“He never uses it anyway,” Carmel interrupted. “I come in the morning and they’ve left cups and plates all over the coffee table. Pizza boxes everywhere. If Christopher had a dog, he would be very fat.”
“I am trying to make a good impression here,” I said to her in Spanish and she laughed.
“There is something about this girl, no?” she replied in kind.
“No,” I said firmly. “She’s just my friend’s sister. I’m doing her a favour.”
“Oh, yes a favour,” she chuckled knowingly.
“Yes, just a favour,” I replied just as I heard Amber cry, “A-ha!” from behind us.
I turned and saw she was shaking her phone. Finally she shrugged and shoved it in her pocket.
“Ah, no admirers, mija,” Carmel said to her.
Amber snorted and I watched her wrinkle her nose. “No. Thank God. But it is dead. Again. Although, the only person I might want to talk to is Pat and he seems averse to the things.”
“Pat is Hawk, yes?” Carmel asked as she dished up breakfast.
“Yes,” I answered.
“There’s a definite resemblance between you two. With the hair–”
“She’s got her great-grandfather’s eyes,” I said, knowing what always came next.
Amber and Hawk both had the sandy blond hair of their mum. But where Hawk’s eyes were a shade between both parents’ brown, Amber’s were a blue that was almost violet. The family story was that their dad’s grandfather had had violet eyes that charmed all the ladies. Hawk’s suspicion was that his mum had an affair. But that was only after a few drinks and a few too many deaths. We’d never spoken about it again, but I’d never forgotten it.
Amber tucked her hair behind her ear subconsciously and, for the first time since I’d met Carmel, I wanted her gone. I wanted to know if my theory about Amber was right – the self-conscious thing, not the me imagining things thing. Although I had no idea how I was going to test it.
I didn’t know what it was about Amber that morning, but I saw something in her I’d never seen before. Maybe it was because she’d never actually looked at me before. Maybe it was because we’d said more words that morning than I think we ever had in our whole lives. Maybe it was because I still felt her fingers on my bare skin like a persistent tingle. Maybe it was because I wanted her to not actually hate me so much that I was willing to imagine any other possibility. No matter how horrible.
“All right,” Carmel sighed. “Anything I can do for you before I go, then?”
I blinked and realised there were two plates and two mugs of coffee in front of me. I smiled and shook my head. “No, that’s plenty. Go and visit your nephews.”
Carmel chuckled and waved me forward. I leant over the counter and let her kiss my cheeks the way she often did. “Lovely to meet you, Miss Amber. Leave your washing and a shopping list for me. I’ll see you tomorrow if you’re here.”
Amber scoffed. “Ah, I’ll no doubt be making more mess on Kit’s dining table.”
“That is a lot of paper.”
Amber pushed her glasses up her nose and folded her arms around herself. “It’s for my thesis.”
“Oh, you’re studying?”
Amber nodded. “PhD. Arthurian legend and classical romance.” She gave that nod again.
Carmel looked at me. “A smart girl here.”
I nodded at her. “Yes. Crazy smart. Always has been. Never fell for any of our jokes.”
“Your ‘jokes’ were so obvious,” Amber laughed. “No one was falling for them.”
I looked to her and her smile shrunk. But it was still there, just more hesitant. The look in her eyes was soft and questioning. Again I felt her fingers on my skin and relived that moment of tension that had nothing to do with me worrying she hated me. In fact, it was the exact opposite. But I pushed it away.
“Let me walk you out,” she said to Carmel, and I got cutlery out of the drawer while they went to the front door chatting.
I pulled myself onto one of the bar stools and set up the plates.
I heard an in-drawn breath and looked up to see Amber, half-frowning and paused like she’d been about to say something.
“What?” I asked her, indicating she sit down.
She practically had to climb up onto the barstool next to me. Once she was settled, she snuck a look at me. “No. Nothing. I just would have assumed you’d need to be at work by now.”
