by Erin R Flynn
Professor White studied me a minute, frowning. “Ms. Vale are you all right?”
I opened my mouth to tell her I was fine but I realized that would be a lie as I dropped my bag, my limbs going numb. I blinked at her as I felt as if I was falling but knew I was still standing. “Shit. I think I went too far.”
“Tamsin!” Mel bellowed as everything went dark, her voice echoing in my head as I fainted again.
Except I wasn’t sure I was going to wake back up this time.
Luckily, I did though it took me several moments to recognize the infirmary.
“She’s awake,” Izzy announced, tears in her eyes as she squeezed my hand. “Don’t ever do that to us again, Tams. We thought you were dead. You just fucking dropped and your heart… It stopped. It stopped for a moment.”
“Yes, but only a moment which can happen often for lots of reasons as supes so let the medical professional explain this to her, Ms. Kincaid,” Dr. Salzman gently chastised as he pulled back the curtain. He was the first to come closer but people filed in behind him and there were so many I couldn’t keep up with them all.
“Hey, Doc,” I croaked, making me realize my throat was desert kind of dry.
Salzman handed cup of juice with a straw. “Slowly.” He smiled when I nodded. “Now, we have good and bad news. The bad news is yes, whatever you did hurt you. It damaged your body and you’re severely injured and not only physically. Professor White can explain that part better than I can.”
“You said there was good news?” I drawled before taking another few sips.
“Yes, the good news is that while this is a serious health scare, this shows vast development in your power and not volatile increases only.” He smiled when I simply stared at him. “It gives me hope that your magic isn’t stunted from your abuse and mistreatment from being an unknown as you pushed your limits. Other unknowns I’ve now spoken with said that was a huge problem from them.
“They were volatile and their power jerked from there to there but the jumps could only cap out to a certain point in the first five years before slow and stunted growth after. Basically, they hit a ceiling too young because they were unknown and didn’t receive what they needed as they developed. This is the time when most supes grow fastest and we now know you will too with this large jump.”
I felt a gigantic weight that had been scaring the crap out of me in my subconscious, dreams—well nightmares—and anytime I had free time lifted off my shoulders. It wasn’t like I was power-hungry or wanted to be the most powerful ever, but if I was to save Faerie and all the people there being stunted magically was about the worst outcome for me.
“Thanks, Doc,” I whispered, moving my hand over my face. As much pain as I was in at the moment, it was worth it to hear that. “We’re sure?”
“Yes, without a doubt you won’t hit your ceiling too young,” Professor White confirmed, her voice tender as she rubbed my shoulder. “However, you did damage to your magic. Whatever you did, you weren’t ready for, Ms. Vale. Not alone.”
I nodded. “I know. I didn’t… I didn’t have control of it. I had to try but I lost control. It worked though. It actually worked.” I let out a sob which I was pretty sure shocked everyone there.
“She’s exhausted and in desperate pain,” Professor White defended as she sat on the cot and pulled me to her. “I’m glad it worked, but you need to listen that what you did was serious and will take time to heal. You injured yourself magically. You cracked your core, rivers, and accumulators of your magic.”
I simply sighed and leaned into her. That made abso-fucking-lutely no sense to me.
“The confusion in her aura is almost amusing,” Professor Campbell chuckled. “Think of it as your core like your midsection of your body, your blood vessels, and your organs… Simply the magical and metaphysical ones. The good news is you opened up some new ones pushing yourself and that’s astounding at your age, but you went too far and did damage.”
“Okay, I’m tracking. Yeah, I blacked out for a few hours after what I did. I meant to come fuel up because I felt wonky and everything hurt but then suddenly it was like my body was just done.”
“Your accumulators cracked and the rest of your magic drained,” Craftsman explained, and I flinched, not having realized he was there.
Why was he even there?
“He’s here because he loves you. Give him a chance to explain that he’s been going through, what each of us has had to as a teacher here.”
I blinked up at White, realizing it was her voice in my head. I was too weak to shut off my telepathy totally and when she thought it at me, I heard her. I didn’t know what it meant, but right then I was too exhausted to fight off or argue with anyone so I simply nodded.
“How do I fix this?”
“Rest and you’re on magical lockdown for a week. We’ve informed the royal families we have to push back your outing.” She gave me a curious look. “Is there anyone else you need to speak with.”
“Geiger. I need you to give him a message and I think he needs to read you in on what I’m up to if you’re willing,” I hedged.
“I already know,” she informed me with a soft smile.
I nodded, tears filling my eyes as I stared at her. “The sun is back in Faerie. It’s not only viscous darkness. The sun shines where I’ve healed now.”
Tears filled her eyes as well as she let out a shaky breath. She lowered her forehead to mine. “You are a miracle. I will work with you to help you control whatever you did so it’s not like this again. We’ll come up with a better plan. I have a guess what you were doing given what was in your bag. I will get a message to Geiger.”
She kissed my forehead and pulled away, ignoring the curious stares and stunned looks people gave us at how we were acting.
