by E. C. Land
On the drive back to the house, I glance over to Cleo several times, seeing her staring out the window while rubbing her hands nervously against her jeans.
“Lavender, babe,” I say, gaining her attention. When she looks at me, I reach over, grabbing her hand. I feel her tense as I hold her hand in mine and I squeeze it. “You don’t need to be nervous around me. I swear I’d never hurt you, Lave. I’d take a fuckin’ bullet to the chest before ever laying a hand on you.” The sound of Cleo’s breath catching on a sob sends a knife into my gut.
We don’t say another word throughout the rest of the ride. Both lost in our own thoughts. My mind keeps going back and forth between the past with all the shit my sister went through causing her to kill herself, moving forward to what Cleo’s going through now. In my heart, I know they’re two different scenarios, but my head keeps putting them together. Combining everything my sister dealt with to Cleo’s. Only, it’s not my sister’s face but Cleo’s.
As we pull into the driveway, I shake the negative thoughts out of my head, needing to prepare myself for what Cleo may or may not say.
Whatever she says, I’ll be here for her. She’s more than my woman. Cleo’s my life; hell, this woman is the air I fuckin’ need to survive this world.
7
Cleo
My heart clinches at Rage’s words. I don’t know what to say right now, so I simply nod my head. Getting out of the truck, I follow him into the house. Again, taking everything in. I’m still having a hard time believing he bought this place for us. My stomach turns in knots at the knowledge of him and I being a family. There’s nothing more in this world I want. I’ve always wanted Rage, ever since the first time I met him. The connection between the two of us had been almost instant. I still feel what we’ve always had but after everything, I doubt he will want me. Especially once I tell him. He deserves to know it all.
“Come on, babe, you start pulling food out while I grab a blanket,” Rage says from behind me, guiding me into the living room. I take the Chinese food from him as he moves past me without saying a word. Kneeling down, I start pulling containers out. Doesn’t take him long to go get a blanket.
Sitting down, we both eat silently at first. I can’t stand the silence right now, not when I know he’s waiting for me to be the first to speak. I lean forward to grab my drink and clear my throat, getting Rage’s attention. I’m not stupid to think he wasn’t watching me. Taking a sip of my drink, I place it back down on the floor. Sitting up straight, I place my hands in my lap, keeping my eyes on Rage the entire time.
Clearing my throat once more, I open my mouth to speak. “You said I didn’t have to talk about anything serious, that it could even be about the weather. However, you need to hear this. You have to understand why we can’t be together,” I murmur, unshed tears forming in my eyes.
“Lavender, whatever you have to say won’t have any effect on the way I feel about you. I told you I’m not goin’ anywhere. I realize I fucked up when you were in the hospital by walking away, but at the time, I couldn’t do it. Not when my head kept flashing back to things I was unable to stop from happenin’. I felt I’d let you down like I had my own flesh and blood.” The anguish in his eyes as he speaks tells me how much he’s been hurting.
“We’ll see” is all I say before taking a breath to begin. “I’m going to start at the very beginning. Back when Lynsdey and I were in high school, she never wanted me to come to her house. We always met up somewhere else or she’d come to mine. Well, one day, I decided to go to her place and surprise her with a trip to the mall. When I’d gotten out of the car, screams could be heard from the woods. I knew it was Lynsdey’s voice, and without thinking, I took off running, not knowing what was going on. When I found her, Jake was looming over her. I didn’t know who he was at first, all I could see was my friend in trouble. So, I tackled him to the ground, trying to save my best friend. That was the day my life changed for the worse. Jake started stalking me. To this day, I’ll never understand why he targeted me. I mean, I don’t look like any of the other women who he raped. But he did. More than I care to admit.
