by Fiona Miers
Lizzie glanced him with a hint of a smile and cocked her head. “Carson, you will never truly grasp how much you mean to me.”
“I can say the same thing of you, my lady,” Carson said in response, trying to remain calm though his pulse began to race.
Lizzie glanced at him and a smile slowly formed on her lips. “I prefer you addressing me as Lizzie.”
“As do I,” Carson agreed and took another swig of wine. “This is ghastly.”
“Please do stop complaining,” Lizzie scoffed, “or I will be forced to take it from you.”
“Be my guest.” Carson chuckled and handed the bottle back to her.
A short silence filled the stable, which was broken by Lizzie’s soft sigh. “Carson, may I ask you a question?”
“Of course. You may ask me anything you wish.”
“Do you feel out of place at times? As if everyone in the entire world is carrying on with their lives and you are left behind? As if you have not accomplished anything meaningful in your life?” Lizzie asked, her tone sombre and her eyes dulled with sadness.
“I feel that way quite often. More often than I would care to admit.”
“But you seem very light-hearted and happy, Carson,” Lizzie muttered with a furrowed brow.
“Apparently I have the tendency to hide my emotions from the rest of the world.” Carson sighed and lowered his gaze. “It is both a blessing and a curse.”
If only she knew how I really felt about her...
“It would seem we are more alike than we already thought we were,” Lizzie said as she nudged his arm with her elbow.
“Indeed, my lady.”
“Here,” Lizzie said with a giggle and handed him the bottle. “It appears as though you need it more than I do.”
“We shall share it. Equally,” Carson told her as he wrapped his fingers around the neck of the bottle. Lizzie’s hand was directly below his, also wrapped around the bottle.
“I would love that,” Lizzie whispered and lowered her gaze. “Carson, do you remember the summer’s day we rode our horses to the river?”
“Of course.” It was one of the best days of his life. “It had started to rain, and we took refuge under a tree. We spent the entire day there, only returning after sunset. Your parents were furious.”
And he’d been scolded severely by both her parents and his father. But it had been worth it.
“Indeed, they were,” Lizzie chuckled. “It was a wonderful day. We spoke of so many things. Sitting here with you now reminds me of that day.”
“Luckily we are not soaked from the rain,” Carson pointed out., “Nor do I have to worry about being scolded by your parents this time.”
As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted it. “My sincerest apologies, Lizzie. I didn’t mean to—”
“It is fine, Carson. I know you didn’t mean to hurt or upset me,” Lizzie assured him. “I do miss the times we shared when we were younger. You and William spend a lot of time together now, which makes me feel rather left out.”
“Is that why you feel left behind?” Carson asked.
“Partly,” Lizzie answered, licking her lips. “I was always under the impression I would be the first of my siblings to marry. I am a woman, after all. I never thought that both James and William would be wedded before me.” She turned her body towards him, still holding the bottle. “I am truly happy and delighted for them, but I cannot stop myself from feeling as though I will never find a man who gazes upon me the way Drew and William gaze at their wives.”
Carson’s throat tightened and he swallowed uncomfortably. “Lizzie, you must be patient. Love finds us when we expect it the least.”
“That certainly applied in Drew and William’s case. Perhaps it shall be in the cards for me also,” Lizzie said, then met his eyes with an intent gaze. “And you as well?”
“One can only hope.” Carson sighed and handed the bottle back to Lizzie. He desperately wished he possessed the courage to tell her of his feelings for her. Now was most certainly not the right time. She was half-sprung already from the wine.
He was raised to be a gentleman and would certainly not take advantage of her when she was in a vulnerable state. A sudden thought occurred to him and he said jokingly, “Perhaps we should marry, and give everyone in Somerset a reason to gossip.”
Lizzie scoffed and took another sip of wine. “As if there are not already enough tales of me in town.”
“The tales will be there regardless of your actions, Lizzie,” Carson pointed out.
