Carver?”
“And now slide gently into the Cobra,” Peter directed.
“I need to talk to you.”
Lindsey, along with the rest of the class, slid forward on her belly, then raised herself up on her arms, before pushing herself into something the instructor referred to as the Downward Dog. She stared at Cindy upside down from between legs spread shoulder-distance apart. “I don’t understand. What are you doing here? Where’s Julia?”
“That’s what I need to talk to you about.”
“Allow your shoulders to relax,” the instructor intoned, a slight edge creeping into his voice.
“I don’t understand,” Lindsey said again, pushing herself into an upright position.
“Ladies, please. Can we save the conversation until after class?”
“Sorry,” Lindsey said.
“Can we talk later?” Cindy whispered. “It won’t take long.”
“All right.”
“Thank you.”
“Ladies, please.”
“Sorry,” Cindy said.
“Very good. Now slowly, lie down on your back and concentrate all your energy on your breathing.”
Cindy lay down, feeling the muscles in her back melt into the rubber of the mat. She took a deep breath, the air filling her nostrils and traveling to her lungs, her abdomen gradually expanding. Like when I was pregnant with Julia, she thought, remembering the pride she’d felt as her stomach filled with life.
“Very good,” Peter was saying. “Now release that br
eath, ridding all toxins and stress from your pores. Blow the worries off the world gently from your lips. Feel them leave your body.”
Cindy had loved being pregnant despite the morning sickness and overwhelming fatigue of the first few months. She’d loved that her breasts were so voluptuous, her skin so glowing. She’d even loved the ugly, loose-fitting clothes. And she’d loved that Tom was so solicitous, so caring, so eager to be a father. Looking back, their marriage was probably its happiest during her first pregnancy.
“Now take another deep breath and open your heart, feel it fill with positive energy.”
Her second pregnancy had been a completely different story. This time the morning sickness lasted all day and water retention caused her to swell from head to toe. The constant nausea meant Cindy was unable to devote much time or energy to Julia, who’d grown used to both, and it was during those nine months that Julia’s allegiance had subtly shifted from her mother to her father. It was also during this time that Cindy first discovered Tom was cheating on her.
“If your mind starts to wander,” Peter was saying somewhere above her head, “bring it back to the breath.”
Cindy had blamed herself for Tom’s affair. The fact that she was always sick, always tired. Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. As special as she’d felt during her pregnancy with Julia was how superfluous she felt during her pregnancy with Heather, almost like an afterthought in her own home. Tom had taken over Cindy’s role with relish, playing Barbie with Julia for hours on end, reading her story after story, taking her to the park on weekend afternoons. After he’d tucked Julia into bed at night, he’d lock himself in the den, or go back to the office to catch up on his work. Or he’d go for a drive. To relax, he said.
“Relax,” the voice continued now, floating across the room. “Relax. Let go.”
The pattern had continued after Heather’s birth. The fact that Heather had proved as easy an infant as Julia had been difficult strangely only made things worse. Julia blamed Cindy for bringing this unwanted intruder into their lives, turned increasingly to her father, shut her mother out almost completely. “She’s never forgiven me for Heather,” Cindy told her mother, who said that Cindy had once felt the same way about Leigh.