by Penny Parkes
‘At last, she sees the light!’ Kate cried, a smile lighting up her face as she held her arms aloft like an evangelical.
‘Oh shush,’ Anna said, frowning. ‘He’s not all bad. He’s just a little, well, light on character and heavy on charm.’ She shrugged. ‘It’s easier to say that when he’s hundreds of miles away, obviously. He’s almost impossible to say no to in person.’
Kate’s eyebrow shot up. ‘Is that right? I’m not sure I want to hear more, to be honest. I just want somebody who treats you right, rather than an intellectual booty call.’
‘A what now?’ Anna said, flinching instinctively.
‘Well, he turns up for help with his assignments, or to borrow your notes, and then when he’s had a lovely shag, he buggers off back to his rooms. Am I in the right ballpark?’
Too accurate for comfort actually, but Anna didn’t say that. She hadn’t felt disposable, or used. She’d felt as though she could bask in the warmth of his attention for the rest of her life. Until he left to go travelling and, without that glow, without the intimacy making her feel so special, it just felt a little – well – cold, actually.
‘Well, let’s not sully our fresh start here with talk of old boyfriends – let’s go to IKEA and buy hip Scandi duvet covers and weird serving bowls we will only use for popcorn, deal?’
‘Deal,’ said Kate, reaching across to shake her hand, her face a picture of relief.
* * *
IKEA had been a revelation. So much stuff – all brand new – so many make-believe room-sets that Anna had been unable to resist the urge to play Through the Keyhole.
‘Now, who would live in a house like this?’ she’d intoned, making up stories and lives for each mock sitting room that had Kate in stitches and, at one point, a stern security guard urging them to ‘cool it’.
Kate had been amused by Anna’s enthusiasm, but also, it seemed, rather touched. ‘You know, I can’t think of anyone I would rather be setting up house with. I’ve never moved house before and you’ve been round the block a few times, sure, but this place will be ours, won’t it – just for a little while. Our house, our rules, our friends. I’m so stoked we get to do this.’
‘Me too,’ Anna had said, tucking her arm tightly through Kate’s, feeling as though every addition to the trolley in The Marketplace was another building block in their friendship.
* * *
Pushing open the front door with her hip, Anna deposited the vast blue and yellow bags inside as Kate tried to find somewhere to park. She couldn’t wait to pull apart the packaging and start making over her bedroom with the lamps and bookends and cushions, not to mention the soft striped duvet cover that seemed so luxurious – and for her very first double bed. Decadence indeed.
She had big plans this year, having finally, finally found her feet. There was so much to explore and enjoy, there was hardly enough time in the week. Somewhere around the lighting department in IKEA, she’d decided that breaking up with Max had to be first on her agenda.
It was time to be herself.
Until this summer, she hadn’t even realised how many friends she had in Oxford. And not of the shouting-hoarsely-across-bars variety like Max had, but real conversations in the library, in the coffee shops, even just on the benches of Christ Church Meadow on a sunny day. She may not know if they took their vodka straight up or with ice, or how many shots they could down before puking their guts up; their conversations were about their lives, their loves and ambitions.
In short, friendships nerd-style.
She grinned. Finding her tribe made being herself so much less of a challenge.
Kate pounded on the front door. ‘I haven’t got my key and you’ve got visitors.’
Shoving up the sleeves on her oversized green jumper above her elbows, glasses sliding down her nose as she moved some of the bags out of the way, Anna tugged open the door.
All her resolutions deserting her in an instant.
Bronzed, buff and smiling at her as though she were the centre of his world, Max Howard held out his arms. ‘Surprise!’
Anna looked to Kate but saw only her poker face giving nothing away.
‘Wow. You should have said you were coming—’
‘But then it wouldn’t have been a surprise.’ Max grinned, clearly thrilled with himself. ‘You didn’t seem yourself last time we spoke, and it felt like we’d been apart too long, you know? I missed you.’ He stepped inside and pulled her into a deep, searching kiss, smiling confidently as he released her. ‘So this is the new pad, huh? Nice digs.’