“Indeed,” Lizzie answered, then turned to look at him. “If by next Spring, neither of us are married, then I will take you up on your offer.”
“You will?” He gaped at her. Was she serious?
“Why not? I am certainly happier when I am with you. You make my heart light, Carson,” Lizzie answered and drank from the bottle before handing it back to him.
“I am glad to hear that,” Carson smiled and lightly shook the bottle. “This is nearly empty.”
“Perhaps you should return to the ballroom and find us a fuller one,” Lizzie suggested.
Carson glanced at Lizzie, her eyes twinkling mischievously back.
“Please?” Lizzie pouted, batting her lashes at him.
“I am certainly going to regret this in the morning.” Carson grinned before taking another sip of the almost empty bottle of wine.
“Liar.” Lizzie giggled as Carson stood from the hay bale.
“Come along,” Carson held out his hand to her. Her facial expression changed into one of disbelief and he shook his head. “I am most certainly not becoming a wine thief on my own.”
Lizzie giggled as she stood from the hay bale and took his hand. “Lead the way.”
Chapter Three
A thunderous pain erupted inside Lizzie’s head as she opened her eyes but immediately shut them again. Her bedchamber was filled with sunlight. She pulled the blanket over her head with a very unladylike groan.
Carson’s words echoed painfully through her mind. I am certainly going to regret this in the morning.
“Indeed,” Lizzie moaned from under the blankets.
A soft knock, which bolted through her skull, ripping its way through, caused her to wince and she placed her hand against her forehead. “Leave me be.”
“My lady, it is Frances. His Grace instructed me to bring your breakfast to your bedchamber, my lady.”
Lizzie’s shoulders relaxed and she threw the blanket off her face. She slowly sat upright, her entire world spinning around her as the pulsating throb continued inside her head.
“My lady?” Frances asked on the other side of the door.
“Yes, yes, come in,” Lizzie answered in a hoarse tone.
The door slowly opened, and Frances entered, along with another young maidservant carrying a tray of food and tea. They quietly set it down on the table and the young maidservant quickly exited the bedchamber, as though she knew she was not welcome inside for very long.
“Thank you, Frances,” Lizzie muttered with gratitude as she rubbed her temples.
“His and Her Grace had begun to worry why you had not come out from your chambers, my lady,” Frances explained as she slowly poured the teapot’s contents into the teacup.
“I am still alive, if that was what they were concerned about,” Lizzie mumbled, and her brow furrowed. “Frances?”
“Yes, my lady?”
“How did I get back to the estate?” Lizzie asked. “I cannot recall a single memory of it. I assume I returned with the duke and the duchess?”
“Oh, no, my lady. His and Her Grace arrived at the estate long before.”
Lizzie’s brow furrowed even more, and she winced painfully. “How long?”
“Shortly before sunrise.” Frances straightened from her task and looked at her.
Lizzie gaped at the servant. Sunrise? “Was I...”
“Completely and utterly, my lady,” Frances answered. “It is no wonder you slept until now.�
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Lizzie cleared her throat and ran her fingers through her brown hair. “What I meant to ask was, was I alone?”
“Mr. Wallace was so kind as to ensure my lady’s safe return to the estate,” Frances answered simply. “Is there anything else, my lady?”
“No, thank you, Frances.”
Lizzie sat in silence as Frances swiftly left her chambers and closed the door behind her. The silence brought forth a nauseating feeling in the pit of Lizzie’s stomach and she slid off the bed, towards the delicious food Frances had brought in.
As she nibbled on the small bread loaves and occasionally sipped her tea, she recalled the previous night. She remembered the stables with Carson, and the bottle of wine. How they’d spoken of everything and anything, and shared the bottle of bitter wine between them.
She recalled his facial expression as he drank the first sip and realised why she felt terrible this morning. Carson was right, the wine was indeed awful. Lizzie also recalled how they had returned to the ballroom and taken two more bottles before retreating to their shared hay bale once more.
