“Ollie!” A full-blown smile spread across my face as she launched at me. I caught her just in time and lifted her, her legs wrapping around me, her little hands cupping my face.
“Missed you,” Ollie got out, and her two words just wrapped around my emotions. She couldn’t hide her feelings like adults could. What she felt was what we heard.
“I’m sorry.” I honestly meant it, and my heart tightened.
“Sick people better?” Her words were strangled with exhaustion.
I tucked her blonde hair behind her ear. “Trey is going to care for them for a bit, so I get to stay home with you!” My words lit her tired eyes up. “Now, should you be in bed?” My eyes flashed to Mum, who was standing on the other side of Creed. It was hard to avoid looking at him while he stood in between my parents.
I held Ollie up, who crossed her arms with a stubborn expression.
“I wanna be with you and Kob.” She was just listing our names cause we were in standing range.
I leaned my forehead against hers. “Then that’s where you shall be.” I smiled at her. She smiled with relief and dropped her head on my shoulder. Dad went to take her from me, and I moved away from him. He wasn’t the only one who loved to hold Ollie while she slept.
Kobra went to get the camper chairs. It wasn’t uncommon for us to sit by a bonfire in camper chairs when she was even younger.
“Kobra,” Dad shouted at my brother as he spun around mid-walk. “Get one of the armchairs from the lounge! Don’t want them on a fucking fold-out chair for the night.”
Kobra just nodded his head and redirected his steps towards the clubhouse.
“Dad, we would have been fine on a fold-out.” I knew there was no point fighting it. When Dad made up his mind, that was it.
Ollie was nearly asleep on my shoulder, and I was rocking her while saying bye to Trey. He was really doing me a favour taking over my hours for the next few days to give me a break. Kobra was back with an armchair, which he lifted like it weighed nothing.
The music was still loud, but I knew when I was little, it was comforting to go to sleep listening to it. It reminded me Dad was close, and I was safe because you’d always hear his tone when he spoke, no matter how loud the music was.
Sitting in the armchair, Ollie curled into me, asleep. Kobra also grabbed a blanket, not that she needed it in this weather and with the heat from the nearby bonfire. It was more for comfort.
My gaze was on the burning bonfire as I ran my fingers through Ollie's hair. I tuned everything out, my exhaustion catching up with me, and took a sip of my beer. I didn’t know how long I was tuned out, but Kobra offering me a relief broke my trance.
“First check-in to the Mother Chapter as president, and you did well, brother.” I heard Dad talking to Creed, and my heart pulsated nerves through my blood.
“Got through it,” Creed replied. Hearing his voice pulled me back to a time that I didn’t want to be in because, while the good times were amazing, the pain from his leaving was unimaginable.
I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn’t look at him. Ollie was in a deep sleep, and I wanted nothing more than to get a solid night’s sleep in my own bed, and not in a hospital bunk bed.
But it was the song playing that sparked my need to leave. Bon Jovi’s “Born to be My Baby.” It was my kryptonite.
“I’m calling it a night,” I said and got up while holding Ollie, though my arm was dead. “I’ll put Ollie to bed,” I added when Mum went to get up. “Night, guys.” I didn’t even brush Creed as I held Ollie and walked past him. No, I made sure not to touch him.
Walking through the lot, I swear I heard Kobra or Dad say which one of them was going, which made no sense.
Finally getting free of the lot, I was walking up the dirt path when I felt someone behind me.
My gaze hadn’t lifted from her since she sat in that armchair, not just any armchair but Hades’ chair. Kobra had picked the biggest one in the lounge. Holly was in a trance, her eyes locked on the burning wood while running her fingers through her sister’s hair.
She was different but not, at the same time. I could look at her, and she had no idea, that was how focused she was on the fire, and I would have loved to know what was playing on her thoughts. Part of me was begging her to look up so I could see those sea-blue eyes. Another aspect of me was thankful she was so out of it because it was allowing me to stare at her.
