by Amy McKinley
I sucked in a ragged breath and blinked my way back from the past. There wasn’t much that was good back then except my brothers, who were the only positives in a sea of hell. My stomach churned while waiting for the fallout, including Stella realizing I wasn’t worth it.
I stood and went to one of the spare rooms. I needed space.
A hand gripped my shoulder, and I snapped my head up only to meet Jack’s stare head-on. An unwavering mask of determination was stamped over his features. I knew that look well. “No one thinks any different of you, man. Stop beating yourself up.” He squeezed my shoulder again before dropping his hand to his side.
“Maybe. It doesn’t change the fact that I walked away. That says something right there.”
“Mike and I know what your parents were like, and wasting an ounce of remorse or guilt to their memory makes no sense. Let it go. Walking away was the only thing you could have done after all those years of abuse.”
Fuck. I got it. I did. But Stella… To her, family was everything. There was no way she would understand, yet a part of me had dared to entertain that something would come of us.
“The fact that you’re in here and not up on the roof says something.”
He was right. A small glimmer of hope remained, against my better judgment. The guys were used to me hanging out on the roof—they’d given me the nickname Hawk back in high school as a result. I’d always felt safer there, being able to see who was coming and going. And most people didn’t look up. I scrubbed a hand over my face. “I’m not worried about the guys. I thought I was, but definitely not after seeing their reactions. None of us had it easy.”
“No. We didn’t, but we had each other then, and we always will.”
“I should have told everyone a long time ago.”
“Fear is a vicious bitch. Don’t give it power. We know who you are, and no one’s opinion of you has changed.”
“Thanks, man.”
Jack studied me for a moment longer. “We’ve got work to do. Shake off whatever this is.”
I nodded, feeling like a jackass. He and Mike had known the details of my last night at home since it happened, and they’d still taken me in. I kept going back to Stella and that hand on my thigh. I’d stood and walked away before she could pull her hand off me. I shoved away from the wall I’d been leaning against then went into the kitchen to get some coffee. I had a feeling it was going to be a long night.
As I stepped into the kitchen, Stella collided with me. With a hand on her elbow, I steadied her then moved around her to the coffee machine. I avoided making eye contact. I couldn’t deal with her judgment or rejection.
“Hawk.”
I didn’t want to have the conversation. I dropped a pod into the machine, put my mug in position, and waited for it to heat up. “We’re talking strategy soon, Red. Do you want any coffee?”
Her small hand gripped my forearm, and she tugged on it insistently.
“No. I want to talk to you.”
Crossing my arms, I leaned back against the counter and waited for her to tell me what was on her mind.
“I know there’s more to your childhood than the fire. I’ve shared a lot about my life, and I’m trusting you with, well, everything. My brother, the letters my grandmother left me, the possibility of finding heirlooms. I’m hoping you’ll do the same and let me in.”
Anger burned through me. No, it isn’t the same. She had a loving family, even if her brother is fucked up. We weren’t the same, and I didn’t understand how she could ever relate. I spoke through clenched teeth. “It’s not that simple. There’s nothing pretty about my past. You come from a very different world. My sharing anything about that time won’t bridge the gap to common ground for us.”
Her eyes shone with a fine mist of tears. “I refuse to accept that. The man I’ve gotten to know is strong both inside and out. You have integrity and a deep sense of loyalty to the ones you’ve let in. Your past doesn’t matter to me, but your future does.” She stepped closer, placing a hand on my chest. “Please let me in.”
She had no idea what she was asking. Our being physical was one thing. But her heart was pure, and I didn’t want to risk harming her. I came from a shit life and had been told on a daily basis I wouldn’t amount to anything. She would come to see all my shortcomings, or I would screw up somehow, and she wouldn’t want me anymore. But most of all, I didn’t want to hurt her.
It had to end even as my hands ached to brush across her soft skin, to pull her close and feel her lean on me. It would have been selfish. So I did what I had to do and said what needed to be said as I moved aside, coffee in hand. “There is no us, Stella.”
Stella
Darkness blanketed my room. The late hour taunted me, and sleep was elusive. The guys had stayed until close to midnight and had worked out a tentative plan. While I was terrified for Max and wanted to get him as soon as we could, I trusted the guys—well, I had faith in them to look out for me. They knew what they were doing. I wasn’t entirely sure regarding Max.
Instead of obsessing over my brother’s safety, I fixated on what had happened in that kitchen. Hawk saturated my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d said to me, and as the hours passed, I got angrier.
The guys had gone back to their cabin, whichever one they were in. I didn’t care, not in that moment. I couldn’t believe what he’d said. We hadn’t said one word to each other after he declared that there was no us, and eventually, I went to bed mad.
The sheets were holding me hostage in a straitjacket of a mess. I squirmed and kicked free only to flop onto my stomach. With every second that ticked past, my temper notched higher.
Screw this. I flung the covers off and tiptoed to his room, wearing a tank top and small pajama shorts. After what he’d shared, I wouldn’t let him shut me out. His touch said one thing and his words another. I wanted them to be in alignment.
