“And you don't feel selfish for wanting to keep me here because you'll be nothing?” she asked.
“No, I don't. I love you, and I think you're being selfish for wanting to leave so badly,” I told her, releasing her hands.
Julie was crying again, but it was out of frustration. She was torn. “I'm tired, Falon. I'm tired of the pain, and hurting people that I love. I'm just delaying the inevitable, and if I could just die, then everyone wouldn't hurt so bad, because eventually you would move on,” she told me. Her voice came out in pathetic whimpers, and gasps.
But I was angry, because everything she said both hurt and infuriated me. “Move on? I would never be able to just move on if you weren't here,” I told her.
Julie sat down on the curb of the sidewalk. The sound of the cars passing us buzzed in my ears, but they were already hearing sounds magnified. I thought I could hear every organ of mine pumping and pulsing in my ears.
“With the transplant, there is a chance we will never have to deal with this again. It could all be over, Julie,” I told her.
“What makes you think I even deserve that?” she asked, looking up. Her cheeks and eyes were still wet, but an eerie calm had also washed over her.
“Why wouldn't you?” I asked.
She shrugged, shaking her head. “I survived. I got cancer, and I lived. And then I got cancer again, and I made it through that too. And then you came along, and everything made sense, and life was perfect, and then that stupid disease comes back, and this time, I have real reasons for why I don't want to die. But then, I also think that life can't get any better than it is when I'm with you,” she said, looking at me.
Her green eyes, were scared, and they were here, staring at me in pain. “What if I'm asking for more than I'm suppose to have? I can honestly tell you, and it might hurt you but it's the truth, that if I was to die, I wouldn't regret anything. Having you in my life has made everything that much harder,” she told me.
I found myself kneeling down. I sat down on the curb with her and I took her hand in mine. Her words did hurt, because they were true.
“You can't just give up though. I know it's hard for you, but there's still so much you haven't done with your life,” I told her, and I saw a ghost of a smile cross her face.
“Worried about my virginity?” she asked.
“No! I'm worried about mine!” I told her immediately, and she started laughing. “What desperate girl will I find to sleep with me if you're not here?” I asked, and basked in the sound of her laugh.
“So, now I'm desperate?”
“If you resorted to being my girlfriend, you are.”
She smiled, and bit her lip. For a moment, she was quiet. Then, she softly shrugged. “That's the first time you called me your girlfriend,” she replied.
I shrugged. “I think it's kind of more serious than that, Julie. One day, I want you to be my fiance, and then my wife. And after that, I want to make little red headed babies with you, and get a couple dogs and a cat, and grow old with you,” I told her.
Julie gave me a look that was somewhere between amused, and a glare. “Now you're trying to make me feel bad,” she replied.
I shook my head, and only because I was now seeing her, the way way she was seeing things. “No, I'm just being honest about what I want. I would love nothing more than to get in my old truck, turn on Julie, Julie and look over in the passenger seat to see you smiling at me. But, I also just want you to know that no matter how bad everything gets, if you refuse to do the transplant, or if you do and things go wrong, I want to be here. I want to walk beside you for the rest of your life, and mine,” I told her.
She smiled at that, and I felt her squeezing my hand. “I wonder if you would have said any of that if I was still healthy,” she replied.
I nodded, looking shocked. “Of course I would. When we were old and dying, holding hands in a nursing home-”
“We're not living the Notebook,” she replied, then laughed slightly.
“Okay, when we're old and headed for a spaceship so we can live forever with the alien people,” I replied.
She actually looked confused. “What?”
“Cocoon? Don't tell me you've never watched Cocoon?” I replied.
Slowly, she shook her head.
I scoffed, shaking my head disapprovingly at her. “For someone who says she has watched all the best movies, you've never seen Cocoon? We're watching it tonight. My house, six o'clock, me, you, and the TV,” I told her.
Julie laughed as she leaned up against me. “I think I'd actually like that. Our house gets depressing lately,” she replied.
I knew why. It was lacking brightness now that the brightness was sick. That, and she was always in her room.
“If you're feeling okay, why don't you go to the hospital tomorrow with Liam and I? You can just hang out, and we'll do everything,” I told her.
Julie nodded. “I'd like that. And you can buy me an Icee before you take me home,” she replied.
“Deal.”
♥
When we got back to the parking lot, Julie's mom was waiting, and she looked nervous until Julie grabbed her in a hug. I saw her sigh in relief, but even she knew I hadn't convince Julie to go through with the transplant.
So, she would continue chemo and radiation. Julie agreed to that, but I knew the thought going through her head. She would do it, but it wouldn't help.
I went home after we got back so Julie could sleep. She texted me when I got home, while I was cleaning, and asked if I thought Ava would be okay with her spending the night.
One phone call, and two hours later, I was driving to Julie's house to pick her and an overnight bag up.
“If you're going to have sex-”
“Ava, Julie's waiting till marriage,” I told her quickly.
Ava considered it, and then shrugged. “Yeah, I think she will. Never mind,” she replied. I didn't take the 'not worried' attitude as an insult. It was perfectly fine by me.
