by Jo Thomas
‘Just like us!’ says Rhi. I walk across the room, drawn to look out of the window at the sun-drenched valley. Once more, I wonder where Stephanie is and when – if – she’ll be back.
‘Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!’ I run to the stairs, the others in hot pursuit behind me.
THIRTY-TWO
Ralph is panting proudly, his fur stained red from the freshly dug red soil he’s standing in. There is soil everywhere and lavender too, from the new plants Carine and Fabien gave me. I put them in and have been diligently watering them every day. I could cry. In fact, I hold my hands over my face and let the tears come in sobbing gulps for the mess I’ve made of things. Everything. The house, Stephanie and Tomas, Fabien …
Rhi and Lou wrap their arms around me. Tomas hugs my knees. Ralph barks, not wanting to be left out.
The sobbing eases, and I say what I know everyone is thinking.
‘What if I’ve made a mistake? What if I shouldn’t have stayed? What if it was just an impetuous hormonal moment of madness? Maybe I should have gone home and made it work with Ollie.’
My friends look at me and for once Lou doesn’t speak first.
‘What if you’re just tired and worried?’ says Rhi. ‘Only you can know if this is what you really want, or if you’d rather have your old life with Ollie. No one’s going to judge you.’
‘You’ve always been there for us, Del, and we’re here for you, whatever you want to do,’ says Lou. I straighten and look at the dug-up plants with despair.
Rhi looks at me, then at the plants, picks one up, digs a hole with her hands and puts the plant back. ‘Am I doing it right?’
I smile and nod. Lou, in her painting clothes, takes a plant and does the same. I sniff. ‘How about it, Tomas? Shall we plant the lavender too? Start again?’
And he nods. I just wish Stephanie was here with us.
We spend the afternoon replanting the lavender, in the heat. When we’ve finished those, we plant the ones Fabien brought from Serge. We’re much better at planting lavender than we are at painting and house renovation. We wear big straw hats against the afternoon sun, and the repetitive nature of the work seems to bring us comfort as we wait for news. In the middle of the afternoon, I hear a car pull up the drive. Fabien’s truck. I’m hot, dirty, and my face is still puffy from all the crying I did earlier.
Rhi takes one look at me and says, ‘I’ll go.’ Before I can say anything she’s run round to the front of the house, while I dust myself down. Tomas follows her, with Ralph.
I take a deep breath, lift my head and walk round the side of the house, in time to see Fabien’s truck disappearing down the drive in a cloud of dust.
Rhi turns to me and shrugs. ‘He wanted to know if there was any news of Stephanie,’ she says. ‘I told him Henri had seen her, but she hadn’t come home. He brought Tomas a present.’
It’s the rocking horse. And, by the look of it, Fabien’s given it a makeover. He’s even painted ‘Tomas’ on the saddle. Tomas is thrilled and is already climbing aboard. Ralph is looking at it warily – he has competition.
I don’t know what I was expecting from Fabien, but not the cold shoulder. Rhi is staring at me, and I know she’s wondering if anything has gone on. ‘It was just a kiss,’ I say quietly, even though it was so much more.
We walk around to the side of the house. My back aches, but I’m determined to finish getting the plants in. If nothing else, it stops me thinking about the mess I’ve made of things, and backache is the very least I deserve. Maybe I should just go home. Maybe this was a stupid idea.
As the sun sets, the sky turns a beautiful shade of blue, pink, and then purple, the colour of lavender again. At least I’ve started to bring lavender back to the mas: I will have done something good to leave behind, if I go, something that didn’t make more mess.
I walk into the cool kitchen and pour a glass of water. I offer Rhi and Lou wine, but no one’s really in the mood.
Rhi’s iPad is on the table, where she’s been keeping in touch with the salon, watching customers come and go on her video link, making sure the business keeps ticking over, tutting when someone doesn’t do something in the way she likes it done.