I should have been. But it was a slow morning so I was going to take the time to try and peel away one of her infinite layers – if Nico could do it, it couldn’t be that hard. Could it? Perhaps I’d just realise she really did just hate me. I was definitely, in no way thinking anything inappropriate about her.
I shrugged. “It’s not that late.”
She nodded as she started eating. “I guess.”
“How’s the study going?” I asked.
She looked at me out of the corner of her eye. “Fine.”
I smirked, hoping to elicit another of those smiles. “Fine?”
“Fine.” She nodded and seemed to fight a smile. A smile I was suddenly desperate to see again.
I looked at my plate in the hopes she wouldn’t notice. “Hawk told us about Champers Day. Tank wanted us all to celebrate with you on Sunday.”
She didn’t say anything so I looked up and found her smirking. She was looking me right in the eye and I felt an excitement I didn’t usually feel. I told myself it was only accomplishment. But there was this challenge and question and humour in her eyes I found it hard to ignore.
“What?” I asked, my own smile threatening to break through.
“Why do you lot not have normal names? Chaos, Hawk, Tank?”
“Rollie and Nico,” I finished and she laughed.
“I actually feel sorry for Nico. Unless he was born Reginald or something?”
I looked down at my plate as I smiled. “No. He was born Nicholas.”
“He seemed really nice. Who did he friendly fire to not get a nickname?”
I was enjoying this side of her. I didn’t know what had brought it out. But I’d never seen it directed at me before and I was enjoying it. Knowing I was the one who was making her smile – okay, maybe at Nico’s expense – was a singular feeling after all those years of indifference. Do you know how hard it is on a guy when he feels like he has to choose between his best mate and his little sister? I could see the strain it had taken on Hawk over the years and, if I could remedy it, then I would. All that other stuff that was all in my head would get over itself.
“Ah, well. Nico does have a nickname.”
Her eyes widened and she looked at me expectantly. “What is it? I have never heard Pat use it.”
I grinned. “We only use it over comms.” Or when we were making salacious jokes at his expense, obviously.
“Why? Is it scandalous?” she gasped, her eyes shining brighter than I’d ever seen them.
I shook my head as I sat back with my coffee. “We used to call him Overlord. He’s always been the tech guy, usually at base, barking instructions at us over the comms and the name kinda stuck. But over time, that unfortunately shortened to O Lord–”
She snorted. And, evidenced by the fact her hand flew to her face, I think she lost a little coffee along with that. She stared at me, eyes wide and inquisitive, her hand still over the lower part of her face. I nodded, enjoying this moment between us.
“Oh, yes. The jokes became endless. Between Rollie moaning at him over comms and your brother counting off how many orgasms he had with each bullseye… Well we save that stuff for jobs, now. Give Nico some respite.”
“Because I’m sure you’re far too sensible for orgasm jokes,” she said teasingly.
I kicked my head to the side. “Of course. Orgasms aren’t a joking matter. I thought, as a woman, you’d take these things more seriously,” I teased.
Weirdly, she shrugged and pushed her glasses up her nose before pic
king up her coffee mug. “I don’t know that I qualify for a vote to be honest,” she said before taking a sip.
I blinked and watched her for a few seconds. “What? Why?”
“I would assume only the O Lords minions got a vote in whether orgasms are to be joked about or not.”
I was still confused. Was she referring to Nico now or…? “Are you saying you’ve never had an orgasm?” I blurted out like a complete numpty.
Her cheeks coloured and it was something like the third time ever I’d seen them do that. She cleared her throat and put down her mug. “Uh. Yeah.”
“You’ve been with the wrong guys, Amber,” I scoffed.
She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and snuck a look at me. “I technically haven’t been with any guys, Christopher.”
My mouth dropped open and I stared at her.
She was twenty-three and she wasn’t unattractive. How was she still a virgin? I mean, the geek thing was a little lost on me. Always had been. Until this week when I still didn’t get the geek think but I got the Amber thing. But to never have…? And to not even have…? Even by herself…?