Anna was simply speechless, watching as he dropped his luggage in the hall and looked around. He gave her another devastating smile. ‘Nice jumper, A – you look like a scrumptious Granny Smith.’
Anna stilled, knowing from his smile that there was a compliment in there somewhere, yet suddenly feeling rotund, as she pulled off her glasses and tucked them out of sight.
A cough from the doorstep caught her attention. ‘Er, were you going to introduce me to your girlfriend, or are you too busy catching up?’
Anna blinked at the man standing beside Kate, a strange facsimile of Max, yet without the radiant glow of conceit. Smaller, wiry and with neat tortoiseshell glasses, he was obviously embarrassed to be standing on a stranger’s doorstep without so much as an introduction. ‘I’m Duncan, the older brother,’ he said, holding out his hand politely to Kate. ‘As always, I can only apologise for Max. I did say we should have called ahead and you’re obviously busy.’
Kate smiled. ‘No need to apologise.’
‘Let me help at least,’ he said, picking up the larger of the three boxes that were stacked outside. ‘Depending on how long Prince Charming here needs to persuade Anna that he’s not a bounder and a cad, we could probably get most of this built.’
Anna looked from one to the other in confusion. ‘You brought your brother to meet me?’ she asked, softening. She’d never been invited to join Max’s family on any of their previous trips to Oxford. He’d also never directly referred to her as his girlfriend before.
Duncan laughed as he carried Kate’s flat-pack desk up the stairs. ‘Needed a lift from the airport more like.’
‘Are you all moved in then?’ Max asked, ignoring him and gently stroking the underside of her arm, edging ever closer to the strap of her camisole. She hadn’t even noticed him slipping his hands up under her jumper, but as his eyes grew dark and his focus on her face remained unbroken, she knew exactly what he was asking.
She hesitated. Yes, her bed was here and yes, her body had immediately forgotten all thoughts of breaking up with him, but she felt a certain reluctance to leap straight into bed. He’d been gone for weeks, sharing a bed with God knows who.
‘I’ll put the kettle on,’ she said firmly. ‘And you can tell me about your trip.’
‘Tea?’ he said. ‘Wine o’clock surely, Anna? I missed you. Let’s celebrate being together again.’
She felt herself give a little more, thrown off balance by his insistence that he’d missed her and yet bizarrely feeling more dull and pedestrian than she had in weeks.
He swooped up her hair from the back of her neck and kissed the delicate skin with increasing urgency. ‘Don’t make me wait for a reunion while I bore you with stories of all the vapid eejits on the Euro-trail.’
‘Tea. Talking,’ Anna said firmly, ushering him through into the kitchen just as Kate ran back downstairs, cheeks flushed and eyes bright.
‘Listen,’ she whispered urgently. ‘I know you had big plans for a break-up, but can you at least wait until I’ve got Duncan’s phone number? He’s gorgeous. Like a lovable geek. And seriously cute. Please, Anna?’ She dashed upstairs again, casting a smile back over her shoulder that Anna had never seen before. A sure sign that Kate was actually serious in her request.
She walked into the kitchen to find Max opening and closing all the cupboards. ‘You can totally tell this is a girl’s house – look, it’s all so organised and everything matches.�
� He held out his hands to her and pulled her in close. ‘And look, as much as I’m enjoying the grand tour of domesticity, I guess I was hoping we could have a little privacy. I’ve been away from you for far too long, A. I’m sorry.’
He dipped his head and kissed her once more and, whether it was the apology or the gentle insistence of his lips on hers, in that moment, Anna couldn’t remember a single reason why she’d been protesting.
Chapter 36
Oxford, 2008
Anna fiddled with the intricate silver bracelet on her wrist, confusion and longing mingling into one swirling mass of uncertainty. All the clarity she’d gained over the summer seemed to have deserted her the moment Max turned the spotlight of his affections on her again. He was certainly easier to ignore in theory than in practice.
‘Beautiful bracelet,’ Kate said, walking through to the sitting room with two steaming bowls of pasta. ‘Expensive too, by the look of it.’
She was fishing.
She must have heard their laughter – not to mention their somewhat noisy reunion in Anna’s new bedroom – yet she hadn’t said a word. Distracted by Duncan? Possibly. But there was also a hint of disappointment in her voice that Anna simply didn’t feel up to addressing.