My laptop went with all my belongings and frankly, I’m in no rush to get any of it back. But right now, I do need to hear from Stephanie. I look at Rhi’s iPad, open it up. It looks like the internet is actually working and I quickly log in to my Facebook page, fingers shaking. I know Rhi won’t mind. I wait for it to load, hoping Stephanie has tried to get in touch that way. But there’s nothing. I think about Ollie and feel guilty that he’ll have to explain to people why I’m not there. Maybe I should post something. Or maybe – maybe this was a blip and I should go back. I flip to his page and see he’s changed his Facebook photo to a profile of himself, not the two of us. I wonder what he’s written and I’m about to look when my name is shouted from outside.
I run to the front door to see what the commotion’s about. Lou is hanging out of her window, freshly showered, a towel around her. Rhi has stood up from where she was playing with Tomas on the rocking horse in the dusty driveway. She’s shouting my name at the top of her voice. Ralph is barking. And then we all peer down the drive to a small figure, carrying her blue plastic bags, walking up it. She stops halfway.
‘Tomas,’ I say, despite the catch in my throat. He looks up at me, seemingly oblivious, and I hope he realizes what this means. I point and he looks. Rhi is evidently about to burst. And both figures stand and stare at each other. I hold my breath, as does Rhi, who’s turning red in the face. The figure standing halfway up the drive still hasn’t moved, and I don’t want to be the first to do so. I don’t want to get it wrong. I don’t want to scare her off.
Then, suddenly, Tomas climbs off the horse, drops to the dusty ground and shouts, ‘Maman!’
I breathe a huge sigh of relief and tears spring to my eyes yet again, this time of sheer joy. I can see Tomas toddling towards her. She drops her bags and runs to him. He stumbles and falls, face down. Rhi lurches forward, but stops herself. I clench my fists, resisting the urge to help. As he lets out a wail, Stephanie scoops him up, and holds him to her, tightly, and he puts his arms around her, tightly, as if they’ll never let each other go. And, once again, I can feel Mum close to me, making me feel that everything is going to be okay.
Stephanie kisses him over and over again, then walks towards me, abandoning her bags where they are. Has she come to take Tomas and go away again? Is this goodbye? There is nothing keeping her here.
She stands in front of me. Her eyes are big, tired and scared. I want to hug her, but I can’t. I have to let her tell me what she wants. I just feel it.
‘Maman,’ says Tomas, smiling now, making me smile too.
‘Oui,’ I say. ‘Your maman is here. You’ve missed her. And I think she has missed you.’ I look at her. ‘You’re his mother, Stephanie, and no one can ever replace you, or do a better job than the one you’re doing. He adores you. And no matter how many times things go wrong, he’ll never stop loving you. You’re his mum. And you only need one good parent in life to feel loved. I know. I had just one.’
There are tears in her eyes as she asks, ‘Can I come back, please?’ She swallows. ‘Back to how it was? I’ll work really hard, and I won’t let you down.’
‘You’ve never let me down, Stephanie. I feel I did that to you, and I’m sorry you’ve been hurt.’ Then I can’t stop myself any longer: I open my arms and hug her and Tomas close to me. ‘Welcome home, Stephanie,’ I say. ‘Now, go and shower and let’s cook,’ I say, finally releasing her.
Then Rhi hugs her and so does Lou. I get to work in the kitchen making one of Mum’s and my favourites: pasta bolognese.
Later I walk outside, where Rhi tops up my wine glass, then hers and Lou’s, and raises a toast. ‘To Le Petit Mas, cracks and all!’
‘Cracks and all!’ We sip as the sun vanishes on another day at Le Petit Mas. I wonder how much longer this lovely time here with
friends will last, and push to the back of my mind the question of what will happen when they go, if this place isn’t up and running as a chambre d’hôte. And why Ollie has changed his profile picture so soon.
For now, though, I’m just going to enjoy being here, with the people I care about. I’ll worry about everything else tomorrow. The cracks and all.
THIRTY-THREE
The following morning, as the sun begins to rise, life seems to have found its groove again, like the lavender plants in their rows in the field. Where yesterday there was chaos, now there is order.
