‘So you keep saying.’
‘That’s because it’s true.’
‘Are you going to get a divorce?’
As soon as she’d said it, the question brought back memories from the past, hazy memories of having asked it before. Had they been here before? A vague recollection of Jack going to stay with Uncle Sam came slowly back to her. Yes, she remembered now. It was a few years back, not long before they put the house on the market and moved up here.
‘I don’t know, darling. It’s too early to talk about things like that.’
‘If you don’t take me with you, I’ll run away.’
‘Indie, I need you here. I need you to look after your brothers and sister, to keep an eye on Mum and make sure she’s okay. It’s an important job and I’m trusting you to do it. Please.’
She looked at her father’s pleading face and knew that she probably owed him one now. ‘Fine,’ she agreed huffily. ‘But if anything kicks off, I’m out of here.’
‘Okay. Deal.’
She took a sip of her hot chocolate and then said, ‘How’s Benji?’
‘Confused, upset. I’ve already been in to see him.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said again.
‘I know.’
‘I don’t want to come downstairs, to face Mum.’
‘I understand but you can’t live in your room forever.’
She smiled, despite herself. ‘Why not?’
‘Come on, Indie, you might as well rip the plaster off. I’ll come with you if you like?’
‘Or I could pack a bag and leave with you instead?’ she asked hopefully, even though she already knew what his answer would be.
‘Come on, Indie, I’ll be with you the whole time.’ He reached out a hand.
‘Promise you won’t leave me alone with her?’
‘I promise.’
She climbed out of bed and walked reluctantly down the stairs, sick at the prospect of seeing her mother. She was angry with her and terrified of her, and she wasn’t sure which emotion was going to win in a confrontation.
At the bottom of the stairs she almost bolted out of the front door in her pyjamas but Jack kept a firm hold of her hand and gently pulled her towards the kitchen. When they reached the doorway, she saw Angie sitting at the table. She heard the TV behind her and guessed that Ellie and Freddy were watching cartoons in the den. She wished she was with them.
Her mother looked up and fixed her gaze directly on her. She wanted to stare back, to prove that she wasn’t afraid of her, but she couldn’t stop herself from lowering her eyes. Her courage and self-righteousness from last night had gone. She braced herself for Angie to go at her full throttle. Instead the room was silent. What is she waiting for?
Finally she couldn’t take it anymore and she looked up, locking eyes with Angie, but her mum’s expression wasn’t what she had been expecting at all. She looked tired, sad and defeated. There was no hint of anger on her face. Indie, who was used to seeing her mother perfectly made up, confident and in control at all times, found the transformation unnerving.
‘Hi, Indie,’ she said.
‘Hi,’ she replied, moving slowly towards the kitchen table.
‘Can we talk?’
Indie glanced at her dad. He nodded reassuringly and sat down at the table, gesturing for her to sit beside him. After a moment’s hesitation she did.
Her mother frowned. ‘I think it would be better if we talked alone. Woman to woman?’
Indie shook her head. ‘Dad stays.’
Angie nodded wearily. ‘Okay.’
They regarded each other before Angie spoke. ‘Indie, what you did last night hurt a lot of people. I only wish that you had come to talk to me about it first.’
Indie started to protest but Angie held up her hand. ‘Let me finish. What you did was hurtful. But I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been going through, finding out what you did. I am so deeply, deeply sorry for that. It was unforgivable of me.’
Angie had tears in her eyes and Indie welled up too. She blinked furiously, determined to hide her emotion from her mother.
‘I’ve behaved terribly,’ Angie continued. ‘I’ve hurt your father and I’ve hurt you and your siblings which is the last thing I’d ever want to do. I understand why you’re angry with me and I’m not asking for your forgiveness, but I do want you to know that I love you very much. And if there’s anything you want to ask me, I’ll answer truthfully. No more secrets or lies between us.’
Indie thought for a moment and then asked, ‘Do you love Alan?’
