There was no better therapy in the world than riding a wave. Nothing eased your troubles like paddling out over approaching swells. Nothing soothed the soul like dropping in on a bomb wave and getting barreled. The liberating speed, the cleansing spray of water, the taste of salt, the pump of adrenaline numbing every ache and pain.
Marcus had forgotten that about surfing. After Danny died, he hadn’t wanted to even look at a surfboard, because they’d had plans to hit the waves that horrible fucking morning, and Danny never got the chance. But after that November night eight months ago, when he passed out drunk in the snow and would’ve frozen to death had Gabe not found him, he realized he needed surfing. He needed the meditation of it, the purifying wash of the water and salt, or else he was going to lose his sanity.
He’d left the HORNET compound in Wyoming that night and hadn’t been back since. Gabe had left several increasingly worried messages asking when he planned to return, and he’d deleted every one of them without answering. He wasn’t ready to go back. Maybe he’d never be ready.
The longer he stayed away, the more he realized that part of his life was over.
He didn’t blame HORNET like Leah did. He knew they’d done everything in their power to keep Danny alive. But it hadn’t been enough. Even if Danny had been shot in the operating room of the world’s best trauma center, it wouldn’t have been enough. The bullet had destroyed his heart, torn it to irreparable shreds. He’d seen it for himself when HORNET’s top-of-the-line medic had opened Danny up in a last-ditch effort to save him.
Marcus still woke up sometimes with the feel of blood on his hands. The rattle of Danny’s last breath in his ears.
No, he didn’t blame HORNET. He blamed himself, and the guilt of it was like a cancer chewing away at him from the inside out. If he returned to the field with HORNET and didn’t have his head screwed on tight, someone else he cared about would die. So he left, but his hometown of L.A. and his current place in San Diego carried too many painful memories. As kids, he and Danny had dreamed of living in Indonesia and surfing every day, so that’s what he did. He got a tourism visa, rented a cabin, and disappeared. Even his mom didn’t know exactly where he’d gone.
So when he carved across the face of a tasty six-foot wave and caught sight of Leah Giancarelli waiting on the beach, a hand raised to shield her eyes from the setting sun and the wind whipping her blond hair across her pretty face, he was so shocked he lost his balance. He took a header into the water and wrenched his shoulder as the wave rag-dolled him over the reef.
And there went all of his zen. It vanished like he hadn’t spent the last eight months religiously devoted to self-care.
He dragged himself onto the beach, cursing and coughing up seawater.
Leah ran over to meet him. “Oh my God. Are you okay? You’re bleeding!” She touched his arm near the nasty gash slashing across his upper shoulder, but he shrugged her off. He couldn’t let her touch him so tenderly. It stirred up things in him better left undisturbed.
“I’m fine.”
She tucked her hands into the back pockets of her jean capris. “What happened? I’ve never seen you wipeout like that.”
He lifted a shoulder, which made the wound scream with outrage. “Got into a fight with the reef. The reef won. It happens. How did you find me?”
She rocked back and forth on her bare feet. Just like when they were teenagers running wild on the SoCal beaches, she still wore a ring on her second toe, and her nails were painted a blue just as deep as the ocean. Just as sparkling as her eyes.
She always had liked blue.
And staring at her dainty toes was fucking weird.
He made himself refocus on her face, but she wasn’t looking at him anymore. She stared out over the water, watching the waves break with an expression somewhere between regret and longing.
“This was Danny’s dream,” she said softly. “Since you guys were kids, you talked about having a place here.” She drew a breath and finally returned her gaze to him. “When your mom told me you were in Indonesia, I figured you came here to ride Nihiwatu.”
“Too expensive. The resort owns the wave and charges five hundred bucks a night.”
“So I discovered. Your mom’s credit card is crying right now.”
“Oh, Jesus. Mom gave you her card?” He groaned and mentally started adding up the cost of this completely unnecessary trip. He’d transfer the money to his mom’s account next time he made a supply run to Bali.
“I can see you doing mental gymnastics trying to figure out how much she spent.”
“She shouldn’t have spent anything.”
“She wants you back.”
He loved his mother, but that woman was an Olympic Gold meddler. “I don’t want to come back. You still didn’t answer how you found me.”
“Before I left Bali, I Googled some of the surf camps on Sumba and…” She waved a hand at the beach. “Here you are.”
Damn. Of course Leah would know where he’d exiled himself. Why hadn’t he considered that?
Or…had he?
Part of him had known exactly what he was doing when he relocated. If he truly hadn’t wanted to be found, he could’ve gone anywhere in the world and disappeared. But, here, he’d known she’d eventually come looking for him. She’d eventually come to drag him back to reality.
But he wasn’t ready to face reality. Not yet.
“Leah, why are you here?”
She waited a beat too long before answering. “Because everyone’s worried about you.”
“That’s not why you left your children and flew across the world.”
“No,” she admitted. “It’s not. I need your help.”
“You could’ve called.”
“Would you have answered?” When he didn’t respond, she continued. “No, you wouldn’t have. You haven’t answered any of Regina’s calls. When was the last time you spoke to your mother?”
