by Maria Arnt
After a moment Rowena’s words kicked in, and Tanya felt her face flush. “I uh... Well...” She glared at Seth, irritated that he had chosen this of all the cover stories he could have spun. He just looked amused.
“It’s okay,” Rowena reassured her, and her hand slid up her arm before she traced the line of her jaw with a finger. “We can take it easy,” she murmured, her eyes half-lidded as she looked at Tanya’s mouth.
And just like that, Tanya wanted her. Not in a sexual way—she’d never felt that way about girls—but she needed to kiss her, to press her up against the wall, to bite her. Instead, she touched her, fingering a stray strand of her long hair, smelling it.
Rowena chuckled and leaned forward to place a kiss on her cheek. This effectively placed Tanya’s face in the crook of her neck, and she inhaled deeply. She smelled fantastic, in a way no perfume could.
When Rowena pulled back, Seth came to stand behind her, his hands on her shoulders. “Do you like her?” he asked, a smug smile on his face.
“Yes,” Tanya breathed.
“Oh good,” Rowena quipped, and kissed Tanya on the mouth.
The next few moments were a blur of sensation. The taste of Rowena’s mouth, her skin. Her arms, wrapped around Tanya, Rowena’s soft form pressed against hers. Seth’s hand, sliding up Tanya’s back, cutting in to steal a kiss from Rowena as well. Tanya slipped around behind her while Rowena remained distracted by his considerable skill, and pulled the girl’s hair away from the exposed shoulder.
The vein in her neck was so tempting, and Tanya even allowed herself to draw her tongue up the pale blue length of it. Seth opened his eyes to shoot her a warning glance, and she realized that he had released her from any control he might have exerted. She remembered what he had said, and pulled away, kissing a line down Rowena’s shoulder into safer territory.
By now Rowena was totally into it, moaning as Seth hitched her leg up over his hip, her body pressed between theirs. It was now or never, Tanya realized, and rather than hesitate, she bit down on her shoulder. She heard Rowena gasp with pleasure, and then bit harder until her mouth filled with the taste of her blood.
It was unimaginably good. If she had to pick a food to compare it to—and no food she had ever eaten could compare—it was like a gourmet tomato soup, thin and hot and so exquisitely delicious she moaned at the taste. She drank and drank, sucking, trying to pull more into her mouth than the small veins wanted to offer up.
The sound of the music faded away, replaced by the rush of blood, the heart pumping it towards her, fast and frantic. Time seemed to slow down until nothing existed but Tanya and Rowena’s body arching back against hers, her head tilting to offer her better access. The more she drank, the better it got, and she had a strange feeling, like something just out of reach, some shining ecstasy just waiting for her to grasp.
Suddenly Tanya felt a sharp pain in her scalp, and she yelped as her head was pulled back quickly. She snarled, actually growled like an animal, Seth’s face swimming into focus over Rowena’s shoulder. Then his mouth was crashing against hers, his tongue delving dangerously into her mouth. Tanya didn’t fight him, but reciprocated forcefully, as if she could drink from his mouth instead.
In a flash, she came back to herself, pulling away and gasping. Seth smiled, and swiped his thumb across her chin and lower lip, before bringing it to his own mouth to suck away the blood. Shivering, she took a couple steps back, just in time to see Rowena slump against him.
Oh god, what had she done?
Seth caught the young woman easily and moved to lower her to one of the benches.
“Oh my god, is she okay?” Tatiana gasped, pressing the back of her hand against her mouth.
Once Rowena was laid out on the bench, he pulled back one of her eyelids to check. “Yes, I think so. If you listen carefully, you should still be able to hear her heartbeat,” he instructed, and paused to do so himself. “She’s just fainted. It’s not uncommon.”
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tatiana sit on the opposite bench, shoulders hunched and arms pulled in tight. He finished attending to the girl, healing the rather deeper than necessary bite on her shoulder with ease. He pulled out a handkerchief and wiped away the remaining blood.
“Good as new,” he joked and stood.
