by Alison Grey
“I’m fine.” And I was.
I really just wanted them to go, even though I felt bad about it.
* * *
Hollis and Amanda had gone to lunch or something because they weren’t there when I arrived. The first thing I did was hook up my desktop to Martha Jefferson’s Ethernet so I could jump online and see where Sheridan and Olivia were.
Sheridan had an away message (Fiona Apple song lyrics of course) that said she’d been idle for over six hours.
“She must have forgotten to sign out of her computer at home,” I said to myself.
Olivia was showing active which seemed kind of strange, I would have thought she’d left LA by now.
“Hey,” I typed to her. “Where are you?”
Instead of an answer, her screenname immediately turned gray and the sound of the “door” shutting that AIM made when someone signed off, filled up the room, reminding me to lower the volume on my speakers.
Weird. Maybe she’d left her instant messenger on so her sister had just signed out for her.
I didn’t think anything of it.
Not until later, anyway.
Twenty-One
AMANDA
By that night everyone was finally back.
Olivia was the last to show up. It had been close to midnight and by then we were all buzzed off the cheap Natural Ice beer Hollis had somehow snagged at the local townie convenience store with her fake ID.
“Liv!” Hollis squealed as Olivia walked into the room. “Finally!”
Part of me was jealous at the greeting. Hollis had never seemed that excited to see me or anyone else. I waved it away. I was just being drunk and stupid. I loved Olivia too, we were all just as close.
“Hey, y’all,” Olivia sighed and dropped her suitcase on the floor. “It’s been the longest day.”
“I can’t even imagine,” Sheridan replied as she walked over with a newly opened can of beer. “Chug, bitch.”
Olivia laughed and immediately complied as we rooted her on. She drank it faster than I even expected her to and then crushed the aluminum triumphantly in her delicate hand.
“Badger Bitches for life!” she yelled, and we all cheered.
We were all together now. Nothing could stop us from here.
* * *
There’s something about junior year. You’re not the new kid anymore, you’re not terrified or anxious. You have your place and your circle. It’s truly the best year of all my years at Martha Jefferson.
The first couple of weeks were full of classes and new routines. Fortunately, none of us had any classes that started before 10 am, so most mornings were pretty chill and not panicky like they’d been the previous year when both Hollis and I had been in the same 8 am Logic class. It had been torture to be up so early.
Hollis had suggested we go to UVA a couple of weekends after being back.
“You want to see Alec, right?” she asked as we were eating lasagna in the dining hall that Thursday night. “IM him and see what he’s up to.”
The thought of it made me anxious. Yes, Alec and I clearly had something happening. It wasn’t anything official or something that could be labeled, which of course bugged me, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. The two weeks before camp had ended, we’d both realized our mutual attraction and it had played out in a very steamy way— the only way it can when you’re 20, horny, and it’s the end of summer.
Still, it didn’t mean he was mine. As much as I wanted him to be. And Hollis had ingrained in me the importance of making the guy define things. Even when it was hard.
Which it was.
Since school had started, we’d messaged each other every day, though the conversations tended to be short as we were both running off to go to class or hang with our friends.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about him, even when I was away from my desk. He was the first for me— first kiss, first touch, first love. I’d lost my virginity to him and as much as I hated to play into the stereotype of being the girl that was instantly hooked, I was definitely that girl.
The hardest thing is pretending to not care as much as you do.
“Okay.” I nodded. “I’ll message him tonight and see what’s going on.”
“Perfect! I hope he has friends,” Hollis grinned as she stole a piece of garlic bread off my plate. “I need some new dick in my life.”
“So romantic,” I laughed. “Are you sure you’re not a dude?”
* * *
Olivia seemed less than enthused about going to Charlottesville.
“I really don’t want to go back,” she said as we walked to class together the next day. “I still have like post-traumatic stress from that place.”
“I hadn’t even thought of that,” I said, instantly feeling terrible. “We can go somewhere else this weekend.”
Olivia had never gotten into the specifics of her brief time at UVA, but it sounded like there might have been an incident. Of course, my mind went immediately to sexual assault, but she claimed nothing like that had happened. She just didn’t like the place.
“No,” Olivia sighed. “I want to meet Alec. And I need to get over it. I’m not a student there anymore. It’s seriously not a big deal.”
I smiled. “I would owe you so big, Liv. And if it gets weird, I swear we can leave. Seriously.”
She nodded and we both started talking about the class we were both going to, a survey class on feminist theory.
It was one conversation we had, out of probably thousands, that I’d always remember.
You just never realize how the most mundane things can end up being important later.
Twenty-Two
SHERIDAN
I volunteered to abstain from drinking and drive that night so Hollis could have her fun.
The thing I always worried about with Hollis wasn’t the drinking. I mean, it could be a problem with her, but none of us were innocent in that department. And in the early aughts, college was consumed with drinking and partying. It was a time before schools were cracking down on that stuff. It was a free-for-all in many ways.