“She left a voicemail yesterday.” And she could’ve given him a heads-up that he’d soon have company. Leah must have already been on her way here when his mom left that message.
“Uh-huh, a voicemail. Did you call her back?”
He said nothing in response. He didn’t need to. They both knew the answer.
Jesus, why was she here, prodding him to go back to a place and a life he wasn’t sure he wanted anymore? His temper sparked at the thought. “I’ll pay for whatever repair you need or school fee or—fuck, whatever you need help with. If you’ll just…leave me alone. That’s all I ask.”
“What, you’re going to throw money at us?”
“It’s all I have to give.” He turned away and scooped up his board from the sand.
She huffed out a breath in disbelief. “Typical Marcus. The going gets tough, so you get going.”
What could he say to that? She was spot-on. It had always been his reaction to heavy emotional stress, and it had worked for him for thirty-four years. Why change it up now?
“I can’t believe you,” she said with disgust. “You won’t even deny it.”
“There’s nothing to deny. You have me nailed down, Leah. I’m a coward. What else do you want me to say? I’m sorry? I’m not. I’m a drunk with enough baggage to fill a 747 and the sense of humor of a fifteen-year-old. I’m a fucking mess. You and your kids are better off without me around.”
“No.” She stormed after him and caught his arm. “Marcus Deangelo, you don’t get to do this again. You don’t get to walk away, to disappear and start over again. You broke Danny’s heart the last time you vanished on us.”
She aims, she scores.
Direct hit, straight through the heart. He flinched at the pain of it but jerked his arm free and kept walking.
Nearly six years ago, he’d made a bad call during a hostage negotiation that ended a young girl’s life. After that clusterfuck, h
e hadn’t been able to live with the guilt. He’d left the FBI and disappeared—came here, to his little slice of surf heaven. His mother hadn’t known where he was for a solid six months, and he’d told her then only because she’d threatened to set the world on fire looking for him. Regina Deangelo didn’t make empty threats.
But Danny, his best friend and partner, hadn’t known where he was for two long years until sheer boredom eventually drove him to return to the States and join HORNET. And wasn’t it just his luck that HORNET’s first mission intersected with one of Danny’s cases? After that, Danny hadn’t given him a choice and dragged him back into the family fold.
But Leah wasn’t like Danny. She was fire and temper and wasn’t going to let him slink away to lick his wounds this time. In that moment, he hated her for it.
She dogged his heels. “You told me that Danny, with his dying breath, made you promise to take care of me and the kids.”
“By staying away, I am. You ever need anything all you have to do is call, but you don’t want me hanging around fucking things up for you.”
“Is that what you think Danny meant?”
“No, but it’s the best I can do.” He shoved his board into the sand by his front porch and spun to face her. “Because I know he sure as hell didn’t mean I should fuck you, and that was exactly where things were headed when I left.”
She flinched and took a step backward. Her arms folded tightly around her middle, pushing her breasts up under her flowing tank top. And he hated himself for noticing. What kind of man looked at his best friend’s widow like that?
After a moment, she released a long, slow breath. “That night, we were both drunk and crazy with grief. I was drowning and needed someone to hold on to. You were there. Convenient. We came to our senses before…”
“Doesn’t matter. We went too far, and I refuse to dishonor Danny like that. I won’t hurt him like that.”
Tears filled her eyes and spilled over. “Oh, Marcus. You can’t do anything to hurt him,” she said softly. “He’s dead.”
“You think I fucking forgot?” He held up his hands like they were still covered in blood. Sometimes, he swore he still saw it there. “I held him while he bled out on a beach very much like this one. Fuck.” His hands had started shaking. Wishing like hell he had a drink, he dropped them to his sides and stomped up the steps to his bungalow.
The advertisement had called the bungalow “charmingly rustic,” but that was putting it nicely. It was a shipping container the local eco resort had recycled into living space and plunked down on an empty stretch of beach. He hadn’t cared. It had a bed, a refrigerator, a hotplate, and a bathroom. He hadn’t needed anything more than that.
He crossed to the fridge. He hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol since November but needed some now before his last fragile nerve shredded and he went postal. Unfortunately, everything in the fridge looked more like a petri dish than food.
Leah hovered in the doorway. “I miss him, too, Marcus. It’s like a part of my soul has been ripped out of me, but I’ve accepted that he’s gone. I had to, for my sanity, because the tighter I held on to his memory, the more it hurt. It’s time you let go, too. He wouldn’t want you to isolate yourself like this.” She waved a hand at the space he’d called home for the better part of a year. “He’d hate that you’ve shut yourself away from your family, all your friends, everyone who cares about you.”
Marcus let the fridge fall shut and leaned his forehead against the cool steel. He couldn’t speak. Partly because of the lump of granite in his throat, but mostly because of the shame burning up the back of his neck. She was right. Danny had always disapproved of his isolationist tactic of dealing with shit. He had said as much three years ago, after Marcus joined HORNET and they reconnected.
“You’re an asshole, you know that?”
He heard Danny’s voice so clearly, he had to open his eyes and make sure the guy wasn’t actually standing next to him.
Nope, not Danny.