The memories spilled together in a haze, and she was even more perplexed than before. What had happened after that? Had she and Carson done anything untoward that she would hear about from people in Somerset? Was her reputation now even more tainted by her reckless and inappropriate behaviour?
Lizzie stood from the chaise, swallowed a mouthful of tea and hastily dressed in a white muslin day dress. After pinning her tresses into a bun on the crown of her head, she left her bedchamber in search of the duke. Surely, he would inform her of any scandalous things she had done last evening, as he was at the ball as well. If not, she would be forced to go directly to the source—Carson.
Lizzie reached the main stairwell and heard voices coming from downstairs. She drew in a deep breath as her hand rested on the banister and she slowly descended the staircase. Walking along the hallway, she heard the duke and duchess in the parlour and slowly entered.
“Good heavens, she is alive,” her brother James announced as soon as his gaze met hers and his smile was filled with amusement.
The duchess, Kitty, however, seemed relieved that Lizzie was awake and in a presentable state.
“Barely. I feel as though I have been struck by a coach,” Lizzie admitted.
“That is not surprising, sister. Judging by the condition in which you arrived at the estate earlier this morning, I didn’t expect anything less. It was very gentlemanly of Carson to escort you home.”
Lizzie nodded. “Indeed. I wish to thank him personally for ensuring that I returned home safely.”
“Before you leave, sister, perhaps we can discuss the events of last evening,” the duchess said hastily. Lizzie froze.
“Very well,” she answered, knowing there would be no point in delaying this conversation. She must have done something she certainly should not have.
Her thoughts trailed back to Carson. He would not have allowed her to do anything that may have tainted her reputation, surely? Carson was a kind and understanding man, whom she trusted implicitly, and he was well aware of the situation with her and Lord Dorset.
“Before you speak, Your Grace, I wish only to apologize for any of my behaviour that placed you both in a bad light. I was clearly intoxicated and had no control over what I had done. I do apologise if there was anything I have done that made you ashamed to call me your sister.”
“Oh, no, Lizzie,” the duchess said with a reassuring smile and approached Lizzie. “You didn’t do anything of the sort. Although Drew and I did see you and Carson leave the ballroom each with a bottle of wine in hand.”
Lizzie closed her eyes and hung her head in shame. “I cannot believe I did such a thing.”
“It was rather skilfully done, sister,” the duke grinned. “I must commend you on that.”
“Thank you,” Lizzie said wryly.
“Do not be so serious, sister. Nothing bad happened. No one even noticed the wine bottles were missing. There is no need to fret over it. Carson would also not allow you to do something outlandish and irresponsible. He feels—”
The duchess cleared her throat, interrupting the duke and he pursed his lips briefly.
“He cares for your safety and your well-being too much to allow anything to happen to you,” the duke corrected himself.
“Indeed. He has been my saving grace for a long time, last evening included, and I feel it is only proper to thank him for that,” Lizzie agreed.
Kitty smiled at her. “You are truly lucky to have a friend such as Carson. I spoke with him earlier last evening before you vanished and reappeared shortly before dawn at the estate. He is a charming and wonderful young man.”
“Careful,” the duke warned his wife playfully. “I may start to feel envious of Carson if you continue to speak so fondly of him, my love.”
The duchess rolled her eyes and chuckled at the duke’s remark. “Fear not, my dearest. You are the only man for me.”
Lizzie pursed her lips and raised a brow.
The duchess winked at the duke before turning back to Lizzie. “He also spoke very fondly and kindly of you, my sister.”
“He is a wonderful man, and I am truly grateful to have him in my life,” Lizzie said with sincerity. “Even if he was the one who suggested taking the two bottles of wine.”
“I do not believe that. I am well aware of your fondness for wine,” the duke smirked.
“Honestly, James. You make me sound as though I am permanently intoxicated.” Lizzie groaned with exasperation.
