by Scott, Kylie
She scoffs, sitting back and crossing her arms.
“I don’t know what else to tell you.”
“You’re not going to get out of his life,” she says, her words jagged and sharp.
“Let me check I’m following you on this.” My voice matches her harsh tone perfectly. “Previously, you hated me because I broke up with Ed, believing that he’d cheated on me. Now you’re pissed off with me for staying with him and believing that he didn’t. You’ll excuse me for not upending my world on the basis of your current mood. It’s not your choice to make.”
She shakes her head. “Give me strength. Anytime now he’ll be back to chasing after your ass. He can’t help himself when it comes to you. You’re like an itch under his skin.”
I’ve never been compared to a rash before, yet it doesn’t sound like a wholly bad thing. “Really?”
“Stop smiling. This is not good.”
“Sorry.”
“God, look at you, acting all cute and dumb. Do you really believe this works on me?” she asks, head cocked. “Or is this honestly who you think you are now?”
I finish off my wine. “I’m still figuring out who I am. But whatever I decide, you hate me and think I’m full of shit. Message received loud and clear. In the future, though, if you want to rant at me, can you stay the hell away from my job? Text me, I’ll meet you somewhere. I don’t mind.”
“You don’t mind?” she repeats, disbelieving.
“Whatever. It’s not like I have much of a social life.” I shrug, turning to scope out the bar. “Why are they taking so long with our drinks?”
Tessa sips the last of her wine, assessing me over the rim of her glass. “Interesting.”
“How so?”
“I’d have expected you to be storming off all butt hurt by now. There’s a reason why he always treated you like a precious doll.”
“Why should I storm off?” I ask. “No offense, but I don’t know you. Your opinion doesn’t really mean a hell of a lot to me. Ed says you and I used to be close, though those days are clearly over.”
“Damn right they are. Any trust I had in you is long gone and you destroyed it.”
“That time at Ed’s place, you said I tried to drag you into the break-up. I am sorry that happened.”
“Save it.”
“All right,” I say. “You really think Ed still wants me?”
“Men just follow wherever their dicks lead them and his is like a compass needle when it comes to you.”
Hope flares up inside me despite my best efforts. I think I’d like to be his true north. But no, that’s a bad idea. Our history is beyond complicated. On the other hand, however, I’d dearly love the chance to crawl all over him naked. I mean, we must have done it hundreds of times. Maybe more. Afternoon sex. Drunk sex. Sunday morning sex. Angry sex. Lazy sex. Shower sex. Post argument make-up sex. And who knows what else? It seemed beyond unfair that I could have such a history and not enjoy the memories of it.
“What did you do to your hair?” asks Tessa, before nodding to the waiter who is placing full glasses in front of us.
“I cut it myself. I like it shorter.” We each pick up our new drinks. I hold mine out. “So here’s to not being friends.”
“I can drink to that.”
It’s strange, but Tessa’s animosity is actually kind of comforting. At least I know what she’s thinking. She straight up tells me. Other people can be so hard to read. Tessa asks me about what it was like waking up at the hospital with no idea who I was. How I wound up working at the bookstore. What it’s like to have no memories, no real history. I ask her about how we met (through Ed) and about her life in general. After some initial hesitation, she actually starts to open up. The wary gaze never goes away, but she talks to me about her life and her past. Maybe it’s the wine. Or maybe it’s just a leftover from our once upon a time friendship. I don’t know. She tells me how she and Nevin also met through Ed. Nevin was a client of his, though she soon stole him and kept him. Nevin is a teacher who used to be in the army. Guess his experiences there scarred him some since he suffers from insomnia and often goes jogging at night to wear himself out. Explains why he’s so buff, I guess. They’ve been talking about maybe having a child sometime soon and Nevin has volunteered to stay up with the baby when necessary. At least his insomnia will be serving a purpose. Also, they’ve been together for four years.
In the end, we sit there through one bottle of wine and then I order another because why not? I’ve never actually been drunk before and we’re just two not-friends spending quality time together.