Hollis was into such hard stuff. Drugs. Sex. Once she got going it was like she was on a mission of destruction. Except she was the one that was being wrecked.
It could be really intense.
I’d never been around cocaine until I met Hollis. Her connections were these seedy, gross guys from Harrisonburg of all places, and we were always worried when she’d go out, sometimes by herself, to score her supply.
None of us partook, except Olivia. But she was a little more moderate about how much she did, and it wasn’t every weekend. Though later she would increase her usage to keep up with Hollis.
We all sensed, despite Hollis’s outward appearance of a girl who had it all, and who didn’t give a shit about what anyone thought of her, there was something dark and damaged inside. And substances were her way of coping.
Amanda had requested we all be sober until we met up with Alec.
“I don’t want to overdo it and make an asshole of myself,” she said. Amanda was also someone with so much confidence, it surprised me to see her so anxious about some guy.
It’s how I knew she really liked him.
Brooke had been hard to convince to go with us because she claimed she was always the wallflower at these college parties. So, we did our best to give her a hot girl makeover. Brooke had a great body after all. We put her in a pair of Amanda’s low rider jeans, one of Hollis’s backless shimmery tank tops that was held together by loose ties, and had her hair up in butterfly clips. Her make-up was shimmery and blue to match her shirt. And on her feet? Platform, foam, Steve Madden flip flops.
If that doesn’t sound 2001, I don’t know what does.
* * *
Rugby Road in Charlottesville is what Hollis calls Douchebag Central. It’s where all or most of the fraternity and sorority houses are and it’s where we were meeting Alec and his friends that night.
Alec wasn’t in a frat (tha
nkfully) but he had good friends in one, and it was an unofficial recruitment week so there were a ton of parties happening.
I wasn’t one that usually sought out this kind of adventure, but sometimes you have to take one for the team. Amanda had never asked us to do much of anything for her, so it was easy to say yes to UVA, even though I was usually ready to leave Rugby Road within minutes of setting foot on it.
By the time we got to Charlottesville it was getting dark. We walked across Beta Bridge and in the distance could see people kicking a soccer ball on a grassy knoll. People were walking around everywhere— girls in short dresses, tight jeans or black pants, and tiny tank tops, guys in polo shirts and cargo shorts with flip flops.
We walked single file to avoid walking in the street. The humidity was still awful and I couldn’t help but worry about my armpits making half-moons of sweat stains on my light blue cotton tank top.
“It’s that house.” Amanda pointed at one of the fraternity houses that looked like something straight out of the movie Animal House. “He said he’d be out front.”
With more room, we walked together, Hollis and Amanda in the middle. Olivia was next to Amanda, Brooke next to Hollis, and I was behind them all, the mother hen.
Alec was tall and lean. He didn’t look at all like someone I’d imagined Amanda with. Amanda was so beautiful and cool.
Alec looked like a preppy dork, to put it kindly. But the heart wants what it wants and as soon as they saw each other they hugged awkwardly.
“Hey, Amanda,” he said. His voice was deep and unsteady, as if he was still getting used to it. “I’m so glad you made it.”
He looked around at all of us.
“I’m Alec.” He held up his hand and we all smiled. His eyes roamed over us, taking us in.
“My buddies are on their way.” He looked back at Amanda and wrapped his arm around her. “Wanna go in?”
* * *
Within thirty minutes everyone was drinking some sort of purple drink in red cups as some unseen force played loud 80s old school rap from speakers above us. The house was packed, and people had to walk sideways if they needed to get from one end of the room to another.
Hollis had escaped to the bathroom with one of Alec’s friends to share her stash. Brooke was sipping from her cup and standing next to me, looking uncomfortable. She kept touching her hair. It was her nervous tick.
Olivia was staring at Amanda and Alec, who were leaning into each other and talking close, the only way they could if they wanted to hear each other. I’d never seen her look so happy.
“He’s not as cute as I thought he’d be,” Olivia observed, taking a drink from her cup. “Jesus, this is strong.”
“Hopefully it’s not full of roofies,” Brooke joked. I hadn’t even considered that, and I cursed myself for it. I’d definitely have to keep my eye on things.
Hollis returned, and I could tell she was high just from the way her eyes darted around the room.
“Any prospects?” she teased me.
“No and I wouldn’t even if there were,” I shouted over the music. “Not my type.”
“I don’t know, I see a lot of my types in here,” Brooke said. Her eyes were glassy. It never took much for her to get drunk. “But am I theirs?”
“Of course, you are!” Hollis said.
Brooke laughed and the two of them shimmied over to where people were dancing.
If you call thrusting your crotch on someone’s ass dancing, which in 2001 you did.
Olivia was watching Amanda and Alec again and I appreciated her for that. We had to look out for each other.
As for me? I was just waiting for the time to go by. Hopefully they’d all be drunk enough that in an hour or so we could either head somewhere else or go back to Staunton.
