Oh, God. Will. I’d have to ask about him after all this. I was pretty sure he was supposed to come home from the hospital the other day.
“Ray Ruiz is my ex,” I said, glancing in the kitchen, at the stained knife on the counter. Travis had seen it, but Declan hadn’t. The moment Declan saw it, I could’ve sworn I heard him gulp. These rich boys were used to their games and their machinations, but they weren’t used to the chaos of the Midtown Strangler. “We’ve been on and off for the last few years.”
Declan’s brows came together. “But he’s, like, thirty-five, isn’t he?”
“Yes,” I said. “We met when I was fifteen, and he was thirty-two. Our relationship was always on the illegal side of the law.” I really didn’t like talking about it, explaining him and my past, but it was necessary. “When I turned eighteen, I went with him for a weekend getaway. Told my mom I was at Kelsey’s. He took me to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, and he…”
For a moment, as I stared down at my hands, they were covered in red all over again. A flashback, a picture-perfect memory I wished wasn’t so perfect after all this time. Ray was the reason I woke up in the middle of the night, having panic attacks. Ray was my weakness, but now wasn’t the time to lose myself in my weakness. I had to be strong. For myself, for these guys, for the future I wanted.
Ray would not get me again.
“He had a girl ready, chained up in the basement,” I continued, glancing at Travis. “He handed me that knife. Ray marked an X on her abdomen, right where he wanted me to stab her. It was…the same spot Will was stabbed.” My voice trembled a little at that, and I couldn’t help but notice Declan’s lips turn into a frown. “I…I froze, so he wrapped his hand around mine and guided it in.”
The serrated steel piercing flesh, the girl’s whimperings. It was all so vivid in my memory, I wanted to be sick. I wanted to throw up the nothing I’d eaten today. Breakfast, at least, had long been digested. The funny thing was, I wasn’t even hungry. The last thing on my mind right now was food.
“She was still alive when I left, but I know she died. The police found sixteen bodies in the ground.” I let out a shaky breath. “There were only fifteen when I left.”
“How did you get away? He just let you go?” Declan asked. His hands were curled into fists, and I couldn’t tell if he was upset at me basically saying Ray was Will’s attacker, or if it was the general whole of my macabre tale.
I shook my head. “After I stabbed the girl, I stabbed him, and then I ran. I ran through the woods until I found a gas station. I called Kelsey.”
Travis spoke, “Kelsey knows about all of this?”
“No. She didn’t know we were dating. I think she suspected, because she saw me covered in blood, but she never pushed. I…I kept Ray a secret from everybody. No one knew I was seeing him. Not Kelsey, not my mom, not anyone. He could’ve killed me and no one would have known.” And then I said something stupid, “Maybe he should’ve. You guys, at least, would’ve been safe. Will would’ve been safe.”
“Fuck that,” Travis practically growled out, leaning towards me. Aggression seeped from him, but I wasn’t scared. Travis didn’t frighten me. “Let him come again. Let him come for me, and I’ll show him that he’s not the big bad around here.”
I wasn’t quite sure how to take that, because I honestly didn’t know whether all of us put together could take down someone like Ray. The police had tried and failed. The American judicial system was a joke. There would be no outside help here. We would have to figure something else out.
Declan broke his silence, “So Ray’s the one who stabbed Will?” Just that fact alone would push Declan to Travis’s side. The two brothers cared a lot about each other, and if someone harmed one of them, the other wanted retribution.
Nodding once, I said, “Yes, with that knife, too. He’s been following me this whole time. He stabbed Will because Will came onto the scene late and he…Ray said he was moving too fast on me. Ray didn’t like it.”
“The letters,” Travis muttered. “Ray’s the one who sent those letters.”
That was the first I’d heard about it. “Letters?”
“Sawyer got one, a long while back. Pushed in through the mail slot in an unmarked envelope.” As Travis explained it, I vaguely remembered pulling a similar envelope off our dorm door. At the time, I’d thought it was just another rude note from one of the other students on the floor—they liked to tape tiny nooses and headless barbies to the door, so I thought nothing of it. I hadn’t even opened the envelope to read it. “It basically said to stay away from you.”