As foretold, Ed does indeed eventually appear. Though I prefer to believe it comes from concern more so than just chasing after my ass, as Tessa described. His displeased face is back in play. “Ladies.”
“See,” says Leif, stealing a couple of chairs from a neighboring table. “You completely overreacted. No one’s even bleeding or wounded yet.”
“You didn’t say you were going to visit Clem.” Ed gazes at Tessa. Oh dear, he’s seriously not happy. Even I get served some of his cranky glare. “Iris had to tell me where I could find you two.”
“Am I supposed to need your permission?” snaps Tessa.
“Wait,” I say. “Am I supposed to need your permission?”
At this, Tessa laughs.
“Ed?” I cock my head.
“Of course not,” he says. “I was just worried about you.”
Tessa throws some money on the table. Then she slings her designer handbag over her shoulder before rising to her feet. “What did I tell you? Just like a compass.”
“Not going to stay for a catch-up?” asks Leif, signally the waiter for more glasses.
“Another time. Nevin and I have dinner plans.” She smacks a kiss on his cheek before heading for the door. Ed, she ignores completely. Guess she’s still annoyed about him not telling her I was staying at his condo. Or something.
The bar is busier now as people get off work and go for a drink. Music plays and people talk. It’s a nice place. I’ll have to remember to tell Iris. The alcohol is a happy warm buzz inside of me. I feel good. I look at Ed while swirling the wine in my glass all contemplative like. Another woman in the bar was doing it earlier and I thought it looked cool. “Her concern for you is intense. Like, seriously extreme.”
Leif’s forehead furrows in confusion. “Doesn’t Clem know you two used to date?”
“She does now,” grits out Ed, taking my glass from me and downing the wine.
Huh. “You and Tessa?”
“Yes.”
I don’t like the thought of them together. Of course, I don’t like the thought of Ed being with anyone. I even get a little jealous over previous me. But Ed and all of the beauty that is Tessa. Ouch. They’d look so good together. Though she’s with Nevin now so it’s all in the past. But how distant is that past?
And just like that, the pieces start to click into place. Only they’re pointed and sharp, each cutting into each other’s space all too perfectly.
“Who did I think you were cheating with?” I ask.
Ed turns away.
The waiter deposits two fresh glasses on the table with a smile.
“Fuck.” Leif helps himself to a glass of wine. “She doesn’t know anything? You didn’t tell her?”
“He doesn’t like to talk about it,” I say.
Ed’s hand on the table curls into a fist. “Can you blame me?”
“I thought you were cheating on me with Tessa, didn’t I?”
He just looks at me. Then he looks right through me.
But it all makes sense. “That’s why you reacted the way you did when I joked that time about using an ex for sex. And when Leif said last night that you were being rich about telling him not to fuck where he worked.”
“Yes,” snarls Ed.
Leif rubs his hands over his face. “You should have told her. Shit.”
“Why does Tessa hate me?” I asked, although I probably knew the answer
.
Ed’s nostril’s flare. “Because you didn’t stop at just breaking my heart. You called Nevin and told him she was cheating on him with me. Nevin absolutely lost it and the two of them had this massive fight. She loves him and she was your best friend and you did your utmost to try and break them up too.”
“Right. Of course, if I thought you were—”
“I wasn’t,” says Ed, his voice low and harsh. “But you wouldn’t listen. You were absolutely convinced you were right and nothing I said mattered. I was about to ask you to marry me and you thought I would do that to you, disrespect you and hurt you that way. I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone and yet you believed I’d fucking betrayed you.”
“Like I said. Death star explosion.” Leif’s voice is offhand, but its light tone sounds forced. Like he’s trying to keep a lid on the whole thing. He half-fills one of the glasses, pushing it across the table to me. “Drink, Clem. You’ve gone all pale. Go on.”
I do as instructed, though I’m not sure alcohol is the answer. However, something has to help the strange empty feeling. You’d think an answer, actual knowledge, would fill the vacant spaces inside. But it doesn’t. This time the definite hurts more than it helps. “Why did I think that? Where did I even get that idea?”