“The first time Jake raped me, he told me if I ever spoke a word about what he was doing to me, he’d kill me.” I pause, taking a breath before moving on. “Skipping forward to when he took me, I’d been heading to the hospital after what happened to Lynsdey. I’d been lost in thought, thinking about every possibility of losing my best friend that I didn’t see the deer jump in front of my car. I swerved to miss it, hitting the ditch. Thankfully, the ditch wasn’t deep, and I’d been able to get out. But by the time I did, a car came up next to me. Looking over to see who pulled up, it was Jake and Sofia. I didn’t even get the car in drive before Jake was out of his and snatching me out of mine. He threw me in the back seat of the other car, ordering Sofia to take mine somewhere to hide it. Hell, I still don’t even know where my car is. Not that it really matters, the thing was a piece of shit.
“But anyway, he drove in silence to the shack. The moment he put the car in park, that’s when all hell broke loose. He raped me in the back seat of the car then dragged me by my hair inside, chaining me to a wall with my back facing him. Jake whipped me with something that had metal prongs. You can’t imagine how much it hurt. After that, he left me there hanging for God knows how long. I could hear moans of pleasure from behind me. I do know that before he and Sofia left, he unchained me, moving me to another room where he placed a dog’s collar around my neck, chaining me to the floor. Then he proceeded to rape me again while Sofia helped him. She pinched, bit, and scratched at my body as he slammed into me. The worst part of all that was when he ordered her to join him in fucking me.” I can’t stop the sob that comes out.
“Shhh, baby, you don’t have to tell me anything else,” Rage says, moving closer to me.
Shaking my head, I move back away from him. “No, I need to finish this. I don’t ever want to have to repeat it,” I tell him, trying to calm myself back down. Giving myself a minute to get my breathing back under control, I start again. “I don’t know how long Jake and Sofia were gone, all I know is I woke up to choking on the collar around my neck. Jake forced me to walk on all fours to another room. I didn’t even glance up until he said Lynsdey’s name. He told her that she was the reason he did what he did to me. That I was to be used anytime he felt the need to punish her. I was to be his pet while she was to be his dark angel.
“He then proceeded to rape me in front of her. I blacked out from the pain of it. Then before you and the rest of the club got there, he’d forced me to give him a blow job,” I say, keeping my eyes focused away from Rage. I take another much-needed breath. “I don’t remember much after that until waking up in the hospital. I want to say that’s a good thing but I’m not sure. The rest of this that I’m about to tell you, I want you to know I’m deeply sorry,” I say, looking at him briefly. “I didn’t know I was pregnant. The doctor told me it was early but confirmed we were gonna have a baby.”
Tears stream down my face as I close my eyes. “I lost our child, Rage— before I even knew I carried him or her. I’m pathetic. I couldn’t even protect myself let alone a child that you and I had created. And now, I can’t even have any more due to the severity of the damage Jake did to my body. This is why we can’t be together.” I finally look Rage directly in the eyes. Tears are running down his cheeks. I quietly sit there and let him gather himself.
Keeping my eyes on Rage, I watch the different emotions cover his face. When he focuses on me, I don’t know what to think when I’m instantly pulled into his arms. He’s shaking as he cries into my neck.
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Lavender. I swear if I could bring that motherfucker back from the dead, I’d do it only so I could do far worse than what he got. He got off easy for what he did to you, to us. I wish I’d know about the baby. Fuck, I would’ve never left you. You didn’t need to go through that shit alone. And from now on, you're not. I might not be able to see you carry my child but, ba
by, we’re a family. I’m never letting you fuckin’ go,” Rage murmurs all the while tears stream down his face.
I don’t say another word, simply nodding my head as I wrap my arms around him and cry. I cry for the loss of our child, and for myself. I didn’t realize telling him would relieve so much burden off my chest. I only wish that what he says is true. He might wake up tomorrow and realize that the family he always wanted won’t happen with me. Hell, there are plenty of women out there who would love nothing more than to sink their claws into him.
Day by day, I’ll see if his words hold true.