Tatiana looked in bad shape, staring at the girl much the way she had stared at her young friend.
“You did well,” he said softly, stroking her hair gently. She flinched away but looked up at him with tear-filled eyes.
“I... I...” she shook her head, unable to come up with a coherent sentence.
“Shh...” he crouched before her, so they were on a level. “It’s okay, darling. You were marvelous. She will be just fine with a good night’s sleep and a few steak dinners. Let me get her in a cab, and we can get home.”
“Are you sure?” she said shakily, looking past him at Rowena.
“Yes. Let me bring her around, and I’ll show you.” He gave her hand a squeeze and turned to the sleeping lady. She was lucky, very few survived a changeling’s first feeding. Carefully, he sat her up and gently slapped her cheek until her eyelids fluttered open.
“Ugh...” she murmured. “What happened?”
“I believe you passed out,” he said helpfully.
Rowena woke up the rest of the way, looking around and blinking. “Oh, god, I’m so sorry,” she said, clearly mortified. “I don’t usually drink this much, I just had a really crap week, and I wanted to—”
“It’s okay,” he assured her, and stood up. “Can you walk?” he offered her his hand.
She took it and stood. She was a little wobbly, but not too bad. She glanced over at Tatiana, who regarded her as one might have looked at Lazarus. “Are you okay?” Rowena asked.
“Y-yes, are you okay?” Tatiana stuttered.
“Yeah.” Rowena pressed a hand to her forehead. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“No it’s okay,” Tatiana answered quickly. “I just worried….”
“Let me call you a cab,” Seth offered.
Rowena sighed. “That’s probably a good idea. I’m sorry guys,” she gave Tatiana a weary smile. “Don’t let this ruin you for girls, okay?” she joked.
Tatiana blinked rapidly for a moment and then nodded stiffly.
“Stay here,” Seth instructed, “I’ll be right back.”
She nodded again but looked lost in her thoughts. He helped Rowena back through the club and then hailed a taxi for her. Once she was settled inside, he gave her more than enough money for the fare, telling her to keep the extra and treat herself to a nice dinner. He then instructed the driver to make sure she made it into her building, before tipping him heavily as well.
He watched the taxi pull away, and then returned to the club. He finally made it back through the crush into the courtyard, only to discover that Tatiana was gone.
15
Suppressing a surge of panic, Seth jumped the fence that enclosed the courtyard easily. He looked down the alleyway in both directions, breathing deeply, trying to catch the familiar perfume of her blood. There was no trail of scent to suggest she had gone either way, so he climbed back over and rushed for the door.
When he opened it, there was someone about to exit on the other side: a woman, with a fake tan and too much makeup.
“Well hey there,” she smiled, looking him up and down. “You lost? Because I think I just found ya.”
“No,” he said sharply, and pushed past her, ignoring the sound of protest she made.
Once inside, he scanned the writhing crowd but caught no flash of her flame-red hair. In here, it was impossible to follow her by smell alone. Where could she have gone? There was only one other exit in this fire trap, and that was the front door. What if she had been in the crowd while he came back in, and had left while he looked out back?
He needed to ask someone if they had seen her, but who? Who could have noticed her in this mess of humanity? His eye caught the small blo
nde waitress, Isabel, he remembered her name. “Izzy!” he all but shouted.
Her head whipped towards him, although his cry must have been nearly impossible to hear in the din. There were some advantages, he supposed, to having sampled the staff. She made her way quickly through the crowd, ignoring patrons clamoring for her attention.
“What can I do for you, sir?” she asked breathlessly.
Despite his anxiety, he couldn’t help but smile. Maybe it wasn’t so hard to find good help after all. “Izzy, have you seen my companion, a little taller than you, red hair—”
“Tanya?” she asked. “She was looking for you, right?”
He nodded. “And now I’m looking for her. Have you seen her here tonight?”
“Yeah,” Izzy blinked, surprised. “I think I saw her go into the bathroom,” she pointed towards the restrooms. “She looked like she was going to be sick.”
