“Go lick a banana pop.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Koti
Magens Bay was a beautiful horseshoe shaped beach with white sand and turquoise water. It was the most bustling tourist attraction of St. Thomas and one of the best spots for water play in the Virgin Islands. Ella had Disco clutched to her as she raced toward the sand while Ian and I set up a camp that consisted of an umbrella and a few foldable beach chairs we’d purchased from the store on the way over.
“Do you come here much?” Ian asked, tossing a towel on his chair.
“Not really. I mean, what’s the point? We do have a beach in our backyard.”
“True, but you hardly leave home. Don’t you get out at all?” His question was innocent, with an edge of curiosity mixed in.
“My first six months here I went hermit, but Jasmine helped me snap out of it a little. I went out a few times and will on occasion, but I’m to the point it doesn’t appeal to me.”
“Sign of old age, huh?”
“I turn thirty in a few weeks.”
“That would be what, twenty-four years ago that we met?”
His sentiment took me by surprise. “Wow, I didn’t think of that. That makes you the oldest friend I’ve ever had,” I teased before cowering under his glare. “I mean the longest friendship. Jasmine’s the oldest friend I have anyway.”
He looked down at the sand between us. “Too bad we didn’t keep in touch.”
“We might have been decent pen pals, but here we are anyway.”
“Here we are,” he said, his eyes meeting mine. “I had to stay away from you the last time I saw you.”
“What?”
“When you were seventeen. I was already married, and you were…”
I sat up in my chair. “I was, what?”
He glanced down at his lap, attempting to hide his smirk with a few of my favorite fingers covering his mouth. “Can I be perfectly honest without ruining whatever favorable opinion you may have of me?”
“You’re still so proper, crocky. Of course.”
He raked his teeth over his bottom lip sending a shiver down my spine regardless of the heat. “My whole body tensed when I saw you. I know it was wrong, but there was no way I could stand to be in the same room as you if I stayed. I left St. Thomas a day early and wanked that night thinking about you when I got home.”
“So that’s why you didn’t say hi. Professor! I was underage!”
“And I was married. Does it make a difference that my marriage was over for me by then?”
“Wait, you were only twenty-five, that was only a few years after you got married, right?”
“I’d just had my birthday and I needed a break from Tara, things were at their worst, so I’d flown in to check on the house for my parents. My mom was recovering from a minor surgery and there had been a storm. I made a few repairs and hired a contractor to take care of the rest. I was about ready to leave when you were coming in.”
“I wish you would have stayed.”
“Too dangerous for me. You were wearing your ridiculous gold sandals and a white sundress with tiny gold flowers all over it. Your hair was tied up, and you had on bright red lipstick.”
My mouth parted as he leaned in.
“I’ll never forget the way you looked that day, you took the breath right out of my body.”
“I can’t believe you remember what I was wearing.”
“I remember every detail including the swish of your skirt when you got out of the SUV. I thought about nothing but smearing that lipstick for months.”
“I remember feeling the same thing… I kind of had an instant crush on you the minute I saw you. I wish you would have talked to me.”
“I couldn’t. I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist temptation. And seeing you when I got here was much, much, worse.”
My heart lit up. “Well, I couldn’t tell by the warm reception you gave.”
“And I’ve apologized sincerely and repeatedly by mouth and orgasm.”
It was my turn to bite my lip. “Forgiven.”
“Fuck, I’m a lucky bastard to be able to touch you now. I mean it, Koti. I have no clue how you remained single all these years but am I damn glad you are at the moment.” Utterly turned on, his eyes rested on my lips before they trailed the length of my body. “Lucky. Fucking. Me.”
I didn’t know how it was possible, but his words managed to fill me up and sting all at the same time.
“Yeah, well you’re temporary,” I said nudging his arm. “Your bad.” I was only partially teasing.
He looked at me with unamused gray eyes. “I can’t believe you locked me out of your bedroom last night.”
I laughed as I lathered some oil on. “You checked?”
“Of course I checked. I had things I wanted to lick.”
“Serves you right with your daughter in the house, pervert.”
I looked over at Ella who looked adorable in her newly purchased pink bikini, her blonde hair soaked from the sea as she and Disco hurdled the incoming waves at the shore.
“This is nice.” Ian cracked a beer and held it out to me.
“Agreed,” I stood shaking my head at his offered beer. “No thanks, I’m going to go get in the water.”
He raised a wicked brow. “Going to put on a show for me?”
“Such a pervy professor.”
“I was just thinking about the last time you wore that bikini.” He playfully tugged at the string on my hip and slid his teeth over his lip.
“Maybe you should slow down yourself on that drinking. Pick out some music, I’ll be back, and we can make some sandwiches.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Damnit, stop with the bedroom eyes.”
“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” he teased as his darkening gaze smoldered me into a puddle.
“And don’t watch me as I walk away.”
“Not a snowball’s chance in hell.”
I ‘harrumphed’ as I walked toward the surf before I braved a quick glance over my shoulder. Ian had already zeroed in on my ass and I shook it a little before I gave him a wink.
