“Girl, I think I fucked everything up this time. If you could understand what’s going on, you’d probably give me the cold shoulder too.”
I sat down on one of the stone replica benches. Cookie leapt into my lap and licked my face. Her stubby tail wagged this way and that trying to cheer me up.
“Go play but stay close by. If everything goes south, we might have to make a quick exit.”
She ran off in search of her shadow and I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I paused and took a deep breath before calling Carter.
“Are you in love with me or something?” He laughed answering the phone.
“I have big news.”
“Bigger news than your engagement to Cinder Aldred?” He spat at the phone.
“So, you’ve heard.” My heart dropped into my stomach. “Saw it in the newspaper tonight.”
“I wanted to tell you but…”
“I’ve known for all of an hour. I paused, because I was agitated and thought about going to get a fix. Then I thought about renting a boat and coming to kick your furry ass for defiling my son. Then I read the article about the dipshit his so-called father arranged for him to marry. They both went down for some hard shit. I’ve sat here and thought this in circles. I’ve eaten my weight in pizza.”
“Carter, I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want to trigger you. I didn’t want to put you in the middle of all of the bullshit going on. I didn’t get Cinder out of that fucked up house to shack up with him. My brother called because he sent a letter via a chocolate delivery to Brendan and he thought I was the crazy motherfucker for the job.”
“He was right about that. You are a crazy S.O.B..” Carter huffed. “Does he know you know me?”
“No. I haven’t told him anything, because it would mean breaking the group’s oath of silence.”
“Is he happy?” Carter asked.
“Right now, he’s a little frazzled. Lars is here. They’re trying to patch things up before he moves to the states.”
“Lars or Cinder?” Carter asked.
“Lars.”
“Is Cinder happy overall?” Carter asked again.
“I think so. This all started as a scheme so he wouldn’t have to marry Reggie. At the time I thought I was doing both of you a favor, but then it became something so much more. It’s a piss poor excuse for the shitty friend I’ve been, but I haven’t felt this alive, this awake, since before Stacy died.”
“I’m glad your crazy furry ass was around to get him out of there even if you didn’t tell me. Before you say it, yeah, you’re right. Knowing he was being forced into a marriage with a sick fuck like that would’ve set me off. I would’ve tried to fight him or got a fix, so I didn’t. Thanks for taking care of my kid.”
“That’s what friends do.”
“You wolves are too cuddly for your own damn good.” Carter laughed.
“Are we good?” I asked him.
“Maybe. I have one more question.”
“Shoot.”
“Don’t tempt me. I’ve been making arrows all damn night. When can I meet Cinder?”
“As soon as I see if we’re still something after I tell him.”
“Explain to him about the group. He has to know the truth. His whole life everyone lied to him except for maybe his dead mate. We can’t be like those assholes. We’re better than that.”
“I’d like to think we are.”
“Stop thinking so much, wolf-man. We are better than that.”
“We’re good?”
“As long as Cinder’s happy. That’s all I’ve wanted since the day I found out Lars was pregnant.”
***
Lars left that evening with Clarence. They promised to keep in touch. Back at the house Cinder was quiet. I expected him to grab his phone as soon as he walked through the door and look up Carter. A search for Carter Degray would bring up Carter’s moving company and that would be that. Instead he flopped on the sofa and stared at the ceiling.
“How are you handling all of this?” I asked from the chair on the other side of the room.
“I feel sorta stupid, sorta vindicated, and a lot afraid. I want to meet my real father, but what if he doesn’t want to meet me? What if the search for him turns out to be more meaningful than actually meeting him?” He asked without looking at me. “What if it doesn’t matter where I’m from?”
“It doesn’t. I’ve seen people fall from high places and crawl out of gutters to live in high rises. Birth is important if you’re family supports you, but it doesn’t mean much at the end of the day. Fate doesn’t care where we’re born.”
“The man who I loved as a father is evil.”
“I’m sure he had his reasons. Probably fucked up reasons, but reasons nonetheless.”
“Dad said he was a gambler and nearly put the company out of business. He was trying to make tattered ends meet, but that’s no excuse for any of this.”
The moment would never be perfect. It was time to bite the bullet and tell Cinder the whole Frost-damned truth.
“This probably isn’t the best time, but there’s something I need to tell you,” I said.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m a liar or at least a deceiver.”
“What? I can’t handle this right now. Just spit it out, Seth!” He sat up and growled.
“I know who your father is. I knew before I ever met you. He’s in my addiction group. Carter Degray owns the best damn moving company in Europe. He’s a recovering addict like me, but he’s clean. He’s a good guy. He watched you for years when Lars and Augustus wouldn’t let him see you. He followed your blog with Sivan too.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He stood.
“I wanted too.” I stood up too. “Cinder, it’s complicated. What’s said in group has to stay in group. We take oaths and a lot of the guys depend on the group as a lifeline. I couldn’t break that. I didn’t tell Carter until tonight either. I didn’t want to set him off and risk his sobriety.”
