Thought for prayer: Praise God that praising him creates joy (Psalm 84:1–2). Praise God that we, made in his image, get joy through praising. Ask him to give us a spirit of praise rather than one of crankiness and faultfinding.
July 17
C. S. Lewis wrote: “The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends. Where the truthful answer to the question ‘Do you see the same truth?’ would be ‘I don’t care about the truth—I only want [you to be my] friend,’ no friendship can arise. Friendship must be about something. . . . Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers.” (Hardcover, pp. 113–14; paperback, p. 123)
FRIENDSHIP WORTH A FIGHT. It is well known that over the years you have to work to keep the romance in a marriage. But it can be just as much of a fight to keep the friendship in it. As careers get more demanding and children become higher maintenance, it is easy to become mere roommates or parental managing partners. You must find time not just for romantic evenings, but also for delighting in and discussing the same books, for giving each other counsel, for exploring the same landscapes, for affirming one another’s gifts, for prayer and worship together—for becoming better and better friends. Friendship is always worth the fight.
Reflection: Friendships must be about something besides the friendship. There are an infinite number of such things. In your marriage, what things can your friendship be about?
Thought for prayer: Pray about your devotions for July 15–23 on friendship. Ask him for deeper insight and for at least one very concrete, practical idea for how you as a couple can strengthen your friendship.
July 18
For believers in Christ, despite enormous differences in class, temperament, culture, race, sensibility, and personal history, there is an underlying commonality that is more powerful than them all. . . . Christians have all experienced the grace of God in the gospel of Jesus. We have all had our identity changed at the root, so now God’s calling and love are more foundational to who we are than any other thing. (Hardcover, p. 114; paperback, p. 124)
FRIENDS SHARE A PAST. The usual plot of “buddy movies” requires individuals who dislike each other to have a common experience of danger and loss that forges them into a cohesive, interdependent “band of brothers.” Christians share a deep common experience that is unique, a conviction they are sinners who can’t save themselves, and a recognition of an unmerited full salvation that saves by grace. That both humbles us—so we can’t look down on anyone else—but it also grounds us in a certainty about our worth that other identities cannot provide. When any Christian meets another Christian whose identity has been transformed by grace, they recognize the joy in one another. There is an instant bond and basis for a deep friendship.
Reflection: Recount with one another how you were led through the stages to see that you were trying to save yourself, how it was impossible, and that Christ’s salvation was unmerited and available.
Thought for prayer: After reminding each other of your respective “stories of grace,” pray for one another together, thanking God for his work in your spouse’s life.
July 19
And [all believers] also long for the same future, journey to the same horizon, what the Bible calls the “new creation.” . . . We will become our true selves, the persons we were created to be, freed from all flaws, imperfections, and weaknesses. [Paul] speaks of “the glory that will be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18, 20). . . . We “hope” and “wait eagerly” for this final and full redemption (Romans 8:23). (Hardcover, p. 114; paperback, p. 124)
FRIENDS SHARE A VISION. Paul speaks of a process of change into Christlike character (2 Corinthians 3:18) that begins now and comes to perfect completion in the future (Philippians 1:6). This means that even now there is a process going on in which we are each being spiritually formed into someone unique and beautiful, as the sinful accretions are being loosened and removed while the virtues of faith, hope, and love are growing and strengthening. Here is a second thing that Christian friendships are about. We get a vision for the “best self” that God is creating in our friend. Christian friends partner with Christ to help one another toward this great future. We do it through affirming, critiquing, exhorting, loving, weeping, and rejoicing with one another.
Reflection: Make a list of three great things you see Christ creating in your spouse.
Thought for prayer: Yesterday you prayed in each other’s presence, thanking God for his work of grace in your spouse’s life. Today pray again, this time asking him to continue it, and to make you a partner with God in it.
July 20
[A]ny two Christians, with nothing else but a common faith in Christ, can have a robust friendship. . . . Friendship is a deep oneness that develops as two people, speaking the truth in love to each other, journey together to the same horizon. (Hardcover, pp. 114–17; paperback, pp. 124–27)
FRIENDS AND FORMATIVE PRACTICES. For centuries believers were formed as Christians by a set of communal practices. These are tools that Christian spouses can use for intensifying their own friendships with each other. You can study the Bible and theology together (Acts 2:42). You can hold each other accountable for spiritual growth goals (Hebrews 3:13). You can help each other identify your particular gifts for ministry and then support each other in their use (Romans 12:4–8). You can open your home to others in the name of Christ, providing hospitality (Romans 12:13). You can think of ways to nurture your children’s faith together (Ephesians 6:1–4). All of these ordinary Christian practices, when done intentionally together as spouses, become the basis for a spiritually rich friendship.
Reflection: Which of the practices listed above do you currently do as a couple? Which ones could you add?