8
Rage
I’ve never been a crier, not even as a kid when I broke my arm in two places. Growing up in the club, I learned from my dad and all the other brothers, you never show weakness. I never showed weakness growing up, wanting to be tough like all the members of the club. I knew one day, I’d join them. Hell, even when it tore me apart on the inside, I didn’t even cry the day I found out about my sister. But at the moment, tears fall down my cheeks as I take in everything Cleo has told me. I hate the fact she’s gone through so much and on top of everything, lost a child. Our child.
Fury consumes me. It takes everything in me not to get up and storm out of this house. I want, no I need, something or someone to pound my fist into. But it will all have to wait. Fuckin’ hell!
This wasn’t supposed to happen. I hope the motherfucker is getting what he deserves in Tartarus. Or at least unable to escape ‘The Phlegethon’ that leads to Tartarus. See, our club’s motto says, ‘We Ride Through Hell To Get To The Other Side’. And I fuckin’ agree with this, however, I also believe in the Greek mythology legends of ‘The Underworld’.
Hell, Hades and I have had more than one debate about it. Between the two of us, we can both recite all of Homer’s and Virgil’s books with as many times as we’ve read them. Some of the brothers like to fuck with us over the fact we read, but fuck them, keeps the mind going.
Taking a deep breath, I focus back on Cleo. I feel like complete shit for leaving her in the hospital that day. How fucked up do you have to be to leave when you’re needed the most? I seriously fucked up big time here. How the hell she can even bear to be near me, I don’t understand, but I’m not letting her go. We don’t have to have a child in order to be a family. Yes, it would have been great to have seen her grow round, bringing life to this world but maybe there’s something more out there for us. Even if that something is just the two of us.
“Cleo, I know I said it already, and I can say it a million times over, I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I swear on my life, you won’t ever go through something like this again. You and I, Lavender, we’re gonna make this work,” I whisper placing my forehead against hers. Cleo’s breathing hitches as tears fall from her eyes. She really must have thought I wouldn’t want her after everything she went through. Pulling her flush against my chest, I hold her, making sure I don’t rub her back, knowing it has to be tender if not hurting.
My heart aches knowing just how much she needed me, and I let her down in more ways than one. And on top of everything, I let her leave thinking I was done. Even though that was never the case. I simply needed time to wrap my head around everything. My head was in a fucked up place the day we found Cleo and Lynsdey in that disgusting shack. Fuck, the place was straight out of one of those horror flicks Cleo would have me watch with her. Don’t get me wrong, I got nothing against them but I much prefer an action movie with Bruce Willis or Steven Seagal.
“Rage, I know you think you need to say you’re sorry, but you don’t. It’s me that needs to be the one apologizing to you,” Cleo whispers after what feels like hours but had to be only minutes.
“Why do you need to be apologizing?”
“Because I wasn’t strong enough to fight Jake and protect our child. I’m weak and you deserve someone stronger than me. Someone who can actually give you a child.”
“Lave, do you not see what I’m seeing right now? When I look at you, I see this amazingly beautiful woman who’s been through hell and back. The woman I see in front of me, she could have taken the easy way out of dealing with all the pain but instead chose the hard way. It might have taken a push from Stoney, but you did the right thing. I wish like hell it’d been me but I’m fuckin’ glad Stoney stopped you.”
“Actually, it wasn’t only Stoney that stopped me, but you. Well, more or less, it was Stoney’s words. He said if I took my life, I’d be taking you with me. Th . . . Tha . . . That you might as well be dead too. When he said those words, I knew I couldn’t do that to not just you but your family, the club. I didn’t want to be that selfish. So instead, I took his offer and left,” Cleo says, sitting up as much as I’ll let her. There’s no way in hell I can let her out of my arms right now. No fuckin’ way.
“I’m fuckin’ glad his words stopped you and I hope time away from this place, from me, has helped because Lave, I’m not letting you out of my sight for a long ass time if ever,” I state, givin’ her a grin.
With a roll of her eyes, she sighs. “Well, I guess I need to call Kenny, see if I can get my job back.”
“Like fuck you’re gonna work at the bar,” I growl out.
