“Why aren't you angry? Why aren't you doing something?” he screamed, and pushed me again. This time, I pushed him back.
“I am angry! Do you honestly think I wouldn't be?” I asked him. “I can't do anything!”
Liam held his head, and he turned around. I followed after him as he walked along the edge of the road, his entire body quaking with the anger he was experiencing.
“How is this fair? Why, Julie?” Liam asked, turning around to look at me. I had a moment of deja vu, and wondered if that pained expression he was wearing was the one I had been, the one I was still wearing.
I didn't have an answer for that, and Liam looked up, shaking his head. He looked in awe, and strangely, murderous. Out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by trees and wet grass and dirt, I hoped he wasn't going to kill me.
“Julie always has the answers. She always tells me where to go, but you know what, I prayed like I had never prayed before tonight, and I heard nothing. Not a single word,” Liam said, looking at me.
I started to tell him that I had too, but it wasn't my confession to make. Liam wanted to vent, and he needed someone to listen. He needed to know that the entire world had not gone deaf.
“Maybe that's what's wrong,” he went on, as if knowing my thoughts. “Maybe He did say something and I just couldn't hear it. Maybe even my mental ears are damaged.”
“Liam,” I said, and he stopped. I saw him, behind the masque of anger and hatred, to the scared little boy that was desperate for answers I couldn't give. Answers that I was still waiting to hear myself.
“Is this wrong?” he asked.
“What?”
“Me? Asking questions? Am I suppose to believe that this is all happening right now because of happenstance? Did I miss a sign or something? Was I being blind to all of the little things?” he asked.
I felt a smile cross my face. “I've been asking myself the same thing. Looking back, it all makes sense,” I told him.
Liam wiped beneath his eyes, and laughed. “Yeah. I should have known when she passed out. But she was so stressed with school, and then she was with you, and she looked so happy. I thought maybe she was afraid you would leave her,” he told me.
Like you did when she told you. He didn't say it, but it was what hit me. Her fear had been realized when I had stormed away, leaving her and her tears in a cloud of dust.
“She told you first, didn't she?” Liam asked, and I nodded.
“She didn't want to, because it was my birthday, but I finally managed to force it from her,” I told him.
Liam sighed, and he ran his hands over his eyes. “She told Hilary and me that Ava had called. I think Hilary guessed, but she didn't say anything,” he said.
“Hilary knew about her having cancer before too?”
Liam nodded. “I told her.”
I fell silent, and rolled my eyes, laughing at it slightly as I turned around and started toward the car again.
Everyone but me. The only innocent party was Ava. She had been just as blind as I had been.
“Wait! Julie never told you about before?” Liam asked.
I started to answer, and then I realized he couldn't hear that and I turned around. “No, she never told me about the two times before she had fought cancer. All the times we were together, and I spilled my past secrets, she never once told me that she had been through what those kids at the hospital are going through,” I told him.
Liam stopped, and he looked at my with a depleted expression. “I thought you knew. I honestly did.”
I sighed and shook my head. “It's fine. I know now,” I told him. I ran my hands over my face and then laughed. “I know, and I left her. She was crying, and sick, and I left her because I was so angry at her. I'm still angry at her,” I told him.
Because Liam understood, he nodded. I think he was the only person that could understand, because our minds ran along the same wavelengths. We both went to anger before hurt.
Together, we were both creeping toward the hurting part of this process. Slowly, but surely.
“You just want to yell and scream at her, even punch her, and you can't. Even if you could, you wouldn't, because it's Julie, and in the end, she's only trying to protect you,” Liam said.
I smiled slightly, and I leaned against his car. “Playing hero. Trying to save someone,” I said, remembering when she had told me to stop and left me in my car alone.
“That's our Julie.”
“Yes, it is.”
♥
That night, I lay in bed and prayed again. This time, I asked for forgiveness, and strength.
And then, I begged Him to protect Julie, because I couldn't. I asked that He help her, because I couldn't.
I asked Him to keep her strong, and I knew He would. He had made her strong, and He would keep her that way.
And then, just as I was falling asleep, I heard Him.
And He told me to love her.
♥
So, I did.
I knew I had to do something to prove that I loved her though. I wasn't about to spend my money on a tattoo with her name, too many horrible ways that could end, but I had an idea.
I bought a stereo, the big kind, with a tape deck. And then, I grabbed the cassette I had, one in my stash of many hard to find cassettes, and I made Julie a mix tape.
I made two.
And then, I gave Liam very strict instructions, and I waited.
♥
I had picked a bunch of flowers, all colors and types from around the park. I tied them with a red ribbon. I bought an adapter that would plug into the cigarette lighter in my truck, and then I plugged the stereo, and a string of lights into it.
They were a white line, with white lights through out. I decorated my truck with them, and then looped the other lines that fed from that around the small circle that was my area.
I was more prepared for this meeting. My best pair of jeans, a nice, clean, non-kid smelling shirt, and my favorite, faded leather jacket, and I wasn't worried about anyone else. Only her. I was only trying to impress her this time around.