All this time, Ray was here, and I was too oblivious to realize it. Stupid, stupid.
Travis frowned. “I was too busy trying to sabotage Sawyer’s attempts at swaying you to his side. I should’ve done something, should’ve looked into it.”
Declan muttered, “You and Sawyer.” Travis shot him a glare. To me, he asked, “How did you get away from him this time? Did you…did you stab him again?” Even though Declan was tentative, he sounded hopeful. Hopeful that I’d killed Ray for good this time.
He’d be sorely disappointed shortly.
“No,” I said. “I threatened to kill myself with that knife. I found it in his car, along with two bodies. I told him that I’d kill myself if he tried to hurt any one of you again.”
Neither Declan nor Travis seemed to particularly like that. Travis grabbed one of my hands, practically squeezing all of the blood out of it as he growled, “You will not hurt yourself to get back at Ray, Ash, and if you try to, I will chain you up and keep the key in my pocket this time.” Spoken so boldly, so loudly…and so right in front of Declan.
Did I miss something?
Declan didn’t even look surprised. Not really. He merely looked sad when he stared at me, even after all Travis just said. “I hate to agree with him, but I do. I don’t want you to hurt yourself, Ash. I…I wouldn’t know what to do without you. I, uh, I don’t know about the chaining up part, though.”
Did I step into opposite day when I wasn’t looking? What the hell was this shit? Were Travis and Declan best buddies now? Did they talk about chaining me up in their free time?
“Well, seeing as how it worked and he let me walk away, I’m still going to consider that a win,” I spoke dryly, knowing better than to try to pull my hand from Travis. The way Declan’s dark eyes stared at me made me feel all kinds of self-conscious. “It’s temporary, though. He will try to come after me again.”
“I’ll take care of it,” Travis said, to which I simply chuckled.
“He’s had years of experience,” I said, eyeing him up. I knew Travis was dangerous, knew it the first moment I laid eyes on his sexy, tattooed self, and yet here and now, I was reminded of how wild he was in that basement in Stanton. He barely looked like a man with the bloodlust on his features.
Maybe…maybe Travis was more dangerous than I thought.
“You shouldn’t be alone,” Declan spoke. “Ever. No more running off.” As he said it, Travis was busy nodding. “One of us should be with you at all times.”
“What about my classes?”
“Fuck your classes” Travis spoke the exact same time Declan said, “You can miss some classes, and if all else fails, I’ll tell my dad that you caught the flu or something and have been bedridden. I’ll say your immune system was weak from the accident and that’ll be that.”
It was as good a plan as any, I guess, although I wasn’t too happy that I would have a shadow for the foreseeable future. As if these guys could take on Ray. Travis, maybe, but Declan?
Fuck. Then again, maybe I wasn’t that good at reading people. Maybe Declan was capable of just as much pain as Ray himself was. It was hard to tell at this point.
“Fine,” I reluctantly agreed, knowing I didn’t really have a choice here. These two would force it on me, or, I knew, Travis would break out the chains again. The bastard. “Now can one of you please tell me what’s going on with Sawyer?”
; In a word, withdrawal. Travis and Declan were getting Sawyer sober and clean, though I still wasn’t sure why the hell they were trying. The dude was a mess, and I was of the mind to let him fuck up. Let him do whatever it was he wanted. It wasn’t like I cared about him in the scheme of things. Nope.
Okay, those were lies. Big, fat, ugly lies, but still.
Then again, if I was having help facing my problems, maybe—just maybe—Sawyer should have help, too.
Chapter Eleven – Ash
I wasn’t going to be able to sleep, probably ever again. My life was too crazy to waste any time sleeping. Sure, exhaustion would eventually take me, but right now, as I lay in one of the guest rooms in Sawyer’s house, I couldn’t help but be wide awake.