Ed’s eyes are a little frightening. The anger. “I don’t know. You wouldn’t say. You were crying, but you were cold. Like I was dead to you. I tried to get you to talk to me, but you just . . .”
I nod.
Without another word he’s on his feet and racing toward the door. Leif grabs my arm as if to halt me. Just in case I’d had a mind to follow. And say what exactly? Then he pats the back of my hand, giving me a sad smile.
“Let him go,” says Leif.
“I didn’t mean to upset him like that.”
“I know. Anyway, he should have told you by now. That was stupid of him. Sooner or later, it was going to come out, and it’s not like it isn’t your history too.”
“Yeah.”
“For the record, there’s no way he did it,” says Leif, looking me dead in the eye. “I mean, he’s always the one lecturing me: ‘Don’t screw married women,’ ‘Don’t screw clients or work colleagues,’ ‘Are you sure they’re both over twenty-one?’ No way he’d risk getting knocked off his high horse.”
He’s trying to make me laugh, and I muster up the best smile I can.
“He would never have done it, Clem. You might not have known him for that long with your head and all. But my brother is one of the best people around and he was crazy about you.”
“I know; I do. I just wished I understood why I . . . anyway. Sounds like I hurt a lot of people.” I put another twenty on the table beside Tessa’s. That should cover the wine. “You should go after him, Leif. He’s upset. He shouldn’t be on his own.”
“I’ll find him once you’re safe and sound at home. Don’t worry.”
“Are you sure?”
He slips an arm around my shoulders. It feels brotherly. Affectionate. “Oh my darling, Clementine. He’ll be fine. And there’s nowhere in this town that idiot can hide that I can’t find him.”
“Maybe I should call Frances and go back to her place?”
“No, don’t do that. Once he’s calmed down he’ll probably want to talk to you, check you’re okay and everything.”
“Probably? Great.” I sigh. “Though talking about this isn’t really his thing.”
Slowly, we climb the stairs back up to the street level. “You have to remember, for him this all happened a pretty short time ago. He loved you a lot.”
“I know. I found the ring.”
Leif groans. “Yeah. Shit.”
“What a mess.” Then a thought occurs to me. “Did he ever want to marry Tessa?”
“Come here.” Leif turns me to face him, then carefully wipes away my tears. Obviously it was just raining on my face or something. You can’t be upset about something you don’t even remember happening. He tuts. “Stop crying. Goodness gracious. Your face has gone all blotchy and pink. Is that really how you want to look?”
“No.”
“He and Tessa were together for years, but they were a lot younger. Late teens, early twenties. Just kids, really. It wasn’t serious in the same way it was between you two, you know?”
“I think it’s safe to say I do not know shit.”
Leif smiles. “No? Well, know that shit will sort itself out. It always does in the end.”
“If you say so.”
We head back to the condo. I don’t tell him that’s exactly what I’m afraid of . . . the end. But I’ve a feeling it’s just gotten a lot closer.
Chapter Nine
I’m not exactly certain what wakes me, but it’s late. One in the morning, at least. Gordy’s been asleep for ages and I must have finally drifted off a while back too, despite the emotional turmoil. Ed is sitting in front of me on the coffee table, his head in his hands. The lighting is low and his hair is a mess, as if he’s been shoving his fingers through it all agitated like for hours.
“Hey,” I say. “Are you all right?”
With a sigh, he raises his gaze to me. “Clem, why are you sleeping on the couch?”
“Thought you might want your space.” I sit up, pushing back the blanket. “Where did you go?”
“Just walked around for a while.” He pauses. “Is that my shirt?”
“Yes.”
His brows rise. “You’re wearing my shirt?”
I’m too tired to be embarrassed. “It smells good. It’s comforting.”
“Okay.” He exhales and holds out a hand. “Come to bed.”
“Are you sure? You don’t have to do this just to be kind, you know?”