She was the price for the patch on my chest, right under my heart. President.
“First check-in to the Mother Chapter as president, and you did well, brother,” Hades said, breaking my stare on Holly. Clearly, my gaze on Holly hadn’t gone unnoticed by him. His eyes were on me, and he was silently telling me to get a fucking grip. Be a man. Not act like some teenager who was seeing a girl naked for the first time.
I nodded my head. “Got through it,” I said, and it was the truth. Just like now, I was getting through this moment. But I couldn’t stop my eyes going back to Holly.
I was throwing back a mouthful of my beer when I heard it. Bon Jovi’s “Born to be My Baby.” Memories flooded me, and my eyes went to Holly. Did she even remember that night? I doubted her family did, with the amount of liquor they’d had and drugs they’d smoked.
“I’m calling it a night,” Holly said as she rose from her chair while holding Ollie. “I’ll put Ollie to bed,” she added, seeing Zara start to get up. “Night, guys,” Holly said openly before walking right around me. Couldn’t help but think she didn’t want to touch me, but I could see that her grip on Ollie was weak. Her arm must have been dead.
“Should I go?” Kobra said, pushing a club girl off his lap.
“She’ll struggle to carry Ollie the full way,” Hades said. Then he threw back the rest of his beer. “I’ll take Ollie off her hands. Holly looks fucking tired.”
I didn’t know where I got the courage from, but I threw back the beer and tossed it in the nearby bin. “I’ll go. I want to talk to her.”
Hades’ gaze hardened on me. He opened his mouth, but Zara placed a hand on his arm, saying something to him as I turned and headed in the direction Holly had gone. I heard him say it wasn’t a fucking good idea. But I ignored him like I ignored common sense.
I didn’t have to walk fast to catch her. She had just opened the gate to the dirt path. The music was softer, and she must have felt me near because she froze.
“It’s just me, Holly,” I said to her as she slowly turned with Ollie cuddled into her. Her eyes locked with mine. It was the first time in two years that I really got a good look at the enchanting eyes that had cast a spell over me.
She opened her mouth, but I was already taking Ollie off her. “Your arm is dead, so don’t be stubborn,” I said before she allowed me to take Ollie fully.
My gaze connected with hers again, and I couldn’t look away from her. Our song was still playing in the background softly, but my full attention was on her.
Her eyes dropped to my chest, seeing the president patch. A mixture of things she might have been thinking started to flood my head. Was she proud? Was she mad? Then her gaze travelled back to mine. I didn’t see the pain in them like I did when I left.
“The patch looks good on you,” she said and then ran her hands down her arm, the midnight air chilling. I just nodded my head, not knowing what to say as we began to walk towards the house.
Her arm brushed mine, and it sent sparks through my blood.
I was torn between saying sorry and admitting I was a coward for not reaching out to her. But instead of saying either, I remained quiet.
The last time I saw her ran through my head. Seeing her standing there crying and the pain that was tearing through her body then was all my doing. She cried like she was losing a part of her soul. I hadn’t realised how much damage I did until I gave in and called Kobra two weeks later.
Hades had stepped away from the club. The last time that happened, Holly was extremely sick. Kobra told me Holly was fine, but rumours I was hearin
g out of the Mother Chapter said she hadn’t been seen and Hades had stepped out of the club picture too.
I kept calling Kobra. Finally, he snapped. Saying I broke his little sister, and he had never seen her in so many fucking pieces. He told me if I knew what was good for me, I’d never go near her again. Fucking concerned didn’t even cover it. I was so fucking worried about her that I called Hades, hoping to fucking God I hadn’t sent her back into a spiral of depression.
Hades answered. I still remember the shock in his voice.
I told him I was coming back. Told him that she meant everything to me. More than the patch. More than anything. I was on my bike, ready to head back. To say I was a fucking wreck myself was putting it mildly.