Eat your heart out, professor.
* * *
Ella and I chased Disco through the waves until I was dying of thirst.
I waved to get her attention before I signed to her.
Thirsty?
She shook her head, “No thanks, but you’re doing well with your signs.”
Thank You. I’m trying. I shook my head in frustration, unable to sign the rest of what I wanted to say.
“If you don’t know the signs, speak to me.”
“It’s reading them that’s the hardest part.”
She waved a dismissive hand. “It takes time. You’ll get it. You have come a long way already.”
Thank You. I nodded toward Ian to let her know where I would be.
“I’ll be up there in a little while.” She picked up a soggy Disco and inspected her an inch from her face. Disco rewarded Ella with a lick on the lips that had her giggling. “I love her soooo much,” Ella said, giving me a smile.
I ran my hands through her soaked fur. “Me too.”
I pranced toward Ian hoping his eyes had been on me unable to think of anything else but his confession as I played in the water. I loved his attention and reveled in it knowing I shouldn’t. Pushing all shitty thoughts aside and preparing for some more flirting, I paused when I saw Ian in his chair feet away, his face buried in a towel. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it if his entire body wasn’t shaking. Cautiously, I approached him.
“Ian?”
He shook his head keeping the towel in place as I took a seat next to him and reached out to touch his thigh. His cries were soundless, but I could feel the pain rolling off him.
“Ian, what’s wrong?” After another minute of watching him in soundless agony, I tried again. “Please talk to me.”
His body shook a minute longer until he spoke low. “Where’s Ella?”
“She’s playing, she can’t see. Ian, please,” though I didn’t know why, my heart was cracking. He finally lowered the towel and his red-rimmed eyes met mine as his face twisted.
“Please,” I said as I pushed a quick tear away. “Please,” I whispered, taking his hand. He squeezed it back so hard I winced as he pulled me closer to sit next to him shielding himself from prying eyes.
“She can’t see us. No one is watching.”
“She’s…” his face twisted again as he puffed out incredulous air and began shaking again. “Jesus, I can’t breathe.”
“Take your time,” I said softly.
“Fuck, Christ, this hurts so much,” he said, his body trembling with emotion as I sank in the sand, my heart plummeting with the ache in his voice.
“I don’t want to say it out loud. I feel like if I acknowledge it, it makes it true.”
“Makes what true?”
He took a deep breath and blew it out, closing his eyes. I jerked back at the presence of tears trickling down his face. Unable to help myself, I moved to sit next to him, partially covering his body with my own to embrace him as much as I could without being obvious. “I’m here. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
My eyes were starting to fill with the sheer heartbreak etched on his face, though I had no idea why.
“She’s…” his swallow was audible, “I didn’t father Ella, she’s not mine, not my biological daughter,” he managed to get out before he pressed his chin to his chest and a gasp escaped him. “Fuck,” he sat up and again pulled a towel to cover his face. Shock filtered through my body as I glanced around us. We were yards away from prying ears.
“Ian, there’s no one around, it’s okay.”
“Fuck, it’s so not okay.” He pulled the towel away. Devastated, tear-filled eyes met mine. “The day I found out was the day I showed up here. I lost it. I totally fucking lost it.”
I held my breath, unable to believe what he was telling me.
“The minute I found out I was going to be a father I felt like something clicked. It wasn’t planned, I’d only been dating Tara for months, but it didn’t matter. It was the greatest moment of my life and now I feel like it was a lie and it was. It’s been taken from me.”
He shook his head, his face coated in disbelief and hurt. “Koti, that little girl’s first sign was daddy, and it meant everything to me. I’ve been there for every single step, every hurt, every heartbreak, every milestone—she’s my whole fucking life.” He shuddered as he tried to stifle his cries and more tears spilled from his eyes. The ache to touch him ripped through me as I inched forward, and he shook his head. “Don’t, please,” his misery paralyzed me as despair trailed down his face and he wiped it away with the back of his hand. “I know firsthand how much blood doesn’t matter. I know, I have an adopted brother. It means nothing to our relationship. Adam is my brother in every sense of the word. But I can’t help it, I feel like I’ve been robbed.”
“I understand, I don’t see anything wrong with that.”
“I do. It’s wrong thinking. Because I think other things too. I could’ve done things so differently. Married differently, and I know how wrong it is to think that way, I know it, but I feel robbed of years where I had choices and maybe could have had a different life.”
“That’s the twenty-two-year-old pissed off you talking, and you have the right to be furious about that. You’re mourning what could have been if she hadn’t lied to you. You could be living a totally different life right now.”
“Ella became my life and I don’t regret it, I probably would have married Tara anyway. I’m just… I still have my little girl, that’s all that matters.” For the first time and in front of me, he bled freely as I sat shocked and leaned in to whisper.
“She is yours in every way, you know that.”
He nodded several times in agreement. “I know, I’m just fucking wrecked. I can’t believe it, after all these years. How could she do that to me? When I devoted my life to her, to them both… how?”
“Daddy!” Ella called as we both snapped our heads in her direction. “Watch!”