‘No.’
‘Why did you do it?’
Angie glanced at Jack before she answered. ‘I’ve been trying to work that out myself,’ she said carefully. ‘I’ve been feeling worried and low for some time now and I didn’t talk to anyone about it. Instead, I let myself do something very stupid.’
‘Do you love Dad?’
‘Yes, very much, but I was also angry with him.’
Indie was confused. ‘Why?’
Angie looked pained. ‘I got an idea in my head about him.’
‘Which was?’
Angie looked reluctant to say.
‘You said no lies, Mum.’
‘I thought Daddy was having an affair. But he wasn’t.’
She’d asked for the truth but now she had it, Indie was feeling even more uncomfortable. Her mother was being so frank, so honest. She’d never had a conversation with her like this before, like they were two grown-ups. She’d been telling her mum to stop treating her like a little child for ages and now that she had, Indie didn’t know what to do with it.
‘Why is Dad moving out when you’re the one who made the mistake?’
‘It was Dad’s decision. He’s offered to go and stay with Uncle Sam for a while, to give us a bit of space. I’ve decided to take some time off work. So, I’m going to be around a lot more and I want to use that time to make it up to you all, to be a better mother.’
This was all far too civilised, Indie thought, her temper flaring. Too damn civilised. Where was the anger, the hate, the recriminations? She looked at Jack, who seemed so calm.
‘Why aren’t you angry, Dad? Why are you both being so nice, so polite to each other?’
She heard a noise behind her and swung round to see Benji standing in the doorway. She had no idea how long he’d been listening to their conversation. She glanced at her brother and smiled in what she hoped was a conciliatory way but he didn’t look at her.
‘I am angry,’ Jack replied. ‘And I’m hurt. But right now you, and your siblings, are our number one priority. There’s plenty of time for Mum and me to talk things through but first we need to make sure that you’re okay.’
‘Can I go and live with Dad?’ Indie asked, directing the question at her mother.
‘We’ve discussed it and we’ve decided that it’s better if you all stay here, in your own home. Dad will be over all the time to see you.’
‘But I want to be with Dad.’
‘I understand but there’s not enough room at Uncle Sam’s and it’s too far to go to school every day. It’s just for now, Indie, until we work out something more permanent.’
‘Like a divorce?’
She saw her parents looking at each other before Angie replied, ‘I don’t know.’
Indie opened her mouth to speak and then shut it again. What was there left to say? She wanted to shout and scream at her mother, to tell her that she was an absolute cow, but her calm, brutal honesty had taken the wind out of her sails. She had another thought. ‘Have you spoken to Sophie?’
‘No.’
‘Are we going to have to move house again now?’
‘I hope not.’
‘Bit close to home, Mum, your lover living next door.’
Shouting erupted from the den and Jack stood up and dashed off to investigate. As he left the room, Benji sat down beside Indie in his empty seat. Angie looked at them both and then leaned forward and said urgently, ‘Obvio
usly Ellie and Freddy don’t know anything about this and it has to stay that way, okay? They’re too young to understand.’
‘What are you going to tell them then? About Dad moving out.’
‘Just that he’s staying with Uncle Sam for a while.’
‘What about Tom and Katie though? They’re, like, best friends. Are they still going to be allowed to hang out?’
Angie looked crushed. ‘I don’t know, Indie.’
Jack returned to the kitchen with Ellie and Freddy in tow and Angie plastered a bright smile on her face and stood up to start making breakfast. Indie remained seated for a moment, watching as her mum cracked eggs into a bowl and Jack set the table, and it was so horribly fake and wrong that she couldn’t bear it any longer.
‘I’m going to have a shower. I don’t want breakfast,’ she said. No one stopped her. As she turned on the shower and waited for it to heat up, she grabbed her phone and sent a quick message to Daisy. SOS. Can I come over? Family gone mad.
The sooner she was out of this mad house, the better.