He twitches his fingers impatiently and I take them, letting him lead me into the hallway. The door to the spare room is shut so Leif must have already crashed. A bedside lamp is on in Ed’s room. A good thing. Not sure I could handle the brighter glare of the overhead light right now. He closes the door, slips off his sneakers and socks before taking off his shirt. Undoes his jeans and slides them down his legs. Holy shit, the hard planes of his chest and the sight of his black boxer briefs. All of a sudden, I’m wide awake. His strong thighs, his knees, even the light hairs on his legs are sexy. I turn my back on the ridiculously unintendedly hot striptease before I spontaneously orgasm or something. So I now know Ed dresses to the left. There you go.
I climb onto my side of the bed and get comfortable. Maybe tomorrow I should just hide out in a closet. Take a mental health day and disappear from the world for a while. It might be best. Having all of the details about our breakup come out has been emotionally exhausting. Perhaps I should ask Ed if he wants to hide out with me. It’s been hellish for him too.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, lying down on his side of the bed.
“Hiding out in a closet for a while. Taking a mini-break from life tomorrow.”
“Sounds good.”
“Well, you’d be very welcome. We’d just have to find a closet big enough for both of us.”
“Hmm.”
I roll over to face him. “I’m not going to say I’m sorry again because I’ve said that so many times and past a certain point it doesn’t really work, does it?”
“Still think I didn’t cheat on you?”
“I know you didn’t. It’s just not you.” So many feelings. It’s a lot to deal with. I turn onto my back, staring at the ceiling and around the walls. “Wonder if we’ll ever know what the hell was going on in my head back then?”
He makes a noise in his throat.
“Hey, is that Tessa?” I ask, pointing at the charcoal drawing of a woman’s lower back. The curve of hips and rounds of her ass cheeks. Probably not the wisest question, but whatever.
“Of course not. It’s you.”
“Oh.”
“Like I’d hang up a naked picture of another woman in our bedroom,” he says, shaking his head. “Haven’t been able to bring myself to t
ake it down yet. First week after you left, I just drank. I was a fucking mess. Couldn’t believe it, you know? You’d always been a little insecure, but I thought we had it under control. I thought you knew how I felt . . .”
“Then you started dating other women a week or two later,” I add helpfully.
He cuts me a look. Not angry. Surprised maybe.
“All right. So maybe I’m a little upset about your swift timeline for that particular decision. And I’m not even going to bring up the whole issue regarding taking someone to my favorite restaurant, because . . . well, just because.”
“Clem, you left me,” he says. “Whatever version of yourself you’re currently operating as, you were the one that did the leaving. The dumping. So you don’t get to be upset about that.”
“Fine. Whatever.”
Weirdly enough, he smiles. Like he enjoys me being jealous or something. Though Lord only knows what the man actually thinks. “Then Tessa and Nevin kicked my ass and reminded me that I had a business to run, regardless of where you were at. So I pulled my shit together and . . . yeah. The dating was like the drinking. Me trying to distract myself from being fucking miserable twenty-four seven.”
“Frances said I was a mess too.”
He nods.
I go back to staring at the ceiling. It’s safer than ogling him. “Today was a big day. A lot happened and there is much to digest.”
Silence.
“What are you thinking about now?” he asks, face open and unguarded for about the first time in forever. The man’s even more beautiful this way. “Clem?”
“Lots of things. Beauty. Heartbreak. Loss. And sex, of course. I mean, we’re lying in bed together so it’s a bit hard not to be thinking about that on some level. It’s that whole physical awareness thing, you know?”
He’s quiet for a moment, then he says, “We fucked a lot in this room. We fucked in pretty much every room.”
Wow. “Really?”
“Didn’t think I could out-truth you, did you?” The corner of his lip curls upwards. “Well, I can.”
“What? It’s a competition now?”
“Leif was right; I should have just told you everything. Only talking about that stuff—it’s not easy. It’s like making it real all over again. But I think we’re both due a whole heaping lot of honesty, wouldn’t you agree?”