Nodding, I grinned and repeated his words, "No shit."
He was so excited, you could have sworn I just told him I found the cure to cancer or AIDS.
"What does she look like?" Was the question that started the twenty-minute inquisition about anything and everything related to Mia. Not that I minded. Actually, telling someone other than Simon and Bridget felt amazing.
"So it's serious then?" Christian asked.
My answer was immediate and to be honest, it freaked me out just a little. "For me, yes." I frowned at that. Because, shit, how serious could I be after a few days?
"Why do you look so worried?" he demanded. "It's a good thing, right?"
Shaking my head, I scrubbed my palm over my face. "I don't know, man. I'm concerned that I might be falling too hard, too fast, you know?"
"No such thing." His words held so much conviction, I had to wonder how he could be so sure. "There aren't a set number rules we should abide by when falling in love, Sebastian. It happens when it's supposed to happen. For some people it takes years. For others, it happens within days, sometimes even minutes."
Resting my elbows on the table and balancing my chin on my folded fingers I asked, "When in the hell did you become an expert on love?"
Christian flashed me his teeth before he looked at something over his shoulder. When his gaze returned to mine, that somber look was back. I hated it.
"That's a story for another time. Right now, I gotta go."
"It was good to hear your voice," I told him. "Think about what I said, okay?"
His nod was stiff. "I will."
Before I could tell my brother I loved him and would always be there for him, our connection was cut. With a sigh, I fell back in my chair and looked up at the ceiling. Christian was right about one thing: there were no rules when it came to matters of the heart. I just wished there were guidelines or a handbook to guide you when you told your girlfriend you've been withholding important information from her. Information that would have an impact on her career.
Yeah, if someone could give me advice on that, I'd be great.
Chapter 23
MIA
I didn't think this day could get any better.
There was a smile on my face that showed no sign of letting up as I walked into Memorial later that afternoon. The interview I'd been so worried about had gone even better than I could have dreamed. I'd been nervous as hell at first, but after a few minutes with Victoria Shaw, who looked as elegant as she sounded over the phone, my nervousness had vanished.
"Relax, Mia," she had cooed. "I'm not supposed to tell you this yet, but this interview is just a formality. The job is yours if you want it."
I'd blankly stared at her for a few seconds too long before finally finding my voice. "I'm sorry, I don't understand."
Touching the gray knot at the base of her skull, she'd smiled sweetly at me. "I can't lie, we have done some extensive background research on you, and have found that you are exactly the type of doctor we want here. You don't just care about getting results but about the actual patients, too."
"Patients are so much more than the diseases ailing their bodies," I'd blurted out.
"Yes! Yes, Mia, they are."
Victoria Shaw had smiled at me in a way that made me feel good. She'd reached into a drawer and after pulling out an envelope, she'd slid it across the shiny desk toward me. "I realize that Newlife is a lot smaller than Memorial, more intimate if you will," she'd said with a wink. "Although we cannot offer you what they can, we can give you something better. An opportunity to build a diagnostics wing your way."
After she'd advised me that I had two weeks to think about their more-than-generous-offer, we'd said our goodbyes and I'd headed straight for Memorial with one person and one person alone at the forefront of my mind.
Sebastian.
I couldn't wait to tell him how it went. To get his input on all of it. I honestly just couldn't wait to see him. He'd become so important to me in a ridiculously short period of time. As much as it scared me, it made me feel a whole lot of something else too. Something I couldn't quite put a name to yet.
But I was getting there.
I picked up my pace and headed toward the staff elevator, my insides just about ready to burst. I had only experienced the excitement currently bubbling through my veins a few times before.
The day my dad had bought me my first bicycle—pink frame with a white basket between the handlebars—the exact one I'd wanted.
Holding my acceptance letter to Brown.
Getting the job at Memorial.
The first time Sebastian had kissed me.
And today.
By the time I stepped into the elevator and poked the number four button, I was buzzing. I couldn't even keep my damn feet still as I tapped them against the floor like an over-excited Mumble.