Luckily Irma and the hobgoblins showed up with a shit ton of food to fuel me up. I wanted to tell them too but she shook her head when I opened my mouth. Right, they knew more than most and it was better not to ever say it. Let them infer good things without specifics.
“Let the child rest,” Irma told everyone, shooing them out. “She needs to eat and rest. Thank you for your concern but food and sleep will do her wonders.”
“She’s the boss of me,” I agreed, waving to my friends and thanking them for coming. I was careful not to look at Hudson or Lucca but I could feel them there. I did accept a kiss from Darby who promised to be back later.
Mel said she was going to call her parents and wanted them to talk with Dr. Salzman and figure some things out so she left with Izzy. Zach and Ray weren’t leaving the infirmary but were going to give me some space… Since it was clear that Craftsman was staying.
Fuck.
“Why are you even here, Julian?” I whispered as I pushed to sit up so I could eat, not able to look at him. I saw his hand reach for me and I flinched away. “Please leave.”
He let out a shaky breath. “I love you, Tamsin, of course I’d be here.”
I snorted. “I don’t have the energy for this. You’ve made your feelings clear. You don’t love me; you love your idea of a sweet—”
“That’s not true,” he argued, sitting on the cot but careful not to touch me. “Please listen to me. Please.”
I shrugged. It wasn’t like I could run from him right then or leave the infirmary. If he wanted to talk while I ate, it was probably better just to get this over with.
“I’m a teacher here, Tamsin.”
I bit back the need to roll my eyes. No shit. I knew that.
He blew out a frustrated breath when I didn’t respond. “When I took the job here, I took an actual oath to protect the students here—even the asshole ones. And you intentionally physically hurt students. Not they got hurt during sparring or ached later, but you had your opening, free shot and you broke bones or burned them or did—well lots of things.”
“I know what I did,” I snapped. “I get it, you disapprove. You’ve made that very clear. Just end it. Everyone knows you’re going to.
”
He didn’t speak for several moments, reaching over and touching my thigh even when I tried to pull away. “Is that what you really think is going on here?” He sighed when I snorted. “I needed some time to—”
“Everyone who knows about us thought the same,” I rasped, shoving his hand off of me. “I made the hobgoblins promise to leave you be and they said as long as you end it with dignity. So, don’t make it seem like I was reading into this. Your reaction was instant and everyone could sense your disapproval. So just—”
“I’m not ending things,” he choked out. “I just need time. Please, please listen to me. It’s not what you think. Tamsin, fuck, bloody fuck, love, I need you to stop and hear me. Please? I should have come to you sooner but I was all mucked up inside. I didn’t know—I still don’t know how to handle this. I’m trying to tell you I’m having a problem and I need you to help me.”
I froze, not having seen that coming. I swallowed loudly and then nodded. I could give him that. He’d done the same for me and all my issues. Clearly, I was missing something and he was an idiot for not talking to me about things sooner.
“For a moment I need you to separate that I’m your lover. I know it’s not fair to ask, but I need you to.” He waited until I nodded again even if I still couldn’t look at him. “You saw Professor Pillay had a hard time swallowing what you were doing, yes?”
“Yeah, but she doesn’t know me like you do or—”
“No, there is no but here, love,” he whispered. “I had… This isn’t about what you did so much as what I taught you. I taught you a fire rune and then you turned around and burned someone with it. I watched you burn another student, a student I swore to protect with the rune I taught you to use.”
I finally looked at him then and swallowed a gasp. He looked horrible. Well, as horrible as someone that attractive ever could, but he had bags under his eyes from not sleeping, his normal scruff was a full week beard almost and he was completely disheveled. I studied him as I mulled over what he said, truly listened instead of letting my hurt feelings in the way.
“You’re saying you’re having a crisis of conscious that extends past me like the shooting instructor who takes a hard look at what he’s doing after a student uses what he taught to murder someone? Or the guy who sells a gun and it’s used in a robbery or to kill someone?”
He seemed to think about that for several moments before nodding. “Yes. I never—it never registered that what I was teaching people could be used to hurt others. I was teaching runes to educate and expand minds. Yes, I’d seen them used in protection and of course I’ve seen runes used in battle. I’ve simply never seen it be so… No one I’ve ever taught…”
“You never had a front row seat for how something you thought as good could be flipped on its head,” I supplied for him.
“Yes,” he whispered, closing his eyes and scrubbing his hands over his face. “And I fell down a rabbit hole of panic and realizing I’d been naïve. What if others turn to the Underground with the knowledge I’ve taught them? Hurt others? How many have already done that and I’ve been blind to it?”
What White had said in my mind made sense now. Craftsman was still a new teacher and he was realizing what every powerful instructor went through. “Have you talked to one of the others about this?”
He shook his head. “I was spiraling at first and didn’t know what I was feeling or thinking. Now I will since I understand better, but I need more time, love. I have to get a grip on this.”
“Yeah, you do,” I agreed, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice. He needed to as a teacher and the vultures of the school wouldn’t be gentle if they found any vulnerability on him.
His family certainly wouldn’t. They’d use it against him and get him to quit or trap him into something he didn’t want. That worried me more than anything.