Leah.
He hadn’t heard her move, but now was very aware of her body so close to his in the small space of his bungalow. She trailed her fingers lightly over his shoulder, careful of his still-bleeding wound. Her touch sent a taboo thrill through him, bringing goose bumps to his skin.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
He shouldn’t react to her like this.
“Will you let me take a look at that shoulder?” she asked.
He was helpless against her pleading blue eyes. He’d known he would be, which was why he’d run away from her as fast as he could. The more time they had spent together in those months after Danny’s death, the more he’d wanted her. It disgusted him. He’d never, ever seen Leah as anything other than a friend. From the time they were in high school, she’d always been Danny’s girl, but now…
Yeah, Dan. I know I’m an asshole. I’m sorry.
And, still, he allowed her to take his hand and lead him over to his bed—the only place in the bungalow to sit. She left him long enough to search his bathroom for the first aid kit he’d brought with him. It had gotten a lot of use over the months and was running low on supplies, but there was still a bit of gauze left on the roll, two antiseptic wipes, and an unopened tube of antibiotic ointment.
She tore open a wipe and sat down next to him. The sweet tang of raspberries washed over him. Not perfume, he knew. She didn’t wear it, but she’d used the same raspberry body wash and lotion combination for years.
She was too close.
He reached to take the wipe from her. “I can handle this.”
She waved him off. “You sound like the twins, especially Cooper. He thinks he’s a big, tough boy and doesn’t need his mother anymore.”
“You’re not my mother.” His life would be so much easier if he thought of her that way. Or a sister. But, no. Of the three billion women in the world he could want to take for a lover, she was the only one who appealed to him.
She eyed the piles of dirty clothes and empty takeout containers littering his space. “No, I’m not, but it looks like you need someone to take care of you.”
He clenched his teeth against the sting of the antiseptic wipe. “I’m fine.”
“So you keep saying.” She studied his wound, then slathered it with antibiotic ointment and taped a square of gauze over it. “It’s a bit ragged, but I don’t think it needs stitches.”
“Thanks, nurse Leah.”
She gave a short laugh. “Not a nurse. A mother of two very rambunctious boys who have seen more than their fair share of stitches in their short lives.”
Suddenly, he was very aware that he wore only swim trunks and the two of them were sitting on his bed. He leaped up and found a shirt among his pile of clothes.
Distance. He needed distance.
“Uh…how are the kids?”
She froze, but only for a heartbeat. She covered her moment of surprise masterfully, but he was a trained observer. Jesus. Did she really think he was such a heartless jerk that he didn’t care about the kids?
Those three little humans meant the world to him.
“The boys are…” She seemed to search for the right word. “Resilient. They’re coping better than the rest of us. Sometimes I worry they don’t remember him. They were only six when…” She didn’t finish. No need. “I mean, do you remember anything from when you were six?”
“I remember driving across the country with Mom. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was escaping the long reach of her family.” Despite the pain and grief that had been his constant companions, the memory brought a smile to his lips. “We stopped at one of those stupid roadside attractions in some middle-of-nowhere place because I had seen a giant dinosaur from the road. She put me up on the back of that dinosaur and climbed up there with me. I think she still has the picture someone took of us.”
A small smile played across Lea
h’s lips. “She does. I’ve seen it.”
He nodded, not the least bit surprised. His mother kept everything. “While we were up there, she told me my name wasn’t Marco Bellisario anymore. From then on, I was Marcus Deangelo, and we wouldn’t see my uncles or grandfather ever again.”
Leah started repacking the first aid kit, all casual, like he hadn’t just admitted his connection to the infamous Bellisario crime family. Of course she wouldn’t flinch at hearing his birth name. She was one of the few people in the world who knew it. But even though most of his family members were now in prison, it still wasn’t something he liked to broadcast. People always looked at him differently when they found out he was related to the infamous Bellisario crime family.
But not Leah. She’d never judged him for the sins of his family.
“How did you react?” Leah asked. “When your mom told you everything was changing so drastically, did it bother you?”
He lifted his unwounded shoulder, let it drop. “I don’t know. I was so young I only remember the dinosaur and Mom telling me my new name.”
“Your grandfather was like a father figure to you, wasn’t he?”
If you could call it that. “Yeah, I suppose so.”
“Did you miss him?”
“No.”
Leah leaned forward and pressed her fists to her eyes. Only then did Marcus realize his mistake. He hadn’t seen the connection she was trying to draw until it was too late.
“Leah.” He crouched down in front of her and pulled her hands away from her eyes. “My relationship with my grandfather was very different than Danny’s with the twins. My grandfather was a bully. He terrorized us. I was relieved when Mom told me I never had to see him again. But Danny? He loved the twins and they loved him. They will remember him. Bits and pieces, but it will be all the good stuff.”
“You’re right.” After a moment, she sniffled and straightened her shoulders. “And I should be happy they’re handling it so well because…Maya is struggling. She’s angry, acting out. She always used to be such a happy girl. I don’t know what to do to help her.”
“Hey. Listen to me. You’ll figure it out. You always do.”
Honor Avenged (HORNET) Page 6