by Elin Wyn
Quick fire ran through me, perhaps we’d solved a piece of the endless puzzle. Lynna would be excited to hear about the results of the night’s work, and—
The sight of the dockmaster reaching for her chin flashed before me again, stirring my temper. I wouldn’t, shouldn’t be speaking to Lynna again. Not anytime soon.
“No, none of them are right,” Aavat dashed my hopes. “This one is close, but a few days too early.”
Forcing the thoughts of Lynna away, I refocused on the paper. “This one.” I returned to the mark of the Qasar group. “What was the date that Kovor and Aryn were taken to pick up the women they rescued?”
Hurriedly Dejar consulted his logs, then we checked the possible dates.
Not the first. Nor the second.
“There. Right there.”
On one row, the mark of the group Skud had led matched the date the Merrmian women had been transferred off The Terror.
“It could be coincidence,” Aavat reminded.
“So many things with this whole disaster could be,” Dejar agreed. “Five marks. Three we’ve seen before. Different groups, maybe factions of Enclave?”
“Then there are two we haven’t run up against,” I realized. “Maybe it’s enough to give us a key to the code.”
Dejar traced the patterns again. “There’s something about these that seem too related to be random designs.” He turned to the wall. “Computer?”
“How can I be of assistance, Captain Dejar?” the computer’s voice asked. Qal must have adjusted the voice again, because it sounded like a child was speaking.
“Oh, for the love of…computer, adjust voice back to setting two-point-seven and, again, lock Qal out of your internal programming,” Dejar ordered. While his voice was filled with frustration, I firmly believed that it was more along the lines of friendly annoyance. Probably.
“Now, computer?”
“Yes, Captain?” the computer’s voice was a female one now, with hints of Kalyn’s inflections.
“Run a scan of this sheet here,” he ordered. “Translate the characters written on them.”
“Affirmative, Captain.” A small light shone down from the ceiling and ran over each sheet of paper three times in a matter of a few seconds. I counted eighteen heartbeats before the computer spoke again. “The symbols are of unknown origin, Captain. I do not have their translation within my database.”
And I’d found nothing that would give us a further clue.
My failure must have shown on my face, because Dejar quickly spoke up. “It’s okay. We’ll figure it out. You’ve given us information we didn’t have.” He tapped the folder. “And this bonus bit of leverage, should we need it.”
“Yes, sir,” I said with a nod. He might have meant it, but it did nothing to ease the bone-deep sense of weariness. We’d risked, Lynna had risked, too much.
And for not enough reward.
Aavat looked at me as he opened the file again. “You look a little tired.”
“I am fine, sir. Just not a fan of driving the Skimmer.”
He chuckled. “A man after my own heart. I hate that thing, as well.”
I didn’t hate the Skimmer, it had its uses and was a reliable vehicle. My objection was the lack of windshield so it would be easier to pilot without having the wind in my face.
“You did good,” Dejar was saying. “Job well done.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Why don’t you get some rest? I don’t want you overexerting yourself.”
I bit back any reply. He was captain, and I was sure his job had its own complications and exertions.
My job was to do anything, everything, to maintain the safety of the ship and her crew. There couldn’t be a failure.
All that was left was compliance. “Of course not, sir.”
The both sat back and looked at me curiously. “Is everything all right?” Aavat asked.
I was confused. “Yes, sir. Why do you ask?”
“Because you just growled at him when you answered,” he explained. “What’s going on?”
“I apologize, sirs. If I did indeed growl, I certainly did not mean to.”
Aavat snorted. “You just did it again. You growled at us when you answered. You need to get some rest. I think you really are tired.”
“My apologies, sirs. Perhaps you are right.” I pivoted on my heel and began to walk out of the office, when a thought hit me. “Sirs?” I asked as I doubled back.
“What is it, Valtic?”
“Now that we have this information, is Itair of any further use to us?”
With a short release of breath, Dejar nodded. “As of now, yes. I believe that he still has useful information for us.”
“Then I will ask him.” I turned towards the door. “If he is of no further use, then he is a risk factor.”
“No, you will not. He needs…” Captain Dejar’s words were lost as the door closed behind me. I made my way to the room Itair had been given, ignoring my small communicator as it vibrated on my hip. I walked up to the door and, without bothering to knock or announce myself, I opened it and walked in.
He had been given one of the crew quarters that had been converted into a ‘guest’ room. The light blue paint inside was supposed to be calming. I didn’t find it successful.
Itair was sitting at a table, tablet in hand and a steaming drink at his side.
“What is this?” he asked as he looked up from his tablet.
I walked over and stopped right in front of him. If he wanted to stand, he would be forced to move the chair back in order to give himself enough room.
“I do not believe you have any further use to us. Captain Dejar is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.” I leaned a bit further. “I am not. If you do not have information, you will be taken back to your tower, to await another visit from whoever redecorated for you.”
His eyes widened and he stammered.
“If you do have information, and do not tell us immediately…” I let my smile finish the sentence for me.
He coughed and stammered as he tried to answer, interrupted by his door opening again. “Valtic!”