“Thanks for finally explaining instead of just avoiding me,” I mumbled, glancing away. “Sorry I can’t help you and you disapprove of what I did.”
“I don’t know that I do,” he sighed after a few moments. “It’s complicated. I know that’s not fair, but it is. I’m not only your lover and I’m not a student, Tamsin. I had my colleagues coming up to me later commenting they were shocked I worked with you on such a ruthless plan given we take an oath to protect the students.”
“You didn’t because—”
“I know and I told them that. It’s still complicated. People know I was your power assessor and the one who worked with you. I received a message from the head of my family saying he was pleased I would train you to be so ruthless to win as he didn’t think I had that in me.”
I flinched, never having thought my plan would have affected him like that. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that—”
“It’s my fault,” he accepted quietly. “If I hadn’t been such a duffer and pushed you away and demanded you bail out instead of listen to you better, we would have discussed all of this. Instead I left you alone to figure this out. I should have been at your side. I wasn’t. Since I wasn’t, the fallout that affects me is on me.”
“That’s not true or fair,” I grumbled. “I was so pissed at you that I didn’t even consider any of it hitting you. I was so focused on those who would attack me if I took a knee and the ones who would get hurt protecting me that I never considered the fallout if I won that way. I can admit that and it was something I should have.
“I’m sorry. I should have. I’ve thought that since. I was so focused on getting through it that I didn’t think once about what came after if I won and that way. The deck was so stacked against me and the whole thing seemed to cost me you since you didn’t agree to fight and then really cost me since you disapprove that I just…” I shook my head. What else was there to say?
He was quiet several moments. “If I was in the same place as Darby, I think I would be of the same opinion as him. I can’t—when I think back to being a student, I cannot think I would feel anything other than pride if it was my girlfriend who stuck it to those fucking gits and bitches who torture so many. I’m simply not a student anymore and I need more time to sort out all of this.”
I nodded. He wasn’t really asking but if it was what he needed I would agree to it. I didn’t know if it put us on a break or—I really had no clue but there was one thing I needed to. “Can you not sort this out with Campbell? If we’re taking a time out or whatever can you just stay away from her? I know she’s finally moving on from you but I really don’t need her thoughts of you turning to her for help.”
“I’m not that dense, love,” he chuckled.
I might argue that. “And don’t call me that until you’re sure you still feel that way.”
“Nothing could change my love for you,” he promised. “I have a feeling I was going to hit this pitfall of being a teacher here one day no matter what and it simply happened with you and complicated our lives. I know I love you, truly love you, Tamsin. I simply need time to sort out the rest and I will.”
I nodded, unsure of what to say that didn’t sound like I doubted him or thought he was selling me bullshit. I knew that was my own insecurities more than anything. My heart felt like it was dying as he ended things no matter what his words were.
“Look at me?”
I shook my head, tears leaking out of my eyes as I sniffled, quickly wiping them away.
“I won’t ever end things with you,” he promised.
I closed my eyes. I didn’t believe him. People left. People abandoned me and I hadn’t lived up to what he’d thought I should be. Years and years of living with foster families taught me the undeniable truth that I was going to be walked away from.
“I’m sorry I can’t be what you need and help you,” I rasped, curling into myself.
He leaned over and kissed my hair. “You are perfect as you are. Get better and we’ll talk soon.”
And then he left. I stared at the spot on the cot he’d been sitting for a while before pushing away the tray of food, n
ot able to stomach the idea of eating any of it. I silently cried myself to sleep knowing the truth even if he couldn’t see it yet.
Julian Craftsman and I were over. Him loving me wasn’t enough to make us work.
Life wasn’t fair like that.
14
Needless to say, I was a beast the next week. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or do much of anything. I studied and adhered to what Dr. Salzman and Professor White told me to do. Oh, and Irma as she knew the most about what fairies needed.
Except I wasn’t only on magical lockdown, but a physical one as well given the damage I did to my body. Great, the time I needed to work out and work through what was going on with me and I couldn’t.
So, I fell into a depression. I went to classes, but I was mostly tuned out… Especially in Runes 102.
Shocking. I couldn’t even look at him so yeah, I didn’t think anyone would blame me for tuning out in his class after he dumped me.
The real problem was I didn’t want to eat. I completely lost my appetite because I was depressed, not working out, and not using any of my power and that wasn’t good. And everyone tried to give me space and not push but they also hovered. It made me want to run and I had a feeling they knew that. I kept staring off longingly towards the faculty parking look where my bike was parked.
It was the middle of April now and the weather was getting nicer and all I wanted was to take off. Fuck the rest of the year and even school, just get out of there, leave it all behind and just… Go.
I must not have done a very good job of hiding how I was truly feeling because Friday after the History of Shifters someone was waiting for me.
Or two someones actually.
I was grabbed around the waist and flipped over a shoulder. I was about to fight when I felt that energy glide over my skin and knew it was Hudson.
“I got her before she could take off,” Hudson said into the phone. “We’ll meet you at the portal. You got her bags?”
“Yeah, Mel and Izzy packed for her,” Darby replied from the other end. “Her guards with you?”