“You lied to me like everyone else in my life!” He growled. “What is it with you all? Do you think I’m stupid or too weak to handle the truth? Tell me, because I really need to know. What else are you lying about? Do I even know who you are?”
“Carter is the only thing I kept from you.”
“I’m going to Brendan’s!” He threw his hands up in the air. “I can’t handle this. Everything is happening and changing all at once. I’m in over my horns! I thought you were the one person alive in the world who would tell me the damn truth!” He stomped upstairs.
“Cinder!” I followed him up the stairs, but he didn’t stop.
He stomped into the bedroom and pulled his suitcase out from under the bed. Then he slung the closet door open. He looked at his expanded wardrobe and slammed the door.
“You can’t go like this.” My heart dropped into my stomach.
Cinder and everything his presence brought into my life was slipping through my fingers.
“Why does everyone keep telling me what I can’t do? I can’t sit in my house and sleep all day. I can’t use dragon fire to clean chocolate off floors! I can’t know who my real father is because grandparents I don’t even remember thought it was a bad idea! Now, I can’t go to Brendan’s because you say so! What’s next? Do you want to collar me?”
“Fine.” I said through gritted teeth. “You’re a free man. Before you go know this: These last few weeks of my life have been better than any other since Stacy died. I’m sorry I kept this from you. I hope you find what will make you happy someday. You can stay here as long as you like. Cookie and I’ll go down to the boat.”
I walked out of the room and whistled for Cookie. She raced down the hall but skidded to a halt when she saw me. She tucked her nubby tail and followed me down the stairs.
“SETH!” Cinder raced down the hall.
I stopped but didn’t turn to look at him.
“This is fucked up! You keep something this big from me. You let me sit there and s
earch for a man who you know. Then you break up with me, because I need sometime away to clear my head?”
I turned to face him. His green eyes lit up with recognition.
“You thought I was leaving for good.”
“I wouldn’t blame you.”
“Frost-damn you!” He growled. “I don’t know whether to hug you or slap you or…”
His growl dissolved into tears. I walked back up the steps and pulled him into my arms. He sobbed into my chest. Each sound tore at my soul. I held him as tightly as I could. I feared if I let go, he’d slip through my fingers and every good thing he brought into my life would be gone. The one person I managed to love since Stacy died would walk out of my life forever.
We sank to the floor. I leaned back against the wall and he settled between my legs resting against my torso. Cookie sat across from us with her head tilted trying to figure out what happened to make the human-shifters so upset.
“I hate not having a mating connection with you, because I can never figure out what you’re thinking. I don’t have the mate’s right to know things like what happens in group. I feel like there’s this huge wall between us and neither of us know how to scale the Frost-damned thing!” He said.
“I’m sorry I’m not Sivan. If I could I’d jerk his ass out of the Other World for you. That’s not how life works. I don’t know how anything works since Stacy died. I know up until now we worked somehow, despite the odds.”
“We still work. You did right by a friend. That shows something good in you, Seth.” He wiped his eyes and looked at me. “I know you don’t see it. Maybe you never will, but you’re a good person. I’m glad Carter has a friend like you. I’m glad you’re in my life. We just have to figure out some way around all of the things we can’t have, because we’re not true-mates. I hate saying that. It makes it sound like we’re fake or something, but this is real. We’re real. I wasn’t going to leave forever. I needed time to think. I came home on the edge of just ripping myself apart at the seams. I didn’t want to break down on you. As much as you care about Carter’s sobriety, I care that much more on yours. I’ve researched a lot of things since we met. I know how relationships can be triggers for some people and…”
I pressed my finger to his lips. I could handle Rhett and everyone else worrying about me not staying clean, but not Cinder. He needed to know that part of my life was over for good.
“My sobriety is on me. Carter’s is on him too, but the trigger of you marrying Reggie would have been too much. He would’ve tried to fight him or… Damn it. My sobriety is on me and only me. You’re not an addict. You’re not bringing that shit into our home. That part of my life is over – for good. I don’t sit here and think about it every day. Most days I don’t think about it at all anymore. You’re not a trigger. If we’re in this together we’re in this together. That means you have to be able to come to me if you need to without worrying about triggering me. If something triggers me, I’ll let you know, but I can’t live with you worrying about it day in and out.”
“I’m sorry.” Cinder bit his lip. “I know how much you hate when everyone worries, but we worry because we love you.”
“I understand that, but I want you to be able to come to me. You have to trust me to speak up if something’s too much.”
“Promise me unless I’m a thousand miles away I’ll be the first you tell, because I don’t want to lose you to anything. Green Bay in the states is having this huge problem with some drug strong enough for Alphas to overdose on. I don’t want to be a widower twice over. I won’t survive it, Seth.”
“I promise I’m not going anywhere.” I pressed my forehead to his. “I’m going to stay right here with you.”
“Good, because I’m mad at you for not telling me, but I’m too tired to chase after you.”
“Let’s go to bed.” I stood up and scooped him up in my arms.
“Hey! It’s been more than a month.” He laughed. “It’s time to come clean.”
“Do you still want to after everything you found out tonight?” I asked him.