It’s market day. Everyone is delighted to see Stephanie back. Even Cora comes over to say hello. ‘But just a word of warning,’ she says conspiratorially. ‘I heard you were running this business from home. Hope you have all the paperwork in order. You know what the French are like! I’m telling you as a friend, looking out for you.’ She seems genuine. Would someone try to push me out because I’m not French?
Henri is serving a table of two outside, and Stephanie is telling interested holidaymakers that the bakes are made at Le Petit Mas, with lavender and love. But Cora’s words niggle. What if I shouldn’t be making these things in my own kitchen? What if there are regulations I don’t know about, including not having hairy dogs in the kitchen? Is everyone who they seem to be?
Everything seems to be hanging by a thread that might snap at any moment. Even so, I let the morning sun warm my face and watch Stephanie and Tomas handing out samples on the plates I bought that first day in the brocante. Henri has told Fabien the good news about Stephanie. I wish he’d come to see her … or maybe I’m wishing he’d come to see me, which wouldn’t be a good idea. No, it’s best we keep our distance for all our sakes.
As the church clock strikes midday, we have hardly anything left. Tomas was a great salesman, making people smile. We pack up, put the table in Henri’s storeroom, have lunch and walk home along the riverbank with the bees buzzing, the water flowing in and around the bright green plants growing on the bottom, past the deep purple irises and overhanging wisteria. We pass the clearing. Stephanie stops and greets the man with the long beard and hair. She seems to be thanking him. She even takes Tomas to meet him and the man’s face lights up – he’s apparently delighted to see Stephanie reunited with her son. She waves to him as we walk on. I don’t ask who he is or where she went when she ran away.
‘He helped me, when I … was upset,’ she says.
We walk with Tomas between us. ‘Un, deux, trois!’ we say, and swing him into the air.
Maybe, just maybe, life is settling down for me here. I have a small business and I could enquire about any paperwork that needs to be filed. I have help with the business from Stephanie and my friends, who have given no sign that they intend to leave just yet. Life is starting to look pretty good, even without Fabien in it. Although I can’t help but wish he was …
‘Encore, encore!’ shouts Tomas.
‘Un, deux, trois! Wheeee!’
I may not have everything I want in life, but I’ve got a lot that makes me smile. I have enough to be content.
I am definitely moving forward.
THIRTY-FOUR
‘What do you mean, a man?’ I say to Rhi, as I put the empty boxes and cash tin on the table in the cool of the kitchen.
‘A man! Hanging around at the end of the drive!’
‘What was he doing there?’ I ask, concerned.
‘Just sort of hanging around,’ she says.
‘Did you get a good look at him?’ I ask.
‘No. I think Ralph scared him off, though.’
‘Okay,’ I say.
‘I mean, if there’s a homeless project just down the road …’ she says, in a low tone.
‘Now you’re beginning to sound like Cora,’ I say firmly.
‘I’m just saying maybe you should be careful.’
I think about Stephanie stopping at the clearing where the homeless gather. Surely no one from there would think of … No! No one would think of breaking in. Not that I’ve got much to take. The notion scratches at the back of my mind, but I push it aside. This is supposed to be our second chance, and Stephanie knows I can’t give her another if anything bad were to happen here. I trust her, I tell myself firmly. I’m going with my instinct. I just hope it hasn’t deserted me.
I clear the table and see Rhi’s iPad. She seems to be finding less time to watch her salon and the staff, and less to pick them up on. Instead she’s spending her time watering the lavender and Lou has been helping. Bedroom painting seems to have been abandoned in favour of the lavender field. Maybe I’ll get some more plants. Keep buying them. After all, if I’m to keep going with the business, I’ll need the lavender. Or was Cora right? Will I be shut down without the right paperwork in place? I wonder if I can find out more online.
I look at the iPad, then sit down. The tab for Ollie’s Facebook page is still there. When did he change his profile picture? Was it after we spoke on the phone, the day Stephanie went missing? I look at the picture. I don’t remember seeing it before. Thank goodness he’s taken down the one of me, though. I never liked it. I don’t think I’ve liked seeing photographs of myself for years now. In fact, I avoid mirrors if I can. I know I’ve put on weight, since all the treatment. I peer at the new photograph: is there anything about it to make my heart leap, make me think this was some kind of madness? No. Nothing at all. My mind turns to Fabien and how my whole body shivers when I see him. He makes me feel … alive. I look at the photo again. Ollie appears happy, and I’m glad for him. There’s nothing left between us. It was the right decision.