I’d told Travis and Declan my truth, but not all of it. I didn’t tell them everything that happened while I was away with Ray, which really wasn’t fair to them. I had to tell them what happened between us, how I’d lost myself in my weakness, how I gave myself to the man I swore I never wanted to see again.
Never again, I told myself. I would never again let myself stoop so low.
I closed my eyes, utterly disgusted with myself. The room was dark, all the lights off. Travis and Declan were downstairs, doing God knew what—or at least that’s what I thought, until a scraggly face peered into the room.
Declan.
He inched inside, moving quietly until he sat on the side of the bed, less than a foot away from me. I didn’t get up, but I did meet his eyes. “Travis is making you some food. I know you’re probably not hungry after everything, but you need to try to eat.” He moved a hand to my back, rubbing over the white shirt I wore, his warmth flooding me. “You should also try to stay off your feet for a few days. I can run back to the dorm and pick you up anything you need. Clothes, your toothbrush—”
“Can you just…” I hated how weak I sounded, but in the darkness, with him, even with those doubts in my mind, I couldn’t help it. “Can you lay here with me? Just for a little bit.” I knew I didn’t have to justify myself to him, but I did it anyway. Just for a little bit, a tiny amount of time. Just five minutes, so I wasn’t in this room alone.
Declan didn’t hesitate. He said nothing as he leaned back, turning to face me as he laid beside me. His head rested on the pillow next to me, and I could feel his warm breath on my face.
All those times we’ve spent huddled together, embracing but not really giving in. At first I wondered if I simply reminded him of Sabrina, but now…now I knew things were different. I didn’t remind him of Sabrina. This was something else, something more. Travis and Declan were working to overcome their hatred for each other for me, and they were trying to put Sawyer on the right path…also for me.
These guys, I really didn’t deserve them.
I felt my eyelids close the moment Declan ran his fingertips along my cheek, brushing back my hair. My feet ached, but honestly, the pain was something I could ignore. Right now, what I couldn’t ignore, was the growing heat inside of me, the longing I felt…and the confusion nestled deep within me over Ray’s words.
Declan wore long sleeves, as he usually did after that night, so his scar was covered. I shouldn’t let Ray’s words get to me, but I didn’t know if he knew how important Declan was to me. Declan had been my rock this entire time. Without him, I had nothing.
Well, apparently I had Travis, but you know what I meant.
“I was so worried about you,” Declan whispered. The fingers touching my cheek moved to my neck, and I felt him gingerly run them over the scab. “Please, Ash, don’t ever hurt yourself, even to get back at Ray. We’ll figure something out.” His voice lowered, and even though my eyelids were closed, I felt him scoot closer to me. His body pressed against mine, and my breath caught in the back of my throat. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. I need you.”
My eyes cracked open at that, and I struggled to tame the beast inside that wanted to tell him, without words, that I needed him, too.
“I need you,” Declan said again, his voice husky, making a shiver course down my spine. We were on our sides, pressed against each other, and since I wore only a single layer of clothes, no bra, no panties, I could feel every lean inch of him against me. “I need you even if…”
When he said no more, I whispered, “Even if what?”
“Even if I have to share you.”
The heat growing inside of me practically exploded when he said that, and I found myself pressing against him harder, inhaling sharply when he moved the hand away from my neck and down to my lower back, holding me firmly.
Running a hand along his stubbly face, I wanted desperately to ask him for his truth, but I knew it was hypocritical of me to demand it from him when I still had a secret I needed to tell. Tonight, tonight I just couldn’t. Tomorrow, maybe. Right now the only thing I wanted to do was forget. Forget my worries, forget this weekend and what I saw. Forget it all and drown myself in the boy I’d purposefully kept myself away from all this time.
“Are you and Travis best buddies now?” I asked, only speaking because it kept my lips off his. Once I kissed this one, once I crossed that line, just like with Travis earlier, there was no going back. We’d kissed before, and done some other things—he was very good with his tongue, I knew—but this was different. This wasn’t me spiraling and falling apart.
This was me giving in.