I turned to see Dejar and Aavat both standing in the doorway. “What do you think you’re doing?” Dejar asked. He looked confused by my actions, Aavat glared at me.
“Simply asking our ‘guest’ a question, sir.”
“No, you’re disobeying a direct order,” Dejar snapped at me. “Itair is helping us, and he is not to be treated like a common criminal.”
“Sir, if he has no viable information to give us, then he is a liability and a potential problem for us. If he has nothing, then he should leave and deal with whatever troubles he has on his own.”
Aavat put his hand on Dejar’s shoulder as he opened his mouth. “He has a bit of a point. We’re not bodyguards.”
At Dejar’s nod, Aavat stepped further into the room. “Well, Itair? What is it? Do you have more information for us or not?”
I turned around before he could answer. “I want you to understand something before you answer. It is my job to ensure the safety and protection of this ship and her crew. I take that job very seriously. If I find out that you are lying to us or setting us up, I will personally cause you more pain than anyone else in the galaxy. Whoever you are afraid of,” my hand must have twitched, because he flinched away, “you should be more afraid of me.”
With a gulp, Itair nodded. “The Terror is supposed to dock here, in three days.”
Lynna
I know I told myself that I wouldn’t speak to Valtic unless he came around first, but two days had come and gone, and I’d only seen him once.
He passed me in the hall, not even looking at me. I might as well have been a support beam for all the attention he paid to me.
My rational attitude faded to annoyance and then was quickly replaced by anger. I couldn’t believe Valtic thought that kind of behavior was okay.
I’d done nothing except help him, ensuring he di
dn’t get shot, and he got the information he needed.
Yet, somehow, I was the asshole in this situation? I was the one pushed aside and ignored as if I’d slapped his mother or something. Unacceptable!
I lost my grip on the bottle of pain tablets I held. The lid popped off when the bottle hit the floor. Little white pills flew everywhere.
“Damn it!” I yelled, then quickly clamped my mouth shut. I rarely raised my voice in anger, it felt strange. Looking back, I couldn’t remember the last time it had happened. I’d screamed plenty of times since joining up with the Rogue Star, but those were involuntary.
With an intense frown that hurt my cheeks, I scooped up the scattered pills. Thankfully, the med bay was equipped with a station that dispersed a concentrated form of airborne disinfectant. Zayn always urged me to use it more often. He believed it was far more effective than liquid disinfectant, though we had plenty of that on board, as well.
I still preferred liquid disinfectant. It was easier to apply to a patient in their bed. I didn’t want to make them get up to stick whatever part of them was injured under the air jet. In this case, it was perfect for the spilled pills.
I cupped all of them in my hands and held them under the spritz of air. I didn’t know how long to leave them there, so after half a minute, I carefully tipped them all back into the bottle and returned them to where they belonged.
With a deep sigh, I congratulated myself. I’d gone a full two minutes without thinking about Valtic. A personal best. As thoughts of him and how pissed I was flooded me once again, I started on my next busywork task.
Today, I was going to sit down and write labels and descriptions for everything in my native language. At this point, it wasn’t necessary. I knew the function of every machine and medical substance in the med bay. However, writing out labels was better than sitting in my room or the dining hall, fuming.
I sat at my desk and began to prepare narrow strips of paper, forcing a grin on my face as I cut the paper in perfect, straight lines. This was good. I was doing something necessary and helpful—spending my time wisely. I was not thinking about Valtic. I was absolutely, on no uncertain terms, adamantly not thinking about Valtic. . .
. . .crap, I was thinking about Valtic.
The scissors and the stupid slips of paper clattered loudly on the steel table as I threw them down. Who cared if the labels were perfectly straight and even? I sure as hell didn’t. Not really. What I did care about was understanding what I’d done wrong to make Valtic shut me out so abruptly.
Valtic wasn’t going to come around and apologize for acting like a petulant child on his own. I decided that I would go talk to him. Maybe he needed me to approach him first. For all I knew, he was too ashamed of his behavior to talk to me. Or maybe I was just making excuses for him because every time he did that little smirk, my heart fluttered. Either way, something had to give. Looked like it was going to be me.
I stood up from the table, sending strips of paper fluttering to the floor. I stormed out of the med bay and made a beeline for Valtic’s office. On the way, I crossed paths with Kalyn.
“Are you okay, Lynna?” she called. “You look like you’re on the warpath.”
“I am,” I replied without breaking stride.
When I reached Valtic’s office, I slammed on the door with my fist so hard that Maris thought I’d knocked on the door to her workshop. She poked her head out.
“Lynna, do you need something?” she asked, her brow furrowed in confusion.
“Yes. Is Valtic in there?”
“I think so,” she shrugged. “I can’t imagine anywhere else he’d be this time of day. Or ever. Is everything okay?”
“It will be.” I squared my shoulders, ready to fight an opponent that had yet to show up, and banged on the door again. This time, it opened. Valtic stood in the doorway looking less than surprised. He must’ve known it was me. Who else regularly banged on his door?
“Do you have anything to say?” I blurted.
He stared at me with a blank expression, no emotion.