‘Please say you didn’t stay with Max just because I asked you to?’ Kate said as she snuggled down beside Anna and passed her the carbonara.
‘No – don’t be daft – of course not,’ Anna said. But she couldn’t deny that even that momentary delay in the kitchen had snapped the last thread of willpower holding her back. Was it possible to be addicted to another person? Or to what they represented perhaps?
She couldn’t deny anymore, even to herself, that on some level she loved Max, but she didn’t actually seem to like him very much and that was significantly more troubling.
‘Nice pasta,’ she said, her hand emerging from the duvet to hold her fork, twirling the ribbons of tagliatelle into a neat parcel and popping it into her mouth.
Kate laughed. ‘My God you’re like a little pea in a pod, so cosy. Are you intending to hibernate generally, or is it just a reaction to the afternoon’s events?’
Anna chewed, buying time. ‘I don’t know. But you have to admit that it’s sweet that he missed me – that he cut short his trip just to spend time with me?’
Kate froze, her carbonara suddenly requiring her undivided attention. ‘Sure.’
‘Kate?’ Anna’s appetite deserted her. ‘Spill.’
‘Oh feck it, Anna. I can’t do this – I can’t watch your disappointment and know that I caused it. Ask your boyfriend.’ Kate stared down into her bowl again. ‘We’ve got the most amazing year ahead of us and Nicola and Hannah are moving in next week. Can’t we just enjoy this time without stupid boys ruining our vibe?’
‘So, he didn’t in fact come back just to see me, is what you’re saying?’ Anna held up her hand. ‘Sorry, not saying.’
Kate sighed dramatically. ‘Duncan said he screwed up his medieval lit prelim and had to come back and re-sit before the start of term—’
‘Which he would have known about since June,’ Anna finished for her, pushing away the bowl of carbonara, the glistening strands making her stomach twist uncomfortably. A strangely vivid memory of rhubarb crumble, the colour of Pepto Bismol, crept into her mind and with it the overwhelming emotion of disappointment.
It was a feeling that she was all too familiar with, and yet this time it felt different. Because this time she was disappointed in herself.
‘Well, that’s a real boost for the self-esteem, isn’t it?’ She shook her head. ‘Kate, why do I have such lousy taste in men?’
‘Honestly?’ asked Kate, her expression serious. ‘Or is this one of those conversations where I tell you what I really think and then you and Max carry on dating and things get really awkward between us, real fast?’
Anna shrugged. ‘Hit me. I can handle it.’
Kate’s beautifully shaped eyebrow disappeared under her fringe. ‘I’m going to need the promise of immunity here.’
‘Oh for fuck’s sake, Kate. Spill.’
‘Well, if you ask me, you have no frame of reference for what a good man looks like. Or acts like. Or how he might talk to you.’
Anna frowned. ‘But that’s—’
‘So on the money? Let me give you an example. I don’t think it’s okay when Max teases you for being a super-brain, says you wouldn’t enjoy the parties with his mates, but still constantly borrows your notes.
‘I don’t think it’s okay every time he calls you “sensitive” for having an opinion that doesn’t tally with his wonky views.
‘And I really don’t think it’s okay the way he negs you all the time, subtle little digs that make you shrink before my eyes.’
‘But…’ Anna began and then stopped, so many conversations suddenly cast into a different light. She swallowed hard. ‘But that’s just how they talk, isn’t it? Boys, I mean. Young, stupid boys. They’re just full of bravado and everything’s a joke?’
‘But is everything a joke to you?’ Kate said quietly. ‘Would you be friends with a girl who spoke to you the way Max does?’
Anna shook her head. ‘But then I wouldn’t feel that way about a mate, would I? All the other stuff…’
‘The shagging?’ Kate said curtly. ‘Is that what this boils down to?’
‘No! I mean, partly, maybe? It’s not just the shagging is all I’m saying… I like the way he’s so certain about everything—’
‘Even when he’s wrong,’ Kate interrupted. ‘Look, I get that life is confusing and that maybe you’re exploring being away from the system and everything, but Max Howard does not live a normal life. He lives a life of absolute privilege and as a result, to slightly misquote Hermione Granger, he has the emotional range of a teaspoon.’