Julie rode beside me, happier than I had seen her in a while. Since before the diagnoses. She was bright, and cheerful, and she wasn't acting sick, and I wanted to remain this way forever.
When we got home, I ordered pizza, and Julie and I sat in front of the TV and watched Cocoon (which Julie found both sad and funny) and then we turned on The Breakfast Club, because Julie was obsessed with Molly Ringwald.
But we didn't really watched it, Julie and I spent most of the time talking, and laughing, and that resulted to us kissing. The kissing resulted to Julie laying against the arm of the chair, and me over her.
It was probably the most promiscuous of positions we had ever gotten ourselves into. It didn't really go through my mind that Ava could walk in and go crazy, because I was so focused on Julie.
Also, knowing that it wouldn't go any farther, I knew when to stop, and if I didn't, Julie did. Nothing was going to happen between us, and that was fine. Kissing her, and holding her was enough.
But there was something different about the way Julie kissed me. The way her hands were feeling along my back, beneath my shirt, how her fingertips were leaving static trails everywhere they touched.
I wasn't sure about her self-control, but she was making me lose mine.
And then, just as fast as our innocent kissing had turned into that faded grayness between sensual and sexual, it all stopped. I opened my eyes, and moved my face a few inches above hers.
Julie looked at me, for a moment, confused. She was confused over why I had stopped, and then it seemed to hit her about what we had been doing, and then, her eyes followed mine. Her face changed to the hurt and pain I knew it would.
In my hand, I held a small clump of her hair.
“I bet that's a first,” Julie said, and suddenly, she was scrambling to get out from under me. She was desperate to move, and she was embarrassed. Most of all, she was in pain, and I knew if I let her go, I might not get her back.
“Julie, stop,” I told her. I moved enough so she cou
ld sit up, but I didn't allow her to leave. I couldn't.
She looked at me, and then she shook her head. “I'm sorry. It's the treatments. They always-”
“I know, and it's okay. It's just hair,” I told her.
Julie covered her face, and she breathed in deeply. “I don't know why I'm acting like this. This isn't the first time. You'd think I'd be an expert in the cancer area by now,” she said.
I took her hands in mine, and moved them from her face. She was trying her best not to cry. She had been crying so much lately, I knew she was trying to get a grip on herself, but her tears weren't something to keep in. They didn't make her weak.
An amazing girl once read me a quote from Jane Eyre that said tears had always been a sign that you were alive.
“You're scared,” I told her.
“Uh, duh,” she countered, smiling sadly.
I laughed and rubbed my thumbs over the tops of her hands. “You said you were okay with dying, but I don't think you were being too honest. That's why you're scared,” I told her.
Julie met my eyes. “I just don't want to keep going through this. Guys aren't suppose to make out with their girlfriends and pull out clumps of her hair,” she said.
She was still trying to keep things light, and teasing, but we both knew that it was rare when things were that way anymore. It had become almost as unseen as the Lochness Monster.
“That doesn't bother me. I love you. I'd love you even if you looked like I do,” I told her.
Julie was smiling softly, and she reached forward to touch my face. I could feel her tracing my burns with her fingers, lightly caressing them the way she would have if it were plain skin.
“You're beautiful,” she told me. There was a serene look that crossed her face. “I could never love anyone the way I love you,” she then said, and the statement hurt.
It hurt because she was still willing to allow her cancer to kill her. It hurt because it was the exact same way that I felt about her. No one would ever come close. No love would ever be good enough from this moment on.
But, this wasn't the time to start the argument all over again. This was the time to be strong for her, and be fearless.
“So are you, whether you have hair, or not,” I told her. “I'll love you even if you have to wear a bubblegum toupee.”
She laughed, and ran her palm over my head. “I just don't want to let it take it from me, you know? I'm just tired of my cancer taking everything from me,” she said, then shrugged. “I just wish cancer would get cancer and die.”
I smiled, but a thought hit me, and I told her to wait a moment. I had to search the bathroom, but beneath the sink, it was still there. I grabbed the black, plastic box, and went back into the living room.
Sitting beside her. Julie stared at it with confusion, until I opened it. I saw her gasp softly, as if the idea suddenly made perfect sense, and I had presented a miracle to her.
“Let's not allow it to take it from you. Let me,” I told her.
Julie looked up, and her eyes were wet as she leaned forward and kissed me. It was one of those kisses that hold no sexual tension, only love. The kind an old man gives his old wife after fifty years of marriage.
“Do it,” she said, and in those two simple words, we went into the kitchen, and I began shaving her hair. We both watched in silence as each red strand fell to the floor, and not because the cancer had taken it from her. We watched as we took back the control, and cancer didn't win.
And when I was done, and Julie turned around, her head nearly smooth, just skin, my chest tightened. I saw the streaks that her tears had left, but I saw the fire too. She was burning inside with fight, and she wasn't down for the count yet.
“Still love me?” she asked, running her hand over her skin. She did so in a way that made me think she was nervous. The way I felt when I wanted to know Julie wasn't scared of my burns. The way you want the person you're in love with be okay with your faults, but are worried they won't.