Hades told me that Holly had let me in, and I had destroyed her trust. He said she’d get through this, but I’d had my shot, and I’d picked the patch. He also warned me that he couldn’t have a man playing with Holly when she was so fragile, to begin with.
It broke me to hear that I had done damage that I couldn’t undo. Then, when I thought he was going to hang up on me, he said words that still gave me hope to this day. He said that sometimes paths separate before they can come back together.
So I stayed away, knowing I would just make it worse if I came back. This visit had been planned for six months, and Hades had grilled me to stay away from Holly the whole time. He nearly ripped my throat out on the second day I was in town because Holly had gone on a work bender the same time I arrived in town. He thought I had reached out to her, but I hadn’t.
The days blurred together. I went through the steps required, but I honestly thought I wouldn’t see Holly at all, till tonight. Now here I was with her on my own, and I couldn’t form fucking words.
“Beautiful night, isn’t it?” Holly said, her eyes on the sky as we walked slowly towards the house. We were just about to walk through the gate to their property.
“Yeah.” But my eyes were locked on her as I was flooded with memories of us. She glanced at me as if she could feel my eyes on her.
“Thanks for carrying Ollie.” She put her arms out for her, and for some reason, I wanted to hold the child longer.
“I can help put her to bed.” I was clinging to the chance to find the courage to have a real conversation with her.
Holly stood there, looking at me like she knew my intentions.
“You should get back to the party. They’ll be missing the visiting president.” She didn’t say the words out of meanness, but hearing the word visiting annoyed me.
“I’m in town for a few more days. Do you have time to talk?” I asked, holding onto the child as if she were my gambling chip. Holly’s beautiful solid blues were staring into mine, and that was when I saw it, just slightly a crack of pain, and seeing that put me in pain.
God, please don’t let her block me out. I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing her smile at me or not being able to make her laugh. The sound of her laugh always made me smile. Now, knowing I might never see or hear the two things that gave me life ever again—fucking haunted me. I always clung to the thought that she’d come back to me, but now, as I saw her, that belief was as deluded as the thought of some god helping me to get her back.
“I’ve only got a few days off.” She spoke the words slowly. “I want to spend my time off with my family.” That was when I heard it, the emptiness towards me. While I still wanted her, she had closed me off for good.
I couldn’t force her to spend time with me. I couldn’t force her to have a conversation with me. I slowly nodded my head. I got it. But it fucking hurt. I handed Ollie back to Holly.
She gave me a small smile. “Look after yourself, Creed.” She turned and headed for the house.
It felt like the president patch on my chest was burning through the leather, through the tank top I had on. And as I felt it, while seeing her walk from me, the patch wasn’t fucking worth it.
I turned to head back to the party and made it to the fucking alley before the suffocating pain of never having Holly again gripped me. Never seeing her smile at me. Never holding her. Never fucking being able to kiss her again.
The patch wasn’t fucking worth it. Sure, maybe in Hades’ eyes I was more of a man, but in Holly’s eyes, I wasn’t the man she wanted. I did what every woman feared when they loved a biker—I rode out, leaving her. I gripped the gate on the fence line, about to walk back onto the club lot. She had fucking loved me. That ran through my head. Holly Kincaid had loved me. And now…now she was never going to let herself feel a thing for me. Because I didn’t just hurt her, I broke her, and the little bit of me that was proud of my accomplishments in the brotherhood and not under my father’s street gangs evaporated because I had lost the love of a woman, a love that I’d never get back.
Lounging on the couch with Ollie had been my plan until Ollie insisted on seeing Dad.
After she threw a tantrum, I gave in and went to the clubhouse. The little blonde minx ran right into Dad’s arms as soon as I opened the clubhouse door.
Now she was sitting on his lap as he played poker, and I was at the bar. Dad didn’t complain even though Ollie kept telling Kobra Dad’s cards. Kobra loved every second of it.
