by Noelle Adams
“You weren’t an idiot at all.”
“But I was... something. Something I don’t like. To stay with a man who made me feel so... small.”
“You loved him,” he said, fighting to keep his voice mild when he was feeling anything but. “You wanted to make it work. If there’s an idiot in this situation, it’s him. Not you. He didn’t realize what he had. He just let it go.”
She peered at him for a moment. Then her face tightened with emotion. “Thank you, Keith.”
“For what?”
“For making me feel better. For always being on my side.”
He reached out to cup her face. “I’m always going to be on your side, Serena. If you can count on anything in the world, you can count on that.”
She gave a little sob and threw herself at him. That was what it felt like. She was all of a sudden kissing him, hard and urgent. Desperate.
Keith kissed her back. Of course he did. He grabbed her face with both hands to hold her steady so he could move his mouth against hers. She felt warm and needy. He could taste a faint hint of salt from her tears. He pulled her into his lap the way they’d done last night, and his body tightened with arousal so quickly it almost hurt.
They kissed and caressed and rubbed against each other for a long time, until Keith’s head was throbbing with need and feeling.
Then Serena finally leaned over and rasped against his ear. “I want to have sex, Keith. All the way. Please.”
Her voice broke on the last word. He could feel her trembling just a little.
It was those two things that slashed through his hot desire enough for him to pull back and lift her head so he could see her face.
She was turned on—just like he was. But she was also still crying inside. He knew her too well. He couldn’t talk himself out of the knowledge.
She might want this right now, but he couldn’t be sure why.
So he did one of the hardest things he’d ever done in his life. He cleared his throat and managed to say, “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I want you so much. But I don’t think we should do that tonight.”
“Wh-what?” Her face contorted briefly.
He’d hurt her, and he hated it. But it was better than hurting her worse. “I’m so sorry. You’re still upset. I can see it. And I don’t want to do this for the first time when you’re upset. When I can’t be certain why you’re choosing to be with me that way. Scott made you feel bad, but you’re going to feel better about that tomorrow. And I don’t want you to regret being with me after you start feeling better about Scott. I couldn’t live with that. I’d rather wait until you’re sure.”
For a moment she looked like she was going to argue. But then the tension blew out of her like air from a popped balloon. She collapsed forward onto his chest.
He hugged her tightly. “I’m sorry, Serena,” he murmured thickly. He’d been intensely aroused, and he was still, but the conflicted emotions were already starting to lessen his physical need.
“No. I’m sorry. You were making me feel better. And I want to feel better.”
“I know you do. You will. And I’ll still be here when you do.”
She shook against him for a minute, crying without any sound. “I do want to be with you, Keith,” she finally mumbled against his shirt.
“Then we’ll have tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. Or whenever you’re sure about it. Just not right now.”
“Okay.” After a long pause, she added, “Thank you.”
He kissed her hair. “You’re welcome.”
“Are you okay?” She pulled back so she could study him. “I can help take care of—”
“No. No, I’m fine. I really am.”
“You’re way too good to me.”
“No, I’m not. You shouldn’t think basic decency is too good for you. It’s what you deserve.”
Her face twisted again. “Well, thank you just the same. Do you need me to leave? I mean, since you’re turned on and we’re not—”
“I’m not that turned on.” At her arched eyebrows, he added with a chuckle, “Well, I was, but I’m okay now. And I can still help you feel better. Just not with sex.”
“Really?”
He nodded, feeling that rush of hope again at the awed look in her eyes. “Yes. Really. I can just hold you if you want.”
She scooted over and pressed herself against his side as he wrapped one arm around her. “That sounds really good to me.”
six
FOR THE NEXT WEEK, Serena woke up with good jitters in her belly every morning.
It had been a long time since she’d felt that way—and it had never been so deep or lasted so long without being tempered by reality.
She went into school to teach every day with a secret smile, and she came home looking forward to seeing Keith in the evening. He’d sometimes come to dinner and sometimes just hang out with her and Eva before bedtime. He’d stay after Eva went to sleep, and they’d stay up talking or watching TV. He’d put his arm around her or hold her hand. He’d kiss her good night. He wouldn’t make any moves to go further even though Serena was tempted a lot more than she would have expected. It felt sweet and safe and easy, and she was scared of breaking their luck by pushing things forward into sex.
Right now things were too good. Too simple. She couldn’t imagine they’d last long without some sort of stress or angst or conflict, and she was terrified about what would happen then.
On Wednesday, she and Keith drove out to Azalea because Ri Kensington had invited them and some of their other friends to dinner. Taylor was there and Amanda and her fiancé, Robert. Ri’s brother, Charles, came as well. He was a good-looking man with a perpetually sober expression and a serious approach to life. He’d been working on a novel for the past year, and Serena enjoyed hearing about it.
She had a good time at the dinner, and she felt like she had a naughty secret, sitting next to Keith and knowing that she’d gotten sexy with him less than a week ago.