Bouncing on the spot as the elevator started its climb, I willed it to move faster than it ever had before. When the doors dinged on the fourth floor without stopping at any of the others first, I sent a silent thanks into the universe.
"There you are!" Bridget exclaimed the instant the shiny doors slid shut behind me. She was leaning against Gillian's desk; pestering her for her carrot cake recipe no doubt. Ever since Gillian had brought in a slice of heaven the previous week, we had all nagged her to give up the family recipe.
It was that good.
"Here I am," I chirped as I made my way to where they were standing. "Did she give it up yet?" I shoulder-bumped Bridget when I reached her and narrowed my eyes in Gillian's direction.
The older woman laughed, the sound coming from somewhere deep inside her. It sounded so genuine, I couldn't help but grin. Or perhaps my stupid good mood had something to do with my lips stretching wide.
"Over my dead body," Gillian declared on the tail end of her laugh.
"Ah, come on Gillian," I pleaded. "If you're not going to make it, you can at least provide us with the recipe so we can make it ourselves." Flashing my teeth and batting my eyelashes, I gave her my best I'm-sweet-as-freaking-sugar look.
She didn't even blink. "Oh no, missy, that doesn't work on me."
Next to me, Bridget snorted and then mumbled, "I bet I know who it does work on."
"Bridget!" I hissed.
The woman standing behind the desk made a sound; something between a snort and laugh. The kind of sound that said 'yeah, so do I'. Slowly, so damn slowly, my gaze flicked to Gillian. The look on her face gave me pause.
"You know?" Yup, my voice sounded about as horrified as I felt.
Gillian waved a hand through the air like her knowing my business wasn't anything new. "Sweetie, I knew it was coming long before you did." She reached over the desk and touched my arm. "There is something I think you should—"
Before she could finish saying whatever it was she wanted to say, an alarm shrieked to life. It was so shrill and so harsh, I wanted to cover my ears.
Until my gaze landed on Gillian's flashing monitor.
Big bold red numbers blinked in quick succession. A warning. A cry for help. It took me all of three seconds to recognize the room number. Too heavy, my heart sank to the floor right as my stomach turned over on itself.
"Shit!" Was all that came out of my mouth before I started running, shoving people aside without even saying sorry. There was no time to be apologetic. Not when Mrs. DuBois was crashing.
I stormed into the room just in time to see Dr. Sandeep let go of Mrs. DuBois's wrist. Staring at Dr. Lawrence—Mary—he shook his head.
Even though my ears took in the long beep coming from the monitor beside Mrs. DuBois's bed, my brain, or rather my heart, refused to accept that this was it. I'd seen her just that morning. I had stopped by and promised to tell her all about my interview when I got back, but she was more excited about sharing the new list of baby names she'd come up with.
Oh, it hurt. My chest felt too small, my heart too big. I curled my fingers into the front of my shirt, willing the damn pain to g
o away. But it didn't. Wouldn't. I tried to suck in a breath, even that was painful.
But not nearly as painful as hearing Dr. Sandeep's emotionless announcement, "Time of—"
"NO!" I cried, my gaze never leaving Mrs. DuBois's lifeless body. They couldn't just call it, they hadn't even tried to bring her back.
Outraged, I surged forward and immediately hopped on to the bed. Straddling the woman I had come to care for so much, I placed one hand on top of the other and laced my fingers together before pressing the heel of my bottom palm against the center of her chest. Keeping my arms straight and my shoulders directly over my hands, I started pushing hard and fast.
"Dr. Phillips!" This coming from Dr. Sandeep. "You can't do that!"
Ignoring him, I shouted to no one in particular, "We need a damn crash cart in here. NOW."
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Dr. Sandeep coming closer. "You have to stop!" When he was close enough, he reached out to touch my arm.
I smacked him away before carrying on with the chest compressions. "Don't touch me!"