“Not exactly, but we kind of have to be on the same side to keep an eye on you,” Declan whispered, a dimpled smile growing on his face. I ran a thumb over a dimple, unable to stop myself. “You need a whole crew to watch you.”
I giggled at that, like I was some wild child, uncontrollable and unpredictable. Personally, I didn’t think I was, but lately…yeah, I could see where he was coming from. I’d done my best to push everyone away, and I ended up only drawing them closer, and together—go figure.
“I’ll settle down,” I told him, meaning it. I wasn’t sure if any of us would get a happy ending, not with Ray in the picture, but this…whatever it was, whatever my feelings for these guys were, it was worth fighting for.
And then, before I could say anything else, I leaned into him, pressing my lips on his. Soft, at first. Slowly. The hand on my back turned to stone, holding me as tightly as he could as his lips parted for me. I slipped a tongue into his mouth, and his chest let out a moan. Declan moved so that I lay on my back and he was on top of me, grinding his hips down against me, our tongues dancing together in a slow, delicious display of need.
The moment I felt his hardness grinding against me, I broke our kiss to let out a moan. I should stop this, stop us. I should tell him that I was with Ray, not to mention Travis, but the logical part of my brain had shut off. It was not my brain that dictated what happened right now; it was my body.
And my body was one hungry, feral beast.
“Don’t change for me,” Declan murmured against my neck, the opposite side of the nick. He pressed his lips against my collarbone, and I could’ve melted right then and there. “I want you, Ash, wild and all.”
Ridiculously sweet words, but that’s what Declan didn’t understand.
Whether you wanted it to or not, love changed you. Love made you do things you wouldn’t normally do. It made sane men into fools, and fools into gentlemen. Love made criminals out of law-abiding citizens and saints out of felons. Love changed everyone, some for the better, others for the worse.
It would change me, surely.
When love was in the picture, nothing was impossible. Sounded like some kind of sappy Disney shit, which totally didn’t belong in my life, but here I was, thinking it anyway. For Declan, for Travis, for Will, for that messed-up prick in the bedroom across the hall, I could change. I could be better. I could do better.
I weaved my fingers through his hair, bringing his mouth back to mine, kissing him harder, fiercer, trying to tell him that he didn’t have to beg me not to change. He didn’t have to worry about me. I would change for him, I would be better for him,
and even if what Ray said was right, even if Declan had hurt himself, I wouldn’t run. I would be there for him, through it all.
It’s what lovers did.
His hips ground down on me, digging his hard-on against the athletic shorts I wore. I remembered what we did in the dorm room, how I rubbed my slick folds against him until he came. I wanted to do that again, only more. So much more my core ached with a burning need to feel him not outside, but inside. In me.
Did it make me a slut? A skank? Did it make me no better than Sawyer? I didn’t know, and frankly, at this point, I didn’t really care. I was done trying to be normal. This, whatever my life was, was a beautiful, twisted mess, and even if we went down in flames, I was going to enjoy the ride.
Or, you know, I planned on it, but before any clothes could come off, Travis appeared in the hall, pushing open the door fully. “Your very late dinner is ready,” he muttered, his eyes taking in our positions.
Declan withdrew his lips from mine, turning his head to look at Travis. If Declan was capable of a death glare, he gave it to him in that moment. Interrupting our intimacy, I couldn’t blame Declan for being annoyed at him. It was the most inopportune time for Travis to make his appearance.
“You know, unless you want to finish what you’re doing first, in which case I guess you could always heat it up,” Travis went on, his mouth pursing. He held onto the door frame, and I saw his nails picking at the wood. He didn’t exactly like seeing Declan and I together, but then again, Travis was very domineering when it came to me. If he could have his way, I knew he’d have me all to himself. This…whatever the hell it was, wasn’t his first choice.
It wasn’t any of their first choices, really. No one but mine.
No, this thing wouldn’t be like the relationship that girl, Elle, had with her three boyfriends. If this was going to last, they would merely tolerate each other for me.
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