“What?” I spluttered.
She shrugged nonchalantly, but there was some of that self-consciousness in her. “I thought it was common knowledge.”
“Common knowledge?” I laughed, but there was no real humour in it. “You think Hawk talks to us about that stuff?”
She shrugged and wouldn’t look at me again. I reached out to her and put my finger under her chin. She let me turn her head to face me and I tried to catch her eyes.
“Amber, I swear he’s never mentioned it.”
Her eyes flew up to mine and the breath was knocked out of me for a moment. I couldn’t remember a time we’d ever looked at each other in the eye, and now we’d gone and done it twice in one morning. I’d seen her eyes plenty, but she’d always been avidly not looking at mine. Now though. Now she wasn’t just looking at me, she was staring into my eyes and I saw something in there I’d wanted to see. But now I’d seen it, I wished I hadn’t. Even if it did take my mind off thinking about her fingers on my ribs.
Something was hurting her and it tugged on something in me. I didn’t know how I was going to help her. I just knew I had to try.
“Amber…?” I said softly.
Her eyes widened for a moment and she pulled away, clearing her throat and pushing up her glasses; an action I was starting to see as defensive. “Yeah?” she asked as she went back to her breakfast.
I didn’t know how or where to start. “How are you doing?”
She threw me a look. “You a shrink now?”
I huffed. “No. And I know we’ve never really…”
“Spoken. Acknowledged each other. Got along?” she offered and I had serious déjà vu. But she’d lost some tension and the rueful humour was back in her eyes.
“Fuck, you’re your brother’s sister,” I muttered.
“What?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. All that. But I’m here if you need anything.”
She looked me over and I wondered what she saw now.
When Hawk and I had been teenagers, we hadn’t given her the best example. We’d gone out late, we’d hooked up with girls all over the place, we drank, we smoked, we were your typical early 2000s juvenile try-hard delinquents. As we got older, not a lot had changed I guessed. Our sleeping habits hadn’t got any better, we slept with as many women as we could get our hands on, we drank, we didn’t really smoke anymore. The only thing that had really changed was that we were now deadly with multiple weapons and forms of combat. Oh, and we had money to waste on our varied and numerous vices.
I couldn’t really have said what image that gave her of me. And what my offer did to that image. Did she think I was just pandering, being facetious? Did she know I was being honest, that I would do anything for me and mine? Sure, she wasn’t technically mine. Because I wasn’t allowed to even consider thinking that way. But she was of mine so same difference really. Happy sister, happy brother.
Slowly, she nodded. “Thanks, Kit. I’m… Going to be okay. I have my thesis to work on. I have a Carmel now. I’m good.”
I searched her eyes before she looked away. “Okay. Well, offer stands.”
She nodded. “Sure. Thanks.”
I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay and work out what was going on in her head. I wanted to stop my best mate’s little sister hurting. But I had a job. A job which let me invite her to stay and be taken care of. So I kind of needed to make sure I didn’t lose it. Not that I’d be fired. But our clients could piss off if we pissed them off.
“Your brother will no doubt beat the crap out of me if I’m much later,” I said, pushing myself up. “I’ll see you later.”
Amber looked up at me and nodded. “Sure. No worries.”
“Have a good day.”
“You too, Kit.” She gave me a smile and I nodded before I headed out.
My day and the next were the same as usual. I had self-entitled clients wanting things we weren’t obliged to give them, there were bank issues because always, there were legitimate threats to clients we had to deal with. I’d had to have a couple of fights with some guys and I’d got more blood on my shirt that Carmel was going to kill me over if I didn’t remember to soak it.
Still I got home in the wee hours of Friday morning. I walked in to most of the lights off, so I’d guessed Amber was in already in bed. As I walked past the table, I stopped to see what pattern she’d put her notes in that day. I had no idea if it was a way to measure her progress, but I knew she’d been busy based on the fact that everything would be spread out in a different way.