“More often than not, I would say.” The duke chuckled and glanced at the duchess.
“Now, now. It is not proper to make fun of your sister in such a manner,” the duchess interjected.
“Thank you, Your Grace,” Lizzie told Kitty and glanced at her brother. “Listen to your wife. At least she does not tease me.”
“It is my right to tease you. As your older brother, of course,” the duke proclaimed. “I am merely worried that we will not be able to marry you off because of your love for wine.”
“Your teasing is starting to turn rather insulting, Drew,” Lizzie muttered, and her eyes narrowed. “I am leaving now.”
“Before you leave, sister,” the duke called as Lizzie was about to turn away.
“Yes?” Lizzie asked with a sigh.
“We would like to share something with you,” the duchess said slowly.
Lizzie noticed the expression on the duchess’ face change slightly and her eyes instantly widened. “Is something the matter?”
“No, we simply wish to discuss something with you.”
“Very well.”
“Lizzie, you know that you are always welcome here at the estate and—”
“Do you wish me to leave?” Lizzie stared at her brother and new sister, dumbfounded. They couldn’t possibly...
“No, we simply...”
“Simply what? You no longer want me here because I did something that you both know of, but will not tell me? What did I do last evening?” Lizzie asked, her voice breaking as her eyes filled with tears.
Kitty shook her head and smiled kindly. “You didn’t do a thing wrong. James and I have been discussing this for a while now, and we simply think that you should consider acting more...”
“More appropriately, as it would please the masses. Is that what you both think of me?” Lizzie demanded of her family.
“Sister, you know that we love you.”
“Do you? Yet you wish me to act unlike myself.” Love was meant to be unconditional.
James tapped a finger to his chin before saying, “Lizzie, please, do not be upset with us. We do love you, and accept you for who you are, but don’t you wish to marry? And start a family of your own?”
Lizzie glanced down at the duchess’ hand cradling her swollen belly and pursed her lips. She understood what the duchess and the duke spoke about, and why they urged her to marry. They didn’t want her to negatively impact their child.
She would be known as the foxed aunt who could not find a husband as she was too scandalous to marry. No man wished to have a woman such as her, at least not long-term.
Lizzie blinked and a tear ran down her cheek. She hastily wiped it away and glanced at the duchess. “You do not need to worry about me being a bad influence on your child, Kitty.”
“That is not what we said, Lizzie,” James pointed out.
“You didn’t need to. Your faces reveal it all. I understand your concern, as the needs of your child come first. It is what comes naturally to a parent. I don’t wish to get in the way of that, so I will be out of your hair soon enough,” Lizzie answered, her heart breaking. This was her home. She didn’t want to leave.
“Lizzie...”
“It is all right, James, Kitty. You don’t need to flatter me with flowery words. I am aware of the rumours about me. Everyone is. I know they’re not true, and I will carry on living in the manner I see fit, because I know the truth. I alone get to decide what I do with my life.” Lizzie sighed and glanced at her brother. “James, you of all people should be aware of how I feel about marriage. I do not feel the need to change myself for a man who will not love me for the person I am. I don’t care whether I am not what men want in a wife. If I am destined to be a spinster and grow old alone, then so be it. But I will not change for anyone.”
Lizzie didn’t wait for a response from either the duke or the duchess. She swiftly turned away and left the parlour. She didn’t care to hear what they had to say, as nothing they could possibly say would change her mind or make her feel differently. She hurried through the hallway that led to the terrace. Hot tears stung her eyes, blurring her vision, but she would not allow it to consume her.
Never again.
Chapter Four
A grin formed on Carson’s lips as he recalled the evening he had spent with Lizzie.
He glanced at himself in the mirror as he dressed for breakfast with his sister, Miss Adrienne. They didn’t often spend time together, as Adrienne spent most of her time volunteering at a hospital in Somerset, something her father had encouraged her to do from a very young age. Her heart had always been devoted to helping people, and caring for them.