19
Sophie’s first instinct when she saw Indie standing on her porch was to slam the door in her pretty little face. But then she took in the teenager’s terrified expression and took pity on her.
‘Come in,’ she said.
Indie followed her into the living room and sat down on the sofa, fidgeting nervously with her hands. For a while nobody spoke, until Sophie said impatiently, ‘Come on then, out with it.’
‘I’ve come to say sorry,’ Indie said, looking down at her nails.
‘Did your mum send you round?’
‘No?’
‘Your dad?’
Indie looked guilty and Sophie nodded. ‘How is he?’
‘He’s moved out.’
This was a development. Sophie wasn’t particularly surprised to hear it but she wondered why Jack hadn’t told her himself. She hadn’t heard from him since New Year’s Day.
‘How’s your mum?’ Sophie couldn’t help asking.
‘Not great,’ Indie said. ‘In a bit of a state actually.’
Sophie nodded. She should be pleased to hear it but she wasn’t particularly.
‘How are you?’ she asked Indie who, despite her heavy make-up, looked tired and gaunt. Although she had done something pretty shitty, she was still just a child.
‘Fine,’ she said, her shaking hands betraying her words.
‘I’m not angry with you, Indie,’ Sophie began, and then stopped. ‘Okay, I’m a bit angry with you, but I don’t blame you. It wasn’t your fault.’
Indie finally looked at her then, for the first time since she’d arrived. ‘Thank you,’ she said.
Sophie nodded and began to stand up, assuming that the conversation was over, but Indie seemed reluctant to leave yet.
‘Was there anything else?’ Sophie asked.
‘Is Alan still here?’
‘Not right now no. If you mean, is he still living here then the answer is yes.’
‘Are you going to get a divorce?’
It’s none of your damn business, Sophie thought, but she bit her tongue. ‘I don’t know. That’s between me and Alan.’
‘I think Mum and Dad are going to get a divorce.’
Indie looked as though she wanted Sophie to disagree, to tell her that she was wrong, but she couldn’t do it. She said nothing.
‘I’ve been remembering things,’ Indie continued, ‘from the past. It’s not the first time Dad’s moved out. I think they’ve been having problems for years.’
Sophie’s eyebrows shot up at this revelation. She had always thought Angie and Jack were the perfect couple. Affectionate, attractive, vivacious, they were basically cover stars for a magazine about successful marriage. Was it really possible that it had been an illusion? All the time she had spent with Angie over the last few years, drinking cups of tea or glasses of wine, she had never breathed a word about trouble in paradise. Nor had Jack for that matter.
But even if Angie had been unhappy, nothing could justify what she had done. And as for her own marriage, that had definitely been a happy one. Hadn’t it? Another image of Alan and Angie together flashed across her mind and she winced.
‘Anyway,’ Indie said, breaking the silence. ‘I’d better get to school. I’m super late.’
‘Thanks for coming by,’ Sophie said, walking her to the front door. ‘Listen, Indie, if you need anything, or you want to talk to someone, I’m always here.’
Indie gave her a small wave and made her way down the road. Sophie stood and watched her until she disappeared around the corner and then she shut the door quietly, thinking about how interesting it was that the daughter had come to apologise but not the mother.
Angie opened the front door and let herself back into the house, closing it behind her with relief. She’d been feeling sick about the school run, terrified that she might run into Sophie, or that all of Sophie’s friends would be huddled together in the playground staring at her, hating her. She deserved it but she didn’t have to like it. However, with Jack not living at home for the time being, she had no choice but to get on with it. She’d made the children leave earlier than usual to reduce the chances of them bumping into the Brennans, much to their disappointment.
‘But, Mum, can’t we scoot to school with Tom and Katie today?’ Ellie had pleaded.
‘Not today, come on,’ Angie had replied.