Thought for prayer: Going through the list in the devotional above, thank God for each particular means of grace and ask him for the wisdom and self-discipline to make better uses of them both in your marriage and in the church.
July 21
Proverbs 2:17 speaks of one’s spouse as your ‘allup . . . —“best friend.” In an age where women were often seen as the husband’s property . . . [this] was startling. . . . But [today] . . . it is just as radical. . . . In tribal societies, romance doesn’t matter as much as social status, and in individualistic Western societies, romance and great sex matter [the most]. The Bible, however, without ignoring responsibility to the community or the importance of romance, puts great emphasis on marriage as companionship. (Hardcover, p. 117; paperback, pp. 127–28)
FRIENDS TO THE END. In ancient times, the chief purpose of marriage was to secure social stability and status through the bearing of children. Romantic happiness was optional and friendship not even imagined. Today the main concern is for sexual and personal fulfillment. Children are optional and, again, friendship is not the focus. However, we should bear in mind that in Genesis, the text doesn’t say that Eve was brought to Adam because he needed sex or children, but because “it was not good that he be alone.” And if you live into an advanced age together, neither child-rearing nor sex will be the glue for your relationship. But friendship lasts until the end.
Reflection: The Bible puts emphasis on all these various aspects of marriage. List them. Are some of them dominating and others taking a backseat right now? What can you do about that?
Thought for prayer: Today, simply thank God for the unequalled, multidimensional richness of the institution of marriage, and ask him not to allow any of those wonderful aspects to atrophy in your relationship, especially not friendship.
July 22
This principle—that your spouse should be capable of becoming your best friend—is a game changer when you address the question of compatibility in a prospective spouse. If you think of marriage largely in terms of erotic love, then compatibility means sexual chemistry and appeal. If you think of marriage largely as a way to
move into the kind of social life and status you desire, then compatibility means . . . common tastes and aspirations for lifestyle. (Hardcover, pp. 119–20; paperback, p. 130)
FRIENDS: AN OVERVIEW. What, then, are the marks of a person who can be not just your spouse but also your best friend? Two pairings.86 First candor and counsel. They need to be willing to speak the truth, to say painful things that you need to hear, and to not merely rebuke but give wise advice for a way forward. Then, constancy and carefulness. The truthfulness must be embedded in unconditional love, in tactfulness and graciousness. A friend knows how to speak the truth in the way and at the moment when it can be best received. What are the marks that should be in you if you are to be a friend to your spouse? The same list.
Reflection: Look at these four marks of friendship with your spouse. Which ones are you each strongest at? Weakest at?
Thought for prayer: After concluding your self-examination in the Reflection above, ask God for help in the area you have identified as the weakest. Ask him for practical insight as to how to improve.
July 23
Physical attractiveness will wane, no matter how hard you work to delay its departure. And socio-economic status unfortunately can change almost overnight. . . . [And] sexual attraction and social class “relatability” does not give you any common vision. . . . But such goals do not create the deep oneness. . . . If you marry mainly a sexual partner, or mainly a financial partner, you are going nowhere together, really. And those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers. (Hardcover, p. 120; paperback, pp. 130–31)
FRIENDS IN MISSION. As we have seen, friendships must be about something, including shared goals. Many couples share good goals such as owning a home or attaining some level of financial sufficiency. A much more substantial and long-term goal is the rearing and nurturing of children. But we all know that such goals do not necessarily bind hearts together in love. Many people who are divorced and alienated can work together on financial and parenting matters without drawing closer. The greatest, deepest, most heart-bonding goals to share include a desire to see God’s kingdom grow in the world, in your community, and in your spouse, through Spirit-changed lives.
Reflection: What goals regarding God’s kingdom in the world and in your community can you set as a couple?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Psalm 48:1–2. Pray together that God’s kingdom—his saving grace and the resulting human community based on peace, justice, and love—would become “the joy of the whole earth.”
July 24
Paul [writes in Ephesians 5 that] the primary goal of marriage is not social status and stability . . . nor is it primarily romantic and emotional happiness. . . . [T]he goal . . . is “to sanctify her” (verse 26) to “present her to himself” in radiant beauty and splendor (verse 27a), to bring her to be perfectly “holy and blameless” (verse 27c) . . . to remove all spiritual stains, flaws, sins, and blemishes, to make us “holy,” “glorious,” and “blameless.” (Hardcover, p. 118; paperback, p. 128)
GROW IN GRACE. Yes, we are to love our spouse by seeking his or her good, and yes, your spouse should be seeking to love and please you. But there is nothing better your spouse can do for you—and nothing better you can do for him or her—than to grow in grace and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ (2 Peter 3:18). We should not, however, pit this goal of marriage against the others. There is no better way to enhance your romantic attractiveness to your spouse than to listen to his or her spiritual counsel and become more the person Christ is calling you to be.