There was no doubt in my mind that she would wonder what was going on as soon as Liam started playing my mix tape in his Trans Am. When no one started rapping, and she heard the songs, she would immediately know that this had something to do with me. The track list was settled around Julie, that was why the tape had Julie's Monster written across it.
The songs went in this order:
Linger by The Cranberries
Cool Kids by Echosmith
Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana
Blue by Angie Hart
Asleep by The Smiths
You Are The Best Thing by Ray Lamontagne
Dying by Hole
Drops Of Jupiter by Train
The Nearness Of You by Ella Fitzgerald
Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles
Gypsy by Suzanne Vega
And then, the showstopper, the one I didn't start playing until Liam stopped the car. I pressed Play on the stereo and Lucky Dube began to sing Julie, Julie.
Julie got out of the passenger seat, her face somewhere between amused and worried as I began to sing with the lyrics.
I looked like a fool, I knew that. Snapping my fingers as I came toward her singing, “I wanna know my future with a girl named Julie.”
I saw Liam leaning against his car, smiling at my stupid attempt to get back in Julie's graces by singing one of the weirdest songs with her name in it.
None of that mattered as I sang the lyrics I had memorized in the endeavor, and got down on my knees in front of Julie, holding her hand. She smiled at me, and then laughed as I sang, “Julie, Julie, Julie, oh girl.”
When the song ended, I looked up at her. “Forgive me?” I asked.
Julie didn't answer. It was always nicer when she just kissed me instead.
♥
Liam left us after we started kissing, and that was fine by both of us. It was always better not to have anyone peekin
g in. Kisses were sweeter that way.
The mix tape played itself over again as we laid in the bed of my truck. I made her put my jacket on because she looked cold, and she didn't object. If anything, she looked pleased to have gotten into my jacket, and then, into my arms.
We stared up at the stars, and I cursed myself about not bringing a blanket. Julie didn't seem to mind. She looked more comfortable just laying there with me, hugging against my body, and pointing out constellations that I wasn't sure were real. After she tried to tell me that one was a half dog/half cat, I squeezed her tightly.
“You’re just fooling around now,” I told her, and she laughed.
“No, I'm not. There really is a Catdog constellation,” she said.
I laughed, and softened my hold. I refused to let her go. I was going to hold onto her for as long as I could, before we were finally forced to go home.
“There isn't a Catdog constellation.”
“There's a TV show.”
“I know that!” I pointed out. “Doesn't mean they're in the stars.”
She shrugged. “The Rugrats are up there too. See? There's Tommy and Chucky, and look, there's Angelica and Cynthia-”
“You're such a liar,” I told her, and started tickling her. Julie laughed as she struggled against me.
“Stop it, jerk!” she yelled, and I did. She bit her lip as I challenged her.
“Jerk? Did you call me a jerk?”
“Don't do it, Falon. If you tickle me one more time-”
I never heard her threat. She was too busy laughing.
♥
“The first time was when I was twelve,” Julie told me, her fingers laced with mine. They moved up and down across my knuckles, then drawing lazy little circles around them. “I was put on the donor list after that, in search of a bone marrow, but no matches. After I started taking chemo and radiation, mom and dad decided to pull me out of school.”
“Too sick?”
“That, and people started picking on me,” she replied.
“On you? When you had cancer?” I asked. The idea sent shock waves through me, and I wanted to beat up these little twelve year old kids that hurt my Julie.
She nodded. “My hair had fallen out. To a bunch of middle school girls, that's not attractive, so my disease made me a disease, and no one wanted to be around me. It was like they thought they'd catch it if they were around me too long,” she replied.
I knew her pain. I thought back to when I had told her about my experience, when she hadn’t told me about hers, but I knew she understood, because I felt it.
“Kids are dicks,” I told her.
Julie laughed and squeezed me tighter. “Always the poet. You have such a way with words,” she told me.
I smiled, resting my head against hers. “What can I say? You bring it out of me,” I reminded her.
I knew she was smiling. I knew it by the way her face felt against my chest. How warm she felt against me. I just knew her smiles, and when they were there, and when they weren't.
“So, you got pulled out of school. . .”
“Yeah, and I started with mom trying to teach me, and then went to doing it myself. Mom didn't like me being at the house by myself though, on those days I didn't have a doctor's appointment or anything else, so I started going to the hospital with her.
“That was when I started going into the playroom. I was the oldest in there, so the kids at the time immediately looked up to me, and when my cancer went into remission, I just started going everyday.”
Julie turned over, to lay on her back, but her head was still on my arm. I could see her face better that way, and I stared at the way the moonlight casted a silver lining along her profile.
“I met Liam when him and some of his friends were vandalizing all of the toys and such. Liam didn't hear me-”
“He told me. He said his jerk friends couldn't tell him that you were coming, and when you did, you talked him down. He said he could have gotten away, but after that, he was with you everywhere,” I told her.
Julie laughed, and it looked wonderful across her face. “Could have gotten away? Sure. I would have beat him to a pulp,” she told me, smacking her fist into her other hand.