“This is a fight not the end of the world.” Cinder wrapped his arms around my neck. “Besides, when the world ends, we’ll go out in a blaze of glory fighting the gods themselves if we have to.”
“I love you, Cinder.”
“I love you too. No more secrets, though.”
“Okay. Then you should know I do feed Cookie the good roast beef when you’re not paying attention.”
“I knew it!” He wagged a finger at me as I sat him down in bed. “Feeding that furball my prime cuts! You should be ashamed!”
I fell in bed next to him laughing.
“Are we okay?”
“We will be.”
“Good.” I squeezed his hand.
“Can you do one more thing for me?” He asked.
“Yes, I’ll get up and turn out the lights.”
“Well, two more then.” He laughed.
“What’s that?”
“Find out if Carter wants to meet me.”
“He’s wanted nothing more since you were born.” I turned out the light.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cinder
Carter had moving jobs all week making him unable to visit right away. I worried if he really wanted to meet me, he wouldn’t put it off.
“He has a company to run,” my dragon tried to reassure me. “Besides, I bet he’s nervous too.”
No amount of soothing made me feel better. I understood for a lot of shifters work had to come first. I spent time researching the business and read the story on his website about how he built his moving company from the ground up. It seemed the entrepreneur spirit ran in both sides of my family. Well, Dad helped Augustus run the chocolate company anyway.
With the added stress of meeting Carter, Seth and I decided to put off telling Clarence and the others. To distract myself I planned a mini-announcement feast. Not every Moonscale needed to know the truth. We narrowed down the list to Rhett, Brendan, Clarence, and Medwin. Those we were close to and stayed in touch with. My carrier didn’t need to know our love started as a scheme.
Sometimes late at night when I couldn’t sleep, I liked to imagine Dad at the grocery store. He always took too long to choose his melons. I imagined him standing in the middle of the produce section squeezing, sniffing, and thumping melons when his true-mate came around the corner. He deserved the same light in his eyes that I found when I met Sivan. Maybe he really loved Augustus. Maybe they even had a good relationship if you ignored the lies. I just didn’t know another cure for the sort of broken spirit he suffered from. Unconditional and honest love was the only bandage for the soul.
Following our fight, Seth and I spent more time together than ever. We tweaked our schedules to allow for both of our favorite activities and to give us plenty of time home together too. It wasn’t the same as an open mate connection, but it was something. The more time we spent with each other the more we understood the subtleties of scent and movement. There was no faking the bond that allowed easy transference of thoughts, but we agreed to be honest whenever the other asked us what was on our mind. I often caught Seth in deep thought and his answers were always never as serious as the expression he wore.
“I’m wondering if I changed the charms on the sails from accelerated speed to the hover charm if I could use the boat as a sky ship.”
“Do all dog breeds speak the same language or are their different dialects?”
“Did Rhett ever bring back my tackle box?”
“What am I in the mood to eat?”
As the day of Carter’s arrival neared, I morphed into a bundle of nerves. My hands shook whenever I paused to think about what I’d say to him.
“Let me take that,” Seth said reaching for the spatula I was trying to turn a pancake with.
“Thanks. Sorry. It’s just…” I didn’t know how to explain it but was glad he took over making breakfast.
“This time tomorrow morning your dad will
be here?” Seth offered as the end of my unfinished sentence.
“What if he doesn’t like me? I mean, he’s a business owner and I really haven’t done anything with my life since Sivan died. What if he thinks I’m lazy or a pushover? What if…”
Seth shut me up with a long slow kiss.
“I’ve known Carter for a long time. He’s not going to think any of those things. He’s a sort of live and let live guy. He’s not expecting a superhero. He just wants what you do: To meet the member of his family lies robbed him of.”
“I wish Dad would’ve told me.”
“I think he does too, but don’t be too hard on him. It isn’t just your family. Betas get the short end of the stick on a lot of things.”
“I know.” I sighed.
Cookie raced into the kitchen and leapt onto my lap. I scratched behind her ear. The furry pillow had grown on me over the last few weeks. She was always around when one of us needed her and even when we didn’t. I was secretly glad the Baby Stacy and Elwin hadn’t taken to her. Having her around gave me someone to focus on when my mind raced in circles.
“Is it okay if I take Cookie for a walk?” I asked Seth.
“What’s mine is yours.” He grinned.
“And what’s mine is hers. You snuck her more roast beef this morning, didn’t you?” I laughed.
“Nah, I quit sneaking it. She likes it and we can afford to make her happy.”
“She’s going to be jealous if we ever have an egg.”
“Or a pup,” Seth added.
“There should be a medical test to predict the likelihood of both.”
“Shifter genetics are too random for that. Would it bother you to have a pup instead of a hatchling?” Seth asked without looking at me.
“Not really. I mean, the pregnancies are slightly different. A live birth is supposedly more difficult, but if we had a baby it’d be our baby whether he or she were a hatchling, a pup, or something in between.”
“Good.”
“Why? Are you pregnant?” I teased him.
“I don’t know. With all the strange food combinations I eat with you I just might be.” Seth patted his stomach.
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