“Well, I do have something to say! Or rather ask. What is your problem?” I threw my hands up, letting my frustration get the better of my composure. Valtic continued to give me that blank stare.
“I’ll tell you what your problem is.” I jabbed a finger at his chest but didn’t touch him. “Your problem is that you have no idea how to treat another person! I went out in the dead of night to that shady, awful dock and talked to that shady, awful dockmaster so you wouldn’t have to risk your life to get the job done!” My voice rose with each word. Before I knew it, I was full-on yelling. At the moment, I was too angry to care.
“I did a nice thing for you! Do you understand that? I didn’t expect a ceremony in my honor, I didn’t expect my name on a plaque, or even a thank you! But I certainly didn’t expect for you to treat me like this after I tried to help you. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
I didn’t give Valtic enough time to answer, but in my defense, he didn’t look like he was going to say anything.
“No, you don’t! Because all you do is stand there in silence like a giant shiny tree or something!” All right, so that wasn’t the smoothest analogy, but I was flustered. What bothered me more than anything was his stubborn silence.
I wanted him kneeling at my feet, begging for forgiveness. Okay, well, maybe nothing that dramatic, but I wanted to know that my feelings mattered to Valtic. But why? Why did I give a damn? And why didn’t he care?
“Does anything I’m saying mean anything to you?” I exclaimed. “Do you even care that you’ve hurt me?”
I hated that he was able to hurt me. He was practically a stranger, he shouldn’t have that power. I was blown away by how wound up he got me.
I never acted like this.
I was the rational one, the reasonable one, the look-on-the-bright-side beacon of positivity and I’d worked damn hard to become that person.
And here I was, throwing it away because I cared so much about what this stubborn Shein male thought.
Then I realized, it wasn’t just his thoughts I cared about. It was him. I could handle people being angry with me, but I couldn’t handle him being angry at me because I cared about him.
Damn it.
“Right. You don’t care. Stupid of me to assume you would.” I reached for his door knob to close the door for him, but he stopped me.
“Of course I care,” he muttered, looking almost disgusted by the fact.
“What?” I lost my momentum.
“I care,” he repeated through clenched teeth. “And I don’t want you hurt. You shouldn’t be hurt.”
“Then why are you treating me like I’ve committed a mortal offense?”
“Because I don’t know how to handle the fact that I care,” he snapped. “When I saw you flirt and use all your charms on the dockmaster, it made my blood boil. I wanted to break his neck just for being allowed to be so close to you.”
“You know I was just pretending so you could get into the office, right?” I asked, my voice softer. It sounded weird to me after all the yelling.
“That doesn’t matter. I hated every moment of it. Now you know. Excuse me.” He placed his hand on my shoulder with more gentleness than I was expecting, then shifted me to one side and moved past me. He stalked down the hall, taking up almost its entire width. He didn’t look back once. I didn’t have the energy to go after him. He’d given me a lot to think about.
I could’ve called after him, but I didn’t. If I had, I would’ve shouted to him that I had feelings for him. Perhaps it was better this way. I’d only just realized I had these feelings and needed a moment to process them. Valtic didn’t look like he wanted to hear them, anyway.
A shuffling noise behind me drew my attention. I looked over my shoulder.
Maris and Orrin were practically hanging out of their workshop door.
“Did you enjoy the show?” I murmured.
“It was hard to ignore,” Mar
is winced.
“I must say,” Orrin laughed. “I’m impressed! No one’s spoken to Valtic like that since he joined the crew. I doubt he’s been spoken to that way in his entire life.” Maris gave Orrin a quick nudge in the ribs and gave me an apologetic smile.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I nodded, though I didn’t feel it. “It’s a shame he walked off like that. If he’d stuck around, I would’ve told him I like him, too.”
Valtic
Despite my training, despite my oaths and willpower, despite my own drive to concentrate only on my work, I had come to care for someone more than as a coworker, more than as a member of the crew.
And I had just told her.
Scro.
What was I doing? Of all the insanely stupid things for me to do on this ship, how could I have developed feelings for her and then tell her?
She wouldn’t feel the same way. Why would she? She was incredibly beautiful, far too beautiful to be stuck out in the dirt and filth of space.
She deserved to be revered, honored, look upon with love and…she deserved to be in a better place than this, to be around better people than me.
The darkness that stained me, that turned and twisted my thoughts, shouldn’t be near her. Shouldn’t be allowed to touch her.
Her kindness was out of place here in the dregs of the cosmos. She cared for everyone, tried to be there for everyone…kopa, she tried to be there for me. I didn’t deserve her care, I didn’t deserve her feelings.
Well, except for her anger, I deserved that.
I stopped pacing the ship long enough to see that I had just gone through my twice-daily routine of verifying the ship’s safety.
I laughed at myself as I shook my head. Of course, I would walk my routine, what else was I to do? I had no friends aboard the ship. I had no one to talk to, or to drink with.
Umbba, I didn’t even drink.
What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to return to Lynna and tell her my feelings, beg her for a smile? Why would she smile at me? I was a worthless, hideous, stupid monster. The only thing I was good for was looking after the ship, and they probably didn’t even need me for that.