They ate at a casual, local diner in the small town. The food wasn’t fancy, but it was good. They were finishing dessert and Amanda was entertaining them all with tales of her spoiled, rather silly mother’s interference with the wedding plans when two men stopped by the table to say hello.
Serena smiled through the small talk that followed. Both men looked to be in their late thirties or forties. One was the county’s sheriff, and the other was rumpled and laid-back and introduced only as Fitz.
They didn’t stay at the table long, and as they were leaving, Taylor murmured, “That is one good-looking sheriff.”
Serena chuckled with the others at the dry comment, but her eyes flew over to the man who’d just left.
Amanda said, “The other guy isn’t bad-looking either, in a kind of rumpled, ungroomed way.”
“Hey,” Robert objected, his eyebrows arching dramatically in feigned resentment.
Serena laughed again, but she scanned the retreating men. They were both attractive. She could see that now. But she hadn’t even noticed when she’d first seen them.
They hadn’t made any sort of impression.
She glanced over at Keith and her heart softened undeniably.
He was the only man who had any sort of impact on her.
What the hell? When had that happened?
“They’re both married,” Ri said, her big blue eyes smiling in that irresistible way they always did. “Very happily married. Sorry, Taylor.”
Taylor made a face. “Oh well. There go my plans to seduce and destroy.” Serena loved her friend’s wry, deadpan humor. Taylor took a sip of her water and said without even looking over at him, “I see you making your disapproving face, Charles.”
Charles blinked, which was a dramatic reaction for him. But he said in his deep, unexpressive tone, “I wasn’t making a face.”
Taylor turned to him at last. “You were thinking a face. I could feel it from my side of the table.”
“If you say so.”
Taylor’s eye
s narrowed, and the two of them stared at each other for a moment in a silent challenge.
Serena was amused and fascinated by this bit of byplay, and she waited to see what would happen next.
Taylor was the one to break the gaze first. “If you want to give off a better impression of a human being, you might consider cracking a smile every now and then.”
Charles clearly wasn’t offended. Everyone who knew Taylor understood what she was like. But his eyebrows pulled together in a little frown, like he was taking her comment seriously. “I smile.”
“Not much. You should try it more or else you’ll be at risk of people confusing you with the head of an FBI profiler unit, haunted by all your years of catching serial killers.”
The table broke out into laughter at that, and even Charles’s lips turned up just slightly.
Taylor clearly believed she’d scored a victory, and Serena rather thought she had as well.
ON FRIDAY, SERENA TOOK Eva over to her mother’s, where her daughter was staying for the weekend so Serena could focus on bridesmaid’s duties for Amanda’s wedding. Then she had to run home to shower and change and get ready for the rehearsal, which started at six with the dinner following.
Because the afternoon and evening was so busy and Keith wasn’t part of the bridal party, she didn’t get to see him at all.
She missed him.
A lot.
It was frankly ridiculous.
She’d spent yesterday evening with him. He’d stayed late at her place, so it was less than twenty-four hours ago that she’d seen him. But it felt like deprivation. She kept checking her phone and sending him little texts and waiting for his responses. He’d gone out to get a beer with some friends after work and then gone home for a restful evening.
Serena loved Amanda and the rest of her school friends, and she was happy to be part of this wedding weekend—which was as fun and easygoing as any wedding that involved Amanda’s mother was capable of being. But she’d still rather be at home with Keith.
The rehearsal dinner was at a really good local Italian restaurant, and it was still going at eleven in the evening. Serena only had one glass of champagne since she had a low tolerance and didn’t want to get tipsy, but she enjoyed the salad, steak, pasta, and tiramisu. She had a good time with Taylor, who offered hilarious, grumpy commentary about everything and everyone. And was delighted to see Amanda and Robert so obviously happy.
But Serena was glad when one of the other bridesmaids said she had to be getting home since it gave her a clear path to leave too.
When she got back to her apartment building, she lingered in the hallway, torn between her door and Keith’s.
She really shouldn’t knock on his door. He’d had an early evening, so he could very well be in bed already. They’d see each other tomorrow at the wedding. There was absolutely no reason to pay a visit at this time of night just so she could see his face.
She wasn’t silly like that.
She’d never been that kind of person.
She wasn’t sure what was getting into her lately.
She knocked on his door.
He opened it in about thirty seconds, the most adorable grin on his face. “You’re finally back,” he said, stepping out of the doorway to let her in.
“Yes. People were having fun, so it ran long.” She ran her eyes up and down his body from his bare feet to his rumpled hair. He wore a pair of cotton pajama pants and an old gray T-shirt. “Were you in bed?”
“Nope. Waiting up for you.”
“You didn’t have to do that.” She could feel her cheeks flushing with pleasure. “What if I’d thought you were asleep and didn’t stop by?”
“I would have heard when you got home and knocked on your door instead.” He was still smiling in that way that made her heart overflow with feeling. He reached out and pulled her into a soft hug. “You look gorgeous, by the way.”
She wore a simple, sleek navy-blue dress and silver silk cardigan. It was the outfit she always wore to dress-up dinners like this one since it suited almost any context. She looked down at herself and gave a little shrug. “I might look all right, but I feel hot and tired and like I smell garlicky.”