It was too early to drink, and I wasn’t interested in playing poker. My eyes were on the vodka and whiskey bottles, questioning, was it too early to drink?
“Deep in thought?”
I jumped since I hadn’t heard anyone approach me. My gaze ran over Creed. Part of me was surprised he was still in town. The other part of me wondered how he was doing. It was those intense, smouldering grey eyes that were locked on me that caused me to shift uncomfortably on the bar stool.
Creed Winston always could do crazy things to me. He made me feel emotions that I knew no other male could ever do. I would never fall fearlessly in love with another man as I had with him. Nor would a man ever be able to send my heart into shattering glass pieces—as he had. In some ways, Creed Winston had ruined all men for me because I was scared to love and scared of the loss that was sure to follow that loving feeling.
I forced a smile. “Just trying to weigh up if it is too early to drink.” I was honest with him and my thoughts. I watched as he allowed his gaze to travel over me, and when he looked me in the eyes again—I swear it was like he was looking at me with this longing lost look, which made completely no sense because he left me. And those three words, he left me, played over and over in my head, which resulted in my expression hardening on him.
He nodded his head but didn’t say anything. What was there to say? Sure, I wanted to know how he had been, but the fact was that when I thought we were heading into a future together, he chose the patch. When it came down to it, I was angry with myself. Mad that I thought Creed was different. But mainly furious with myself for thinking I would ever be enough for a man like him.
“So, I heard you got a job at the local hospital?” Creed questioned and didn’t just turn to leave like I was hoping. But my stomach didn’t painfully twist until he pulled the stool out beside me.
Fuck me. Great. We were going to have a conversation. Just be nice, Holly.
“Yeah, I did, in the emergency department,” I answered.
Why was he doing this! He knew I didn’t want to speak with him! Sure, I had put up a shield last night that I was “okay” with him. But I wasn’t. Not really. Not deep down. And right now, having a conversation with him wasn’t what I wanted.
He picked up a beer coaster and started flipping it around the edge, clearly nervous as shown by his fidgeting.
I sighed. Okay. I had to do it.
“How’s the president patch?” I asked, and I was legit surprised that the bitterness I felt inside did not leak into my tone. Even the small fake smile on my face would have made everyone think I was fine, including Creed.
His eyes went to mine.
“It is what it is,” he said and didn’t give any detail whatsoever on how he found being a president.
“Well, as long
as you’re happy.” This time, the bitterness did creep into my tone, which frustrated me. I ran my fingers through my hair, all while trying to think of an excuse to leave.
“I missed you, Holly.” His words caused me to look back at him.
I just stared at him for a moment. The replies I could have said ran through my head. Instead of voicing one of them, I decided I should just get up and leave.
“So, are you going to keep giving me those killer cat eyes, or you going to just let me have it?” Creed said while staring at the beer coaster before looking me in the eyes. “Come on, darling, you and I both know you are smouldering with rage under that forced smile.”
The smile dropped from my face, and my eyes just locked on him. I couldn’t stop the glare—which caused him to crack a smirk.
“I’m not complaining, though. That little smile of yours is cute.” His eyes came back to mine. “But I don’t like seeing it forced.”
Don’t do it, Holly. Do not do it.
Creed had this way of getting in my head—really getting in my head. Like right now, his eyes were locked on mine, and my mind was running wild. Completely wild with rage. I thought I had moved on from what had happened, but staring at him right now made me question all that.
I stared at him a few more moments before I got up off the bar stool.
“Have a safe ride home, Creed.” And I didn’t glance back at him as I walked away. Ollie would be fine; she was with Dad and Kobra.
I, however, was not safe while breathing the same air as that man.
Walking out into the lot and heading for the back path, I was just about to walk past the garage when a firm grip grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side.
“Let go of me!”
Creed opened the garage door and pulled me in, closing it behind us. Then he stood firmly in front of my exit out.
Creed's Honor: Satan Bastards MC Book 1 Page 7