He nodded as she picked Disco up and her paws started frantically moving before the wave swept through. “See? She’s surfing!”
Ian and I nodded as she pranced away with her new prize tucked in her arms.
“Fuck,” Ian said, wiping his face. I felt his raw heart bleed between us, helpless to come up with the right words.
“I don’t know what to say. What she’s done is unforgivable. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be, I can’t be sorry. I refuse to do this pity party shit any longer, I have her,” he said as he nodded toward where Ella stood in the ocean, a picture of health and happiness. “I have her.”
“She is beautiful, kind, well-mannered and has a heart of gold. I’m so taken with her already. You have every reason to be proud.”
Worry creased his brow. “Her mother is threatening to tell her the truth. She’s back with the asshole who fathered her.”
“Jesus, really?”
He nodded, and fear replaced devastation. “I don’t know what this is going to mean. She’s just turned fifteen years old, so it could result in an ugly custody battle if Tara presses it. And I can’t find it in me to be civil to her long enough to discuss it.”
“I know I’m prying, but will you tell me why you burned all those photos and kept the letter?”
“I didn’t keep it.” He sat back and ran a hand down his face before his eyes met mine. “I hadn’t used that luggage since I left her. I’m assuming she put it in there while I was packing the day I told her I was leaving and I’ve only just found it. She didn’t want the divorce and I assume she stuck it in my suitcase to try to stir up some nostalgia for feelings that hadn’t been there in over a decade.” He took a long sip of his beer. “It was just another attempt at manipulation. I found it while rifling through my bag the night I came to stay with you. I did read it. And all it did was prove what a fucking idiot I was to feel that way about her in the first place.”
He shook his head in aggravation. “It’s just that she played me so well. She played me, and I let her because I loved her so fucking much. And then she broke me… twice.”
I ignored the sting in my chest though I had no right to be jealous of his ex-wife. “You did love her.”
He gave me a sharp nod. We sat watching the commotion around us before he spoke again. “I’m not entirely proud of the way I’ve behaved. She phoned weeks ago and I told her I never loved her.”
“You lied to hurt her?”
He nodded. “I did. I loved her so much that my disappointment killed me when she didn’t turn out to be the woman I thought she was. She doesn’t deserve to know and will never know the extent of my love.”
I stayed mute, too afraid to lose the rest of his confession.
“She…” he swallowed, “when we found out about Ella’s disability, Tara’s behavior ruined our relationship. It’s really that simple. She wouldn’t accept the fact that Ella wasn’t a candidate for getting cochlear implants. Her attitude just completely ruined her for me. She acted as if we had a defective baby and refused to learn how to sign until every last specialist had told her there was no chance. I couldn’t understand Tara then, I felt like I had married someone else. It ruined us and because I felt so strongly about it, I let it ruin us. I couldn’t forgive her, and I never looked at her the same way again.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. I stayed married, but it was pointless. After a few years, we were two zombies and our marriage the apocalypse. But I stayed with her for Ella’s sake, until I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“For a majority of your marriage?”
“Well over a decade,” he said before taking a long pull of his beer, his eyes on Ella.
“No wonder you don’t want to risk going through that again. I hate that I’m saying this, but as your friend, I totally understand why you don’t wan
t to get involved.”
“And what about the woman I’m sleeping with?” he asked, eyeing me intently. “What would she say?
“I don’t think she can fault you either.”
He leaned in as if to kiss me and then glanced Ella’s way.
“I can’t blame you for being selfish about your freedom, Ian. I really do understand. But I hope you know if it came down to a custody battle, Ella would choose you. She would. I have no doubts.”
He nodded. “I pray she does.”
“You fight, you fucking fight her so hard. I’m having a terrible time believing a judge would ever grant her full custody based on a lie she kept up for fifteen years! Did she tell you purposefully to hurt you?”
“No, it was a coincidence I found out. She could have pulled that at any time, but she didn’t. I think she knew it would destroy me. But now that I’ve found out and she’s with Daniel, I think she wants to use paternity as an excuse to bring that fucker closer to Ella. Not only that, it seems like she wants me to be okay with it.”
“What the fuck is wrong with her?!”
“I know it’s screwed up. Let’s…” he shook his head sighing, “let’s let this go for now.”
“Why?”
His grin at me seemed out of place. “Because you’re yelling.”
“I’m pissed for you!”
“I can tell.”
“She’s a horrible person!”
He nodded. “Seems to be the case.”
“If she was here, I don’t think I could hold myself back from beating the dog shit out of her!”
He gave me a beautiful grin. “So, this is the angry New Yorker? Cute.”
“What a bitch!”
“Come on, Koti,” he said, brushing some hair away from my face. “Let’s drop it.”
“Okay… okay, fine. But for the record, I hate your ex-wife.”
“That makes two of us.”
I pressed my lips together as the hairs rose on the back of my neck. It took me three beers to calm down.
“Easy killer,” Ian said as I finished my beer, taking healthy gulps. “You know sun-drunk is not fun.”
Beach Reads Box Set Page 283