Stepping quietly, I pushed open his door. It was pitch dark in there. Waking him could be tricky. He was trained to take down targets. The last thing I needed was a broken nose or a black eye.
I neared his bed and could hear his slow, even breaths. He was asleep. I wanted to rub my hands together. Maybe it would be the best way to slip past the walls he insisted on hiding behind. A half-asleep man would have his barriers down and might admit things, such as the fact that he wanted me.
My fingers curled around the sheets, and I pulled them back. Hawk lunged, a dark form towering over me. I blinked. My back hit the mattress. A large hand wrapped around my throat.
I squeaked. Adrenaline flooded my body in fear. My hands slammed flat on his chest. I pushed—he didn’t budge. His fingers loosened. Holy hell. “It’s me! I heard a noise.” Maybe I should’ve let him know when I was by the door. It would have been a much safer distance.
My heart thudded against my ribs, feeling as though it could break a few of them. My anger fled. Coward.
“Goddamn, Red. I could have hurt you.” His hands fell away only to return to rub the spot he’d grabbed. “Are you okay?”
I swallowed. “Yeah. I think you scared a few years off my life, though.”
He leaned over. Why? Is he turning on the lamp? I gripped his incredibly sexy arm. So much muscle. I skimmed over the dips and ropes of his forearm to explore his bicep, which felt like skin stretched over steel. He froze. The light stayed off.
I bit back a moan. My heart let go of fear’s percussion and took up the tempo of desire .
The bed dipped again, and he dropped onto the mattress next to me. I tucked myself closer. I can pretend to be frightened. It wouldn’t have been a total lie—he scared the hell out of me with how fast he’d reacted. And seriously, he was so freaking hot.
“What noise did you hear?”
Huh? My body was betraying me, confusing me. “Oh.” Shoot. “It was probably nothing. The pipes, I think. It startled me. I feel safer with you than in a room by myself.” That was true.
He sighed then pulled me close.
With my cheek resting on his bare chest, I molded against his side. Yep, no shirt—score for me!
I splayed my hand over his heart and grinned at the elevated beat. I affected him too. Good. “We need to talk about what you said to me.”
Seconds ticked by. I waited. He cleared his throat. “What did I say to you?”
Oh, we’re playing that game? Ignorance? Did the color of my hair not register to him? It was a clear reflection of my legendary temper and stubbornness. He must have needed a reminder. I wasn’t going to play along with him. “You know what I’m talking about,” I snapped. “Your comment about how ‘there is no us.’”
More silence. I wanted to roll my eyes. Fine. I could talk. He would listen.
“We shared something pretty incredible in this bed not too long ago. Every time we touch, it’s like a thousand sparks of energy. So what you said about there being no us is a load of crap. Stop shutting me out. You like me. I don’t understand why you won’t let me in.”
“I don’t deny we have a physical connection.”
He better not go there.
“That’s all there can be, Red,” his deep voice rumbled.
Yep, he’s going there. I pressed my lips together before I told him to go to hell.
“After what you heard I did to my mom and her husband, you should be running as far away from me as you can.”
Oh. Some of my anger dissipated. “Why? Because you saved yourself and got out of a hellish situation when you were a kid? I said it before, and I’ll repeat it as many times as you need me to—that was your past.” I laid my hand on his chest. “You’re a good person, Hawk. You rescued me and are trying to do the same for my brother too.”
His body was like stone beneath my hand. My heart broke for him. I couldn’t relate to what was going on in his head, but I could try to help him overcome his fears. We deserved a chance.
“I’m sorry I hurt you.” He paused again. “But relationships aren’t my thing. I don’t want to do something that causes you pain.”
“That’s crazy. Look at what you have with the guys?”
“That’s different.”
“No, Hawk, it’s not. It’s a bond you have with them. They accept and love you for who you are, flaws and all. And you do the same with them.”
“I just… I’ve never been involved with a woman, aside from casually.”
He had some extensive damage inside if he thought he couldn’t have a relationship with a woman. I hated everyone who’d contributed to his shredded self-esteem. “What you did and endured in the past is not the man you are today. You rose above a horrible time in your life, and you’ve got a pretty incredible future. You did that.”
“Stella,” he grumbled.
“No, Hawk. I want to see where this thing between us goes.”
He didn’t answer me verbally, but I was more than all right with the toe-curling kiss and everything that came after. Maybe we’ll be okay. I would find out in the morning if he still held me at arm’s length.
Chapter 19
Hawk
We’d been up most of the night, and a plan was in place. Red would stay at the cabin with Hayden and Keegan. Hayden would keep her distracted and entertained. He was like that—he made everyone around him happy. Keegan was a mean son of a bitch, which made me feel better about the possibility of someone finding out where she was and trying to come within visual distance of her. Keegan would gut them before they even knew he was there.
We were all trained to be ghosts, but Keegan had even been that way when we were kids. None of us knew what had happened to him—it had to be bad, even worse than my story. We were damn lucky he was with us. Whatever it was, he projected a predatory deadliness derived from his hellish past. Someone had taught him well. From his reaction to my story the night before, I knew his mentors had to have been even bigger monsters than the ones who’d molded me.