I was just about to move into my bedroom when I heard her screaming. Panic lanced through me and I was halfway to her room before I noticed what I was doing.
7
Amber
I felt hands on my shoulders.
“No!” I yelled and sat up. I had to get away. “No!” I had to get away.
“Amber?” a voice I recognised cut through the frantic beating of my heart and the wild noise in my head.
I realised I was still in bed. As I took in my surroundings, I registered Kit was sitting beside me, his face full of worry. He was still dressed so he mustn’t have been home long. I blinked and looked into those rich brown eyes.
“Amber? Are you okay?” he asked me.
I nodded, but I noticed I was still shaking. That desperate need to have a shower, to be clean, clawed at me as the fragments of memory combined with the leftovers of my dream and made me feel sick. I was cold and hot all at the same time.
“Are you sure?”
I nodded again but felt like I was going to throw up. I ran to the bathroom and just got to the toilet as I gagged. But nothing came out. I panted heavily, not sure if I was still going to be sick or not.
“What’s wrong? What can I do?” Kit asked, dropping beside me.
I shook my head at him. “It’ll pass.”
“This has happened before.” It wasn’t a question.
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak yet.
It had happened before. It had been a regular occurrence for years. But after years of therapy and medication, it had finally gone away and I’d thought I’d seen the end of it. Apparently all the avoiding of my issues the last few days had dredged it all back up again.
“What do you need?” Kit asked.
I needed a shower. I needed water. I needed more sleep than I’d been letting myself have. I needed Kit to stop being…whatever he’d been this last week.
Kit had never been kind or sweet or funny. He’d been brooding and sexy and angry. But this week he was nothing like that. He exuded everything that screamed bad boy under those suits, but like he had a squishy soft centre in the middle. And that I couldn’t handle. I was barely reminding my lungs and brain not to go to mush around him, I didn’t need my heart threatening to do the same.
&nb
sp; “Amber, what can I do?”
I couldn’t answer. My heart was threatening to pound out of my chest and I felt like I was about to stop breathing. And neither of those things currently had anything to do with Kit. I pushed myself up on shaky legs and took a step towards the shower. But my stupid legs buckled. Kit, of course, was there to catch me with those stupidly strong arms.
“Tell me how to help,” he pleaded.
“Shower,” I wheezed, my skin crawling. It would take everything I had not to scrub my skin raw from head to toe.
He nodded, reached over to drop the toilet seat and lid, and directed me to sit on it. “We’re going to do this together, okay?” he said in calm, comforting tones. “I’m just going to take off my jacket,” he said slowly as he did so and we both ignored him taking off his holster, “my tie, my belt, my shoes… And my socks…” He crouched in front of me and kept speaking calmly and comfortingly. “You okay?” I nodded. “Good. Now, I’m going to turn on the water. Just shake or nod in answer. Do you want it cold?” I shook. “Tepid?” Another shake. “Warm?” Another shake. “Hot?” I nodded. “Good. Sit tight and I’ll be back in just a second, okay?”
I nodded again and tried hard to focus on reminding myself that each breath was not my last. He got up slowly and went to turn the water on. Then he was back and helping me stand up.
“You okay to walk?” he asked and I nodded.
He helped me into the shower and got in with me, still in his suit pants and shirt. My legs buckled again and he caught me again.
“Shall we sit?” he asked softly and I nodded yet again. “Okay. I’ll sit, then your turn.”
One more nod.
He dropped down and held his hands out to me. I was on autopilot. I took his hands and let him settle me in his lap, his arms tightly around me like he could protect me from the world. I curled up against him, feeling an inordinate amount of comfort from the steady beating of his heart against my cheek.
“Your brother was a right tosser today, you know,” he said in that calm, comforting voice as he leant his cheek on my head. “He hid Nico’s tablet, which freaked the poor nerd out well and truly. Then he lumped his client on me which meant I had to send Tank to mine when he should have been taking a class…”
Chaos & the Geek (Grace Grayson Security Book 1) Page 7