He gave the air an exaggerated sniff. “You smell pretty good to me. How’s Eva doing?”
“She’s fine. I called her before bedtime, and she was having a good time with my mom.” She couldn’t help but swoon a little inside over the way he always checked on Eva. “I wish I could stay up with you for a while tonight, but I’ve got a long day tomorrow and it’s going to start pretty early. Being a bridesmaid takes some real work.”
“That’s okay. I mostly just wanted to see you. The day didn’t seem right without seeing you for at least a minute.”
“You’ve gotten kind of sappy. You know that, right?” She flashed him a teasing smile.
“I’ve always been sappy. You just didn’t want to see it.” He pulled her into another hug, and this one lasted a long time.
She pressed her face against his shirt, breathing him in, feeling the strong squeeze of his arms, the hard line of his body against hers. He smelled like soap, so he must have taken a shower this evening. She wanted to burrow into him and never come out.
But she liked the feel of his body so much that if the hug lasted too long, she’d want to turn it into something else. And that was too big, too frightening, to deal with when she had a big wedding the following day.
So she reluctantly pulled away, giving him a sheepish smile as she did. “Good night, Keith.”
He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against her lips. “Good night, Serena. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Serena returned to her apartment and went to bed, tired and pleased and giggling a little.
SCOTT WAS AT THE WEDDING with Amber.
Serena had known he was attending. Amanda had asked her specifically if it was all right that he was invited. Amanda’s family had known Scott’s forever, and she felt obliged to invite him unless it would really bother Serena.
Serena appreciated being asked, but she was fine with it. That was what she’d said, and that was what she’d meant. She saw him fairly regularly, after all, when he picked up and dropped off Eva on his weekends and then occasionally around town. It wasn’t a big deal. They’d been divorced for two years now. They were both adults, and she could handle seeing her ex without trauma or conflict.
But for some reason it bothered her more than it should have today.
She’d enjoyed the morning—getting her hair and makeup done with Amanda and the other bridesmaids—and she’d had a good time at the light luncheon and in the dressing room getting ready for the three-o’clock wedding. But Scott’s presence in the pew of the church during the ceremony—not far from where Keith sat alone in his gray suit—felt like a failure. Serena’s failure.
Even though she knew the response wasn’t rational or fair to herself, she couldn’t help but feel it.
She could have had Keith a long time ago, and he was everything any woman should have wanted.
Instead, she’d chosen Scott and had a lot of years of heartache and betrayal—some of which she was still dealing with—because of it.
What the hell had she even been thinking back then?
No matter how much she kept reminding herself of what she knew was true—she’d been young, she’d done the best she could, and she had Eva because of the choices she’d made—the thought still needled at her, keeping her from really enjoying the ceremony.
She kept a smile on her face—because that was what she was supposed to do—but she was relieved when the minister pronounced Amanda and Robert husband and wife.
She could feel Keith’s eyes on her, and she was worried that he’d see what she was feeling.
Worried that it might hurt him.
She gave herself a firm lecture during the photos with the bridal party that immediately followed the ceremony and was feeling better—more herself—when they drove over to the reception
venue.
Keith would be there, waiting for her. She could have a good time with him. She could dance and laugh with him and her friends. She didn’t have to look at or think about Scott. He didn’t matter that much to her anymore.
It was entirely predictable—in a bitterly ironic way—that the first people she ran into as she entered the reception were Scott and Amber.
Scott was tall, broad-shouldered, and handsome in a smarmy, superficial style. She could see the fakeness of him now, when she hadn’t been able to see it as an eighteen-year-old. He grinned at her with big, white, perfect teeth as he came over to greet her like they were old friends.
Serena managed to smile and say hello to both of them.
“You look nice, Serena!” Amber gushed. “That dress is so slimming on your figure!”
Serena knew a double-edged compliment when she heard one. She was supposed to feel self-conscious now about the size of her hips. She was used to that sort of thing, and it didn’t bother her—particularly from Amber. So she returned the overly effusive smile with one of her own. “Thank you so much. You look pretty too.”
“We’ve got news,” Scott said. Before Serena could even imagine what it might be, he reached down and picked up Amber’s hand to show her a big, flashy, diamond ring. “We’re getting married.”
Amber squealed loudly and did a little happy dance. She was only twenty-three, and she looked particularly young at the moment.
“Oh, I’m so happy for you,” she said as sincerely as she could. “I hope you’ll both be really happy.”
She didn’t care that Amber was marrying Scott. They deserved each other, and they seemed to fit in a way that Serena and Scott never had. What bothered her most was that she had once been in Amber’s shoes—stupidly thrilled about Scott’s choosing her.
Serena hated that she’d been so foolish, and she hated this visceral reminder of it.
“It’s going to happen for you too one day,” Amber said, restraining her giddiness to ostensible sympathy. “Just be patient.”
“I don’t need to be patient,” Serena said with a smile. “I’ve never been happier than I am right now. And I hope the both of you find the same kind of happiness.”