For now, I’d just observe and enjoy the people-watching.
Twenty-Three
AMANDA
Alec was both the same and different that night.
He seemed happy to see me, but there was a distance there and I wasn’t sure if it was because he was unsure about what I expected or if he just wasn’t into me as much as he’d been over the summer.
I hated that I was so concerned about it. About him. I’d always promised myself— and my mother— not to ever care this much about anyone, especially a man.
But once we were in the house and we’d both had a little to drink, he loosened up a bit. He seemed more like the Alec from the summer.
It was boiling hot inside the fraternity house that night, especially the more we drank. I pulled my hair up into a hair tie to get it off my neck. Hollis always told me I had a beautiful neck and skin. I wished so much that Alec would touch me on the nape of it, like he’d done just a couple of weeks ago.
Instead, he offered to get me another drink.
“Sure!” I said a little too eagerly. Or maybe I was just being paranoid.
I hated this sudden habit of mine. I needed to stop overthinking.
I turned to say hello to Sheridan and Olivia. I could see Sheridan, she was having a conversation with one of Alec’s friends, but I couldn’t see where Olivia had gone. I assumed she was with Hollis and Brooke somewhere.
I stood there for a long time as a couple of songs played. First a Madonna one, her newest. Then Destiny’s Child, which got all the girls around me excited to whoop about being independent women.
Maybe there’s a line, I thought.
I waited until a third song started before gently pushing my way in the direction of the kitchen, where the brothers of the house were pouring drinks.
When I stepped into the hallway, I spot Alec’s head immediately. He was talking to someone, but I couldn’t tell who. Whoever they were, they were significantly shorter than he was.
Some people cleared out and I was able to see who it was.
Olivia.
The two of them were talking like he and I had been talking just minutes ago. Their faces were close, and her hand was on his shoulder.
He had two drinks in his hand.
My heart started pounding. Certainly, I wasn’t seeing what I thought I was seeing.
Then, as if I was in a lucid nightmare, she leaned in and put her mouth on his. He’d been startled by it, but he didn’t resist.
He kissed her back.
He placed the cups on the shelf next to him and picked her up, making her giggle.
I was suddenly very sick.
I needed to leave. Now.
Twenty-Four
HOLLIS
The guy I’d done lines with in the bathroom disappeared with the rest of my stash, which pissed me off.
He’d been bragging about becoming an i-banker but was too cheap to buy his own drugs. Why was I not surprised?
Brooke had found her soulmate at least. She’d gotten drunk enough to let her inhibitions go and was sucking face with a short, but cute guy in the corner next to the make-shift DJ booth.
I scanned the crowd for familiar faces. I hated to break up Brooke’s good time, but I was ready to go.
And when I was ready, everyone followed suit. It was our system.
“Hollis!”
I could hear Sheridan calling my name over the shitty pop music blearing through the cheap speakers around us.
I put my hand in the air.
“Brooke, we gotta go,” I called to her. She looked over at me, confused, her eyelids heavy. Her boy toy tried to pull her back to him, but she was focused on me now.
“Okay,” she mumbled and didn’t even bother to say goodbye to the guy. I was impressed.
We linked arms and walked sideways through the crowd of people. It seemed like this party was girl-heavy, just another reason to depart pronto. I wondered if I could convince them to stop at Waffle House on the way back.
When I approached Sheridan she looked worried.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“It’s Amanda,” Sheridan replied. “She just left. When I tried to stop her, she ignored me and just walked
right out. I didn’t want to leave without letting y’all know. I have no idea where Olivia is.”
Right on cue, Olivia popped up, seemingly out of nowhere.
“Sorry I was trying to get another drink,” she said. “They’re already out though. Bummer.”
“Amanda just ran out,” I said. “We need to find her.”
* * *
This wasn’t like Amanda. She’d never left anything in such a dramatic fashion before. Something had happened and the sooner I figured out what it was, the sooner I could kick someone’s ass if I needed to.
“Amanda!” I called. I could see her walking quickly over Beta Bridge, going toward the green field we’d passed earlier. It wasn’t lit though, so I didn’t like the direction this was heading in.
“Nobody’s getting raped tonight!” I yelled and a couple of guys walking past us laughed and mocked me. Fuckers.
We started to walk, quickly, so we could catch up with her.
What the hell could be wrong?
“Amanda!” I yelled again and Brooke yelled it too as she stumbled next to me in her ridiculous foam flip flops.
Amanda finally stopped and turned around. She was hugging herself and I could see she was crying. My heart dropped. Amanda never cried.
“Guys, let me talk to her,” I said holding up my hand. “Go get the car, Sheridan. Meet us here. Okay?”
Sheridan nodded and Brooke turned to follow her. Olivia was next to me.
“I should come with you,” she said. “I’m worried. Did she say what was wrong?”
I shook my head. “No, Sheridan said she just ran out. Let me talk to her. This is weird. Be right back.”