I’m about to close down the page when something catches my eye. The name of someone liking the picture. The name of a woman he worked with, whom he hadn’t been in touch with for years … not since that one time. Suddenly I feel cold, despite the sunshine outside.
My hand shaking, I press on her name. And there it is: ‘in a relationship with Ollie …’
I stare at the photograph in front of me and feel like I might be sick.
So, this is why we left the UK. And this is why he had been planning to go back. He ran away and now he’s gone back because …
‘Are you okay?’ Lou’s come in for a glass of water.
‘No,’ I say. ‘I don’t think I am.’
‘What’s up?’ Rhi comes in for water too.
‘Ollie,’ I say. I turn the screen towards them and show them the photograph and the byline. ‘He’s having a baby!’
And we stare at the picture of the heavily pregnant woman and her scan picture: ‘Mummy and Daddy, finally together!’
THIRTY-FIVE
‘So, let me get this right. He was having an affair all the time you were having IVF and when your mum died.’ Lou is straight to the point as ever.
‘Looks that way.’ I sigh.
‘And he suggested moving out here to get away from the situation, having clearly got her pregnant.’
‘It seems so.’
‘Looks like when she decided to go through with it, he felt guilty and made up a load of excuses to move back.’
‘He was going to keep his girlfriend and baby a secret from you,’ Rhi joins in.
‘That’s why he sent us out here, to check you really meant it and weren’t going to come back to him.’ Lou puts the pieces in place.
‘So he could go public with his—’ Rhi is interrupted.
‘Pregnant lover!’ Lou bangs the table.
‘Looks that way.’ My lips are numb. But my instinct had been spot on. I was right not to go back. I was right to stay. I was right that we were over. But right isn’t making me feel very good. I stand up, my knees shaking. I wasn’t enough for Ollie. I do the only thing I can think of doing: I start to dig over more of the earth in the lavender field, ready for new plants.
And I keep digging, under my wide-brimmed hat in the Provençal sunshine, breathing the scent of the rosemary, pine and lavender. Rhi and Lou join me and silently we work, stopping only for water. S
tephanie joins us, and we dig until the sun is dipping in the sky. Eventually, I stand to stretch out my back. Ralph is suddenly barking madly and I have no idea why.
‘Ralph, ssshh!’ I say, feeling much calmer than I did earlier. But Ralph doesn’t stop barking. I catch a glimpse of something … or maybe someone. Everyone stops and looks up.
‘Allô!’ I call. ‘Anyone there?’
We move towards each other, tools from the old barn in hand.
‘Allô!’ I call again. Ralph is still barking.
‘It’s okay! He won’t hurt you, he’s friendly!’ I say.
And then slowly, from around the side of the house, a figure appears, a young man in a baseball cap. Stephanie and I gasp.
THIRTY-SIX
‘JB!’ I’m incredulous.
He stands nervously, his hands thrust into his pockets. Stephanie doesn’t move either.
‘How did you find us?’ I ask, walking slowly and carefully towards him. He backs away as Ralph continues to bark.
‘I asked in the town. I told the man at the brocante I was … a friend of Stephanie.’ He seems to struggle to work out what he is to Stephanie: her ex, the father of her child. ‘He gave me a lift up here.’
I look around for any sign of Fabien. But there’s none. I wish he’d waited.
‘He was delivering some furniture,’ JB says. I think of the day he arrived with mine. The day I started my new life, without Ollie. Ollie and his new life are a world away from me and mine. It’s truly over.
I walk towards JB and Ralph runs around barking.
Stephanie scoops up Tomas protectively and holds him to her. Ralph barks even more excitedly as JB backs away from him again. And Tomas bursts into tears. JB looks petrified.