“Forever, Julie.”
♥
We had cleaned up the hair and clippers by the time Ava got home, but she still looked at us with surprise when she walked in. She stared at Julie, and then she smiled.
“You're beautiful,” she told her, and I watched the tear slide down her face. Ava was real emotional like that.
Julie smiled, and she cuddled closer to me. “So I've been told,” she replied, looking up at me.
“It's the truth.”
Ava smiled, and she set her purse down. “I don't know if you wear them, but if you need hats, or scarves, I have plenty,” she told us.
I nodded, rolling my eyes. “Ava has a hat obsession, but she never wears them She just stares at them and puts them on every so often, then takes them off and hides them in the closet,” I told her.
The glare Ava shot me was well deserved. “Says the guy that collects coins. At least my collection is fashionable,” she replied.
“You collect coins?” Julie asked.
I shrugged slightly. “I think their cool. You should see the Buffalo nickels I have,” I told her, and knew the sound of geekiness in my voice by the look of amusement in hers.
“I didn't know I was dating a real nerd,” she said, and Ava started laughing. The glare I shot her was deserved too. “I wouldn't mind a scarf though, if you can let go of one,” she replied.
Ava looked happy. “Of course. Come on,” she said, beckoning Julie to her room. Julie left behind her and I heard them laughing in the other room. Before that, I was going to just wait, but knowing my sister could be telling Julie hugely embarrassing stories about me, I got up and stood in the doorway.
Julie put on the black fedora my sister had tossed out, and she turned to me with a debonair smile. “Don't I just look fancy?” she asked.
I laughed. “Very. You look like an assassin,” I told her.
Julie nodded, and then finger shot me. I feigned injuries as Julie blew the smoke from the end of her finger. “Just call me Julie 'the bald' Michaels,” she said with a grin.
I just smiled and watched her as Ava would hand her a scarf or hat, and Julie would model it for me. She would grin at me and tease me, laying the hat against my head.
She asked me my opinion, but personally I preferred just her. Just skin. There was nothing better than the strong, beautiful Julie that I saw when her hair was gone, and it was just her.
But I didn't tell her that, because Ava and Julie would have ripped me a new one. They would have joked about it, and I didn't want that to be a joke to Julie.
I'd rather see her, playing dress up with wacky hats than crying. I'd rather see her happy and joking than return to that serious place, where she was hurt and scared.
She didn't take any hats, except for a ski hat that Ava had. She took two scarves, a bright red one, and a white one. Then, we helped Ava clean up the hat mess in her room.
Ava said she was going to bed, so we left, and went to my room. Julie went into the bathroom to change and brush her teeth. After she came out, I went in the bathroom.
I stared at the burnt guy in the mirror. I looked at the burns on his face, and the blue eyes that were centered in them. They were still alien, still foreign.
And then I looked at the smile, and I knew things were okay.
♥
“I think this has become my favorite thing,” Julie said softly. She was curled in my arms, her head on my chest, her feet against mine. Her fingers traced tiny circles on my shirt.
“Sleeping?” I asked.
I heard her laugh. It was soft, sweet.
“With you. I like laying beside you, knowing when I open my eyes, you'll be there,” she told me gently.
I smiled. “I like waking up to you too,” I told her.
“Do you think it'll scare you when you wake up tomorrow and remember I'm bald?” she asked.
“No. Nothing can scare me when it come to you,” I told her.
“You don't think I look disgusting?”
I moved to see her face, and I saw nothing but beauty. I knew what she was referring to, but I honestly wasn't disgusted when I looked at Julie. I felt pity, because she didn't deserve to be placed in this position, but no disgust.
“No. I think you look like a warrior. You're so beautiful, and strong. Besides, we're suppose to be lovely,” I replied.
She laughed and hugged herself closer to me. “You are lovely. You have a lovely body,” she said, her finger tracing my shirt again. It slowly moved to the center of my chest. “And a lovely soul.”
“I didn't know those could be lovely.”
“Yours is,” she said quickly, looking to me. “You have a beautiful soul.”
“So do you.”
“Damaged goods,” Julie said with a smile. “Our souls are always beautiful. They've had to fight, when they shouldn't have. They had to be both weak and strong. Our souls are tough,” she said softly.
“Our souls are one,” I told her, kissing her forehead. “Me and you. That won't ever change.”
She sighed in content and rested against me again. She was quiet for a while, and then I heard her soft voice. She was at the edge of sleep.
“Forever?” she said.
“Forever,” I replied.
♥
The next day, we went to the hospital. When we came in, Liam and Hilary were already there, setting up. Hilary tapped Liam on the shoulder, and he turned to look at us.
The smile that crossed his face was bright and joyful. “Hello, lovebirds,” he greeted, taking a moment to look at Julie. His smile became a little softer. “Lookin' good, Sketch.”
Julie smiled and shrugged. “I figured let's try something new,” she replied with confidence, but I knew it was still made her nervous. She ran her hand over her head to make herself feel better.
Hilary pulled at Liam's arm. “What's new? Liam? Blind over here?” Hilary said impatiently.
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