In the end, they got to school so early that they didn’t see anyone they knew. But on her way home, she saw the Brennan children hurtling towards her in the opposite direction. Her stomach lurched in fear but then she spotted Alan, not Sophie, dashing after them. Their eyes met and they nodded at each other, but they didn’t wave. They hadn’t said a word to one another since the party and she wasn’t sure that there was any point in them talking. They’d fucked up big time. There was never going to be any future for them, and now they both had to focus on fixing the damage they had caused in their own lives. It was each man for himself.
She felt wretched. How had she let this happen? She had known that sleeping with Alan was a mistake but for a short while she just hadn’t cared. She had wanted to feel reckless, rebellious, desired. She never gave much thought to the aftermath until she was in it. Now her husband hated her, her daughter hated her, her best friend hated her and she hated herself. She’d thought she’d hit rock bottom before, but she’d been nowhere near. This, right here, was rock bottom.
Jack could barely look at her. He put on an incredible performance in front of the children, so much so that he had even fooled her once or twice. But when they were alone, he made sure that she was under no illusion as to what he really thought of her.
‘You’ve humiliated me,’ he said to her after Indie’s big reveal. ‘You’ve betrayed me. And with him. Our neighbour. Our friend. How could you have done it, Angie?’
She tried to explain it to him. The way his behaviour had made her feel, her growing mistrust of him, the stress of moving away from their old life, trying to be the best at everything, keeping things locked up inside for so long, and how it had all finally got too much for her. But when she said it out loud it sounded feeble, even to her.
Jack had been scathing. ‘You should have talked to me, Angie. I asked you over and over again what was wrong. Why do you have to bottle everything up all the time, even with your own husband? It’s not natural. And as for not trusting me, I’ve never cheated on you. That was you. You did that.’
‘I know,’ she said.
‘You need some help.’
‘I know that too.’
She didn’t know if they were going to get past this. Deep down she wondered if she even wanted to. It was exhausting being married to Jack. He was the only man that she had ever really loved, the father of their four amazing children, but did he make her happy? Would she ever trust him or feel secure in their marriage? And would he ever trust her again, for that matter? Did she have the energy to fight for him, to fix the damage? She w
asn’t sure anymore.
And then there was Sophie, who was probably only a few metres away from her now, in her own house, although there was far more than a brick wall dividing them. Her neighbour, her friend, who had never been anything but warm, generous and kind to her. How could she face her after what she had done? She hadn’t just destroyed her own marriage; she had destroyed Sophie’s too. Perhaps she had been slightly envious of Sophie and Alan’s happy marriage in the past but she felt no pleasure at being responsible for breaking it up.
She had to go and see Sophie, to get the inevitable confrontation out of the way, but every time she steeled herself, she found an excuse to delay it. They could never be friends again, that much was obvious, but could they survive living next door to each other? They had to find a way to make it work because Angie couldn’t bring herself to move house again. She almost laughed at the irony of the situation. She had insisted that they move to Finchley to get away from the bad memories, for a new start. But what Jack had done paled in comparison to what she had done. And when word got out, as it inevitably would, how could she look anyone in the eye at the school gates? Would rumours spread around school? Would her children find out about it? It didn’t bear thinking about, yet it was the reality that she knew she would probably have to face.
Bile rose in her throat and she rushed to the toilet in case she was sick. After retching a couple of times, she sat down on the cold, tiled floor of the bathroom. She contemplated making a gin and tonic even though it was only nine thirty in the morning. She almost did it but stopped herself at the last minute. Instead, she put the kettle on and gave herself a talking to.
Her life may have fallen apart, but she still had a family to look after. It was time to start putting herself back together, piece by piece. She had already called in sick at work and asked for a meeting with HR to discuss a sabbatical. She was going to look for counsellors today and make an appointment as soon as possible. She would give Jack a few days and then ask him to meet with her so they could start rummaging through the rubble of their marriage and see if there was anything worth salvaging. As for Benji and Indie, she’d make it up to them. She’d make it right.
The Woman Next Door Page 18