I waited as long as I could with Stella snuggled beside me, her head on my chest. She’d slipped into my bed last night, saying she felt safest by my side, and I wasn’t going to complain. I’d tried to resist but couldn’t after she reamed my ass for being self-centered. I was glad she did it and grateful for what happened after. Later, she’d curled against me again and fallen asleep. She was soft and smelled so good—vanilla and cinnamon warmed my nose. I held her while she slept through the night, and I dared to hope.
The night passed way too quickly. I untangled myself from her, got up, and tucked the covers around her. I grabbed a quick shower, got dressed, and went to the kitchen to make coffee and bacon and eggs. The front door opened, and Keegan came in and sat at the table.
“You eat?”
He glared, and I couldn’t help but grin. That would be a no. I dumped the food on a plate for him. I mixed up more eggs, enough for Hayden and Red. When everything was ready, I dug in just as Hayden came in and fell into the chair next to me. I needed sleep.
Stella rounded the corner and smiled. “Good morning.”
Hayden grinned while Keegan and I grunted our responses around mouthfuls of food.
“Well, it’s nice to see at least one of you is a morning person.” She winked at Hayden and took the plate he handed to her. “So, today is the day?”
“Sure is.” Hayden passed Stella the bacon. “What do you want to do? We could play cards, video games, watch movies. Maybe boating?”
“No,” Keegan and I both snapped. “Stay inside and out of sight,” I added.
“Whatever, Dad.” Hayden thought he was funny. Stella did too, if her laughter was any indication. “Eat up. The rest of the guys are ready to move out in five minutes.”
I shoveled the remaining bites into my mouth, rinsed the dishes, and headed for the front door.
“Wait!” Stella rushed after me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed against my back. “Please be careful,” she said in a voice thick with emotion.
I squeezed her hands before disentangling myself, brushed a kiss across her lips, then went out the door. What am I doing? Any thought about a future with Red was foolish. She was into me because I was helping her. After the stuff with her brother was settled… I was worried I would end up breaking her heart.
“Look who’s finally awake.” I slapped my palm against Mike’s shoulder.
Mike shoved my hand away. “Screw you. I’ve been up for hours. We ready to do this?”
“Hell yeah,” Chris, Jack, and I answered.
Mike got behind the wheel of our black Range Rover, and the rest of us settled in. Chris pulled out his laptop and got to work tracking several of the guys not too far beneath Stan Jones on the food chain, aka Porch Guy and the northern California regional lead, before settling on Billy Williams, one of Tridel’s lackeys. Chris’s hacking skills were terrifying, and each time I watched him, I was thankful he was on our side.
Several hours passed after he located one of the guys at a bar in the Tenderloin. We parked a few cars away from the entrance then sat in the Range Rover and staked out the place, waiting for him to leave. Chris’s laptop was stowed away. With his head still resting against the back of the seat, he turned toward me. “You know we can’t do this blind any longer. Rich needs to be brought in.”
He had a point. Tridel was big, and there were probably feds who had a stake in their takedown. Our CIA contact, Rich Stevens, would want to know what we were doing.
“We could have Billy arrested afterward. I’m sure he’s packing and possibly even has drugs on him.” That was weak. I knew it, but I felt like I had to give Red and her brother as much of a chance as I could. While I didn’t think it would be an issue to keep Max out of what we were about to do, there was a possibility he was in deeper with this group than any of us knew, and that could pose a problem. Red would be heartbroken if her brother landed in jail.
“Billy will be bailed out in a matter of hours and will spill to his boss, David Malone, the head of Tridel Corporation. You know we can’t take that risk,” Jack interjected.
“I do, but why wasn’t this discussed last night when we strategized for this?” I hated doing that to Red.
“Because of Stella. We like her too, and causing her pain isn’t the objective here,” Mike said. “Jack called in a favor with Rich. After we’re done questioning Billy, Rich will have the guy picked up and tied up in red tape for a few days. It should be enough to give us a small advantage.”
“Thanks, man.” That would work. After a while, we would have the situation under wraps. That was the goal, anyway, unless something new popped up and messed with everything. Unfortunately, it usually did.
“There he is.” I squinted out my window, trying to catch sight of the guy.
Billy left the bar, laughing with two other guys. When he went his separate way, I slipped from the car. I’d offered to take point.
The day had passed in a blur, and dusk was settling. Street lamps flickered on, casting a soft glow over the pavement and parked cars. The Tenderloin was a run-down part of town, and there wasn’t a lot of foot traffic. The people that were out would turn a blind eye—that was the type of area we were in.
Billy turned the corner, heading for his car. I fell in step with him, shoved my hands in my pockets, and kept my head low, making my posture as unthreatening as possible. He looked over his shoulder and dismissed me.
When he took his key fob from his pocket, I chopped my hand hard onto his wrist. His keys fell. He turned, his mouth open on a growl. My fist kissed his jawline. His eyes rolled back. He was out cold. As he crumpled, I moved forward and grabbed him.
Hefting him over my shoulder, I stepped into the street as Mike pulled up. Chris opened the door. Tossing the guy onto the floor of the SUV, I climbed in, and we sped off.
“Nice hit.” Jack grinned back at me.