Twenty-two… Twenty-three… Twenty-four… No, no, no. Please, don't die. You can't go, we have babies to name. Please, I don't want to lose you. Thirty-three… Thirty-four…
Helpless to stop it, two thick streams rolled down my cheeks, wet and hot. My throat was on fire from the sob I was so desperately trying to keep from escaping. All around me people were yelling my name, but I couldn't stop.
Not now.
Not yet.
Where is that damn crash cart?
I was about to demand just that when I was yanked off Mrs. DuBois's body with a force so strong it knocked the breath right out of me. A second later, Sebastian's face filled my vision. His hands clamped down on my upper arms and he squeezed. Hard.
"Mia!" Those dark eyes of his flicked between mine; begging, pleading. "She has a DNR." He paused, waiting for the moment his words registered. Do not resuscitate. When I sucked in a sharp breath, he angled his head toward Dr. Sandeep and growled, "Call it."
"Time of death, two-seventeen."
Chapter 24
SEBASTIAN
"No."
The one word fell from Mia's lips so soft, so broken, it felt like a knife plunging into my heart. Twisting and turning, making sure the wound it left behind wouldn't be healed any time soon. The salt that was so brutally rubbed in came from Dr. Sandeep following my order and calling T.O.D.
Mia's glassy green eyes flicked from me to Dr. Sandeep before colliding with mine once more.
"How could you?"
I understood better than anyone when you lost someone—be it a loved one, a friend, or a patient—the hurt inside of you translated to blame. Almost as if the only way our brains could fully process what was happening was by blaming something or someone.
Right now, for Mia, that was me. I knew exactly from where it stemmed, but shit, if my heart didn't squeeze a little too tight at the way she was looking at me. Like she couldn't stand me. Didn't know who I was.
I let go of her arms to cup her cheeks. However, before I could cradle her beautiful face between my palms, she smacked my hands away.
"Don't touch me."
Yeah, that stung. Not even just a little but a whole damn lot. The only thing that hurt more was when she shook her head before pushing past me and storming off.
There were things—protocols—that needed doing, but all I could think of was how I needed to comfort Mia as much as I needed her to comfort me. Because, shit, Cheryl had finally lost the damn fight. The ache in my chest became too much. I had to rub my palm over the spot again and again.
Cheryl had left us.
My lungs collapsed in one fell swoop, a big gaping hole mocking me from the spot where my heart was supposed to be. I'd failed the one person I'd so desperately wanted—needed—to save.
I dropped my hands to my hips and tried to suck in a few breaths. My throat burned with the emotion working its way to the surface. Squeezing my eyes shut, I willed it down. I could break down in private. Could scream and yell at the universe for being so damn unfair behind the closed door of my office.
I took one breath, then two before Mia's devastated face flashed before me. That hole in my chest grew a few more inches. If I was feeling like this, how much worse did she have it? How bad was it for my Mia who didn't meet a single person who wasn't a friend? How big was the hole in her chest?
"Shit," I muttered under my breath. I couldn't let her leave like this. Opening my eyes, I zeroed in on Dr. Sandeep. "You know what to do?"
In answer, he gave me a tight nod that betrayed the fact he, too was affected by this tragic loss. "Go." His throat worked down a swallow that I could tell was thick and heavy. "I can handle things here."
I thanked him by giving him a quick nod before rushing out of the room. In the back of my mind, I knew there was no coming back from this. People would know—they probably already did—that Dr. Mia Phillips meant something to me. A very big something.
A flash of red caught my eye, and I immediately changed directions and headed toward the elevator. My feet moved faster with each step I took until I broke out into a full run, sidestepping a few patients and nurses.
I reached her just as the doors slid open. She lifted her leg to take a step inside and my hand immediately shot out. Fingers curled around her delicate wrist, I tugged Mia closer. Moving fast, I spun her around so she was facing me. One step forward took me close enough to wrap my arms around her shoulders and hold her against my chest.
Mia squirmed and with a hoarse, broken voice she demanded I let her go.
Lowering my head, I vowed, "I'm never letting you go."
With her small fists she pounded at me as best she could, and when she tried to break free of my hold once more, my arms around her tightened.
And then it happened.