Anna laughed despite herself. ‘It’s true. He has. There’s never been a hurdle to overcome or a challenge he couldn’t buy his way through. But, Kate – I think I’m a lost cause because all of that? It intrigues me.’
‘Then study anthropology. Go see my mum and swap courses. Because a proper loving relationship shouldn’t be about one-upmanship and power games. He’s got you doubting yourself and chasing your tail. Seriously – all summer, you’ve been like Anna-Plus and it’s been heavenly. Six hours with Max Howard and you’re all Anna-Lite again.’
Anna was speechless. She’d known it; she’d felt it. She just hadn’t realised it was noticeable to anyone else.
Orange squash – diluted.
‘Do you think this is just going to be it for me then? Stuck in old patterns, bending myself round like a pretzel to fit into whatever lifestyle catches my eye. I’m like a fucking magpie – anything sparkly, or easy, and I’m there, with my little beak pressed against the window.’
‘I’m going to forgive your horrific mangling of your metaphors, and say no. No, I don’t think this is how it will always be. But I do think that you need to take a step back and look at your motivations. Maybe Max Howard isn’t just your catnip because he’s fit and confident; maybe it’s more about the family weekends, and the family dinners and the house that gets passed down from generation to generation? None of which, by the way, you have been invited to.’ Kate shrugged. ‘I’m not saying you’re a gold-digger, by the way. I think it’s just the allure of a close-knit family that has you hooked.’
‘Fuck,’ breathed Anna, her mind whirring with the implications of what Kate had just said.
‘By that token, it probably explains why you’re friends with me too,’ Kate said. ‘But I won’t judge you for it, because I’m fabulous. I mean, seriously, who could resist?’
Anna laughed. ‘You know I love your mum and dad. I mean, I could live without your annoying little brother. But honestly, you had me at hello. That first day, when you just decided we would be friends.’
Kate looked astonished. ‘I was just trying to hide the fact that I was bricking it – I knew nobody and I hated how lost I suddenly felt, in a plac
e where I’d always felt at home.’
‘Are you serious?’ Anna asked, laughing. ‘Well that puts the whole thing into a new perspective.’
‘Well, to be fair, you looked plain terrified too, so I was thinking safety in numbers,’ Kate said.
‘Safety in numbers,’ Anna echoed, liking the sentiment and the warm feeling of belonging that filled her chest. ‘I like it.’
‘We should get T-shirts,’ Kate said, draining her glass of wine, the carbonara long abandoned and congealing. ‘And maybe go out and get kebabs?’
* * *
‘Going out for kebabs’ was Kate-speak for wandering the streets of Oxford, occasionally stopping for food or a drink, or a chat with friends they bumped into. It was Kate-speak for just drinking in the glory of this beautiful city, the pot of gold at the end of the A level rainbow.
And it was every bit as wonderful and inspiring and fulfilling as Anna had dreamed it would be.
Mainly, she had to confess, because of her friendship with Kate. It gave her an anchor.
But she had to disagree with one part of Kate’s incredibly astute assessment. It wasn’t Kate’s family that drew her in, it had been Kate.
Kate herself was enough. More than enough to make Anna feel loved.
She’d never had a proper friendship like this before and the wonder and novelty of it had yet to tarnish. She’d never known that somebody had her back so completely, as to even risk angering or offending her with a few home truths.
It was, in short, a revelation.
‘Max’s a twat,’ Anna said, as she wrangled her kebab back into its pitta bread sleeve. ‘And I’d like to say that it’s just a sex thing. That I was the kind of girl who could divorce emotion from all the shagging, but I don’t think I can.’
‘Okay then,’ Kate said, nodding. ‘So, it looks like you have a decision to make.’
Anna sighed, thinking of the long June nights she’d spent entwined with Max’s golden limbs and the complete release she’d discovered with him in the small hours of the morning, naked and uninhibited. Wondering, still, if she could shelve her concerns and just enjoy the fun.