Aha. Mystery solved. He turned to go, but Izzy caught his arm. “You can’t go in there,” she laughed, but then gave him a look of sympathy. “I’ll go see if she’s okay,” she offered.
He followed her as far as he could and then stationed himself next to the door.
Tanya stared into the toilet, at the clear water. Thank god this place had clean bathrooms, but right now she could have used a little squalor. As soon as Seth had left, she was sure she was going to throw up. She’d made a bee-line for the toilets, and there she had remained, staring, waiting for the horrible sight she was about to see. She was more afraid of that than the thought of being sick.
She could just picture it, too, the red mess of it swirling in the bowl. Blood. She had drunk blood. And god, had it tasted good. Just the thought of it, of the rapture she had felt as it poured down her throat, made her stomach roil again.
But it wouldn’t happen. God, she wanted it out of her. She could feel it, warm and heavy, in her stomach. Could feel it becoming part of her. With one shaking hand, she pushed a finger deep down her throat.
She gagged, and coughed, and even dry-heaved, but nothing came up. Why couldn’t she throw up? Distantly she remembered when she’d had her wisdom teeth out when she was 16. She’d eaten so much cherry jello she’d puked for hours. Now, of all ironies, nothing would come up.
The increase in noise told her the door had opened. “Tanya?” a timid voice came, and the door closed again.
She wiped her mouth and stood up. Unlocking the stall door, she peeked out. The waitress, Izzy, was standing just inside the door.
“You okay?” she asked.
She leaned her head against the stall. “I don’t know,” she admitted.
“Casanova’s out there looking for you,” she gestured over her shoulder with her thumb. “Don’t want to keep him waiting,” she grinned.
“Oh, fuck him,” Tanya groaned, and turned, hoping the rise of bile in her throat meant she would finally throw up.
Izzy laughed. “Yeah, well, we don’t all get what we want, do we?” She sounded heart-wrenchingly pathetic.
For a moment, she felt sorry for Izzy. Tanya knew she had a crush on Seth, and he’d probably sent her in here to fetch her. Bastard. “Honey, there is a whole world of nasty there you don’t even want to start with,” she moaned.
Izzy chewed on her lip a little. For the first time, Tanya noticed that she couldn’t hear the waitress’s heart, wasn’t constantly distracted by the veins in her arms. Guess I’m not hungry anymore.
“Well, everyone’s got baggage,” she shrugged at last.
Tanya smiled. “You have no idea.”
“You’re not going to come out, are you?” she returned the smile.
“Nope,” she agreed.
“Suit yourself.” Izzy raised her hands and left.
She locked herself back in the stall. By now she knew she wasn’t going to be sick, but she didn’t want to go back just yet. She just wanted to be alone, to be away from him for a while.
She could hear the door open again, although the rise in volume wasn’t as much. Maybe it was open only a little, and it stayed that way.
“Tatiana?” It was the last voice she wanted to hear.
She put her head in her hands and tried not to sob. Can’t I get five fucking minutes without him?
“Tatiana darling, let’s go home,” he offered sweetly.
She bet Izzy was still standing there. Tanya doubted he was being nice for her own sake. She said nothing, hoping he would give up. It didn’t work.
The next time he spoke his voice was pitched low, so only she would have caught it. “Tatiana, either you come out of there yourself or—”
“Or what, you’ll come in and get me?” she laughed. She could just picture him dragging her out of the club, kicking and screaming. Seth wasn’t going to make a scene, and she knew it.
“Or you will come out not of your own volition,” he shot back.
Oh, right. He can make me his little puppet any time he wants to. It surprised her that he hadn’t done so already. She thought about that for a minute.
He wants me to go on my own.
He wants me to want to go with him.
He wants me to make the choice.
Tanya sighed. “Give me a minute,” she said and unlocked the stall. The bathroom door closed obligingly, and she came out, looking at herself in the mirror. “Not much of a choice,” she grumbled to her reflection. But it was. Deep down, she knew he was offering her the option to keep her dignity. The illusion of free will, if not the real thing. Part of her was exhausted, sick of the mind games.