Her entire body went still for two, maybe three seconds before she broke. Shoulders shaking furiously with each soul-shattering sob that left her lungs. Every desperate breath she tried to pull in had the hole in my chest increasing in size. I held her tighter, wishing like hell the tears staining my shirt would seep into my pores and give me the ability to soak up the hurt she was feeling.
I'd take it all.
"Why?" she begged, her voice so small I had to screw my eyes shut to keep the moisture in them from spilling over my lids. "Why, why, why?" And, damn, if that one-word question hadn't been floating around in my own head.
Even though I was holding her in an almost death grip, I felt her wobble in my arms. Her legs were going to give out. Before that could happen, I bent my knees and shoved an arm under her legs.
Pressing her to me, I promised, "I've got you."
I let out a breath I had no idea I'd been holding when Mia's arms went around my neck and her head dropped to my shoulder. She whispered something against my skin that I couldn't make out through her whimpering.
"I've got you," I said again as I started walking toward my office. I realized people were looking at us. No, not looking, they were staring like idiots who had never seen a man carry a woman before. And for the life of me, I didn't give two shits.
Keeping my sole focus on the woman clutching to me for dear life, I didn't stop moving until we were safely tucked behind the closed door of my office. Even then, I kept right on walking until I could lower myself, and Mia, onto the plush cushioning of the leather couch.
I ran my palm up and down her spine in what I hoped was a soothing motion, patiently waiting for her broken sobs to subside. I had no idea how long we sat there, both of us desperately trying to make sense of Cheryl's death.
To be honest, even the knowledge that this damn day was creeping up on us didn't do shit to lessen the blow. Not only did it feel as if I failed as a doctor, but as a friend, too. And to add to that, I couldn't shake the feeling that I let Mia down as well.
I knew that she had seen the lab results, but I should've sat with her. Prepared her for the inevitable because I knew, I damn
well knew, when you were as close to a patient as Mia had been to Cheryl you stopped looking at charts and lab results through the eyes of a doctor.
A puff of air hit the skin on my neck with Mia's heavy exhale, the first one that didn't come out shaky. Pulling my head back slightly, I brushed my fingertips over her tear-stained cheeks. Red blotches marred her creamy skin, I had to fight the urge to lean forward and touch my lips to every one of them.
Her thick, long lashes slowly moved up and down as she blinked at me for a few beats. My gaze roamed over her face, taking in her features. Features that I knew like the back of my hand. At that very moment, right there in my office amidst all the heartbreak and hurt realization slammed into my chest with the speed and force of a freaking semi-truck.
I didn't care if it'd been ten hours, ten days, or ten months. This woman, this strong beautiful and also a tiny bit broken woman was becoming such a big part of my life. A day without her was a day I didn't want to experience.
Too soon? Yeah, it sure as shit was way too soon to feel anything even remotely close to what I was feeling. And yet…
"I'm sorry," Mia whispered. Her eyes bounced between each one of mine, her tongue slowly gliding over her lips. "I wasn't very professional… the DNR…" Those green depths became glassy again. "Everything happened so fast… I… uhm… forgot—"
"Hey," I swiped at the tears gliding over her freckled skin. "I get it." Trailing down, I dragged my thumb over her wobbling lip. "No apologies, okay?"
"She's really gone, Sebastian?"
Emotion burned inside my throat again. There was so much of it, I knew there was no way I was going to be able to keep it out of my voice.
"Yeah, baby, she is." The words came out tight and hoarse.
Those eyes of hers stayed trained on me as she slowly brought her hands up to take my face between her palms. The action was so gentle, so tender, it knocked the breath out of me. The clamp I had carefully placed on my emotions finally released and I was unable to stop the sadness from spilling over my lids.
It hurt, it hurt so freaking much.
Mia's fingers tentatively swiped over the wetness on my skin before her hand slid down to rest on the left side of my chest. Wordlessly, she pressed her forehead against mine and pushed the fingers of her other hand into my hair.
Egotistical Jerk: A Hero Club Novel Page 13