“I need a job, Rage, and Outlaw Racks pays really well,” Cleo says, crossing her arms ready to fight me on this.
“Listen, Lavender, I’m not stopping you from getting a job, hell, you can come work at the garage with us. We need someone working in reception, but I don’t want you at the bar anymore. I only just got you home and I’ll be fuckin’ damned if I want men looking at what’s mine. You understand where I’m coming from.”
“What’s yours? Who says I’m yours? I know I didn’t. As for the job at the garage, I’d love to work there,” she says, throwing her attitude at me. Damn, I’ve missed it. It used to have a way of getting my dick hard and from the twitch it’s givin’ me right now, it still does.
“Oh, you’re mine alright, you’ve always been mine. And you always will be,” I tell her, leaning forward pressing my lips to hers gently not wanting to scare her way. She doesn’t tense like she did earlier when I touched her but she is hesitant when my lips touch hers. Pulling back, I give her a reassuring smile that it’s okay.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers looking away.
“Nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you so soon. Even if it was a gentle kiss,” I tell her.
“It’s not that I don’t want you to kiss me, because I do. I’d love nothing more than to have you kiss me, make love to me. But I’m not ready.”
I cup her chin and turn her face back toward me, needing her to look at me. “No rush, Lavender, I’m not going to push you on this. I’m happy with the fact you’re not tensing when I touch you right now. It takes time and I’ve got all the time in the world when it comes to you. When you’re ready, all you gotta do is let me know,” I tell her, and I mean every word of it.
Keeping my eyes on hers, I wait for her answer. Finally, Cleo nods her head. “Okay,” she murmurs. She then processed to surprise me by leaning into me, hugging me. “I’ve missed you holding me.”
“Then I’ll hold you all night long,” I murmur against the top of her head, holding her as close as I can.
We sit there for the longest time, holding each other before deciding to finish our food. Least it’s Chinese food and is always better when reheated. Conversation flows easily between us, talking about what type of furniture would look good in the house to things happening with the club. I don’t tell her much since most is club business. And I sure as hell stayed away from the topics of both Kenny and Izzy being pregnant. As much as those girls are gonna be dying to see Cleo, I don’t think she’s ready to see them. Not even Lynsdey.
Noticing the time, I tell her to head on up and get ready for bed while I clean our mess from dinner. It’s not much to throw away but I take it all straight out to the trash can. Once done and the house is locked up, I leave the blanket right wher
e it is for the time being. Making sure all the lights are off other than in the kitchen, I go to the guest room, changing into a pair of sweats. I don’t want to freak Cleo out when she sees me coming into the bedroom. I told her I wouldn’t rush her, and I won’t. I merely want to hold the nightmares at bay for her. If last nights were anything to go by, I’d rather be right next to her when they start to grab hold of her.
Opening the bedroom door, the first thing I notice upon entering is Cleo laying in the middle of the bed already asleep. Moving toward her, I take in how tiny she looks with her head resting on the pillow I used last night. The closer I get to Cleo, I take in the frame of the bed surrounding her— a frame I designed myself. I’d been working on it since moving here. The headboard I craved out every single detail before sanding and staining several times to get the coloring it has. Once the clear coat was done, it was time to bring Cleo home.
Wanting to hold Cleo in my arms, I quietly climb in, gently pulling her against my body. This is the feeling I’ve missed all these months without her. Kissing the top of her head, I relax more into the comfort of the mattress. Closing my eyes, I fall asleep instantly.
9
Cleo
Warmth consumes me as I slowly wake up. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I slept without waking up to nightmares— for that matter, I didn’t even have one. Weird. Stretching my body, I tense at the realization I’m not alone. Looking down, I see an arm draped across my stomach holding me to said body. I don’t have to look over my shoulder to know who’s arm it belongs to. Rage. He must have come in here after I’d fallen asleep. Looking over my shoulder, I see the very man who holds my heart in his hands. His expression right now is peaceful compared to when he’s awake.