Reflection: In gentleness and with all the graciousness you can muster, make a list of one another’s character “blemishes.” Now each of you choose one to work on. Get your spouse’s counsel as to how to go about it.
Thought for prayer: Read 2 Peter 3:18 aloud and pray it for one another, in each other’s presence.
July 25
Husband and wife are to be both lovers and friends to one another as Jesus is to us. Jesus has a vision of our future glory (Colossians 1:27; 1 John 3:2–3) and everything he does in our lives moves us toward that goal. Ephesians 5:28 directly links the purpose of every human marriage to the purpose of the Ultimate Marriage. . . . If any two unrelated Christians are to . . . hold each other accountable to grow out of their sins (Hebrews 3:13), how much more should a husband and wife do that? (Hardcover, p. 119; paperback, p. 130)
GROW THROUGH EXHORTATION. In our culture it is easier than ever to hide from people, including your spouse. And yet there is no one who can actually see into your life better than your spouse. He or she can notice small changes in demeanor and spirit that no one else can. Hebrews 3:13 tells believers to “exhort one another every day . . . that none of you be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”87 “Exhort” is a word that means to both sympathize and confront, to plead or implore. Our sins hide themselves from us (“deceitfulness”) and so we must ask someone else to point them out. Who? There is almost no one who can carry out this biblical command better than your spouse.
Reflection: How can you hold each other accountable for small yet stubborn character flaws without falling into nagging and complaining?
Thought for prayer: Ask God for the particular traits you need to “exhort” well—winsomeness yet directness, sympathy yet insistence.
July 26
[If you are a Christian] you have an old self and a new self (Ephesians 4:24). The old self is crippled with . . . many besetting sins and entrenched character flaws. The new self is . . . you liberated from all your sins and flaws. This new self is always a work in progress, and sometimes the clouds of the old self make it almost completely invisible. But sometimes the clouds really part and [there’s a] glimpse of where you are going. (Hardcover, p. 121; paperback, p. 132)
GROWTH AND THE TWO SELVES. When we believe in Christ, God gives us a whole new self (Ephesians 4:22–24). Through the gospel, that self is assured of God’s unconditional approval and we are enabled for the first time to love God and others for their sake, not ours. Nevertheless the old self—that tries to earn its self-worth and get control over God and others—is still there. It does good deeds, but in order to get approval and power from God and others. The complexity and glory of the Christian life lies in this, that both selves—with their frameworks of motivation and thinking—are available to us and can assert themselves on any given day. We grow as we die more and more to the old self and live more and more into the new one.
Reflection: Briefly flesh out with your spouse the outlines of the motivations and thinking of your old self and new self in Christ.
Thought for prayer: Ask God to make you aware of the choices that we have every day, in which we can either live as our old self or the new self. Then ask him to make you happy enough in Christ to put on the new self in the trenches of daily life.
July 27
[H]ere’s what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of the person God is creating, and to say, “I see who God is making you, and it excites me! . . . I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will . . . say, ‘I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!’” (Hardcover, p. 121; paperback, p. 132)
GROW IN ANTICIPATION. Understanding a Christian’s “two selves” is crucial for every stage of your relationship. When you first fall in love you are attracted by the other person’s strengths rather than flaws, and so what you fall in love with is mostly the future self that God is making. During your years together you learn to love the other person as Christ loves you. You love your spouse fully with all his or her sins, yet you do not love the sins. To acquiesce and accept someone’s sins is the least loving thing you could possibly do and it would be a betrayal of your spouse’s true self. And ultimately, you know you will see your spouse transformed into glory (2 Corinthians 3:18; 1 John 3:2). Live in the an
ticipatory joy of that moment.
Reflection: We know that it is unloving to harshly criticize and rebuke someone for their sin. Why is it just as unloving to keep silent about it? List the ways that cowardly silence is unloving.
Thought for prayer: Ask the Lord for the crucial but elusive spiritual skill of being able to attack a problem without attacking the person, of showing yourself against their sin but for them. Beg God to show you how to do that, particularly in your marriage.
July 28
My wife, Kathy, often says that most people, when they look for a spouse, are looking for a finished statue when they should be looking for a wonderful block of marble. Not so you can create the kind of person you want, but rather because you see what kind of person Jesus is making. (Hardcover, pp. 121–22; paperback, p. 133)
GROWTH AND GOD’S WILL. As we have seen, many today insist that their spouse “not try to change them.” However, Christ, our spiritual husband, worked to cleanse and beautify us, and now we should do the same in our marriages (Ephesians 5:28). But it is easy to think that we are just trying to help our spouse become “the person God is making them” when actually you are trying to make your spouse into someone who fits your personal tastes or who would bolster your self-esteem or who would please your parents more. Judge your spouse instead by God’s will as expressed in his Word, by biblical standards of character like the fruit of the Spirit (Galatian 5), or godly wisdom (Proverbs), or the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5–7).
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