But the other part, a small quiet part of her, was grateful. He could have controlled her the whole way through, not for her own benefit, but for his, to make things easier. He had a reason for choosing not to, and she didn’t think it was out of convenience.
She was a mess. Fortunately, it didn’t look like there was any blood left on her face—Seth’s kiss had been rather thorough, she thought distantly—but she’d managed to smear her eyeshadow, and there were dark tracks where her tears had ruined the eyeliner. She grabbed a couple paper towels, got them wet, and wiped off her face. Even with the rough recycled paper, it felt fantastic. She washed the last of her makeup off and threw them away. Bracing herself for the noise, she opened the door.
Seth was leaning against the opposite wall, arms crossed tightly as he studied his shoes. He glanced up as she walked out, and his face lit up. He pushed off the wall and folded her in his arms.
“I shouldn’t have left you alone,” he murmured close to her ear.
“It’s okay,” she said, resisting the urge to push away from him. “Let’s go.”
“Of course,” he said, and bustled her out of the club.
The drive home was silent. As soon as she buckled her seatbelt, Tatiana leaned her head against the window and watched the streetlights fly past.
As he made the trip automatically, Seth went over the night’s events in his head, over and over. Where had he gone wrong? Clearly, she had liked the victim he had picked. He’d even managed to find one whose dress would facilitate the feeding. If the look on her face had been any indication, Tatiana had enjoyed it immensely. He lingered over that image, the crazed ecstasy in her eyes. It was only the knowledge that she would hate herself if she killed—and him, even more so—that made him pull her back.
If only the girl hadn’t fainted. In that one moment, he knew Tatiana thought she had killed her, he could see it. But then she should have been relieved to see the girl get back up and leave.
He should never have left her alone, he cursed himself silently. She had done so well, he thought she would have been fine for a moment. He should have just left the girl there to wake herself, and the consequences be damned. It went against everything he had learned to do so, but he needed to make Tatiana his first and only priority from here on. He should have known.
When they returned to the condo, she went straight for the staircase.
“Sunrise isn’t for another five hours,” he reminded her softly.
She paused on the third step. “Yeah. I’m gonna take a bath, and then go to bed early if that’s okay.”
“Of course.” He came to stand on the other side of the railing, looking up at her. “Tatiana... I have to know...”
Her eyes turned to look at him, but she seemed a million miles away.
“Didn’t you like it, darling?” he asked. “Wasn’t it better than you imagined?”
She seemed to come into focus, a line forming between her eyes. “It was better. So much better...” she trailed off.
“Then why are you so solemn? You did wonderfully,” he reached up to put a hand over hers on the banister.
She glared down at it as if it were some hideous creature. “You don’t understand,” she whispered. “That’s why I’m upset. I liked it. I enjoyed it. I wanted more, wanted to...” she swallowed, and turned away, yanking her hand back.
He came to the foot of the steps but stopped when she held out a hand. “Up until now,” she said, still facing away from him, “I could pretend I was still me.” Her voice sounded strangled, her throat tightened by emotion. “But I’m not. You made me something I’m not. And I’ll never forgive you for that.”
She turned, at last, to face him. In her eyes, he saw a depth of hatred he’d never imagined her capable of feeling.
“Tatiana...” he breathed, although how he wasn’t sure.
He didn’t know what she saw in his face, if the pain her words caused had shown, or if his mask remained. Whatever it was, it hardened her resolve.
“Stop calling me that,” she hissed.
“What?” he frowned.
“My name is Tanya,” she spat, and then walked deliberately up the stairs.
Helpless, he watched, until she was out of sight.
Gods above and below, he thought. What have I done?
16
The next few days were a numb blur. Every evening Tanya would wake up, get dressed, trudge downstairs, and train. Every morning she would climb the stairs, exhausted, and flop on her bed, happy to give herself up to the release of sleep.