I laughed.
“What, you don't believe me?” she challenged.
“No, I'm laughing because I do. Remember the arcade?”
She blushed slightly, and I was merely glad for the color. She had looked so pale the last few hours, color was welcomed and appreciated.
“He called you a freak.”
“Didn't mean you had to go all superwoman and punch the guy.”
“That wasn't superwoman. That was Buffy,” she replied, shrugging slightly.
I laughed again. “You're stuck on the nineties TV shows tonight, aren't you?” I asked.
She shook her head, propping herself up on her elbows. “No, it's just true. Superwoman is used. Buffy is a lot stronger, and she punches big guys when they mess with people she loves,” she told me.
The smile was evident, and she knew why. “Did you love me then?” I asked, but I already knew the answer.
“Did you love me then?” she asked me, touching my nose.
I nodded, without thinking at all. It was as much the truth as anything in my soul. “I think I started loving you when you fell on the floor and started laughing,” I told her.
Julie smiled, and tilted her head. “Are you sure about that?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I am. I just have a weird way of showing it,” I replied, and Julie rolled her eyes with a small laugh.
“I know that's the truth,” she replied.
“Don't make me tickle you again.”
She looked like she might challenge me, and then she smiled and laid back down. “Okay. Anyway, mom and dad adopted Liam, I started dating Thad, and then when I was almost sixteen, it came back. Thad died while I was finishing up my chemo, and it was on his birthday that the doctor said it went back into remission,” she said.
I ran my hands over her hair, which I realized was cut short because it hadn't been long since it had started growing back. I liked her hair, and it didn't matter.
“And then, one day, I saw this boy in the hall, and he was wearing a Roll Tide tee, and frowning as if the world was out to eat him, and everything around him was black. And I thought, I could love that boy,” she said, staring at me with those light green eyes of hers. She smiled softly. “And as I was realizing this, I tripped and fell, and the jerk just kept walking, even after all my attempts to get him to stop. So, I had to play stalker/matchmaker and find him, pretend to be a nurse, agree to be his teacher, punch a guy in the face, kiss him and yell at him, push him and terrorize him until he finally opened those lovely blue eyes of his and fell in love with me, or at least admitted it,” she said, biting her lip.
“That was a lot of work,” I told her.
“Well, you're worth it.”
I pulled her toward me, and kissed her, not because of her declaration of love, but because she needed to be kissed, and I needed to kiss her. I kissed her because she was Julie, and she was here. Because not kissing her seemed like torture.
“Knowing everything I know now, I wouldn't have changed a thing,” I told her when I pulled back. “I wouldn't trade a day with you for anything in this world,” I told her.
“Even though this could be it? Three strikes, you're out?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Even if this is it, and I don't have you for much longer, I'd rather have this, the pain, the loss, than not have you at all. I'd rather fight by your side, and love you and not end up growing old with you, than leave you and know I didn't even try. You are my forever, Julie. I wouldn't give that up for anything,” I told her.
She wiped under her eyes and then choked a laugh. “How long did it take you to think that one up, Shakespeare?” she asked.
I took her hand, and I placed it against the center of my chest. I smiled. “Came straight from there. That little place that you liv
e in,” I told her.
She clutched my shirt. “Your heart? Because I think that's-”
“No,” I said impatiently. “My soul, Julie. I think it's somewhere around there,” I said as she started to laugh softly.
“So, I'm part of your soul?”
I nodded.
Julie smiled, and in that, I saw that forever I was talking about. I saw my forever with her, whether on this earth, or someplace better. Somewhere that there was no pain or loss, just love.
♥
I took Julie home not too long afterward, but her parents weren't angry that it was close to midnight. I guess, when your kid might be close to dying, the curfew rules stretch a little.
As I was leaving, Mr. Michaels stopped me, and he wrapped me in a tight hug. I let him, knowing why he was. When he pulled away, he looked like he might cry, but was refusing to.
“Thank you, for coming back,” he told me.
I felt myself close to a breakdown, and forced it away as I gave him a smile. “I told you, sir. I couldn't leave your daughter,” I replied. I said it because it was true, and he knew that.
♥
Sisters don't give you much problems when your girlfriend, whom she loves almost as much as you do (almost), is sick. The only question she asks is if you are dating again.
When you tell her you never really stopped, she smiles and brings you the tray of brownies she fixed because she was nervous. Chocolate is good for broken-hearts, and mushy love sickness.
♥
That night, when it was time to close my eyes and go to sleep, I knew I wouldn't have a problem. I knew what was to come, and I knew the risks. All of it was overshadowed by the reward.
I closed my eyes, and I thanked the Lord. I felt Him then. Those days when I felt alone, were gone. I felt Him, and He was there, holding my hand through this period.
Just like He was holding hers.
♥
I couldn't go into any of Julie's appointments at first, but I always went there, waiting in the waiting room, and flipping through magazines. I was caught up with who was dating who, and who was fighting with who over a role, or a style. The beautiful people had serious problems.
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